[N0help4u]

What I am getting and I may be way far off base is she may see you more as a security blanket and you are a comfort zone for her but that maybe even though she thinks she is IN love with you she may only be in love with the idea of having you there for her.
Even though she is loyal and would stick with you through thick and thin so will any body that is your true friend. I think she unconsciously sees you as a true friend and mistakes it for relationship love. Very few people really KNOW REAL love and have their own interpretation for what they perceive love to be. IN her case it seems that loyalty and friendship and what YOU DO for her is love.

[twinkiedooter]

Sounds like a sister and not wife material you've got going there. First of all you admitted you do wayyyyy too much for her every day. What does she do in return for you other than pick at blackheads every night? The way she is treated is more like a daddy taking care of his little darling daughter and her acting like a little spoiled brat.

Please tell me you're not going to go through and marry her? You'll be worse than miserable if you do. The ocean is full of other women who would be much more receptive than she appears to be to such a romantic person such as yourself. If you somehow rationalize away and think she's going to magically change her ways and marry her you will deserve every day of boring, unfulfilled "sister/daughter" that she can throw your way.

[plonak]

WARNING!! Do NOT marry this girl until you get to the bottom of this.. your marriage will ultimately fail. My cousin is married and his wife doesn't ever want to be touched by her husband, and they rarely have sex, and he feels it's compeltly ruining the marriage, he contemplates leaving her so many times, and he's miserable.. please please don't marry this girl.. or at least until your have completley solved the problem, and from the looks of it, this is going to be a hard task.

[N0help4u]

Synn said it ALL
Honestly--if she wants a sexless life, she should marry someone else who doesn't want sex, either.


You may be okay with it now --but marriage you are talking 30 -40 yrs of what? Her being pampered and treating you like a brother or dad figure. It will grow old and you WILL feel like you are missing out on ''NORMAL''.

[Choux]

Does this woman have money and resources?? Is this why you want to stay with her?? Are you having medical problems so you want security??

She doesn't *like or want* to have sex with you... what if you live to be 80?? That is theoretically 50 SEXLESS YEARS.

You have to get a backbone and move on. There is a lot of resentment seething under the surface of her personality, and now, in your personality. Do you want a marriage based on seething resentment day after day after day after day?

Best wishes to you in the future,

[Desperate30]

Lol.. no. We make about the same income. Medical Problems aren't an issue, plus I'm Canadian.. we have healthcare.

We keep talking about it though. She still ultimately thinks that her Birth Control Pills are the source of her non existent libido.

[twinkiedooter]

Well if it's the birth control pills there ARE other ways of preventing pregnancies other than pills you know. Have her go off them and see if that makes any difference.

[smoothy]

As I have said, why even contemplate marrying a woman that is unwilling (for whatever reason) to provide one of the most basic pleasures that comes with marriage.

[Synnen]

Waiting until after the marriage to go off the birth control pills (or have them changed) is her blackmailing you.

Issue an ultimatim: Either she changes her prescription or trusts in condoms BEFORE the wedding, or there will BE no wedding.

Committing to someone when you are not happy with them is a bad idea.

[lmangileri]

After reading all these posts all I can say is "wow." SO many things wrong with this situation. First of all it sounds like she is taking advantage of you. Second of all if she cared about how you felt she would be trying a lot harder. She would already be off the birth control pills and trying other methods of birth control. If you keep addressing the issue and you're not getting anywhere it kind of sounds like a lost cause. I do have a question though. How long have you two been engaged?

[Choux]

Dear Desperate,

There is a reason why you are even considering a sexless marriage and a marriage based on conflict. [To most of the experts here, a life of living hell, I would bet]

What is that reason?

Be honest. :)

[MarionH5]

You have got to ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to spend the rest of your life begging for sex and wondering if tonight is the night? Can you handle years of rejection and wondering what you did that makes you so repulsive to her? Do you honestly believe that once you are married all the sexual hangups will be gone? You sound like a nice person. At least give yourself a chance at some happiness and resolve these issues before it's too late.

[hannah_nicole]

Desperate30- Please give yourself a chance to be happy. This woman has you under her thumb, and her reaction to discussion (defensiveness) proves she has no real desire for the situation to change. This is how she wants things to be. There is more to a relationship than simply having the same future outlook, things can and will happen that will alter the future & what you want in it. Of course you feel you know she will stay with you through anything, why on earth would she leave? You give her everything >

[hannah_nicole]

And all she does is pop a few zits, which I'm sure is more pleasurable for her than even you. You may find you enjoy this simply for the physical closeness and not the actual act. Anyway things are unlikely to change she has you where she wants you and is content-you are not. There is no point marrying someone unless you are both happy. Personally I would be questioning whether she actually loved me, or if I was just a conveinience in her life...

[Xrayman]

I think you already know the answer...

no sex = no intimacy = no love, eventually one or both of you will look elsewhere.

this is not going to be ANYTHING like a normal marriage-you both need to move on. She needs help. I believe that her attitude is one I'd expect from a sexual assault victim or incest victim. She just needs help and frankly I don't think you are in any way able to provide her with the help she needs

[hunky]

First time I've ever done this, so be gentle please.

Here's my situation. I'm 29 going on 30. I have been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. I love her dearly. We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same hobbies and we generally get along great.

I bet you know where this is going, or else I wouldn’t be here.

As much as some aspects of our relationship are perfect, they almost don’t make up for the parts that are really sad and pathetic.

There are TONS of issues and I don’t even know where to start.

I might as well start with the intimacy and I can fill you in on the rest as people answer and ask me questions.

Me and my fiancé haven’t made love in over 9 months now. I feel like the best years of my life are being totally wasted. I sense no desire from her what so ever and every time I mention the problem, she immediately gets defensive and lashes out at me. Saying that she’s trying her hardest to “fix” this problem. In my opinion, after 9 months, she isn’t trying very hard and I’m feeling very undesirable.

I gotta say that about 3 weeks ago, we did have a little getaway weekend and we were intimate in a nice romantic bath, but as grateful as I was for the display of affection, I basically just did all of the work and there was no penetration. We kissed, we touched, she turned around and I finished the job myself.

She thinks this was a huge milestone for her, yet has been even more cold since then.

It’s hard to even mention sex because she always responds with the old “When you pressure me it just makes me want to do it less”. Yet she’s the type that if I pretend like everything’s ok, she’ll just totally forget that a relationship is SUPPOSED to have a healthy sex life. And god forbid I’d ever sleep up and say that “I have needs”. She absolutely gets furious when men say that it’s a “need”. She’d be perfectly happy with not having sex for the rest of her life.

Anyway, like I said.. I love her very much and we are getting married next year as well as buying a house together. Should I really go through with it? Should I trust her empty promises that she is trying to fix the problem? I’m starting to think that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and that I should run, far, far away because I deserve better.

Honestly, I could stand the rest of her faults.. if she would only physically show me that she loves me.

Signed,

Desperate30

Get out quick! I ve been married 24 years... Having been married for some time now, my wife has decided that she doenst want to be touched down below and will engage in no sort of sexual foreplay... after all she says it is her body. But it does have an impact on me too. I wondered if I was doing something wrong so I joined a dating site and met up with someone and had an affair that lasted a little over a year. Unfortunately the affair was unable to continue
:-(
The sex was fantastic but I began to fall in love... it was so good to be with someone with whom I wasn't competing all the time... we had such similar interests too... my wife and I have nothing in common and I would say that a divorce would be an excellent idea if it weren't for the fact that I have a mortgage!

If anyone out there has any idea as to how to get over this impasse please let me know-i can see no way out!

[hunky]

First time I've ever done this, so be gentle please.

Here's my situation. I'm 29 going on 30. I have been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. I love her dearly. We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same hobbies and we generally get along great.

I bet you know where this is going, or else I wouldn’t be here.

As much as some aspects of our relationship are perfect, they almost don’t make up for the parts that are really sad and pathetic.

There are TONS of issues and I don’t even know where to start.

I might as well start with the intimacy and I can fill you in on the rest as people answer and ask me questions.

Me and my fiancé haven’t made love in over 9 months now. I feel like the best years of my life are being totally wasted. I sense no desire from her what so ever and every time I mention the problem, she immediately gets defensive and lashes out at me. Saying that she’s trying her hardest to “fix” this problem. In my opinion, after 9 months, she isn’t trying very hard and I’m feeling very undesirable.

I gotta say that about 3 weeks ago, we did have a little getaway weekend and we were intimate in a nice romantic bath, but as grateful as I was for the display of affection, I basically just did all of the work and there was no penetration. We kissed, we touched, she turned around and I finished the job myself.

She thinks this was a huge milestone for her, yet has been even more cold since then.

It’s hard to even mention sex because she always responds with the old “When you pressure me it just makes me want to do it less”. Yet she’s the type that if I pretend like everything’s ok, she’ll just totally forget that a relationship is SUPPOSED to have a healthy sex life. And god forbid I’d ever sleep up and say that “I have needs”. She absolutely gets furious when men say that it’s a “need”. She’d be perfectly happy with not having sex for the rest of her life.

Anyway, like I said.. I love her very much and we are getting married next year as well as buying a house together. Should I really go through with it? Should I trust her empty promises that she is trying to fix the problem? I’m starting to think that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and that I should run, far, far away because I deserve better.

Honestly, I could stand the rest of her faults.. if she would only physically show me that she loves me.

Signed,

Desperate30

GET OUT QUICK!!
Don't SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE REGRETTING!

[Alty]

Okay, I am going to go against the grain.

Although I do agree that you shouldn't marry this girl before you resolve this issue, I also think that there is more going on here than birth control pills screwing up her libido.

I hate talking about this, and hate bringing it up, but most of you know my story anyway, so here goes.

I was molested as a child, and I was raped when I was 18, because of that I have had periods in my life where I have had absolutely no desire for sex. In the past I have gone through months, up to a year, of not wanting any intimacy with my husband. He's an understanding man, and for that I am grateful.

There have been times when I cringe when he touches me, when I pull away from him when he kisses me, when I don't even want a hug because I know where it will lead. It is my problem, and for that he shouldn't suffer, but it's not always easy to just let those feelings go and move on.

There have been times that I don't want sex at all, and do anything to avoid it, or I want sex really bad and actually end up exhausting him, and then there's the middle ground. It's the many sides of sexual abuse, and I never know when one side will take over, when the next wave will hit.

So, my point, I think that something is going on that your girlfriend isn't telling you about. I can't be sure, but her story sounds very familiar to me, except for the fact that she seems to never want sex, which isn't the case with me unless I'm having a bad spell.

Great, more info about me, should I just write a biography and get it over with? ;)

[ordinaryguy]

I believe that her attitude is one I'd expect from a sexual assault victim or incest victim. she just needs help and frankly I don't think you are in any way able to provide her with the help she needs

Preee-cisely!! She definitely needs help, but you're in no position to give it. Continuing to torture yourself in this relationship won't really help her, and will eventually result in you needing help as much or more than she does. If she won't go to couples counseling and sex therapy with you, go alone, with the objective of answering for yourself the question that Choux asked: What is your real reason for hanging onto such a frustrating and unsatisfying relationship?

[ordinaryguy]

So, my point, I think that something is going on that your girlfriend isn't telling you about. I can't be sure, but her story sounds very familiar to me, except for the fact that she seems to never want sex, which isn't the case with me unless I'm having a bad spell.

Great, more info about me, should I just write a biography and get it over with? ;)

I agree, there's something she isn't telling, either because she's afraid to deal with it, or because she's successfully repressed it and doesn't know herself.

Alty, your courage is inspiring. There's nothing quite so powerful and helpful as words spoken from the heart that are based on personal experience. Hats off to you.