[alirph]

If anyone has gone through this, you will know why I am looking for answers anywhere!

My 79 year old mother has always been jealous of any relationship I have had, where it appears to her that a person is getting closer to me than what she feels she is to me. Now I have 2 stepchildren, teens, who she feels we spoil and she can not keep her tongue quiet. Every time they are visiting(2-3 times/year) she has to be rude and ruin our fun times. Now I have refused for them to be around each other. Of course she has now spoke out and we have gone down the forbidden path of jealousy again. What can I do? How do I deal with this situation and make things better for the relationship I have with my mom. I already talk to my mom every night, see her at least once a week, and I consider her my best friend, but she can not stand my close relationships with anyone- what can I do or can I do anything? HELP!

[N0help4u]

Maybe just being blunt that if she continues to pit you and others against each other to the point that it comes down to a choice between them or her you have to go with them but you really prefer that it doesn't go that route. IF she keeps pushing it though you are not going to have any other choice. She sounds like the elderly type that feels they earned respect because of age and status and so now they can do and say whatever they want and get away with it.

[simoneaugie]

If she truly loves you, she would want you to be happy. She causes tension and unhappiness for you. Does she realize that is the ultimate effect of her jealous behavior?

[Bluerose]

You need to speak up for yourself. You are no longer a child and you must refuse to be treated like one. Once you stand up to your mother and tell her if she loves you then she would want you to be happy. If you don't get the desired response then leave her house and do the same thing each time until she gets the message that unless she allows you to live your own life she will see less and less of you. Do this for your own sake because as your mother gets older this type of behaviour can only get worse.

[inoble]

Your mother needs a hobby, something that will take up her time so that she will stop focusing on you and your stepchildren! She needs to find new and exciting things to do with her life like gardening, playing cards, shopping, etc.

[wonby1]

It seems that your mom has insecurities. If you want to get to the root of the jealousy your going to have to get to the source of it. Im sure if you look back far enough in her life you will come across an incident or incident's that fueled this insecurity. It seems that a heart to heart with mom may be necessary and a lot of reassurance. Whatever you do don't give in to the behavior by compromising your other relationships. Continue to foster your other relationships and when your with mom reassure her that she's important to you as well. Maybe setting a 1:1 time with her at a set time that both of you can stick to will help her. If you compormise your other relationships your only validating her jealousy.

[Dudleynme]

I like Wonby1's answer. It shows compassion toward both your mother and the stepchildren. It sounds like you do pay a lot of attention to her so you are a good daughter and you can be proud of that. Here's what happens when people get older. Their world gets smaller and smaller as they age. They have fewer friends, fewer activities, fewer interests. Then the people they do have in their lives become more and more important to them. Your mother is almost 80 years old. What a blessing to still have your mother at that age. At that age many people are just not able to get around, not able to drive, not able to do a lot, not able to learn as easily as when they were younger and many are just not interested in taking on new endeavors.

Maybe, on the occasions when you have the stepchildren and your mother at the same time, if the children would pay attention to your mother (maybe give her a little gift -- a flower or something -- even a rock or some craft they made or home made card) she might warm up to them and not require so much attention from you. I believe, if she feels like part of the family and feels that she fits in, your mother might react more positively. Bless you for being so good to your mother. Bless you for being a good stepmother too. I, also, am a senior citizen and not quite ready to be discarded.