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HannahJade · Jul 24, 2008, 08:40 PM

I'm in desperate need of advice here. I'm going to tell you my story, and PLEASE reply with help. No, I'm not a silly teenager with a ridiculous problem, I'm mature and honestly, and truthfully need advice.

9 years ago, I met a man that changed my life without a single word. We never spoke because we were too shy, but we often caught each others eyes staring and quickly looked away. He ended up moving to England, while I moved to the states. Through myspace, we started talking again, discussing our secret crushes we had for each other. We soon figured out that we were basically everything we looked for in a person and dated long distance for about 4 months. He couldn't trust me for unknown reasons, and ended it. I moved on to my current boyfriend, which has been NOTHING like the man I met 9 years ago.

We got over our differences, and became best friends. We both still deeply love each other, but there is a small catch. I'm still with my boyfriend, who lives 5 minutes from me.. and my 9-year-crush has a girlfriend that live 3000 miles from him, and he claims to love her.

I'm willing to give up everything to be back with my 9-year-crush. We could find a way to see each other, because he still lives far away. I know if I talked him into it, he would leave his girlfriend for me, but I know that's wrong. I'm in love with this man. I can never feel the feelings I have for him for anyone else, I know deep within my heart we are meant to be.

What should I do?? :confused:

Should I stay with my current boyfriend which I'm unhappy with, or try to be with my 9-year-crush?

Any advice anyone? PLEASE HELP!! :eek:

daisydew · Jul 24, 2008, 10:28 PM

I don't think you should stay in any relationship you aren't happy in.. regardless of whether there is someone else involved.

HannahJade · Jul 25, 2008, 10:56 AM

I know, it's just that I already have a future palnned with my current boyfriend. We've been together for almost 2 years, and it would be hard to just leave him because it would leave him with nothing. But, I understand where you're coming from. I know I'd be happier with the other boy. We both still have feelings for each other.. this is just killing me.

margarita_momma · Jul 25, 2008, 11:18 AM

I agree with Daisy. You should never stay in a relationship with someone if you are not happy. How would you leave him with nothing? Does he not work or have a life of his own? Anyone can get over a breakup if they actually try. If you are still in love with another man, then you are just stringing your boyfriend along. You are not giving him a chance to find someone that will love him as much as he could love them. If you believe deep down that you will be happy with this other man, FIRST end things with your current boyfriend, then pursue a relationship with the other guy. If he feels the same about you as you do for him, then things will just fall into place. Good luck.

HannahJade · Jul 25, 2008, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by margarita_momma

How would you leave him with nothing? Does he not work or have a life of his own?

He does have a life of his own, and a job. The thing is, our families are so close. They've become best friends because of our relationship and I'd feel so guilty leaving him. I know I shouldn't stay with someone if I love another, but the chances of seeing the other boy in the next couple of years is slim. I guess I'll have to see what the future brings.

ylaira · Jul 25, 2008, 05:57 PM

Aren't you are unhappy with your current BF because someone else is occupying your mind across the seas? Why not leave your current Bf (anyway you are not happy for 2 yrs) and let's see if that FIRST LOVE will really ditch his current, and sacrifice to be with you?

From there you so you'll have an answer to "complicated situation" then write us back again..

You are playing it safe that's why you just wonder.

Ash123 · Jul 25, 2008, 05:59 PM

Go for it.

You'll never get over this and see what reality is otherwise.

Good or bad.

HannahJade · Jul 25, 2008, 06:38 PM

Eek.. I do need to stop playing it safe, you are very right. The only reason I'm wondering is because I haven't gone for anything specific.

I think I need to talk to him about it, see if he's willing to make a sacrifice for me. If he is, I think I'm set. =] I'll keep you guys updated, thanks for all the help!

hjpan · Jul 25, 2008, 07:53 PM

How about stop all relationships cause you're not mature enough to handle the situation?

Seriously, you have A BOYFRIEND. HELLO! A boyfriend right here! Yet, you're SECRETLY CHATTING WITH YOUR CRUSH! Let's put your boyfriend in your shoes.

Would you feel comfortable with him talking to a bunch of hot girls who'd say "you're sexy!" or "I like you!" et cetera? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Either stop with the secret chatting with crush or drop the boyfriend or both.

Also, what is wrong with the boyfriend? If you feel desired for your crush, why do you have a boyfriend?

ylaira · Jul 25, 2008, 08:02 PM

Watch out for the blood pressure there...

Im surprised that Im not the only one who's not aware that DISAGREES are only used to correct incorrect posting, not to disagree with the advise posted.

HannahJade · Jul 25, 2008, 08:07 PM

Haha, I respect what 'hjpan' is saying, even though you should respect me enough to not call me immature. This website is for helping people, not bashing on them to make yourself feel better.

There are things wrong with my current boyfriend that I'd rather keep to myself, but I'm unhappy with it, nevertheless.

I understand all the help. Maybe some people just don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes.

talaniman · Jul 25, 2008, 08:54 PM

You will never be happy until you know for sure how this crush thing will work, and your being very unfair to the b/f, and have been for a long time. End it, and the misery.

There are no guarantees this long distance crush will work either, as 9 years is an awful long time to hold feelings that may easily be more fantasy, but that's the risk involved.

1-End this farce with the b/f.
2-See if crush is ready
3-Go from there.

If he isn't ready for what you want, have the good sense to never contact him again, and don't dare run back to the b/f.

Not to be harsh, but if your as mature as you say, you think carefully when the feelings of others are involved.

talaniman · Jul 25, 2008, 08:59 PM

Maybe some people just don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes.

Or maybe we do understand what its like to be in your shoes, but that's what mature people deal with all the time. We deal with our feelings in a realistic caring way, and don't go over the boundaries we have set for ourselves. How old are you any way as I'm curious as to the level of maturity, and coping skills you have?

HannahJade · Jul 25, 2008, 09:15 PM

I'm 23, and I don't understand how a mature person could hold a relationship for a year and a half. Please don't think I'm the only one who's at fault here. My boyfriend has been unfaithful to me twice so far. I still love him, it's just I'm scared to leave him. I never said anything inappropriate to my 9-year-crush, only that I had feelings for him. We both are mature about the situation because we know we could really hurt feelings.

Some days with my current boyfriend are blissful, and others are hell. I don't know if I can give up those blissful days yet.

hjpan · Jul 25, 2008, 09:27 PM

Originally Posted by HannahJade

I'm 23, and i don't understand how a mature person could hold a relationship for a year and a half. Please don't think I'm the only one who's at fault here. My boyfriend has been unfaithful to me twice so far. I still love him, it's just I'm scared to leave him. I never said anything inappropriate to my 9-year-crush, only that i had feelings for him. We both are mature about the situation because we know we could really hurt feelings.

Some days with my current boyfriend are blissful, and others are hell. I don't know if i can give up those blissful days yet.

There you go. You got no guts to leave cause you feel attached to him. Oh wait, you said YOU LOVE HIM. What about your crush? Do you LOVE HIM?

Anyways, you two aren't mature about the situation.

It's simple.

You have the options:
A. Stop talking with the crush and move along with your boyfriend.
B. Keep talking with the crush discretefully and move along with your boyfriend.
C. Stop talking with the crush and break up with the boyfriend.

Easy.

hjpan · Jul 25, 2008, 09:28 PM

Originally Posted by HannahJade

I'm 23, and i don't understand how a mature person could hold a relationship for a year and a half. Please don't think I'm the only one who's at fault here. My boyfriend has been unfaithful to me twice so far. I still love him, it's just I'm scared to leave him. I never said anything inappropriate to my 9-year-crush, only that i had feelings for him. We both are mature about the situation because we know we could really hurt feelings.

Some days with my current boyfriend are blissful, and others are hell. I don't know if i can give up those blissful days yet.

I'm 19 and I had a relationship for a year and four months.

I have been unfaithful once in the relationship.. it wasn't sleeping with other people...

HannahJade · Jul 25, 2008, 09:35 PM

I have never been unfaithful to any man, except for this. I have never touched him, only spoke to. I honestly don't classify that as "cheating". I know my options and thank you very much for them. As rude and disrespectful you are to me, you have helped. Thank you.

hjpan · Jul 25, 2008, 10:47 PM

Originally Posted by HannahJade

I have never been unfaithful to any man, except for this. I have never touched him, only spoke to. I honestly don't classify that as "cheating". I know my options and thank you very much for them. As rude and disrespectful you are to me, you have helped. Thank you.

I give the true meaning... either people accept or deny the criticism..

The balls/ovaries is in his/her court

N0help4u · Jul 26, 2008, 09:19 AM

I Agree with Talaniman
1-End this farce with the b/f.
2-See if crush is ready
3-Go from there.

How can you be sure that he even has a girlfriend or really loves her?
As long as you are with this guy you really aren't all that happy he could be claiming to be in a good relationship just to keep from letting his feelings get crushed.

You stay with this guy and then get married and later he dumps his girlfriend and you will feel even worse that he is free and you are married.

Ash123 · Jul 26, 2008, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by hjpan

How about stop all relationships cause you're not mature enough to handle the situation?

Seriously, you have A BOYFRIEND. HELLO! A boyfriend right here! Yet, you're SECRETLY CHATTING WITH YOUR CRUSH! Let's put your boyfriend in your shoes.

Would you feel comfortable with him talking to a bunch of hot girls who'd say "you're sexy!" or "I like you!" et cetera? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Either stop with the secret chatting with crush or drop the boyfriend or both.

Also, what is wrong with the boyfriend? If you feel desired for your crush, why do you have a boyfriend?

Clearly there is some tension on this post.

I think since neither are married a conversation can be had. Then, see reality.
No, it is not the lilly white solution, but I think some tough realities need to be seen on the posters part, and that may be by facing reality with real communication and not fantasy... myspace/cryptic emails etc.

I do not advocate TWO relationships. But, I do think they both need closure and answers. Since the man in question said he "loves" his current GF I'd guess reality will come sooner than later.
And then it will be time to move on in ONE of TWO clear directions. The fantasy aspect of this "9 year crush" is worrisome - and needs to be resolved... or counseling.