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Depressedandconfused · Apr 9, 2006, 09:16 AM

Hi, this is my first time posting here, and I feel a little silly about it. My wife and I have been married a little over 4 years, but we have recently had a problem. Her ex-boyfriend called her up. He had been searching for her ever since hurricane Katrina(she lived in New Orleans before). I told her how it made me feel when she talked to him on the phone, so She said they would just e-mail a couple times. He also expressed that he was hoping that she wasn't married. So, of course after a couple of e-mails, her sent her a long sappy e-mail about how she is so perfect and he misses her, and so on and so forth. Before he sent this e-mail, my wife agreed to stop communication with him. That was 3 weeks ago. They have talked about their past, and they have a unique connection between them that my wife and I don't have. He is in a band and they will be in Seattle sometime this summer. Naturally, she wants to go. I told her I would feel comfortable about it, but if I went with her, I wouldn't mind if she went. She doesn't want to go with me. She says it would be to akward, that I would bring her down. About a week ago, they started chatting and they said that they miss each other and tell each other that they still love each other. He also mentioned about how he remembered how nice her legs were. I can't take it anymore, I don't know what to do. We are in Wash State and he is in AZ. I am not worried about physical cheating, emotionally I feel I've already lost her. I've asked her if the roles were reversed, she admitted to probably feeling the same way that I do. We are going to sign up for marriage counseling, but until then I am a wreck. We have a 4 year old daughter, and I admittingly have been distant from her. She is killing our marriage and family, but doesn't seem to care. Thanks for any advice...

Wildcat21 · Apr 9, 2006, 09:28 AM

First - this NOT silly. This is pretty serious.

You're right - she already cheating

YOU MUST communicate how you feel. She MUST stop this communication. It's NOT healthy.

She SHOULD respect your feelings. You need to ask her to stop. If she doesn't OR goes behind your back, you may see really what type of person she is.

You can still love some one, but not be in love.

You also do not want to come across as needy, desperate - you WILL push her away. Tell you you love her, tell her you want this to stop and NO it's not OK - NO it's NOT harmless.

The GOOD thing is they were BROKE for a reason. She needs to remember WHY they are not together - women tend to remember the good and forget the bad.

I am guessing there must be other problems in your marriage if she is doing this. I strongly advise going to a professional counselour immediately and find out what REALLY is wrong in your marriage.

Have YOU gone soft, do you listen? Do you pay attention?

Depressedandconfused · Apr 9, 2006, 09:36 AM

Thanks for the reply. She knows exactly how I feel. She keeps saying "what are you worried about, we live 2500 miles away?" Everything is not always physical. This is emotional. ITs not that we are having problems, it's that my wife and I are different people. I am into sports and normal guy things, she is more spiritual. We don't connect on certain levels. He does connect with her on those levels. She wanst to have a link from her past, and I understand that, but she has broken my heart and does everyday she talks to him.

Wildcat21 · Apr 9, 2006, 10:29 AM

It can be just as bad or worse.

She should not have any contact with this guy.

She needs to respect your feelings.

I think you need to also work on yourself and learn to conect with her - it's really important. I know you know this.

talaniman · Apr 9, 2006, 10:44 AM

At first I thought you were a little insecure but your wife's reluctance to have you at this concert with her and the e-mails have me a little worried. If there is nothing going on there would be nothing to hide,so I think this is more than insecurity on your part. You both need to sit down and have a long talk and air both your feelings and a compromise can be reached if both parties are willing. A professional could be the best thing but in the meantime keep talking!:cool:

s_cianci · Apr 9, 2006, 11:50 AM

Seeing the counselor is a good idea. However I think you need to be a little more firm than just going to a counselor which is going to cost you many hundreds of dollars. Give her an ultimatum ; either she cease any and all further contact with the ex-boyfriend, including when his band comes to Seattle this summer, or it's over, you pack your bags and leave (or better yet throw her out of the house) and take her to court over custody of your daughter. A lot of people will probably think I'm being too harsh but you've been married for 4 years. She is married to you, not this other guy nor anyone else. She's even admitted that if the situation were reversed she wouldn't like it and I'm sure she wouldn't. She had no business entertaining any communication from this guy when it first occurred. His concern for her in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was admirable but she should have told him firmly but nicely "Thanks for your concern but I'm married now. Please don't contact me any more." Then, if he continued to try and contact her, she should have ignored it, even changing your phone number if necessary, which isn't too hard to do. Actually, if not for possible legal complications, I'd almost advise you to call this guy yourself and threaten him with something like "call my wife again and you're dead meat!" Depending on how brazen he is that just might scare him off so that he doesn't contact her any more. Unfortunately in this day and age such behavior can get you in a lot of trouble so I really can't recommend you do that, so you're just going to have to work on your wife instead. Ask her if she wants to be responsible for breaking up your home and family because, as the end of your posts says, that's exactly what she's doing.

Depressedandconfused · Apr 9, 2006, 12:24 PM

I am assuming that we are all males responding. Any females out there?I decided to show my wife the posts and I did forget to say a few things in my original post, but it still doesn't change anything though. First off, she did offer to take her brother to the concert with her, but how hard would it be for him to go off and do his own thing. Second, she did say she'd stop after a few days but said she would resent me for a very long time.. My response to that is knowing how I feel, she should have just stopped talking to him, not made me feel bad for wanting her to stop. I also wanted to clarify that she does not talk to him on the phone anymore. That was just for the first few days. Now they just talk via e-mail and in chat rooms. s_cianci, I'm not ready to go that far, thanks for the response though.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 9, 2006, 02:45 PM

1. If you do not like her "talking" "emailing" and the such, she should not.

2. This is not innocent after the first couple of emails.

3. If she was just going, she would love you to go with her and show you off, I went to my wife's high school reunion and there were several ex boyfriends there.

4. Of course she plans on cheating with this guy if she is not already.

Sorry but I would be strict and straight with her, about how you feel, if she cares for you, she will understand and not continue this relationship.

Wildcat21 · Apr 9, 2006, 08:07 PM

This is an ex she is talking with. It's weird because she ALSO forgetting why they broke in the first place - women do this - they only remember the good.

You both have a lot invested in this.

HUGE red flag that she doesn't want you to go to the concert.

jeffatl · Apr 9, 2006, 08:20 PM

Sooooooo, let me get this straight... SHE is going to resent YOU if you don't let her talk to her ex? That's some F'ed up stuff right there. Also, it doesn't matter if they are talking on the phone, text, internet or what... is not right. How old is she? How long have you been married/together? Any kids with her? WATCH YOURSELF HERE!! If you have no kids with her, don't do something silly like get her pregnant. If the tables were turned and you were doing this, she would NOT be OK with this at all. I would sit her down and have a SERIOUS talk with her. Best of luck to you, but it doesn't look good at all.

Krs · Apr 10, 2006, 12:36 AM

I would ask her - why is OK to go with her brother to the concert and not me?? Awkward! That's not a good enough answer, I'm sorry! Why is she so keen to meet up with an ex! No matter how opened minded you are or anyone is, bringing ex's into a marriage or any relationship is not healthy.

Im female.. and I would not treat my husband this way IF I respected him. I don't know your wife and what kind of relationship you have. But these emails went further than expected and emotionally she is already cheating on you and its breaking you apart and if she really cared and loved you she would have stopped NOT plan to go see his concert!

This is very serious. We all agree that what she is doing is not right. Sit her down and explain how hurt you feel due to her actions and tell her that you feel emitionally cheated on too.
Im mean, seriously, she wouldn't be keen on the idea if you started chatting to an old flame via email then plan to meet up and not invite your wife along... Come on - any adult would know what their intentions are...

Hope its goes well for you :) xx

fredg · Apr 10, 2006, 05:59 AM

Hi, Depressed,
Just so you know about my experiences, I was divorced after my 1st 7 yrs of marriage, then after 3 yrs, was married again, now for 29 yrs. I am 64.
Marriage is all about "compromise"... that's the key word. A marriage relationship grows with love, trust, compromise, caring for the other's feelings both emotionally and when physical problems, and on and on.
Your wife doesn't fit into the above!
She knows this upsets you, yet she continues to do it. That is not compromise; that is something else. Why does she have a "tie" to this other person? Why does she feel she needs to stay in touch? Why would her ex-boyfriend be calling her?
Your wife needs to realize she is married to you, and your feelings are much, much MORE important than her ex-boyfriend's.
She is putting him before you.
Another answer mentioned Marriage Counseling. I also think that is a good idea. Both you and your wife need some outside help with this, before it gets more serious. I do wish you both the best, and good luck. There is an old saying; "If a marriage makes 7 yrs, it's a good bet it will continue".

Depressedandconfused · Apr 10, 2006, 07:37 AM

I appreciate all of your posts. Thank you for your honest responses. I am going to try and set up an appt for counseling today. Thanks Again.

Depressedandconfused · Apr 10, 2006, 04:13 PM

This is depressed and confused's wife. First off you guys don't know me. I am not a bad person. Actually I am a good person. I have apologized numerous times and told him I don't mean to hurt his feelings. I have never cheated in my life and am not going to sleep with him if I went to the concert. I just wanted to hang out with a good friend from my past. If I took hubby, he would sulk the whole time and I would just feel bad and no one would have fun. I thought I deserved to have a fun time since I never do. my ex and I were friends first and share a special connection. I haven't had real friends in so long you don't even know. I miss being able to have a meaningful conversation with someone. That is why i really don't want to stop talking to him. I do love him and can't help that. He is a good person and we connect. I have no intention of hurting my family. I love them. It is hard. I can stop talking to my ex/friend and make my hubby happy, but I will be sad not to have him to talk to anymore. It's unfair to everyone. My hubby is leaving things out of his posts. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore my own feelings and be the perfect robot wife everyone wants me too. Don't judge me. Can someone understand what I am saying?

Wildcat21 · Apr 10, 2006, 04:28 PM

Well - if you loved your husband you WOULD compromise and STOP communicating with this guy. Sorry - BUT this is emotional cheating.

BOTH OF YOU need to get out of the house and do more. Make more friends, separate hobbies etc. - Your Ex can't fil lthat void.

You've added nothing so far. You sound pretty darn selfish... me, me, me.

No you're not supposed to be a robot... but obviously you have ZERO respect for your husband... get some hobbies - do something with your life.

It's cheating and you've just proved it.

When you're married you give up taking to EXs... AND they ARE EXs for a reason - you, as most women, FORGET why he was an Ex.

YOU'VE ALREADY HURT YOUR FAMILY - TOO LATE.

GET TO COUNSELING YESTERDAY!

Depressedandconfused · Apr 10, 2006, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Well - if you loved your husband you WOULD comprimise and STOP communicating with this guy. Sorry - BUT this is emotional cheating.

BOTH OF YOU need to get out of the house and do more. Make more friends, seperate hobbies etc. - Your Ex can't fil lthat void.

You've added nothing so far.

No you're not supposed to be a robot.....but obviously you have ZERO respect for your husband.....get some hobbies - do something with your life.

It's cheating and you've just proved it.

When you're married you give up taking to EXs....AND they ARE EXs for a reason - you, as most women, FORGET why he was an Ex.

YOU'VE ALREADY HURT YOUR FAMILY - TOO LATE.

GET TO COUNSELING YESTERDAY!

Listen buddy. I'm sure you've been screwed over in the past and that is your issue. I'm not the girl you think I am. Don't tell me what to do. You don't know me. Maybe you should get a hobby and stop spending all your free time in this forum. Find someone else's life to butt into.

Wildcat21 · Apr 10, 2006, 04:35 PM

I am not telling you to do anything. I am telling you what's going on here.

We were helping your husband. I can see why he's upset now - you're clueless.

You being upset shows who is right.

Again - re-read your husbands posts - you've already hurt your family. I bet you didn't even read his posts.

Depressedandconfused · Apr 10, 2006, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I am not telling you to do anything. I am telling you what's going on here.

We were helping your husband. I can see why he's upset now - you're clueless.

You being upset shows who is right.

Again - re-read your husbands posts - you've already hurt your family. I bet you didn't even read his posts.

Actually I did read them. I could have not said anything to anyone. I respect my husband enough to tell him what is going on inside of me and hope that he can care enough to listen to what I'm going through. I know I hurt his feelings, but I didn't mean to and I feel bad about that. I just wish I could have this. As for the hobby thing, I read. I have a brain and am not clueless.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 10, 2006, 05:10 PM

Sorry you seem just not to have a clue. You "can't stop talking to this other man" well if you don't soon you won't have a husband and a family to come home to. Cheating is cheating even if there is not sex, it is emotional cheating.

As far as the concert, give me a break, you are saying you can have a good time knowing your husband is packing at home to leave you for going to see this man.

You have to make some choices, you can't have two relationships going.

It appears you are not being realistic. IF you have a husband he has to come before other men, if not leave him so he can find a women who will be true to him.

Krs · Apr 11, 2006, 12:15 AM

Originally Posted by Depressedandconfused

This is depressed and confused's wife. First off you guys don't know me. I am not a bad person. Actually I am a good person. I have apologized numerous times and told him I don't mean to hurt his feelings. I have never cheated in my life and am not going to sleep with him if I went to the concert. I just wanted to hang out with a good friend from my past. If I took hubby, he would sulk the whole time and I would just feel bad and no one would have fun. I thought I deserved to have a fun time since I never do. my ex and I were friends first and share a special connection. I haven't had real friends in so long you don't even know. I miss being able to have a meaningful conversation with someone. That is why i really don't want to stop talking to him. I do love him and can't help that. He is a good person and we connect. I have no intention of hurting my family. I love them. It is hard. I can stop talking to my ex/friend and make my hubby happy, but I will be sad not to have him to talk to anymore. It's unfair to everyone. My hubby is leaving things out of his posts. I guess I'm just supposed to ignore my own feelings and be the perfect robot wife everyone wants me too. Don't judge me. Can someone understand what I am saying?

I do truly believe you need to find time and spend quality time togther.
Its true I don't know you but from what I read you seem to not care how your husband feels. Marriage is all about compromise and making each other happy together. Otherwise what is the whole point!!

Apologising on nurmerous occasions is not going to stop your man from hurting if your actions continue. Saying sorry doesn't change anything unless it all stops!
You saying you want to go to the concernt alone because your hubby would sulk all the time then why not go with another couple of friends & your husband?? Instead of going alone? You say you deserve to have fun as you never do..! That's saying something.. You should be having fun together as a couple!
To me my husband is my man, my best friend and my soul mate! We share a special connection!