[confused5000]

Hi everyone. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 5 months. It was a very passionate, sexual relationship. I cared for him a great deal and we had a great time together. However there wasn't much more to the relationship than this. We didn't have much in common and we didn't have a good emotional connection however it was still fun and exciting so we continued to make it work. He could sometimes be mean by commenting on how cute other girls looked or even one time saying that he wanted to have sex with my friend. However I tried to overlook these things attributing them to him being insecure and trying to make me jealous. But things continued like this and I even started to become suspicious that he had cheated on me since he started accusing me of cheating on him out of nowhere.

Well anyway we broke up in the end because he moved to a new city for his work. After 2 months of breaking up, I visited him because I happened to be passing through his city. We ended up having sex. This is where things get kind of confusing. I went back home but we started to behave like boyfriend and girlfriend again. We would call and text each other and call each other sweet nothings and he would ask me when I was next going to visit him. So I went and visited him again for a whole weekend and we just fell into our old boyfriend girlfriend routine. He is coming to stay with me for a week soon and its now been 5 months since we've broken up. We haven't even discussed the fact that we're having sex or behaving exactly like boyfriend and girlfriend again.

This is sooo confusing! I don't really know what he wants from me because he could easily get a new girlfriend in his new city yet he hasn't so far. I just can't understand why he's still carrying on like this when 1) I'm so far away 2) our relationship really wasn't that good to begin with 3) he could be seeing other girls as well (especially since he wasn't that trustworthy in the first place). Do you think he just wants to have his cake and eat it? If so then why bother with me when I'm so far away? He even booked us a nice getaway together for when he visits. I really don't understand. Please help!

[Romefalls19]

I think you already know the answer to this question but just don't want to admit to it. Obviously this relationship isn't destined to work, you know this. What you need to decide is how much longer your going to let him plague your mind and heart. It's only hurting you because you're letting it

[N0help4u]

Because you let him. If you want to continue being with him have you thought of moving closer to him if that is a possibility? Either you are going to continue as you are or you are going to have to have a discussion with him on where you actually stand with him.
As long as you just keep letting him do what he wants he will, even possibly after he finds somebody else.
LDR hardly ever works.

[liz28]

You already stated he is untrustworthy and the relationship you had was no good, so if anything why is you allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. You can easily say no and don't have to give in to him. Why even deal with this headache? You have to even stop before you start developing feelings and get hurt or talk about your confusion to him. Remember you can do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff without being committed but it don't seem like that what you want.

I think you should leave him alone and move on and stop having sex with him, that can confuse things.

[talaniman]

Lets get real here, as you BOTH enjoy this friends with benefits deal. As long as your going along with it, what do you expect him to do??

Nothing will ever change until you change it. That's the easy part, stop having sex, and I 'm sure he would fade into the sunset, I'm sure you know that, and your only fooling yourself.

[confused5000]

Hi all,
Me and my ex-boyfriend split up for good this time 2 weeks ago. I don't know why but I feel really depressed and miserable about it, even though I wholeheartedly agreed with the decision and still do. I think the thing that's bothering me is that in order to get over him, I did what many articles recommended and went over all the things I hated about him. But after having done this, I became even more miserable and depressed. After thinking long and hard, I can't help but feel that maybe he didn't even care about me at all. So now I'm being plagued with these thoughts and they're really bringing me down.

For example, we had a long distance relationship but we used to see each other once a week or every two weeks which isn't bad. But after thinking about it, I realised that the only times he ever came to visit me were when he was on his way to somewhere else and my city was closer to his destination then his. I don't know whether to attribute this to him just using me or whether its because he's a very anal, organised person and so combining me and business into the same trip is just more time-efficient for him and his busy lifestyle (he worked until about 9 every night). Also, I was always extremely jealous of his ex-girlfriend. They were together for 2 and a half years and were going to get married but he said no because he was scared and saw marriage as too much of a commitment. Anyway, we got together 2 months after they broke up but I still very much felt her presence. She posted him an advent calendar for christmas and sent him postcards. He had a photo of her in his desk and her old phone number written on a piece of paper in his pencil case. He sent her lovey dovey emails in which he told her stuff that he didn't tell me (normally trivial stuff like names of his friends) but stuff that he would never tell me without some pushing. I just feel a bit heart-broken that he was so open and honest with his ex yet with me it was always a battle to discover anything of importance about him.

But he was sweet to me as well though. He would always insist on holding my hand, cuddling and kissing me in public almost like he wanted people to know. He would say I'm beautiful and pay for everything like meals out and stuff. But now I just can't help wondering if he did care about me at all? I just feel really worthless and low in self-confidence after thinking that he mightn't have liked me at all the whole time we were together (10 months). Can you spend entire weekends with someone and not like them? Or do you think it was just the case that it wasn't necessarily that he didn't like me, just that he was still madly in love with his ex. I don't know why but I feel like I need an answer to this question in order to get closure and move on. Any help much appreciated.

[Kevin_s]

Honestly, one word describes what you have...

LUST.

You're whole relationship is based off physical attractions, sex, and that's it. What you guys are doing now is friends with benefits, and you're both never going to let go of each other.

Tell him that since you guys are not in a relationship, that you would like some space without talking to him. You both need this time to become YOU again and not what you are to each other.

[JBeaucaire]

You need to stop talking in two directions at once. You say you feel worthless, then describe TWICE how much this guy doted on you and sexed you up and treated you well. Seriously. Cut it out. You're perfectly attractive, you're not worthless, and every moment spent thinking like that is HORRIBLY wasteful and self-indulgent in a negative way.

So... cut it out.

Also, stop with the melodrama. (I know, I'm harsh, but I care... sue me.)

Your first relationship was all perfectly real and normal and exciting... and it ended. That didn't make any of it false. Cut out that thinking, too.

Then, your friends with benefits "round 2" was the same thing, perfectly real for what it was. But what it was just casual sex (great sex, right?) between familiar and caring FRIENDS. That's it. Nothing weird going on here, nothing special either.

The reason FWB is such a bad is because SOMEONE always starts up the intimacy feelings and gets hurt, knowing full well it's just supposed to be FWB. This time it was you who did that.

So stop looking for ways to romanticize your relationship with your ex. It's an EX relationship with most likely a nice guy who treats you well when you're together. That's not confusing, it's FRIENDSHIP, it's familiarity.

This will go on for decades if you let it. Slot this guy into the "ex" category forever and start writing your next chapter.

[chuff]

That first post and that second post don't seem to be written by the same person. This was a sexual relationship that you wanted feelings to develop but you didn't make the rules clear... to yourself.

[confused5000]

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago now. I did the whole NC thing and I was very proud of myself because I kept it up for 2 whole months :D I didn't tell him that I was doing it though, but when I stopped contacting him, he stopped contacting me as well. So after the two months, I felt really good again and he was rarely ever in my thoughts. I was pretty much over the breakup.
However the other day, he randomly called me one evening (we barely ever spoke on the phone even when we were going out) and he said it had been a while and he wanted to know how I was. This came as a complete shock because like I said, he had completely disappeared from my life and I rarely thought about him anymore. But he was really strange on the phone and kept saying things like 'when I next see you' and behaving as if there had been no lapse in contact at all. We then spoke again a week later and then again during the week (all calls initiated by him). He went back to talking to me as if we were going out and made jokes about how he would like me to dress modestly because it would make him feel safer. (He lives 3 hours away from me by train and so he hadn't seen me... he was just saying that). I found this comment kind of strange because I'm not his anymore so it wasn't his place to say that. He also kept suggesting that I go and visit him. I'm starting to wonder if he suddenly made contact with me because of a promise we made to each other. When we broke up, we agreed to keep the weekend of November 1st free to see each other. This date was roughly two months after we broke up and the reason that I said it at the time was that it kind of softened the blow of the breakup if we knew that we would see each other again. But after falling out of contact for around 2 months, I forgot about this and assumed that it wouldn't happen anyway.

So my question is basically, what is my ex thinking? Did he initiate contact again coincidentally around the time that we were supposed to meet if I would go running back to him again? I'm really confused!

[kctiger]

He did this because he was playing games with you. You picked up the phone right? Well he won... now go back to NC and do it FOREVER this time. You have no need to EVER worry about him again. I mean that in the most heartless and cold way possible. You were doing awesome and I am proud of you, now get back on the horse and ride it for good this time.

[talaniman]

What is there to be confused about?? Either you stop talking again, and move on, or play any games he is up to.

Why even consider going backward, since you say your over him?? Tell him your busy. When couples break up, then all future commitments are null and void.

[confused5000]

My ex and I broke up last August. We didn't contact each other for almost 2 months afterwards and then he started calling me saying that he wanted to see me again. He lives about 2 and a half hours away by train (we broke up when he moved there because its too far away). I said that I would maybe go up and see him but then I kept postponing it. I came back from holiday a few days ago and he called me when I got back saying that he had come back to his home town (near where I live) and he wanted to see me. He was begging me down the phone so I let him come round and he stayed for 2 days and 2 nights. We ended up having sex and he went back to behaving like my boyfriend yet again as if nothing had changed.
The thing I'm confused about is that we seem to have gone backwards in our relationship with each other. When we first started seeing each other it was pretty much just about the sex and he was very emotionally unavailable and didn't tell me much about himself. However ever since he's moved, he's started calling me (we only ever used to text) and he tells me a lot more about himself. When I saw him a few days ago, it was the best time I've ever had with him. For the first time, we went out and did meaningful stuff together like going round museums etc and we had a really great time together. He was soooo affectionate with me. He couldn't stop hugging me in public, paying for meals and other things and he said he missed me and wanted to see me more often. In the past he could sometimes be quite mean and cold to me but this time he behaved completely differently towards me. He was just so warm and looked at me really lovingly. He also kept saying things like 'the next time I come and see you, we can go to this restaurant and do this and this.. ' and he talks about what we can do together when I go up and see him. He even asked me if I want to go on holiday with him. So this is why I'm incredibly confused... is he just using me for sex or does he genuinely like me and just want to spend time with me? I don't know what he wants!

There is another issue here as well which adds to my confusion. He had a very serious girlfriend right before me. They were considering getting married but he said he didn't want to get married so they broke up and she moved back to her home country. I was really bad and looked at some of his emails when he stayed with me last time and he wrote to one of his friends and said that he had been on and off with his ex-girlfriend for the whole year (I was dating him for about 10 months of that). He didn't technically cheat on me because she lives in a different country but I'm still really angry with this news. He wrote her an email in which he said he was in love with her and that he wants to get back together with her. Also there was no mention of me in any of his emails to his friends. He only ever mentioned her. So now I'm really confused about firstly why he persists on maintaining regular contact with me and coming to see me and yet he seems to be in love with his ex-girlfriend in another country. Is he just completely using me? Please help me to understand what is going on in his mind. If I meant nothing to him then wouldn't he have forgotten about me by now after moving?

Thanks in advance for your help!

[ylaira]

I will say it is genuine if he spent months wooing you back, begging like a dog w/o sex. Confront him and stop having sex!

[itried]

I can't say if he is using you or not. But yeah, you should confront him and get to the bottom of this. Ask him what you're asking us. And most definitely stop having sex. That will let you see things with perspective. Good luck!

[confused5000]

ylaira - If it is genuine then why didn't he mention me in any of his emails to his friends? It's almost like I never existed, the fact he never even spoke about me when his friends asked what was new with him. He just spoke about his ex-girlfriend. It makes me feel like I was completely insignificant and not worth talking about :'(

[thadevilsadvocate]

Have you ever heard of the term, "have your cake and eat it too"? Basically, that seems to be what is going on here. It seems like your gut instinct is on the right track. He is and has been emotionally cheating on you, and that is just as bad as physically cheating on you, if not worse. He was making you feel as though you were the only one, when in fact he was saying otherwise in all of his emails.

The other girl is in another country, which seems to be the one that he wants to be with, however, you are not in another country. He can't be with the other girl, so you are the one that he is with for now, which is another way saying, you are being used and his feelings are not genuine. HE WASN'T EVEN MENTIONING YOU IN ANY OF HIS LETTERS. If you are this great girl that he loves so much, he should proud to be with you.

On top of it all, he admitted himself in his emails, that he dating the other girl, off and on, FOR TEN MONTHS WHILE YOU TWO WERE TOGETHER. It doesn't matter what country she is in. Love is when that person has eyes only for you, he was dating the both of you, which is cheating, no matter if she lives on the moon.

You have information, and it seems like your gut has interpreted it right and has recognized the red flag waving in the air, so make use of that knowledge, and save yourself from getting burned. You deserve better than this, and he doesn't deserve you. Don't settle, and don't overlook the facts that are right in front of you. All the things he has been saying and doing, don't matter, because he was off and on with the other girl at the same time as being with you.

[confused5000]

That's a great answer thadevilsadvocate. Thank you! The truth hurts though :(

[ThatGuy2]

Emotional infidelity on his part and lack of trust on yours. Unfortunately, your instincts were accurate. If this is still not enough for you to leave him, then let him know you read the emails. Be calm and play it from there. Just remember your not completely innocent either for reading his emails. Good luck, and I hope for the best.

[talaniman]

Is my ex using me?

Sure he is and your letting him because you have ignored all the facts that are there in front of you. So the real question is what are you going to do about it? How far will you run, from him?

Your just something to do until he gets what he really wants.