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tnjcap1 · Apr 10, 2006, 11:23 AM

Me and my husband have been married for 5 years and over the past few years our communiction has become non existent. I have started going to therapy for it but if I suggest him going with me or reading a book that I am reading on how to fix a marriage, he just gets pissed off. He thinks he has no problems. I am doing all I can to fix this marriage and when I let him know what the therapst recommend he says then go be with our F****** therapist( which is a women) or you can't change your communication. I told him it's like telling a alcoholic in AA that they can never stop drinking. I am putting everything I have into trying to make this work, I don't go to therapy one hour a day once a week just to give them money and do something with my day. How do you know when it's just time to walk away and proceed with a divorce. I love him very much but I can't take all the negative comments he makes and his not willing to particiapte in therapy.

CaptainForest · Apr 10, 2006, 11:35 AM

I take it there are no kids involved since you made no mention to them.

With that assumption made, it sounds like you are more than ready to leave him now.

Try a trial separation; tell him if he wants to have a chance to reconcile the marriage, he must go to therapy, etc. If he chooses not to, then perhaps it is time for you to move on.

No one should have to put up with verbal abuse like that.

tnjcap1 · Apr 10, 2006, 11:45 AM

There are 2 girls, I have a 15 year old from a previous relationship and we have 6 year old together. This is why I am trying all I can , My parents had problems but worked through them never divorced, I want to give my kids a home where both of the parents are there but if he's not willing to work on things with me then It will have to be a divorce. If we didn't have kids I would have been gone a while ago.

CaptainForest · Apr 10, 2006, 11:57 AM

2 kids….

In that case, threaten him now into therapy or you will leave him.

If he chooses not to go, then you have no choice but to leave.

If he refuses to get help, then you can't do much more.

And what kind of example is this setting for your kids? Especially the 15 year old.

When she starts dating boys (if she hasn't started already) she needs to look up to you to see how a woman should be treated by a man. Your husband does not sound like an example you wish to set for her.

fredg · Apr 11, 2006, 08:36 AM

Hi, tnj,
I was divorced after 7 yrs of marriage, then re-married now for 29 yrs. At the divorce time, we had 2 small boys, and the Divorce was the best thing for them. We had loud arguments, were not happy together, and the 5 and 6 yr old boys were beginning to say things we said to each other... not nice things! They became much happier after the Divorce.
If your husband refuses to go with you for counseling, then maybe if you contact a lawyer, and start either "Separation" or "Divorce" proceedings, he might wake up and wonder what's going on. It could be a blow to him, and he might want to go to Marriage Counseling.
If not, you would be much happier in life without him. Compromise is the key in a good marriage. If he isn't willing, then the marriage is not going to get any better.
That's my 2 cents worth, and I do wish you happiness.

talaniman · Apr 11, 2006, 11:31 AM

If there is no love, respect, communication, compromise bonding ,happiness, willing to make each other happy then there is no marriage:cool:

kp2171 · Apr 11, 2006, 01:23 PM

Sister in law had to move out of the house with the kids once, and then later throw the husband out to get him to change his ways.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of faith in his being "changed" long term.

You sound like you are trying like mad to make this work. It sounds like he is not willing to work, and you have no reason to expect his behaviour to change based on the past.

So... if his behaviour is not likely to change, can you live with it the rest of your life? A rhetorical question... you know you cannot... so how much longer are you willing to wait or is there any benefit for you to wait... such as getting yourself organized and in a position where you can leave him financially, emotionally, etc.

Your kids need you to be happy and healthy emotionally. The older child might make some noise... I don't know the situation, whether he/she understands what you are going through... teen years are such a pain sometimes... but even if it is hard on the older child, they'll come around in time when they understand what you've been through.

I never like saying its time for a divorce or separation, but it sure seems like those are the only options left since he is leaving the marriage by his actions.

The good news is you've been strong enough to seek help, you've been aware enough to know help was needed, and you've put in the effort to save a relationship. I know it doesn't feel good right now, but that means that you have what it takes to make your life better and you believe it can be better. And that's a big deal.