[Depressed in MO]

Hello all. As shameful as I am to write this, I need honest opinions.
Please feel free to move this if it is in the wrong category.

I have three little ones... two are in school. The oldest is 10, and the middle one is 6. They start school in the middle of next week. I still have to get school supplies and school clothes for them. My oldest one has her school supplies, but still needs clothes.

I'm not going to be able to afford it all at once. Please keep in mind I have absolutely no outside support at all. Have I tried to pursue it? Yes. Have I gotten anything? No.

Aside from all that, am I considered to be a bad parent? Or inadequate otherwise? Would it be OK if I buy their supplies now, SOME school clothes, but not all-and then make up for the rest of their clothes when I receive my next paycheck (which is in three weeks from today)?

I know this may sound petty, or not that important, but I am stressing out over it badly, I mean I am sick to my stomach, in a constant worry, I'm losing sleep, I don't want to get up out of bed in the morning, I am just so depressed. I live paycheck to paycheck and take care of all of their needs with nothing left over, but this is just something I cannot take care of all in one paycheck.

As I sit and wonder about it constantly, I realize, maybe if I would have just put a little back here and there and saved some, but I have not ever had this problem. I've always had help in the past somehow or another, but now that I am just their sole provider, it's very difficult and heart breaking for me.

Maybe I am just being a big baby, but my mother was always there for my brother and I, we always had things we needed-I just don't compare to her. And now she is gone.
I am just so depressed and it is making me sick-literally.

Anyway-thank you all for taking the time...

TJ

[N0help4u]

NO I understand where you are coming from been there, done that myself.
I had to go to thrift stores like the Salvation Army and Goodwill for much of my kids stuff.
I also would go to yard sales and flea markets and try to stock up on things ahead of time then in August I would buy what they still needed to get through the fall. During the fall I would buy them what they needed for the winter and into the spring.
I was always behind or couldn't even afford a lot of things they neededso I know how you feel but you can only do the best you can and keep on top of it the best you can so that CPS isn't called over something.
I had 4 kids and lived on approx $1,200. A month and I know it is hard but you have to make up for it by budgeting your money, not buying unnecessary things and finding the best bargains possible.

[ISneezeFunny]

I don't think things that are outside of your abilities makes you a bad parent. I think neglecting your kids of things that are needed and within reach... makes you a bad parent.

I don't see what's wrong with buying the necessary things for school (paper, pencils, notebooks, some clothes) now and then buying the not-so-necessary things later.

Even if we could have afforded it, my parents did the same... I never had a set of colored pencils or glue or a protractor...

[Depressed in MO]

Thanks all-No, my children have never been neglected by me for anything. I would just hate for them to go to school in the same clothes they have been wearing all summer long, I mean, their clothes are fine, it's not like they're all stained up, dirty, or have holes all over them, they're just-not new.

I know there isn't technically anything wrong with that, they're just so excited about having new things, and I think they are going to be upset with me. The oldest one especially. She is a great girl, and by no means spoiled, but I hate looking into their sad eyes when they are disappointed in me. It kills me. They are literally my life.

Sometimes I just feel bad-I don't want them to be made fun of, I don't want anyone in the outside world to hurt their feelings because of something I couldn't provide for them.

I know it's a part of life and its something a lot of us have gone through at one point or another, I just want to protect them as much as I can.

[Depressed in MO]

I don't think things that are outside of your abilities makes you a bad parent. I think neglecting your kids of things that are needed and within reach...makes you a bad parent.

I don't see what's wrong with buying the necessary things for school (paper, pencils, notebooks, some clothes) now and then buying the not-so-necessary things later.

Even if we could have afforded it, my parents did the same...I never had a set of colored pencils or glue or a protractor...

LOL... a protractor-that is like the main thing my oldest one needs that she didn't happen to get yet...

[N0help4u]

Buy them what you can afford now and then next month. Buy them a little every month you can. I felt bad that I could never take them on a vacation or buy them birthday or Christmas presents. They did get Christmas presents but not much from me. My one daughter is the only one of the 4 that resents growing up poor.

[ISneezeFunny]

... I think those school supply lists are a load of crap. I have a 15 year old brother... that I usually take back-to-school shopping for... and his list usually runs about $60 after everything, and in the end, he NEVER uses all of them. He NEVER used his color pencils, NEVER used his protractor/compass (neither have I... ), and never uses the 6 different notebooks they make him get.

As far as clothing, I don't think the new outfits will do anything for the kids... plus, you said the oldest one is 10... I strongly doubt her friends will even remember what she wore the day before. (I hope kids don't pay attention to things like that at the age of 10).

I suggest, instead of buying new outfits, to buy a new pair of pants to go along with the tops she now has... or buy a new top to go along with the pants she now has... and maybe a pair of shoes. With a bit of mix and matching, you can make new outfits.

[ISneezeFunny]

I grew up relatively poor as well... we lived in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto... I wore my dad's clothes (quite... big on my 11 year old body) I specifically remember one incident where our family went on a vacation (we drove 20 minutes) to go to Disney... my parents had scored some free tickets. We got to the gate, and were denied entrance as the tickets were invalid.

... I was 12 at the time, my brother was 4. I can only IMAGINE the heartache they went through trying to pry my brother away from the gates of Disney... only to turn around and go back home.

I never resented them for it, nor will I ever hold a grudge. I know how hard my parents worked and they did what they could to support me... and I knew that if they could, they'd buy me whatever I wanted. Some materialistic things matter, but mostly, it's what you can emotionally give your child. They'll understand.

[tsgtdog]

Oh my gosh, Bless you TJ for caring so deeply about your children's needs. It sounds to me as if your little ones are currently clothed and fed and obviously loved. So please stop beating yourself up over this. Sure, we should "all" set aside funds for different and unexpected expenses, but living paycheck to paycheck, and the state of our economy and prices of everything now, is making it difficult for many, many people to make ends meet, let alone set some aside. (look at all the foreclosures) Especially when only one person is footing the bill for several peoples needs. If you can swing getting only part of the kids clothing and or supplies at a time, do that. Unless they are dressed in literal rags, I would not stress too much regarding clothing. Get a new item, blouse, or jeans, or shoes, etc. every other week if your finances allow that. School supplies are probably/possibly more important at the beginning of the school year, but I personally would ask the children's teacher. Most educators understand that ALL parents simply cannot afford the entire array of items required for the school year at one time, and certainly would suggest you to purchase said items as needed. Again, just pick up one or two items at a time. The teacher should be able to tell you that, yes, pencils are a MUST the first week, but say, highlighters or glue won't be used until next month. The majority of people have, at one time or another, been , or have a loved one who is, currently struggling financially, and will understand your plight. Give it a try communicating with the children's teacher. Oh, and one last note: NEVER compare yourself to your parents. Different set of circumstances, different time, entirely different world than theirs. Strive (dont stress) over attaining positive qualities your folks had and that you admired. But understand that your life experience, situations, etc. are totally different than theirs, and face it, we will never be as wonderful in certain areas as them. (We'll also likely not mimic some our parents negative attributes as well) Keep your chin up TJ. Our kids will get on OK with love and support from us, they don't truly lack as much as we think they do, and remember, wants and needs are two different things. Weigh every purchase that way, and of course allow a few wants, but focus on the needs. Sorry the reply is so long, but I read your post and it made me sad to think a parent was seriously struggling over this "back to school" issue. (So much pressure, I know) Lots of us have been (or actually are now) precisely where you are. You'll be OK. So will the kids. :) Best to you! TSGTDOG

[Depressed in MO]

Thank you all so much for taking time to answer. My stomach is feeling a lot better after reading about your experiences (plus a half of a bottle of TUMS).
I just never experienced this when I was growing up. By no means has my family ever been "upper-class", but my mom did her best and we never worried, as kids, about the way society would treat us because she always came through at the right time.
Kids can be so cruel these days and as I stated previously stated-I worry so much about that.

Again, I apologize for being such a baby-I know it could be worse. I just feel like I am being neglectful (not on purpose) and feeling really crappy about it. I just wish there was more I could do.

Anyway-I do feel better, thanks to you all.

[cntrlof1sdestny]

Hello all. As shameful as I am to write this, I need honest opinions.
Please feel free to move this if it is in the wrong category.

I have three little ones...two are in school. The oldest is 10, and the middle one is 6. They start school in the middle of next week. I still have to get school supplies and school clothes for them. My oldest one has her school supplies, but still needs clothes.

I'm not going to be able to afford it all at once. Please keep in mind I have absolutely no outside support at all. Have I tried to pursue it? Yes. Have I gotten anything? No.

Aside from all that, am I considered to be a bad parent? Or inadequate otherwise? Would it be ok if I buy their supplies now, SOME school clothes, but not all-and then make up for the rest of their clothes when I receive my next paycheck (which is in three weeks from today)?

I know this may sound petty, or not that important, but I am stressing out over it badly, I mean I am sick to my stomach, in a constant worry, I'm losing sleep, I don't want to get up out of bed in the morning, I am just so depressed. I live paycheck to paycheck and take care of all of their needs with nothing left over, but this is just something I cannot take care of all in one paycheck.

As I sit and wonder about it constantly, I realize, maybe if I would have just put a little back here and there and saved some, but I have not ever had this problem. I've always had help in the past somehow or another, but now that I am just their sole provider, it's very difficult and heart breaking for me.

Maybe I am just being a big baby, but my mother was always there for my brother and I, we always had things we needed-I just don't compare to her. And now she is gone.
I am just so depressed and it is making me sick-literally.

Anyway-thank you all for taking the time...

TJ

It sounds as if you are wanting affirmation that it is okay that you don't have money. Well, it is okay, BUT you need to try to make the most of the money you DO have. Have you ever shopped at GoodWill? If no, then that is the first place you need to go. Many of the items they have still have the price tags on them, brand new. Even most of the used clothing is in very excellent condition. Do you have yourself on any kind of budget? Is there anything that can be elliminated (ie. Cigarettes, liquor, etc).
Where is the father(s)? Have you asked him for help? If he doesn't help, have you tried to file for child support? Just some thoughts.

[Depressed in MO]

Buy them what you can afford now and then next month. Buy them a little every month you can. I felt bad that I could never take them on a vacation or buy them birthday or Christmas presents. They did get Christmas presents but not much from me. My one daughter is the only one of the 4 that resents growing up poor.

I feel just like you did. I am sorry for the one daughter resenting the situation-which is what I fear the most...

[J_9]

I'm going to admit up front that I did not read all of the responses before answering. Now, NO you are not a bad parent.

Heck, my children started school last Tuesday and I bought a few clothes for both of them, and school supplies for the little one on MONDAY. Now, I bought little J's school supplies for first grade, he went to school on Tuesday and brought home a totally different list of school supplies. His teacher did not want everything that was on the "global" first grade list from his school. So, I had to go out and return a few things and purchase a few different things.

My daughter started high school and did not have her list until last Friday. So, we went school shopping for her yesterday.

As far as the clothes, I only bought 2 new shirts for my 6 year old. He can still wear shorts until fall break in October. I see no reason to go out and buy new shorts if he can wear the ones he has. Also, I see no reason to go out and buy him pants at this point because he will most likely outgrow them by October. So, his school shopping will be done during fall break.

[Wondergirl]

Like Sneezy or someone said, the school supplies won't all be needed the first weeks. Get the pencils and crayons and glue, but don't worry about the rest. The teacher can clue you in before things are needed. (And I recently read that there's a certain pencil now with a Hanna Montana video attached?? Gimme a break!)

I was the first kid and we were dirt poor. I ended up with a new blouse or new socks or maybe new shoes, depending on what was needed. I never had an entire back-to-school wardrobe. Check out some books at the library--in the kids' department are books on how to make kid jewelry out of stuff lying around the house. Help her make necklaces and pins. Your daughter can wear some unique jewelry to enhance her outfits. She'll be the envy of the other girls.

Be imaginative and creative!

[N0help4u]

Also an advantage to buying a little at a time is you never know how fast your kids are going to grow within the school year. I remember one year I was constantly buying my one daughter new clothes every three months because she was out growing them way too fast. She grew three sizes between Sept to June.

[Alty]

I do have a suggestion. Here in Canada most of our schools have a program for back to school supplies. People in the community buy extra supplies that are then given out to the children of parents who are having a hard time getting those supplies. Check with your school, perhaps they have a program like that.

School supplies can be expensive, I know that I dread the cost every year. This year both my kids will be in school full time. Here's the cost. $600.00 for busing, $185 each for school fees, around $120 each for supplies. September is when they start school, and their birthdays, August 26 and Sept 4, so more expense.

You are not a bad mother. Some kids have every toy their hearts desire, new clothes, all new school supplies, everything new, whatever they want. Those same kids beg for a bit of attention from their parents. Yes, there's lots of money, but the love and attention, not always. Possessions are not important, time and love is, and you give your kids plenty of that. :)

So, chin up, you're doing your best, and even if they don't appreciate it now, they will one day. :)

[Wondergirl]

even if they don't appreciate it now, they will one day. :)

Good point, Alty. My sons are in their thirties and don't remember buying school suppies and new clothes, but they do remember making times-table flash cards with me and reading their new readers out loud to me and telling all about their schoolday and doing homework at the dining room table with me nearby as consultant (who made them think harder, but didn't answer the homework questions myself).

[Depressed in MO]

it sounds as if you are wanting affirmation that it is okay that you don't have money. well, it is okay, BUT you need to try to make the most of the money you DO have. Have you ever shopped at GoodWill? If no, then that is the first place you need to go. Many of the items they have still have the price tags on them, brand new. Even most of the used clothing is in very excellent condition. Do you have yourself on any kind of budget? Is there anything that can be elliminated (ie. cigarettes, liquor, etc).
Where is the father(s)? Have you asked him for help? If he doesn't help, have you tried to file for child support? Just some thoughts.

Well... I think there is only one or two questions in your post that have not been answered already in my original post.

1. We only shop at Goodwill

Ok... only one.

Of course I budget, I never said I was in debt (although one could look at it that way... ), I just don't have enough money for all the supplies that are on my children's list. I just honestly live paycheck to paycheck-all because I do budget. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to make it.

As far as your questions regarding where are the father(s)?

"Please keep in mind I have absolutely no outside support at all. Have I tried to pursue it? Yes. Have I gotten anything? No."

I took that from my original post.

The main reason I posted was to see if there were others that have gone through with this and how did he/she handle it if so.

Thanks for replying! Please let me know if I have left anything unanswered. :)

[J_9]

You are a GREAT mother Mo!! Remember where you were last year and the year before with the circumstances you were in... Just look how far you have come.

I think the back to school shopping, as far as clothes goes, is overrated and makes those that cannot afford Abercrombie or Hollister feel bad. I actually despise this time of year. This is one reason I am an advocate for uniforms in schools.

[N0help4u]

I see the disadvantages of uniforms too though.
My daughters had to wear uniforms in high school and it cost more than buying clothes at the stores. Also the teachers played favorites and sent some kids home constantly for being out of uniform for stupid little things while they let other kids come to school in tee shirts. My daughter and other girls ended up dropping out of school over it.
It may be the teachers at that school but uniforms leave with very bad memories