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goonie · Apr 19, 2006, 08:39 AM

Hi,
About a week ago my boyfriend broke up with me because of his depression. We had been together for over a year, and I knew all along about his condition. Out of the blue last week he said that he wasn't happy and couldn't do this anymore, he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. He said that his depression was really bad, and that he needed to get through things on his own. Of course I was an absolute mess, hysterically crying when he told me because it was so unexpected and I was totally broken hearted. In the end I told him how much I loved him and that I would be there for him and support him, and that I understood that he had to do this. He assured me that he loves me and that he was probably making the worst mistake of his life. Now a week has gone by, I haven't called him, but he's called me a few times, but we haven't talked about the break. Since the break I've been able to sort through my feelings and understand better what he may be feeling. Of course I still want to be with him, I guess I need to know if this is the end for us. We had broken up about 8 months ago for the same reason, and a few days afterwards I called him and things were OK again. I want to call him now and talk about everything, is it too soon? Should I call him or maybe send him a letter? I don't know what to do, help!

milliec · Apr 19, 2006, 09:12 AM

Hi goonie,
It is sad, this story. Anyway, it's also hard to say right now where things are.
Let just consider one thing after the other:
The fact that you understand better what he might be going through, might help in the future, but first of all, might make it easier for you right now.
The fact that he calls, I can't know why more than you do- he might be missing, or needing you, or, he might be worried about you, and needs to know how you're taking it.
When he calls again, try to widen a little the conversation, and try to find out what's behind these calls.
At this moment, in any case, you need to find out more about his situation, and how is he dealing with it (medications, counselling, )
Give the whole thing some deep considerations, but you must discuss the whole situation with him, on a deeper level.
Good luck,
Millie:)

DJ 'H' · Apr 21, 2006, 03:20 AM

When I was 17yrs old, I was diagnosed with Depression. I was going out with a guy called Mike, who had been my best friend before we got together. He and I were together for 4months and yes loved each other - but my depression started to take over me and my life and it started to effect my relationship - so I made a decision to end my relationship with Mike - 1) so that I would not hurt Mike 2) to sort myself out.

There is no way you can sort yourself out whilst you have a partner. Depression is very complex for anyone who has not had to understand and thereare a lot of mood swings that's occurs - you arejust up and down ike a yo yo constantly.

Mike and I never got back together - only because it took me 3yrs to get through it and find myself again - but he did stick by me and is my best friend today. He will always be there for me and I for him and what's more important is that his Fiancée and boyfriend know we have a special friendship and are totally cool with everything. The 4 of us can hang out together, but Mike and I can hang outwithout it even being an issue.

Please, please don't stop supporting him, or being there for him as a friend, but please do give him space and allow him to work through his issues and get better. He does need some time and however things work out for you both, it will e for the best.

fredg · Apr 21, 2006, 05:29 AM

Hi, goonie,
Give him some time. He has issues which only he can work out, possibly needing help from others, such as group help, or possibly a professional.
If he wants help, he will find it. Offer him support, as you said.
But, I wouldn't be contacting him. No letters, emails, phone calls. This is something he will have to "sort out" himself. I do wish you the best.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 21, 2006, 05:38 AM

First it is a very good sign that he knows he has a problem. You did not say what if anything is causing his depression or if some event triggered it.

But he is making a mistake believing he can "cure" hisself. And often being alone is the worst mistake they can make, since they often do not see reality in the correct light. And without contact to show them that they are not seeing things correctly they can slide further and further into depression.

I hope he is or is going to get professional help. Often simple depression can be helped substancially by mere medication. If he is not getting medical help that should be his first stop.

DJ 'H' · Apr 21, 2006, 05:47 AM

Anytime Millec - if you ever want to know anything to help understand what is going on in his head then I am more than happy to try and explain! - After all I know what he's going through and it is horrible. I really feel for him.

goonie · Apr 21, 2006, 06:09 AM

Thank you everyone. He actually called me yesterday to say hi. I asked him how he was doing, and I reiterated to him how much I love him and that I will be there for him no matter what. I told him that of course it hurts to not be with him, but that I understand why he needs to do this and respect the fact that he's looking out for me. He told me that he feels awful about the whole situation, and hates the fact that he hurt me. He said that he loves as much as he ever has and misses me, and that it's just not fair for me to go through this with him right now. He also said that he hopes that we meet up again down the road. I'm the only person that he's really opened up to, so I know he trusts me. Like you all said, I'll give him some space... he knows that I'm here for him if he needs me. I told him not to worry about me, that I wasn't going anywhere, and to just focus on getting himself better.

He has been on medication for the past few years. However, his job does not offer health insurance, so it's too expensive for him to see a doctor on a regular basis. Several months ago he wasn't going to a doctor at all, I told him that he needed to start going, otherwise we couldn't be together, and that I'd help him pay for it. He did start seeing a doctor, but obviously not enough. Yesterday he told me that his doctor is making him come in more often now. So hopefully he'll get the help he needs.

I do wonder what brought this all on... He said that he'd been feeling this way for two months. Now he had asked me to move in with him in December, but at that point I wasn't ready. I was spending at least 3 nights a week with him, but wanted to wait to fully move in, I guess I'm old fashioned. A little over a month ago I moved in with a girlfriend of mine, and I still spent just as much time over his apartment. During that time he had been stressing about money, rent, work, and school (which I think might be the source). At that point I began to change my mind, and told him that I'd break my lease in the Fall when he was student teaching, so that we could move in together and save money. I wonder if we had moved in together from the beginning if things would've been different, he would have had less stress... I don't know, I think that he probably would have broken down no matter what.

s_cianci · Apr 23, 2006, 05:15 PM

Is he getting help and/or medication for his depression? Not to be unsympathetic but people who suffer from chronic, clinical depression can be very miserable people to have relationships with. It is usually very treatable but the victim needs to take the initiative and seek help. If he hasn't done this then I don't think you'll ever have much hope of having a successful relationship with him. If he has and still feels the way he does then he should contact his care provider about a possible adjustment in his dosage and other treatment options. Personally I'd concentrate on helping him that way for right now before worrying about a relationship that he's evidently not equipped to handle.

s_cianci · Apr 23, 2006, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by goonie

He has been on medication for the past few years. However, his job does not offer health insurance, so it's too expensive for him to see a doctor on a regular basis.

At that point I began to change my mind, and told him that I'd break my lease in the Fall when he was student teaching, so that we could move in together and save money.

After reading your most recent post, I'm going to add two things: First, he should see if he qualifies for state-subsidized health insurance. If his income is moderately low, coupled with his specific circumstances, chances are pretty good that he does. Secondly, if he eventually does get a job teaching in a public school then he will have employer-provided health insurance. However, he must get his depression under control before he begins student teaching or he'll never make it and he'll be worse off than ever. Teaching is a very stressful job, especially for a beginner. If he doesn't have nerves and emotions of steel, then forget it and look for another line of work.

goonie · Apr 24, 2006, 10:06 AM

Thank you everyone for your help and suggestions! For the past few years he has been seeing a doctor from the college he went to... it's through some program, so he does get a discount. In the past I suggested looking for other programs or assistance, but he doesn't like to accept help from people. And I agree, I've always worried about him teaching. He's been going to school for his degree for quite some time, and could have been teaching by now... although he says he really wants to be a teacher, I've always wondered if he goes to school and works full time at another job just to keep himself busy so he doesn't have to think about things. I don't know if his heart and mind are in it.

At this point I'm not sure that there's anything I can do to help him, like I said he doesn't like other people helping him. After my last posting, I had text messaged him saying that I was glad that we got to talk, that I was there if he needed me, and to have a good weekend. I never got a response from him, which isn't like him. At this point I need to totally back off, for his sake and for mine. I don't know, maybe it's not just all him, maybe he truly just doesn't want to be with me.

Oh, to make things worse... his sister just bought the house next to my family, so he's been there every weekend helping them fix it up. I was at my family's last weekend for Easter and then this weekend for a family thing... he was next door the entire time, but we never ran into each other. The last time I talked to him he said, "Oh, where were you running off to all day, I saw you in and out"... so obviously he saw me but was avoiding me. How awkward!

Chery · Apr 26, 2006, 08:07 AM

Dear goonie, there are many different kinds of depression, and they can stem from many different actions/reactions encountered by the individual.

His not wanting to accept assistance and avoiding emotional issues in a relationship is a hint that he is very unsatisfied with himself and his current surroundings. Unless he has insight to himself and why he's like this, there is nothing you can do for him. He needs to seek professional help on his own when he's ready for it. Until then, he'll probably sink further into his depression and drag you and everyone else down with him to a point where they will start avoiding him. Maybe this is just what he needs to wake up. Until then, if I were you, just give him the space he is demanding, there really is nothing you can do, unfortunately.

When a person is so low in a slump, and does not find a way out by themselves, they will realize one way or the other that this is not a state that is comfortable staying in.

Please ensure that you are not dragged into this, and start looking at what you really want in your life. Are you really strong enough for two people?? Ask yourself this question over and over, and you'll come to find out if you are indeed strong enough to be the pillar of strength in the relationship. If you are a strong personality by nature, you'll soon tire of having to be strong, and not having someone to lean on yourself. This will take a while, and you will miss being with him, but we all grow into or out of various stages in any relationship. Just let things happen as they should.

Right now, take care of #1 - YOU. Accept things as they are, and be a cordial neighbor - as he will either pick himself up, or lose himself. All you can do is be prepared for the results one way or the other.

Please keep us posted, and good luck!

jeffatl · Apr 27, 2006, 03:26 PM

This is actually a very respectfull thing he may be doing for you. Depression can really take hold of not only your life, but also of those around you. If he is feeling this bad, he may need some serious help. A lot of time people just need some time away from highly emotional situations because they can just make their anxiety so much worse. If you do want to get back together with him, its going to take a lot. You need to support him, and try not to take everything he does personally. He needs SUPPORTIVE relationships to get better. Try not to act different around him, and ASK HIM HOW HE IS DOING!! It means a lot to people when you take interest in their lives. This guy does love you if this is really why he broke up with you. Give him time, and space to get through this, but don't be afraid to shoot him a call if you haven't heard from him in a while just to say "hi" and ask him how he is doing. He sounds like a good guy, he just needs some help. Best of luck to the both of you.

goonie · Apr 28, 2006, 07:09 AM

Thank you jeffatl... I totally agree with everything you said! He truly is a genuinely nice person and always looks our for other's best interests over his own. I completely respect the fact that he's looking out for me, and I communicated that to him the last we spoke. He obviously could not deal with the stress of a relationship, and did not want me to suffer because of it. I believe that he loves me, because even as we were breaking up he told me how much he loved me.

Of course I can't help but wonder if this is the only reason why he broke up with me. He's not a deceptive person, but I wonder if maybe he wasn't IN love with me any more, or maybe he was thinking about his ex (although he swore on everything that was not the case), and maybe he was hurt by the fact that I wasn't ready to move in with him yet. I mean, he could've told me "I need to get through this on my own right now for us so we can be together", instead he just said "who knows what'll happen in the future, hopefully we'll meet up again". I haven't spoken with him in a week... I need some time to heal, and I want to give him some space. On the other hand I miss him so much and want to be there for him and be that supportive person he needs. It's hard right now to know where to draw the line.

I have started to see a therapist, I figure if he's working on himself, maybe it's time that I do too. For the past year I've tried to be supportive and strong for him, and gave him everything that I had to give. Like Chery said, now I need to start thinking about myself. This could all be a blessing in disguise, because now I am motivated to work on me and the issues that I have. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so hopefully this will be a good thing for both of us, and we'll both come out of this stronger.

RCgirl · Jun 3, 2009, 10:50 PM

Hi, Goonie! I know its been a few years since your post... but I am going through the Same thing. My boyfriend is suffering from depression and it came to a head yesterday... he told me he needs to get help and do this on his own and can't be there for me as a partner. He doesn't want to hurt me, more than he has and drag me down with him. He doesn't know who he is anymore... and barely even loves himself. I told him no matter what I will be there for him every step of the way and believe in him with all my heart. He told me I can still be his best friend and I'm hoping (and praying) I can still be there for him to continuously "open up" to me along this journey. I love him sooooo much, and I'm really scared for the future, but I understand and respect his decision... even though its sooo hard. :(

If you have a chance to read this... I would love to hear what happened with you two? Are you still in each other's lives? Are you together? A little hope would really help right now.

what2do27 · Jun 4, 2009, 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by RCgirl

Hi, Goonie! I know its been a few years since your post....but I am going through the EXACT same thing. My boyfriend is suffering from depression and it came to a head yesterday......he told me he needs to get help and do this on his own and can't be there for me as a partner. He doesn't want to hurt me, more than he has and drag me down with him. He doesn't know who he is anymore....and barely even loves himself. I told him no matter what I will be there for him every step of the way and believe in him with all my heart. He told me I can still be his best friend and I'm hoping (and praying) I can still be there for him to continously "open up" to me along this journey. I love him sooooo much, and I'm really scared for the future, but I understand and respect his decision...even though its sooo hard. :(

If you have a chance to read this...I would love to hear what happened with you two?? Are you still in each other's lives? Are you together? A little hope would really help right now.

Everyone in this thread are great people. My ex left me because of my depression which was fixed after they gave me the right medication. Now she is the one depressed and I'm trying to be there for her but she wants no part of it. She wants to be with her friends and party all the time now, but deep down is very lost.

TO RCgirl, and Goonie, I hope everything goes (or went) well in your journey through this process. I would have loved for someone like you two to stay in my life while I went through my change.

RCgirl · Jun 6, 2009, 10:25 PM

Originally Posted by what2do27

Everyone in this thread are great people. My ex left me because of my depression which was fixed after they gave me the right medication. Now she is the one depressed and I'm trying to be there for her but she wants no part of it. She wants to be with her friends and party all the time now, but deep down is very lost.

TO RCgirl, and Goonie, I hope everything goes (or went) well in your journey through this process. I would have loved for someone like you two to stay in my life while I went through my change.

Thank you what2do27... Just hearing your encouragement to stay by his side really helps. I've been trying to read a lot lately about depression and get even the smallest glimpse into what he may be feeling. For the past year that we have dated, the two of us have spent almost everyday together. I know he's been suffering from a lot of inner demons and the highs and lows of his career, finances and problems with his family. He mentioned a few weeks ago that he's starting to fall back into that "spiral". I tried to help with my heartfelt words of encouragment, but at that point, I think he had already fallen.

Since our breakup on Tuesday, I've been struggling with the simple "loneliness" of not having him around. But I know its for the best, for the both of us, for him to do this. I sent him a text earlier yesterday morning asking him if he had time to meet up for a quick cup of coffee and some simple conversation... he responded right away with a "time and place".

We met at 6pm and stayed out until 10... talking like nothing's changed, following the same routines we would do when we were dating and trying to be the best friend I promised I would be. We had a lot of fun!

At the end of the night... I finally asked how everything with HIM was going. And he responded, really well. He has a few appointments scheduled this next week with a therapist and he's trying to stay busy and productive everyday. I briefly brought up the conversation we had the night (when we broke up), and made sure to tell him that I may have been too emotional and said some selfish things that I probably shouldn't have been said. I apologized. Looked him straight in the eyes and told him I UNDERSTAND and I'm right by your side every step of the way. He leaned in right away and gave me a big kiss and a HUGE hug thanking me.

I know we have a long way to go... and it hasn't even been a week yet! :) But I believe in him and hope and pray that everything works out okay.