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holeinheart21 · Nov 16, 2008, 05:18 PM

Thanks for the comments Tal. I think sometimes we just need to hear it from someone, because it is difficult to successfully convince ourselves that we are doing the best thing for US. I spent the last month trying to find where I had messed up, and where I had gone wrong, and the reason it was so difficult to figure out, is because I hadn't done anything wrong. I had poured my heart in to this, dealt with a lot of things which many think I shouldn't have, believed that we were working towards something, when in fact I pulling the weight for the both of us, and in the end, when it seemed like she really wanted to start making an effort, she is getting set up with another guy. It took a lot of reflection time to see that I was dealing with someone that just couldn't appreciate what she had and what we could have had, and didn't want to put in the effort that it takes to be in a relationship, and just wanted it all to come to her. So as many people told me, "you gave everything you could and you were the best you could be to her, and if she wants to give that up, then that is her total loss.". I never wanted to believe it because I felt conceited in a way, but now I can see that it was nothing to do with being conceited, it was reality.

That is what makes me so curious of her motives for communication. I realize that we all want to know what is uncertain, and that gets the best of me here. You are right though, her motives are not anything that I should be concerned about, and it sucks, because I know that... but somehow it still gets the best of me.

talaniman · Nov 16, 2008, 09:56 PM

I remember the uncertainty, and confusion well, and how distracting it can be, as we search for answers, and a course of action to get to where we want to be.

When I started to look within myself, and not in the actions of others, is when I turned a corner, and started to see reality with a lot more clarity.

I think it takes a while to get there, and realize we all know the answers, but are just unsure how to go about applying those answers to our own reality.

I have faith you will see that for yourself, and be better for it. You already have a good start.

holeinheart21 · Nov 17, 2008, 12:15 PM

Well given all of that, how do I handle her now contacting me wanting to know why I am not communicating with her anymore? She felt that our communication over the last two weeks was going well, not for both of us, as I have realized what I have realized. She says that if I don't want her to contact me anymore then I should just tell her, and she will stop trying to contact me. This makes me feel like I need to respond and explain the situation, but I am taking into account everyone's advice that I don't owe her anything or any kind of explanation for why I'm not talking to her... she should either already know why, or be able to figure out why. Just not really sure if not responding is too harsh, but if I do respond, then what does that do for me?

kctiger · Nov 17, 2008, 12:24 PM

You can politely say, "I am not ready to talk right now. Please give me some time to get my head clear." She should respect your feelings. You need to do whatever you have to do to help yourself. At the same time, you don't have to be rude to her or hurt her feelings either. Just be honest and tell her you will talk when you are ready.

holeinheart21 · Nov 17, 2008, 01:35 PM

So I guess it should be something short and sweet, not necessarily sweet, but just to the point?

kctiger · Nov 17, 2008, 01:37 PM

You got it! The less emotion the better.

talaniman · Nov 17, 2008, 02:01 PM

Just not really sure if not responding is too harsh,

No harsher than what your feeling now, for sure.

if I do respond, then what does that do for me?

More confusion, and stirred up feelings.

NC doesn't mean rude, but brief and to the point and then excuse yourself and not lolly-gag around, and be drawn into a conversation.

The whole point of healing is to get over the situation, and move on.

She has, and you need to.

turtleneck123 · Jan 6, 2009, 09:32 PM

I think that is a good quality, you like myself, has to try and work things out rather than act on impulse, run away from problems, etc. I am pretty sure I was cheated on in my last relationship and still find myself trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe it didn't happen. We both seem to value the girls we had and were not willing to end things without certainty. I also did not want to be mean by ignoring her, but if they truly would have cared, these situations would have never arose.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2009, 10:13 PM

Knowing when to let go, and get away from a situation is a learned experience, and that's the lesson for you both!

We may not want to, but its best as we cannot control what happens most of the time, but we can control what we do. Back up, and give yourselves a chance to see what's best for you and these ladies ain't it.

They should never come before you and there is nothing left to fix, but yourself.