[jackieaellen]

I love sex but am so upset with my husband. We work from home but I do ALL the work while he plays with the kids. I also do most of the house work. I think I might want him to go out and get a job just so I don't have to look at him anymore. I resent him for taking a free ride while I work like a dog. He takes credit for work that I have done. What should I do? Should I tell him to get a job even thouhg we don't need the money? I don't even want to sleep in the same bed let alone have sex with him.

[Xrayman]

Have you brought this up with him? Tell him that you feel used and that he should NEVER take your work for his if he did not do it partnership or not!

[simoneaugie]

You could continue as you are. That isn't at all what you want though.

Set aside some time, with his imput, that will be uninterrupted by kids, the phone, etc. Then, talk to him! Tell him exactly how you feel. Be matter-of-fact, not angry or cruel.

It may help to write down all of your complaints, then pick the top three to discuss with him. Use "I" statements, "I feel as if I do most of the work. I feel used, taken for granted (or whatever.) I would like to divide up the household chores between us so that it's an even 50/50 split. How does that sound to you?"

He may have some complaints too. Hear him out.

Write down what the two of you have discussed, including the date you talked. There is no need to bring up sex at this time. When you have help, that you can depend on, then see if your feelings about your sex life changes.

Not wanting to even share a bed with him is a huge red flag. You are feeling used. He is walking all over you, of course you don't feel inclined to have sex with him.

[smoothy]

That's a problem with working from home. If you are with someone 24 hours a day even people that deeply love each other can get on each others nerves. And that's if everyone does their share of the work.

[kp2171]

You resent him and you don't even want to look at him, be near him, and certainly you don't want to have sex with him... powerful words.

Ready to read a novel? I'm not frugal with words. Sorry its going to be a long post.

So, what have you talked about concerning this topic? Are you just letting it fester or have you had a discussion about this? What was said?

How old are the kids? Were they in any programs during the summer to keep them busy? Will they be in school soon?

You both need some structure in your day. This means some balance on both sides, and a clear understanding of who does what. I know you want him to do this intuitively, but some people are "wired" differently and some things, like housework, isn't instinctive.

You don't need a fight... but you do need to talk and have your frustrations heard. And he needs to give his perspective and be given a chance to change his behavior.

An example. When I married my wife shed been a single mother for 12 years, never married. Soon after marrying she dumped the finances in my lap. She was tired of dealing with them and wanted me to keep things in check. It was an ugly first year.

I had no understanding of what all the expenses were... who had a birthday when... when were dance class fees due... etc. took some time to understand I needed more info and structure. What we did... set up two bank accounts, one for fixed expenses (mortgage, phone, etc) and one for discretionary cash. Before each upcoming month we talk about what events are happening. Is there a party coming up? A trip? Anything not on the calendar.

Structure and expectations were laid out, and we didn't fight again about money.

Same thing happened with household work. I didn't teach in the summer and was able to stay home with my 1 year old. My wife would come home from work and the place would be trashed. It was unsettling for her to just come in the door, as there was no place for peace. I didn't mean to frustrate her. I was with mr drippy/sticky/cranky all day and between playing with him, feeding him, and changing him I thought I was giving him the attention he needed.

So again, more structure was required and a simple discussion about how she felt and how I felt and what needed to be done. She is wired for lists... structure. She gets things done by checking things off one by one. Its second nature to her.

Me... I putter around things and sometimes get things half done if I don't have a design, a plan, a timeline. Lists help me too, but they were not intuitive. So we set up a household cleaning schedule with notecards on a ring. On monday: change and wash the bed sheets, make beds, kitchen cleanup, bathroom mirrors, sink, and fixtures cleaned... etc. it honestly helps. Instead of waiting until you are disgusted with the bathroom, now there are scheduled days when it gets regular attention. This also allowed us to program more cleaning into the weekdays or nights and left less on the weekend.

So it took discussion. I knew that no matter what I was doing with my son, at 4PM it was time to start picking things up. A little structure goes a long way.

You also need some structure. You are grinding your way through this work, but you never leave work... one of the hard things about working at home. And then the double whammy is the house isn't tended too, so you are feeling like you always have a double shift hanging over you. Not enjoying your home the way you should, most likely.

So you might be working hard, but you also are missing some structure. You need to make time for yourself and you need to take it. Its funny how easy it is to not do this. I'm king of this. I might not have been the most organized about tasks, but id spend all my time puttering on things. So I felt I was always doing things (tho not focused enough on doing fewer things well and to completion) all the time so when was I going to get the time to take care of my needs?

Again, you need to program it into your life. Schedule that lunch out of the home, even if its 45 min in a park nearby. Decide what realistic hours you are on the job and when you punch out. Don't work a lot of extra time because he "wont"... if you need him to take on some tasks, decide what those need to be and then walk away from it. Giving him the chance to do the right thing means he understands what those things are and he knows there's no safety net... he does it or it doesn't get done and the consequences are clear.

I know it seems like more work for you... you are likely going to have to drive this reorganization and this change... long term, I think its worth the effort.

And problems in the bedroom can also be perceived completely differently. My wife is most receptive in the bedroom when everything else is taken care of... issues with sex are tied to issues elsewhere... work, being tired, some conflict were having... its not spiteful on her part, its just her reflex. When she is tense or uneasy, she's not interested.

Me... rome could be burning around me and intimate time in the bedroom would be welcomed. A healthy sex life cascades into all other areas of my life. When there is distance and a lack of interest, it changes the dynamic outside the bedroom. Ugly cycle if its not working.

So... I'm not saying you should have sex when you are this upset and not interested. But how does he interact with you and the kids? Does he sit next to you? Place his hands on your hands or body? Does he physically interact with the kids when playing? Hugs much?

If so, then physical touch is one way he clearly shows a loving commitment to you and others. Withdrawing too much can have a negative affect on his overall state.

You might check out The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Its an easy read, and talks about the different ways couples show commitment, but sometimes don't recognize it because you are speaking in different "dialects"... for ex, when my wife wanted Quality time, I thought she needed space alone to wind down from work, and I kept doing Acts of Service by puttering around the house continuing the tasks that weren't done. We both showed commitment, just in differect acts.

Understanding the different ways you show your mate commitment allows you to understand if you have balance or not... the more ways you support your relationship, the better it is if one area falls off for a time (ex physical touch drops because one partner is sick)...

So perhaps you can share this book. You read it first (and it won't take long) and then ask him to read it... telling him you've struggled with your work load and this book (most likely) helped you understand where things are stronger and where you need some help. Hopefully he will push through it and you can talk it out. Again, its not a tough or intimidating read... though it does give scenarios of couples who are struggling with communication, so that's a red flag for him that you are struggling some... but the truth is the truth, right?

Communication and structure, I think, are what you both need to turn a corner and leave this noise in the past.

And his working outside the home is another way to get programmed structure that you don't have to manage so much... just don't kick him out the door in anger. You'll still feel some resentment without solving some issues that need to be worked out. If you need him to work outside the home, OK... just make sure you address these issues and make it a choice that's not made in anger. If you really don't need the money, can he be more involved in local programs, mentoring, coaching, etc? Even those positions are not paid, they are worthwhile, fulfilling, and again, demand some commitment and structure.

A link to the book I mentioned:

Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate: Gary Chapman: Books

[jackieaellen]

Thank you everyone for the great advice! A lot of this is just anger talking on my part. I do love him he is just getting under my skin like a 4th child, you know?

[kp2171]

It's a great place to vent, here at AMHD

A friend of my wife, married a dozen years, recently had to spend a day out of town, the first time shed done this alone, with no kids or husband since being married. Her husband had the kids, ran then through their daily routines, and at the end of the day exclaimed "i can't believe how much i was in the car today rushing around!"...

She, of course, has known the controlled chaos for years. She told him "it took twelve years before you understood what i do all day, every day"

She told her friend "he learned something, but at the end of the day, hes still a man"

Now... I'm not one to rely hard on stereotypes... its not an excuse or a pass... but her comment has rung true in certain areas of my relationship with my wife. There are some things that seem more instinctual to her than me... and in time she's realized that, while I will take initiative in many areas, in others she might need to nudge me or remind me.

Yes, I just registered my son for a fall activity, but only after my wife asked me to do so... for the second time. Left to me, I would have realized it too late. As is, we barely got into the program... I didn't deliberately ignore her... it just fell off my radar. Shed asked me while driving in the car and I didn't get it on paper.

If the house needs work done, I'm all over it. Car needs cleaned? Got it. Want to move furniture, plant a tree, build a patio? OK.

But for the life of me... don't tell me there is a party in three weeks and I need to pick up a gift unless I'm near a calendar to write it down. It'll be gone from my leaky head in short time. Its how I'm miswired. I can tell you when my fav football team plays a division rival a few months from now, but the party time and date just oozes out.

But we know this about each other now... she knows I NEED it on the schedule where I can see it every day. I know I need to pay attention to this and use whatever tools I have to use to get it done.

Its fine to vent and burn off steam, but don't just let this go by without thinking how you can help him understand what you need... whatever that is.

[Choux]

An able-bodied man is *NO GOOD* if he doesn't work full time. This is a *proven given of life*, and you have to learn this now. :)

There is *no way* to enjoy your sex life with this guy because you have a lot of resentments, and *you are right to have these resentments*!

This guy is not only ruining your sex life, he is ruining your life. My opinion is: get rid of him.

All your time spent with him is *burning a happy future for you*.


Best wishes,

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I don't think you can get better advice than what KP has already said.

You have time invested together & children, give KP's suggestions a try & see if you can get some consistent improvements. You may be pleasantly surprised!

[Synnen]

An able-bodied man is *NO GOOD* if he doesn't work full time. This is a *proven given of life*, and you have to learn this now. :)

There is *no way* to enjoy your sex life with this guy because you have a lot of resentments, and *you are right to have these resentments*!

This guy is not only ruining your sex life, he is ruining your life. My opinion is: get rid of him.

All your time spent with him is *burning a happy future for you*.


Best wishes,

Wow... really? No good unless he works full time? Does parenting count as "full time work"? I know a few stay at home dads that would be horror struck to know they're "no good".

Is leaving before talking it through with a counselor REALLY a great idea? I mean, the poor guy may have no idea what he's doing wrong! Yes, there are resentments, but with kids involved, don't you think they should at least TRY a marriage counselor?

[dad5787]

I hope things go well for you. I just want to share something if you do not mind.
I was married with 2 great sons. I made a decision to end the relationship because I listened to so many people that really were not aware of the entire situation. When I left, my ex made the same choice to listen to everyone else. Before you make any decisions, please analyze what you have, what you want and how you can get it. Many time the biggest issue is lack of good communication. Outline what your issues are, but before you approach him about it, let him know what you are doing so he does not feel like he is being attacked. When you make your list, he should have one also, You both should realize that the items listed truly affect the person that wrote them. They cannot be wrong, just addressed and worked on.
I gave up something that I have always regretted. Please do not make that same mistake.

God bless.