[lwchris]

"I am not happy, I just need time by myself" my wife says. What does that mean?
I think that she is trying to tell me that personally she is not happy. That she can’t happy with us unless she is happy with herself first. I want to give here the space she need, I am just afraid of losing her. We have been together 10 years and married for 8 years.
Any suggestions?

[jakester]

lwchris - you are in a much better position to answer the question "what does that mean?" You need to sit down with your wife and really talk because it sounds like there are a lot of issues and you are not completely aware of what she means. Talk to her and ask her what it is she needs from you and what good it is for her to have time away from you when you have issues that need resolving now.

It just seems to me that right now you need to talk rather than spend time apart.

[lwchris]

Jakester, thanks for your reply

I have tried talking to her in the past, I can't get the answers that I need from her. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions? I will think about what you have said.

[jakester]

lwchris -

I understand. You know, it could be that if you asked her in the midst of a conflict that she was not prepared to talk about it at the time. Sometimes it helps to catch a person when they are off guard, when they are not angry or upset, and pick a real opportune time to discuss what's going on. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but hopefully you know when and when not to bring up very deep and emotional subjects with your wife.

For the time being, maybe you can think of how you have interacted with her lately. She's not perfect either, but perhaps you have overlooked some way that you have contributed to this conflict. Be prepared to approach her with something and say "gee, I realize that I have been acting a certain way towards you that I think you didn't like and I apologize." Fill in the blanks, chris. Maybe your humility can soften her and cause her to let her guard down with you.

Of course, I'm totally speculating as to what your issues really are. I wish you all the best, my friend.

[talaniman]

What are the things in your life that's making her unhappy??

[Guidostern]

Are you sure that you're not getting the answers you need from her, or are you not getting the answers you want from her? Be sure to always be a good listener. Make sure that nothing goes unnoticed... no matter how small you might think it may be.

[maxim_r]

When she says she's unhappy, she means it. It also means she's been thinking about it for a long time. In my book, a break is almost always a prelude to a break-up. If she doesn't want to communicate with you, I suggest you give her the space. Don't be needy or demanding. Give her space and also suggest counseling when she is in a more receptive mind set.

[JBeaucaire]

What would SHE say to us if we were counselors asking the "what is the problem" question?

[simoneaugie]

Many women do too much work in the partnership of marriage. They are taught that they aren't supposed to complain about it. These women get tired and stressed and don't know how to fully admit to themselves that they are doing too much.

Listen between the lines. Remember things she has said in the past. Ask for clarification if you are not clear on what she is saying. She may just need a break from routine. This doesn't mean that she no longer wants to be married to you. Maybe she just wants to be free and "single" like she used to be for a few days. Help her make the space a reality. Be a good partner and friend in that way.

Change your routine too. Pick up several chores that she normally does and continue doing them for a year. Ask her for advise and compliment her when she does something ordinary. (If my husband would mention that he likes the way I hung the towels, that would be so cool!) You know her well. She is your friend first, then a wife.

[talaniman]

For sure if a man can't tell why his female is unhappy, he i.e. either, not been paying attention all these years, or is so selfish he is ignoring her, so which is it??