[maureenh]

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I have been married for 9 years to a workaholic. I am fortunate enough to stay home and raise our kids, but I am incredibly lonely! Especially on the weekends, when it is highlighted that I am really a raising our kids alone. The past year I have found myself getting my needs met by another man (primarily emotionally) and I am falling in love with him. I am completely dependent upon my husband financially and feel selfish acting upon my own feelings when I have children that I am trying to provide stability for. But then I have also considered what exactly is best for them: to see a father figure more present and available to them? To see mom happy and fulfilled? I don't know what to do...

[glow]

I posted something right before you did. I can understand wanting to be happy but you can't sleep with another man under any terms if you are married. I know you are worried about the kids, but what do you think they would think of you, now or down the road, if they knew you slept with another man while married to their father.

[Fr_Chuck]

As a past work aholic, often it takes you leaving ( not for another man, not cheating) so if there is someone else you are close to, shut if off with them, and work on your relation with your husband, ifyou are no longer working on it, and he is not working on it, it will never get better.

So you tell him either he is home and you both go to counseling or you are hitting the road, and most likely you will have to hit the road for a short period, maybe even have to file for temp child support for the shock of how much your leaving will also cost him in the wallet.

Hopefully he will just go to counseling with you and it can help.

[fredg]

Hi,
I agree with the answer before mine.
Nine years is time to really get to know someone, and if your husband puts more attention to his job or business, then it's very hard on you. I was divorced after 7 yrs (1st marriage); now re-married for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman. Compromise is the key; and your husband isn't doing that.
I suggest seeing a Marriage Counselor, both together, or some other person to talk this out with.
If he doesn't want to, then you have to make a decision about your marriage. It happens!
Life is wonderful, and one way to make it that way is to be happy. If you are not happy, then is it really worth it? In this marriage?
Please try talking your husband into Marriage Counseling first. If that doesn't work, then you have a decision to make... whether to stay with him or not.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[talaniman]

1 cheater +1 workaholic = 2 bad for the marriage! You both should have been talking to each other years ago since your fortunate to be able to stay home and raise your kids. Maybe it would have been better for you to work so you he wouldn't have to be a workaholic and you wouldn't be lonely. I resent your trying to justify your infidelity with "your kids having a father figure" or "seeing mommy happy". Not even close to excusing your behavior.:cool: :eek:

[s_cianci]

Don't use your kids as an excuse to rationalize your own infidelity! You're a married woman and your place is with your husband, period! This man is their father and you have no right to break up their family, whether he's a "workaholic" or not. How good a role model do you really think a man who cannot respect the institution of marriage, knowing that you're a married woman, will be to your children while he is "filling your needs"? How good a role model do you think you're being to your children while keeping company with a man not your husband when you have one? Your kids need a stable family life knowing that Mom and Dad will always be there for them and it's your responsibility, and that of your husband, to provide that for them.

[menu]

I just posted a question for the first time on this site, and after reading your's it is amazing how much we have in common. I have read others comments and they are being hard on you without knowing how it is to be in this situation. And I bet there is more women in our situation that are just not willing to speak up. I do agree with the counsling, my husband and I have just started. But to get him there we had to separate a few months ago. But here is the problem I am having as well, I don't know how to let the other man go. I enjoy feeling happy again. I hope you can find answers. Because I know the pain you are going through. If you believe in God, prayer is the first place to go. Just because we have cheated on our marriage, does not mean that God is still not willing to listen. He listens and is always willing to help. Take care and good luck

[maureenh]

Thank you so much for your understanding response. Yes, it is very painful and difficult. The guilt is overwhelming. And I am ashamed to say that in spite of all of this I have a very strong faith! (some people may be asking, "how can this possibly be??") I have prayed, we have attempted marriage counseling (3 different times over the past 9 years), but my husband consistently missed our sessions due to work obligations. Our Christian counselor even shook his head at one point and told me my only hope was prayer. By contrast, this other man makes me feel so important and puts me high on his priority list- he wants to hear about my day, ask my opinions, tell me I'm beautiful - it's not easy to give up something that makes you feel so good. Sadly, my husband is fully aware of my friendship with this man, and hasn't even suspected that I have stronger feelings. (that's how little he pays attention to me and what I do) It's a powerful addiction that I'm desperate to be free from.
I guess the bottom line is, I know what the right decision to make is -but it is so incredibly hard to do.

[milliec]

First of all, I don't think you're a cheater. If you were, you wouldn't be writing here asking for help!
I think you're lonely, unhappy, lost.
The only mistake you've done is that you found a strange man's shoulder to lean on.
I f you think your marriage is hopeless, that's one thing. If, on the other hand you think you still prefer a happy relationship with your husband, that's another thing. In any case, it's safer to go to a marriage counselor to relief your suffering than finding another man.
A counselor will also help you see what you prefer to be, what are your feelings for your husband, where do you stand.
Only then you can find your way out of the situation.
Adultery is NOT the answer.
It will only make everything worst, and add more suffering to all involved.
Even to you, in the long run, and from a lot of aspects.
I think that the first thing you must do is to detach yourself from this other man and RUN to counselling.
I wish you Good Luck and to see straight.
Let us know how you are and what's going on with you.
Millie

[talaniman]

To Menu and Maureenh. While I can't say I have been in your shoes after 32 years of the ups and downs of marriage,I can say that running to the arms of another is not the answer. For whatever reasons your husbands have not fulfilled you, adultery is last on the list to solve the problem and as you both have acknowledged it causes its own problems as well. No marriage can last without that commitment to work through the many things that life sends us all through. As you both have found out if your partner is unable or unwilling to at least try to help solve these problems then your trapped in a cage you feel you didn't make. I imagine from reading post after post of men and women in this situation you both are only two of many faced with this difficult decision as to what to do. I can only advise individual counseling for both of you and hope it gives you the strength to deal with life and get some satisfaction from it. I don't agree with your decisions to cheat but I pray you find the better way of getting the peace you are seeking. :cool: :)

[Wildcat21]

First off she's definitely a cheater - lets not flower it up. YES, runnig to another guys arms is not the answer in a marriage. Ou are even ashamed of it. I want to know what your husband will think that you ran to another guys arms??

But, these two ARE not complatible. Hubby must know hoe lonely she is - he is a major jack-*** for not caring about her needs.

Have you TRIED to work on it? Will he go to counseling? Do you communicate? If not... you need to find happiness - this is no way to live. Will you be happier with out your life style, income, breaking your family??

[milliec]

Hi Wildcat!
It was hard for me to decide if I should post this letter here, or send it privately to you. I'm not sure I made the right decision, but here I am.
While I agree with you that: before making ANY decisions, one must try everything possible to improve the situation, and that this DOESN'T include adultery, I have only one remark to make.
I'm not sure what actually happened there, and how did she find herself in the situation with the other man. As I've said in my other message on this thread, she should have taken her problems to a counsellor, and NOT to a male friend. But that's already done. She wrote because she was on the edge of the abyss. Sometimes, when you shout to someone in order to warn them, they startle, and fall...
What I'm trying to say is: it doesn't help the situation to label it in a way this person would probably find unbearable.
It so happens, that a more gentle message makes the other consider other possible actions, and remove oneself from the present state.
Bye,
Millie :)

[Wildcat21]

No it does help, they need to fix things yesterday!! And her course of actions was wrong.

Counseling is key in this situation, even if by herself.

But, if it's such a bad situation, why not get out now. Sometimes I wonder if its drama or if AUnt Flo is visiting. If its so bad why not tget out.

I deal in reality, I may be blunt, but sometimes the truth hurts.

[aqua@home]

Hi,

It sounds like you are going through a very hard time. I will try to take it easy. I agree with wildcat in that it is cheating. I really would not want my husband to do this to me. I also agree with milliec in the fact that it should not have even started. This said, you need to move on and deal with the present to create a healthy future and not worry about the past. What's done is done. If you have whole-heartedly tried to fix your marriage, put 100% into it then there is nothing more you can do. If you haven't then you need to do that. All external people need to be out of your relationship. You do not need any distractions. What is important is who is in your house. This brings me to your children. Their father will always be their father no matter if they live in the same house or not. I think your using them to feel better about your outside relationship is totally wrong. That's like having children to make your marriage better. You are unfairly giving them a job. They will be all right no matter what. They do need to have a good example but don't use them as an excuse. These decisions are to be made by two adults. I come from a home where my parents should have been divorce years before they finally were and I can tell you you are not doing your children any favors by staying for them. If you and your husband have tried, truly tried in your marriage, you will know if there is hope. Adding another relationship in only complicates things. I don't know if I've answered your question or not, but I wish you the best of luck. Take care.

[menu]

Hi Maureenh
Just checking to see how you are doing? How are things with you and your marriage.

[valinors_sorrow]

When a loved one won't go for help on a shared problem, it can often spawn a need for the one complaining to go get help alone. This is a very common deal since being around someone who is making poor choices can and does affect the people who share the outcome of those poor choices.

Furthermore, at the risk of sounding harsh, its really a "money where your mouth" is kind of thing. Is it fair for anyone to expect their loved one to take it seriously while demonstrating their own resistance to seeking help by not seeking it? Or worse, flirting with the notion of infidelity?

It stands by example that those who seek help do, indeed, gain relief. It stands to reason that whoever is complaining ought to be the first to take that leap since they have identified the problem.

Please don't let excuses cloud this - it is too important for that. It is perfectly acceptable to seek a counselor because "I feel pulled into cheating on my spouse and the whole thing is making me sick".

If you are already in the care of a professional and not experiencing relief, please let them know. That isn't how it should be and warrants conversation immediately. Help is supposed to, well, help!

On that note, I am very sympathetic to how hard this can be and with the suffering in mind, I hope this helps too. Just bear in mind that while it is hard, it really is do-able (by evidence of the many who have already) and very very worthwhile to do. You are worthy of having a good life!

[Chery]

My dear, Fr_Chuck, fredg, talaniman, and s_cianci all state very strongly what you should do - and I, as a woman, agree with them.
When you marry, you promise to go through good times and bad times. You also make a commitment to be faithful. A couple should be able to talk about every problem under the sun, never lie to each other and try to solve problems together.

If your husband feels compelled to work to insure the family's financial security - you should reinforce his effort, but also help him relax and enjoy what he works for.

Some husbands do turn to workaholics to avoid situations within the family, such as no tolerance for children running around the place, or a wife who he's no longer attracted to, but if this is the case, then it should have been talked about and a mutual solution found.
It takes two people to keep the physical attraction alive, and if either one of you lost that 'feeling' - when and where has it gone?? This also is something you should have talked about.

I know that a woman can have many reasons for 'falling out of love' with a man, but men can have the same fears and doubts - and if this is not talked about because either one of you think that 'talking' won't help - you need a third person to jump in and try to salvage what you are letting get old.

You should both be able to remember what attracted you to each other in the first place, try to find a way to rekindle it and most of all - communicate with each other.

If your marriage is still 'salvageable' - please do something about it and learn to give and take together.

I hope all will work out for you. Just be fair and don't leave your husband in the dark and one day slap him in the face with divorce papers and empty house. Put yourself in his shoes for a while and look at it from another perspective.

AFTERTHOUGHT - upon reading your follow-up post.
In the other post on Apr 12th, you stated that you don't think your husband suspects how strong your feelings for the other man are - I think he does, and either feels helpless or just does not care anymore - again, he might just not want to communicate, get rejected, or has someone on the side himself.
At any rate, these are things that need clearing one way or the other - get them out of the closet and if need be, live separate lives. You CANNOT let this stay the way it is, with or without God's help. This will eventually drive you to depression, and you'll not be of any use to yourselves or the children.

This apathy has got to stop - by both of you, so talk with your husband, tell him about the other man, see what his reaction is, and even if it's negative, you'll have a base to start so that both of you can go on with your lives. Money - he'll probably not let you and the children starve, but you might have to give some things up (so what, it's only materialistic). You need to resolve this for you and the children - they know what's going on and there really is no hiding things anymore. You'll not know until you talk - your husband might already be thinking on those same lines - and he's missed some counseling, OK, so he might want to have a clean split too.

It's your choice, keep on going the way you are, don't communicate, or get it out in the open and know exactly where you stand.

All in all, we are not here to judge you, nor condemn you, but please do something for yourself by clearing this issue in your life up and go on with your life.


As Wilcat said, see a therapist on your own, get a better perspective and make a decision. Sorry about being so long here, but you and a million women like you, need to get out of the limbo-stage and go on with your lives.

[DJ 'H']

You have every right to feel the way you do- but have you communicated this to your husband? Does he even have a clue you feel this way?

You need to try and work things out with your husband for your kids sake.

My Mum divorced my dad when I was 10 and has now separated from my step-dad who I love very much and I am now 22yrs and believe me it does notget any easier.

If you cannot work things out with your husband then by all means do what you feel is right by you and your children - but you have to at least try.
Your kids will not hold anything against you if you try and things still don't work!