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vicsndavie · Jul 23, 2008, 06:14 AM

My first time on this site.. I thought I would ask for some much needed advice.

I have been living with my partner now for 2 years. We used to have amazing sex although this was always a chore for him. Latley though it's a quickie (3 min) in the morning sometimes before work... Anytime I mention it to him he gets annoyed saying I love you, you're the best thing ever to happen to me and I think your very sexy.. " Im sorry if I cannot satisfy you.. stuuf like this hurts because he does satisfy me very much so.. just he does not EVER make love to me.. just a quickie in the morning usually once a week. if that!! But if I try to be sexy he just shakes his head which leaves me feeling embarrassed...I know his ex relationship was just "lust" - his words. This just drives me mad! I don't know what to do.. I have done all the obvious.. (I'm bald) I try stockings and nice nightwear etc...

I know I sound a bit desperate and It may seem like I'm a nymph but please believe me I'm not.. I just miss my man.. :(

Help??

niffer1977 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:39 AM

First off, I'm so sorry for your frustration.
A lot of guys don't get the whole foreplay thing, the cuddling afterwards. It sounds like you've been leaving very strong hints as far as what you want, but have you thought about possibly writing him a letter where you can explain exactly what you miss about your lovemaking? Maybe (I now this might sound cheesy) making a coupon book or something for each of you good for a free back massage, neck nuzzling for 5 minutes, long, deep kissing for 5 minutes, etc. Guys tend to sometimes follow our lead. I know it's maddening.
I've seen some great adult board games in stores, too, that emphasize not just intercourse, but sex and plyfulness in general. They might be useful if he's openminded.
Is it possible he still has intimacy issues because of his ex and their breakup and relationship, or has he just gotten lazy? Again, I hope any of this helps- we women have to stick together :)
Best of luck!

vicsndavie · Jul 23, 2008, 06:45 AM

Thanks hun x

Eh.. I don't know what to say really he would probs just laugh. He finished his last relationship though.. I don't really know much about it apart from he thought she was "full of herself"..

letter huh? My first thought of this is it will start an argument..

niffer1977 · Jul 23, 2008, 06:54 AM

It all depends on the tone of the letter and his personality, I guess. Is couples counseling an option he might consider? Is he on any medication that might affect his libido? I wish I could be of more help :(

hollylovesbrandon · Jul 23, 2008, 07:08 AM

How about just sitting him down and saying what you feel. Tel lhim you need him to take his time and that you don't want to feel rushed when it comes to intimacy.

Heere's an example... my husband has a very addictive personality. But he gets addicted to good things (not drugs or alcohol) like video games. Well, he was playing this one video game non-stop for quite a while. I walked in and here are my exact words... "I have needs too! I need attention and I need to feel loved. I want you to f**k me right now. put down that f**king controller and come here to me. I can take care of you better than any game."

Well, we immediately started getting busy and afterward he said it was my assertiveness that he liked (I'm usually very quiet) and that he didn't mean to ignore me. He didn't even realize he was.

So, in short, maybe you should GRAB THE BULL BY THE BALLS and I do mean that literally! Just put it in his face and put your hand on his penis and then say, "what you wanna do now?" Most men won't be able to resist.

niffer1977 · Jul 23, 2008, 07:20 AM

Heere's an example... my husband has a very addictive personality. But he gets addicted to good things (not drugs or alcohol) like video games. Well, he was playing this one video game non-stop for quite a while. I walked in and here are my exact words... "I have needs too! I need attention and I need to feel loved. I want you to f**k me right now. put down that f**king controller and come here to me. I can take care of you better than any game."

Well, we immediately started getting busy and afterward he said it was my assertiveness that he liked (I'm usually very quiet) and that he didn't mean to ignore me. He didn't even realize he was.

So, in short, maybe you should GRAB THE BULL BY THE BALLS and I do mean that literally! Just put it in his face and put your hand on his penis and then say, "what you wanna do now?" Most men won't be able to resist.

My man would have an instant "O" if I was that assertive with him- I'm too passive but he loves the dirty talk and likes the idea of being dominated. I'm just too shy to get past my own insecurities. I think I may have a couple of drinks this weekend and try your approach, though- now I'm curios as to his reaction! Lol

vicsndavie · Jul 23, 2008, 07:24 AM

Ha ha.. funny I was thinking of popping out and getting a bottle of wine so when he comes in I'm tipsy... then genarlly do what you said...

What do I do then though if he still refuses?

Synnen · Jul 23, 2008, 07:47 AM

Throw the empty bottle at him and then go get the vibrator you bought while you were out, in my opinion.

Floey · Jul 23, 2008, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by vicsndavie

My first time on this site.. I thought I would ask for some much needed advice.

I have been living with my partner now for 2 years. We used to have amazing sex although this was always a chore for him. Latley tho it's a quickie (3 min) in the morning sometimes before work.... Anytime I mention it to him he gets annoyed saying I love you, your the best thing ever to happen to me and I think your very sexy.. " Im sorry if I cannot satisfy you.. stuuf like this hurts because he does satisfy me very much so.. just he does not EVER make love to me.. just a quickie in the morning usually once a week. if that!! But if I try to be sexy he just shakes his head which leaves me feeling embarrassed...I know his ex relationship was just "lust" - his words. This just drives me mad!! I dunno what to do.. I have done all the obvious.. (I'm bald) I try stockings and nice nightwear etc...

I know I sound a bit desperate and It may seem like i'm a nymph but please believe me I'm not.. I just miss my man..:(

help?????

Is he possibly experiencing side effects from medications? That could be the issue regarding his libido.

smoothy · Jul 23, 2008, 08:18 AM

You need to step back and reconsider your relationship with him. He;s not likely to change and sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. If you aren't willing to live with this forever then you might want to reconsider the relationship.

vicsndavie · Jul 23, 2008, 08:35 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

You need to step back and reconsider your relationship with him. He;s not likely to change and sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. If you aren't willing to live with this forever then you might want to reconsider the relationship.

Yup! Truth hurts.. thank you. I love him to bits though this is so the hardest parts.. How the hell do I win.. I could make a huge mistake from walking away..

smoothy · Jul 23, 2008, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by vicsndavie

yup! Truth hurts.. thank you. I love him to bits tho this is so the hardest parts.. How the hell do I win.. I could make a huge mistake from walking away..

Or you can make a bigger mistake staying in a situation you don't like. Yes it is a hard decision to make. Try talking to him again... if he won't talk about what's bothering you then suggest couples counceling. Perhaps the results of that will let you make a more informed decision. Not every person is perfect for every other person.

A good match doesn't mean everything is perfect and you will never have issues. Issues will come up but you won't have them every day. Eventually problems like that will become unbearible. Better to deal with them now than after kids come into the picture.

Choux · Jul 24, 2008, 01:57 PM

I'll share this nugget of wisdom with you. :) You know how people grow up and start on the road to peaceful happiness?

When something is going poorly in a close relationship of any kind, including a spouse or partner, a smart person asks him or herself "What am I contributing to this frustrating situation"? This requires a certain amount of self-knowledge, of course. Most people start blaming the other person for making them unhappy... some people stay married for decades all the while a wife is blaming a husband for her unhappiness!

Anyway, think over what having sex means to you at this point in your relationship as time has passed since the original high of newness. When you know, ask your partner what sex with you means to him. Just have a calm discussion in a restaurant.

If there is no chance of negotiating what you both want from your sexual life, then, time to break up, I guess.

DuBas07 · Jul 24, 2008, 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by hollylovesbrandon

how about just sitting him down and saying what you feel. tel lhim you need him to take his time and that you don't want to feel rushed when it comes to intimacy.

heere's an example...my husband has a very addictive personality. but he gets addicted to good things (not drugs or alcohol) like video games. Well, he was playing this one video game non-stop for quite a while. i walked in and here are my exact words...."I have needs too! I need attention and I need to feel loved. I want you to f**k me right now. put down that f**king controller and come here to me. I can take care of you better than any game."

Well, we immediately started gettin busy and afterward he said it was my assertiveness that he liked (i'm usually very quiet) and that he didn't mean to ignore me. He didn't even realize he was.

So, in short, maybe you should GRAB THE BULL BY THE BALLS and i do mean that literally! just put it in his face and put your hand on his penis and then say, "what you wanna do now?" Most men won't be able to resist.

That's hot.