[busterite]

I would like to apologize for writing so much but I wouldn’t know what to keep out.

One month ago I split up with my girlfriend, with which we had been together for 3 years. The last 2.5 months have probably been the worst in my life so far. Over the last month before breaking up for the first time since I had started my new job a few months ago I was extremely busy at work, having to work until really late, weekends and generally being exhausted. It was her first month into her first job and it sounded as if she was really enjoying it. I was really happy for her because from my experience I know how intimidating a new environment can be. But little did I know! The day the piece of work I was working on finished she said she needed to talk to me. When I saw her that evening she told me that over the past two weeks, for the first time in these 3 years she had started having feelings for someone else she met at work and that she was really confused. She told me that she was too scared of losing me and that she would make the wrong decision and regret it later on and asked me to stand by her side and help her get through this. Over the next 3-4 days she was avoiding me and only once agreed to stay over after I insisted that we needed to talk. Her behavior was psychotic, one moment she was over affectionate saying how I am the love of her life and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me (things she always used to say before and that I avoided as I was to scared of discussing as we were both young, 24 and 23) and the next she seemed really lost. The morning after I saw her getting ready for work and had to go through the most painful experience. I saw how her face glowed while she was getting ready, the same way it glowed when we first started going out. I felt like being hit by a truck as I knew what was going on, she had fallen in love with someone else and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It was too late. I really insisted on seeing her again to clear things out and saw her the day after. I asked her if there was someone else and her reply was yes. I asked her if anything had happened and she told me that the night before they kissed for the first time. She also told me that she felt like she was hit by a bus, that is how sudden things had happened. Well what was I supposed to say to that? She is going out with someone else before breaking up with me and she has the nerve to tell me in my face. Anyway I decided to stay calm and gave her a letter I had written the night before, with all the things I would want to tell her but wouldn’t be able to in front of her, and also that the only thing left to do is say goodbye to her as she is not brave enough to make that decision herself. I told her that all the good memories she has are clouding her brain and not letting her make a decision and that I would not want to guilt trip anyone into staying in a relationship out of pity.

Unfortunately she contacted me the next day saying that she knew she wanted to be with me and that the other guy was just an “idea”, an excitement. At first I was quite hesitant but then decided to maintain some contact but knew I couldn’t face her yet. After 3 days her behavior was starting to get psychotic again and I decided I had to see her and clear things out as I wasn’t able to sleep, eat or focus on anything else. That night was the first time in a month that things felt right again, I felt that there was a connection and she told me she felt like she was herself again. She asked me to remember her as she was that night because she knew that in the morning she would be a different person and that she was really scared of hurting me. And she was right, the next day she was a different person, I really pushed her for answers as I couldn’t keep on going this way, not knowing where I stand. She couldn’t give any answers and started blaming me for being the way I was in an attempt to find a reason for what was going on. I told her that we need to be apart as this is hurting both of us. We both went to the same school back home, live in the same area, and have common friends but we live and work abroad in the same city. Over the next 10 days I know she came into contact with people from my surrounding to find out how I was and then right before heading back home for summer called me and told me that she wanted some of her stuff from my place. I packed all of her stuff in a suitcase and when she came to pick them up she said she wanted to talk. I tried to avoid it but she insisted. She told me she hadn’t been able to sleep for 10 days. She told me that we were perfect together and worked well together but just had a different outlook on life, and that if she had met me know things would have been different. This time round I wasn’t very understanding and told her that its best this happened now and not later as I would have more things to regret later on, and that now its time for me to move on the same way she did so fast and easy. She asked me not to hate her and try and keep this a secret from our common friends because she was afraid of what they would think of her. And that is because this is not the first time she has done something similar although never as hurtful to anyone. And this is ironic because all along our relationship she was the one saying how I would be the one that would cheat on her and leave her for someone else. I told her was that I just need to be left alone away from her.

Not a week went by and she called me again. Her father was in hospital and she wanted someone to talk to. I talked to her without bringing up anything related to us. That same evening her mum was taken to hospital because of a heart attack and she called me again. Again she needed someone to talk to and I stood there for her, but she then started analyzing where things went wrong and how back home is not the same as when I was there. I told her that I would be there for her if she ever needed my help but do not want to go into this conversation. I told her that our relationship had done its cycle and that it would be best for both of us to move on. She asked me whether that was it. Well what am I supposed to say to that? She is the one running off with some other guy!

Two weeks went by and I got a phone call from her. I decided not to answer the phone. Why does she insist on doing this to me? Doesn’t she understand I need time? Does she really think we can just be friends after all she has done to me? The immature way she treated me? The damage she has caused? Every time I get a call from her I get thrown back to day 1 and it really hurts. She caused this whole mess anyway! I know she is back in town and I am positive she is seeing this other guy so why is she insisting on messing up my life over and over again? Why does she want to keep contact with me while dating this other guy? So that she can come back to me if that doesn’t work out? I really hope she doesn’t because that would just kill me and I would end up hating myself for either decision I would make.

I just feel a bit lost here. Am I doing the right thing not answering her calls? I mean I wish none of this had happened and that we could be the way we were 2 months ago when she was telling everyone she loves me, that she hasn’t met anyone like me and that she knows she wants to be with me, but know I feel like I am being played for and that once again I have to make the mature decision. After all she has done to me why is it so hard to for me to take her out of my mind? Why can’t I let go of all the good memories and only remember the bad? How can I stop the tape of all the hurtful things she told me from playing over and over in my mind? Why do I keep blaming myself for all this going wrong? Thinking that I shouldn’t have been working so much the past month? Would it have really made any difference? I didn’t really have an option and she knew it was something temporary. I helped her through some really rough family and health issues over the past 3 years, and I did it because I really loved her, so how can she blame me for bringing her down over the past month because I was always exhausted and then blow all this in less than 2 weeks? My only explanation is that things were rocky for longer but we had decided to ignore the signs.

Having read all this I would like your advice on what is the best way to deal with this? What is the fastest way to recover from something like this? I really need to get my life back on track but I am really struggling at the moment. I go out with friends and have fun but when I am left alone again I seem to dive back to where I started from although I do feel better than that first week.

[liz28]

Leave her alone to drown in her confusion and don't let her make you part of it or make you the blame. She wa attracted to someone else and could not hold back on her temptation and looking for a way to reverse it on you instead of herself for not being able to control herself. Don't listen to this nor take any mor calls from her, let her lean on this new guy when problems happens in her life because she'll learn the grass is not always greener on the other side. Therefore, stop allowing her to come back in your life when she wants to and then leave. Your torturing yourself.

Again, your not the blame. Whenever you break-up with someone you always remember the good instead of bad times. Your mind works like that and its weird. When this happens tried to focus on something else. I doubt your work had anything to do with it because it sounds like it would have happen regardless.

In time you'll heal and the pain will go away. Be strong and do what you doing by not having contact. Hopefully she'll get the picture, otherwise,if possible, get a new number. She have no respect for what your had and she make her choice, so let her stick with it. You don't need her.

[talaniman]

It doesn't matter what she does or why she does it. The only thing that counts is what you do. Stop answering her calls, or letting her contact you at all. Disappear from her life.

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

[CageWalk]

Your story is so similar to mine, and it sucks.

Like you, I had a long term relationship with my girl (Four years and 20 days). About a month ago she started a job at Armani Xchange while at college. But the way she got ready for work, the meticulous time and effort she put into looking special tipped me off. It hurt to know that she was making herself pretty for someone else. And after the four years we'd been through it was all the more poignant.

My guess was right. I found out she had met someone else, but she tried to conceal the truth by saying he was just a friend. But since then they've seen each other a total of 6 times in 2 weeks. They met at work after she was there for 1 week. 1 week was all he needed to sweep aside her boyfriend of 4 years.

When I confronted her about it, we went on a break. She promised she wouldn't date anyone and would come back to me once she found herself. Well I don't think that's happening. She's been out with him multiple times and I know he drove her home after drinks with workmates two nights ago.

So I really know where you're coming from mate. Let us know how it works out for you. Good luck.

[busterite]

Thanks a lot for all your support. It really helps knowing that there is someone there that is going or has gone through similar situations because although I have a lot of people supporting me and I am gratefully thankful for that, I owe them big time and I don't know where I would be without them, I still feel extremely lost and lonely at the same time. I am still taking it one day at a time. I know for a fact that she will never come back and a part of me has accepted it but there is still one tiny bit of me that is just not letting go. I guess it will with time. I know she is seeing this guy (partly because we have common friends and I know she is introducing him to her circle (which is also my circle) and vice versa) and it hurts. I think it hurts more not because I would still want to be in his position, because looking back towards the end of the relationship I can see that this should have ended some time ago because all the signs that I didn't pick up on at the time were pointing towards it, but more because of the fact that she could replace me so fast. I know it is just my ego that is hurt at the moment and that is what I am trying to keep under control here. Will time be enough for that or is there anything else I can do that will help me escape this loop? Again I think I would be fine if I could completely cut off any connection and never had to see her, find out about her, hear about her or had anything to do with her but the problem is that we have the same circle and I am not willing to give up on my social life and circle just because it is hers too.

Thanks again for all your good advice which has helped me take big steps in the right direction, and without which I would have still been in day 1.

[Romefalls19]

Keep doing what you're doing, stay no contact!

[talaniman]

Who says you have to give your circle up?? Just widen it a bit.

[busterite]

Thanks guys. You are right.

I guess the thing that pisses me off is the injustice of it all. The fact that for once again she is the one that will have everything her way without caring about other peoples feelings. And I say once again because this is what she is used to. Always being the little princess that gets it all, and I knew all that but I really thought people could actually change. This is a good life lesson for me I guess and I should let things settle themselves. Ok I've said enough I think.

Anyway the main thing is that the NC is going on 3 weeks now and I haven't even once thought of breaking it and Im determined not to for a very long time to come.

[Ash123]

No contact is in breakup guide below:

It can be empowering to hold the line and not give in!
After all, it's the only card you have!

[Damo123]

The same thing happened to me I was with her for 9years 2 months, and she left me for someone else at work, 7 weeks I hung on and the pain and torture were immense, in the end I had lost over 2 stone and hardly slept, my work, and social life was deteriorating fast along with my health I was so exhausted. In the end I just said to her please let me go, I told her I loved her and always will but she was holding on to me for the wrong reasons, after I put the phone down that night I changed all my phone numbers and blocked her emails that was back in November 09 and its March 2010 now and I think about her all the time, I don't think there as 5 minutes gone by when I haven't thought of her, and for what? For all the hurt and pain she caused me, I just wish she would stop plagueing my mind, after all what sort of person just walks out of your life after 9 years for someone she hardly knew? One lesson I have learned from all this you never quite know a person when they can put you through that sort of pain! A little advice that someone said to me before I went NC. Why make a person your priority, whilst they are making you their choice! And its true walk avay with a bit of dignity knowing you have done nothing wrong, and the only thing we were guilty of was really loving someone! Baz