[A Touch of Love]

My daughter in law does not like me. My son and daughter in law had a baby almost 5 months ago. I was at the birth and all went well, or so I thought. I only got to spend 3 days with them (had to stay at a motel) and could only go the their home if I called and ask first. I understand that, but it still hurt. When I said goodby and was leaving I told my son and my daughter in law that I loved them. She did not say a single thing. That hurt.
When I returned home and to work I found out that I was being laid off from my job. I decided, after talking to my son, that now was the time to move. My son was all for me moving closer to them. We had not lived in the same city for 7 years. I even sent an email to my daughter in law and explained why I wanted to move and to make sure it was OK with her. She sent me back an email saying all was OK and she hoped we could work on our relationship when I got there.
The move took place almost 4 months after the baby was born. I had not seen him since he was 3 days old. When I got checked into the motel I called her and ask if I could see the baby. She was busy, she was with her mother, her and her mom were having problems, she had homework - it went on and on. Sissy that I am I cried and for just 5 minutes. She got mad and hung up on me. She called me back and explained all her issues again and maybe I could come by after my son got off work.
Since then I am not allowed in her home to see the baby unless she is there. My son is now a stay at home dad, she is in school. My son has to bring the baby to me to see him. This is making things difficult for him and me. She wants him to choose between me and her. What can I do?? She will not talk to me and my son and her argue about this all the time. I am single and this is my only child and grandchild. Besides moving again or dying how can I make the better?? Help please!

[Stringer]

May I ask if there were any strained relations between you and your daughter in law prior to this? Did something happen at anytime in the past that would make her hold some kind of grudge against you? If you can recall anything and can tell us, that may help us to understand much better...

Stringer

[Tralyn]

I was wondering the same thing.

With what you have posted above these would be my assumptions..

The love your son has for you makes her feel threatened

Or

She has felt that you have meddled in their relationship

[JBeaucaire]

... or the OP has left out the part of the story that would help us understand the Daughter-in-law's behavior.

[Romefalls19]

The only thing I can suggest is communication or perhaps she is going through depression right now

[talaniman]

Unfortunately you must back off, and leave her alone for a while, and build your own life, and routine that makes YOU happy. I am a grandparent and I do understand what your going through, but until the DIL, makes things happen, you will cause conflicts in their marriage, and she will continue the resentments, for whatever reason.

If your son could visit you more, that would be better, but the main thing is to let her deal with her own issues, and not make them yours, or make them worse.

[A Touch of Love]

I hope this will answer some of the questions.
She has been a full time student since she met my son. He was going to school and working part time. I have only seen her about 6 times in their 7 years of marriage. Up until 2 years ago everything seemed good. We painted her family room, shopped for furniture, laughter and had a good time. On that visit she told me she loved me. Her father supports her (he is very rich) as long as she goes to school. She has changed her career path about 3 times. My son has left her 3 times because of her controlling ways. Until recently I only knew of 1 of those times.
She is lovely and a good mother. She does love her son and husband. They live way beyond their means because of her fathers money. I have not always agreed with her but it was about small things, like where to eat and who should get what. Never about anything major.
She will only allow my son to work on her days off. He is a plumber so that is not a problem. But he is having issues being a stay at home dad. He loves his son, but looks forward to her days off when he can get out.
The latest reason she does not like me is: once I returned home from the birth of the baby I went looking for a card to send them. I addressed it to both of them, but I have wound a Willow figure that matched a picture I had taken at the hospital of my son with his son. I mailed the figure with the card. She is upset that I had not sent you a gift also. I had given her a give when she brought the baby home and sent her flowers. I explained to her that with all the showers and stuff and this was a special gift for the father. All gifts to this point had been to her and the baby.
I have ask my son for advice twice since I have been here. Once I ask him if I needed new tires and once with a plumbing issue. She thinks I am reversing the roles now and that he is the father and I am the child. I have not yet made any male friends here yet and I trust my son's advice. Is this role reversal?
I call my son once a week when she is at work. He calles me during the week when she is at work.

[JBeaucaire]

OK, then the previous posters (and you) have nailed the real issue. She's controlling and childish in her response.

Unfortunately, she's also the mother of your grandchild. If your son isn't going to be able to coax more mature behavior out of her, your choices are simple:

1. Get used to not seeing your son or grandson except by her specific schedule and supervision...period.
2. Become the world's best arse-kisser and adore her every irritating breath
3. Stop pushing and go about your own life, always stay near and available, but stop pushing yourself into the family circle, stop completely. It's not to act like you don't care, it's to act like you're busy, busy.

[Tralyn]

OK, then the previous posters (and you) have nailed the real issue. She's controlling and childish in her response.

Unfortunately, she's also the mother of your grandchild. If your son isn't going to be able to coax more mature behavior out of her, your choices are simple:

1. Get used to not seeing your son or grandson except by her specific schedule and supervision...period.
2. Become the world's best arse-kisser and adore her every irritating breath
3. Stop pushing and go about your own life, always stay near and available, but stop pushing yourself into the family circle, stop completely. It's not to act like you don't care, it's to act like you're busy, busy.

I completely agree