[JamesCH]

I had been dating this girl for about 15 months. We seem to have been perfect for each other. We almost never got into arguments and when we did, it was over within an hour. Everything was just going perfectly, we considered marriage in the future (after college in like two years) and both had similar life goals. Over the last month or so our relationship got rocky. I am self employed and a full time college student so I did not always have the time for her that we both wanted. She starts saying that she needs to "go out" more and become more social because I was all the she had. Ever since she moved into this city for college, she has not had many friends. I agree that she needs to find some friends but what comes next shocked me.

She feels that in order for her to make friends she needs to be single. I have no problem making friends while in a relationship but oh well. Anyway, we decide that she needs a "break" in order to get a social life. About two days later we realize how much we have missed each other and end up getting back together. That lasts about a week and we get back to the same problem. She wants to be able to get friends so we go on another "break". I wouldn't even consider this time a break because we still saw each other just about every day and went on many dates. We get back together for about 4 or 5 days then the big break-up happens. She tells me that she does not want to be committed to a single person and I don't argue. I just let her go. She told me she would be coming back once she got her life together.

For the first couple days I was perfectly fine. I was enjoying my time being single, just doing my own thing. Then, I started missing her. I started calling her and we talked just as old friends. I was thinking that she might actually come back after a while. We go on for about a week but things are changing more and more by the day. When I call her now she gets mad that I am calling. The other day we hung out for a little while and ended up kissing. It was amazing, the sparks were really flying. We both ended up crying and talking about how we missed each other. I felt that maybe we kind of realized how much we needed each other. I wish that moment could have lasted longer but she had to go to work. After work that day, it was completely different. She was telling me that we should not see each other and that I should quit calling. It was like nothing happened earlier that afternoon. She tells me that she still loves me and she still wants me but I find that hard to believe if she never wants to see me or even hear from me.

The days are very hard to go by now. I am torn between either waiting for her to get her life together, or just giving up and trying to move on. I can't even go out to a club at night without getting all teared up about her. I cry about 3 or 4 times a day and it is hard to get motivated to do anything. Just cleaning up my house today I came across some old letters and just could not keep it in anymore. I want her back so bad but I just have this feeling that she is not coming back. I just wish I knew what to do.

Thanks

[talaniman]

Give yourself time to get over the emotions, and don't isolate yourself. Get busy and do things you enjoy and don't call her or write, just work on yourself.Getting over a relationship is rough, but you need to have the time to get yourself together so you can think with a clear head.There is a lot of life out there. Now would be a good time to get some!:cool:

[s_cianci]

She's obviously very ambivalent about what she wants right now. I wouldn't let myself be torn apart worrying about whether she's coming back. I know it may be hard but you've got to move on with your life with the presumption that it'll be without her. As ironic as it sounds, if you begin dating other people and doing the things you enjoy, without her, so that she realizes that you don't need her in your life you just might get her to come back to you. If she doesn't. Then you'll have made a life for yourself so that you don't need her.

[getupboy123]

I feel your pain, I have been through the same kind of thing. Tell her all this, tell her how you feel and if she comes back to you then you were meant to be together, if she doesn't then you weren't. It is going to suck and hurt so bad that you will feel like you can't take it anymore, but you can, you will make it through.

[JamesCH]

Thanks for the responses so far guys. I just wanted to post a little bit of an update.

Been one hell of a rollercoaster this weekend. This last Saturday she calls me up and has me come over for dinner. Of course I say yes and head over there. We have an awesome dinner and after we finish eating we decide on the awful idea of going out to a club together. We hang out there for about an hour, the whole time she won't go dance with me. Finally she is just like "I wanna go home" so I have no choice but to drive us back home.

The whole ride home she won't talk to me then finally when we get home she is like I am pissed, I don't want to talk, I just want to go to bed, don't talk to me, this was an awful idea, blah blah blah. I just go home and just kind of forget about the night. At around 4:30 AM my phone rings and its her. She is crying and all she can say is that she loves me and she is so sorry about tonight.

The next day I go over to her house (I still have a house key) and I make her breakfast in bed (yeah I am pitiful). We spend the rest of the day together and all is great. Today she came over to my house after work and I cooked her dinner and we watched a movie together. Was a perfect night. Everything is just how it used to be except she refuses to get physical. By physical I mean she won't even hold hands through the movie.

We are talking and hanging out pretty much like we always used to. We both still in love with each other. Here is where the confusion comes in. She still does not want to get back together because she does not want to be "commited". We both have feeling for each other but I don't see how it can go on this way. On one hand I love getting to spend time with her like we used to but on the other hand I feel like I am just a temporary fix until she finds someone she wants more. I love having her around but I don't want to be wasting my time.

Thanks for the responses so far!

[fredg]

Hi, James,
She doesn't want a "committed" relationship right now. She is telling you that.
At 64 yrs old, divorced after my first 7 yrs of marriage, and now re-married for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman, life is full of surprises.
Being in love also has it's drawbacks, especially if the other person decides they want to take a "break". It happens.
If I were in your shoes, I would have to take a break myself. I really couldn't continue being "just friends"... it hurts too much.
So, my suggestion is to not to stay in touch with her, leave her alone. Hopefully, she will change her mind later. Meantime, try meeting some new girls. Talking with others will help. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[Krs]

Treat her mean might keep her keen ;)

[talaniman]

Instead of wandering when she is going to get physical like she use to be wouldn't it be a better idea to take care of yourself and do the things you want in life to better yourself and your life. Its obvious she doesn't want a boyfriend now and is it wise to wait around for her to change her mind? Are you holding on to what you wish would happen? Is it a good idea to invest some much time on someone who doesn't feel about you as you feel about them?:cool: :confused:

[JamesCH]

I have let this situation rest for a week and a half but the more that this goes on the more I am confused. I quit talking to her for about a week, just taking some time for myself. On Monday as she was driving back in town from visiting her family she calls me and tells me how much she misses me. That night we ended up going out for dinner and just chilled really.

Today I met up with her on her lunch break at a restaurant for about thirty minutes. We had a great time and left it at that. Tonight I get a call from her that her car is dead at the parking lot of her work so I go over there and jump start her car and change her battery for her (yeah I am too nice).

Anyway I go home and a little while ago I get a phone call from her again. We talk for like a minute but then she is like we are spending too much time together, you need to let me have my space blah blah etc.

Here is where I am confused. On Sunday she is pretty much telling me she wants to get back together. Pretty much she "knew" that we would be back together. She mentioned me going to a family reunion with her in a month and I was like that's going to be a bit weird. She replied that we would prob be back together by then. I pretty much told her I wanted to take it slow and not play the rebound game. Then today all I did was help her out with her car then leave and she is saying we are spending too much time together etc.

I really don't know what to say about all this. I am really thinking that she is not emotionally stable or something. One minute she wants us back together and the next she is like get away from me. I really care about her and still love her but I am tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I wish there was a way of telling this to her without completely pissing her off. Any ideas?

[JoeCanada76]

It sounds like head games to me? Have you thought maybe she is seeing other people and maybe trying to keep it from you? That sounds screwed up to me. That is a big rollercoaster. How old is this person? I think it is time to be upfront and no footing around and get to the meat of the matter. Tell her how you feel and tell her that you do not want to be playing games, if that is what you feel she is doing with you. You know what, maybe it is time to piss her off. Be honest with her, tell her how you feel and if she does not like it let it go and try to move on. Maybe the reason she is doing this to you is because she knows you're a nice guy and a push over. Please no offence just telling you the way many people will see it. It is time for some tough loving and tell her the truth. You keep it in all the time and that is just not going to work. Let it out and give her your peace of mind. Not in a nasty way but let the truth roll, the complete truth of how you feel. Give her the hard facts. Roller coaster, games, going back and forth, got to end, no more.

Joe

[JamesCH]

We are both 20 years old even though it seems like we are still in high school the way things have been going. I called her up tonight and kind of had to lay down the law lol.

Pretty much I asked her what she wanted. Did she want me to stay around or did she just want to end it right there. I am tired of these mixxed emotions and pretty much just wanted closure. She answered that she did not know what she wanted. She said she was so miserable without me but she felt that when she was with me that there was no way for her to go out and make friends etc (which was the reason we broke up). She told me she did not know what she wanted, she just started crying and stuff there.

Honestly I am very tired of these games so I pretty much told her that I am not even going to bother with her until she figures out what she wanted. Also, I made it very clear that I was not going to cut it off and wait for her to come back. I told her that I deserved better than to have to jump through these hoops and play these games. Over the last month I have done everything that I could for her (cooked her dinner, helped her with her car, surprised her with a romantic evening) and I had not received any appreciation for it. I told her there are plenty of girls out there that would appreciate the things that I do and that I just can't take it anymore.

Maybe I was a bit harsh, maybe not. I told her that I still loved her and had feelings for her but for now I am just going to put them aside so that I can move on.

[milliec]

Hi james,
I agree with all you've done.
I think you're a great guy, and are fully entitled to be treated the way you treat her.
I didn't say "you deserve better",because she might be the girl for you, just mixed up. I have a very high appreciation for whatever you've done and said.
She needs to come to some conclusions, and she can't play with anyone's feeling, certainly not with yours.
I think you need to meet face to face and discuss there matters.
What leads her to the WRONG conclusion that she can't make friends while being your girlfriend?
Has anybody put wrong ideas in her head? And if so, for what purpose?
You don't sound like a person who won't let the other breathe, quite the contrary.
Before you do any final step - you first must have a very deep conversation with her - for your own sake
Good luck, and take good care of yourself,
Millie:)

[fredg]

HI,
I agree with the answer before this one.
She really doesn't know what she wants. How old is she?
You really need to stop all communications with her, give it a rest. Start going out with other girls, and try forgetting about her for a little while; like maybe a couple of months.
If she were really, really interested in you, she wouldn't be treating you like this.
Best of luck.

[Depressed in MO]

Sounds like she's got another dude on the side and wants to keep you around in case it doesn't work out. Maybe because it is so new with him, whenever she does not get attention from him, she comes to you and you fill that "emptiness".
I don't see any other way it could be. If you really love someone, you don't let them go, then come back, then let them go, then come back...

[Jayjay027]

I think you have done the right thing by letting her know exactly what this back and forth is doing to you.
She needs to know that you are not her comfort blanket, you are a person and she can't just pick you up whenever it is convenient to her.

Don't return her calls, don't speak to her for a while. Every time you see her, it only makes it harder for YOU!
Trust me, Im in a similar situation, and letting go of any communication is definitely the best thing for it. Even if you don't speak to her for a month, don't return her calls, don't take her out, don't sit and watch a movie with her - nothing. And after a month call her up, try to be friends, and see where it goes from there - you might not want her back then, and you 2 could have a friendship.

It is the most difficult thing you can do, I know this first hand, it is heart-breaking... and it does take time, but you have to do it for you. It doesn't sound like she's too concerned with your feelings in this situation, it sounds like she only cares about herself.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time, and I know that no contact at all probably isn't the advice you want to hear - but honestly, it's the best thing.
I hope all works out well for you.

[sweetface]

Hi James!!

I have to agree with Depressed In MO!! She is seeing someone else, and wants to keep you around just in case things don't work out with the new dude!! She is using you! When she needs an emotional punching bag!! Here you come! When she is feeling lonely, or the new guy is busy and can't pay her any attention, here she comes to you. Then when everything is cool between her and the new dude, she does not want to see you anymore, she does not want a committed relationship. Typical! Do you want to remain a punching bag!! Tell her to call the new guy if her car is broke, tell her to have him make her breakfast. I know it is hard, and sometimes you get into a relationship with a person and think that it will last forever, they would never do anything to harm you or to lie to you; but in reality, they do!! She has you right where she wants you, doing everything that she knows you will do.

[JamesCH]

I know for a fact, 100% that she does not have anyone else around. Really, I don't know why she is doing all this but I finally sat down and talked to her this morning.

We decided to take a 2 week break then meet up somewhere and make a final decision on each other. During this time we will have no communication etc.

One of the things that she mentioned is that over the last few weeks that she did not love me anymore. Why couldn't we just end it there? Guess I can't just have the simple answers that I want lol. Anyway, we are taking a few weeks off and hopefully will get some closure when this is all set and done.

Thank you guys so much for your responses.

[JoeCanada76]

Man, If she does not love you anymore. She is not going to start after a few weeks off. I am sticking to what I have said before. Time to end the end games unless that is what turns you on and keeps you going. Might sound rude, but true.

Joe

P.S.
The bit about does not love you anymore was the AXE.
Hope you finally do get closure in a few weeks but remember everything you do and say and think should be you yourself. What you think is best. I am just here giving you my opinion.

[Jayjay027]

JamesCH

Im glad you 2 were able to talk things through - the 2 week break thing is a good idea, it gives you both a chance to sort out how you feel.

During these 2 weeks, don't sit around... go out, have fun, enjoy yourself and get a taste of life without her in it.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you, best of luck.