[Ivory0921]

I am a 22 years old, a bit of a brat, and have been in a 1 year and 4 month relationship with my boyfriend. You see, he was actually my trainer here from work. At the time we had first met he was living at home with his mom, his kid, and the girl he got pregnant. I on the other hand was single and was some what loving it.

We started to date and I got to know more about him and how unhappy he was with this girl that he accidentally got pregnant. They were in a "for show" relationship and he felt very deprived from being stuck with this girl just because of their kid. He told me about their fights and how he would always walk over to is Uncle's place (which is about 4-5 houses away from his mom's house) to sleep and hang out since he could no longer stand being in the same room as her. In short he was miserable and had been contemplating leaving for quite some time. After a week he decided to leave his kid & family to be with me. He got an apartment close to my place and we decided to live in together. A lot of things happened during this time.

Days passed and we had the normal kind of relationship, we had occasional fights where in I would become so emotional that I would break it off with him - but eventually we would talk it out and things would be okay again. Overall our relationship was pretty intimate and we understood each other very well. At first he was crazy about me and whenever we would fight he would be the one to apologize.

Recently he has been indifferent with me. A couple weeks ago he had proposed for me to move back in at my Mom's place. :mad:
He said he wanted some space since he felt very suffocated from seeing and being with me 24/7. I would not allow it and told him that I love being around him and living with him -- so on.

Just this Friday I had gotten the flu and couldn't make it to work. He on the other hand was off that day and had plans which he had already told me about a week before. Instead of staying with me he still decided to go out on this so called business meeting for events planning. He texted me around 11PM to ask me if I was feeling better and to tell me that his cell phone was low on battery and not to worry if it was off. :eek:
I know him, and he is not the type to run out of battery - or the kind who forgets to charge his cell. You see, I actually have a tracker on his phone (which he knows about) so that I can tell more or less where he is when he goes out with his boys. Since he knows about it I have a hunch that he did this on purpose in order for me not to track him.

What he did of course drove me crazy so I called up a friend and asked her to accommodate me since I wasn't to sure how to get to the place he was supposedly at that night. So, yes I drove about half an hour to pick up my friend then drove another half hour further up town to where he said he would be. Upon getting there we checked all the bars and possible joints he could've been at but he was no where in sight.

The next day I confronted him and asked him what was up. He told me that he had decided to move back to his Uncle's house (about 4 houses away from his mom's house - where his ex and his son still live). He told me that he wanted to have some space and that we shouldn't communicate or see each other until next weekend. The bad thing is I feel that I was the one who put the whole moving back in at his Uncle's place into his head. :(
Remember when I said he asked if I could move back in with my Mom because he needed some alone time - privacy - space or whatever you want to call it? I was so infuriated and told him: "Then why don't we both just move back in to where we both originally came from - just so its fair?".

I kept begging for an answer on why he was doing this and asked him if he was getting back together with his ex who now (from what I hear) already has a new boyfriend. He said definitely NOT. Then I asked him if there was someone else, and he assured me there wasn't. He just said that he needed time to think; that he had a lot on his mind and that he just wanted to spend time apart. He said he missed being with his son and doing the things he used to do like going out with his boys and just hanging out with his childhood friends. Please help me understand what all of this means. I know that this can only mean one of the two things - either we are going to get back together - or we are going to break up permanently. Help... I don't understand what's going on. My number one hunch is that he probably has someone new who he isn't 100% sure about - which is why he is keeping me as a fallback, you know what I mean?

I should probably let you know that just 3 months ago I caught him texting another girl, although they had never met in person yet, I consider this as cheating. As of right now I am officially lost & confused. What should I do? :confused:

[Stunning07]

Give him what he needs it's the best thing to do...

[Ivory0921]

I know that's what I should do.. But you know that sh*tty feeling we all get because of instances like this?. I can't fight it sometimes.. Just this morning I started calling and texting him again.. I even sent him a long email saying how I missed him and telling him about all the wonderful memories we had made together. He didn't reply - I'm guessing he's trying to be all firm with his request. It's pathetic but I have one of his jackets with me at home - I sprayed his cologne on it and every time I miss him or try to get some sleep I hug his jacket and sniff it until I cry and cry then eventually fall asleep. I feel so unappreciated and taken for granted but I don't want to lose him. Why is he doing this to us? And to ME? I never cheated on him, and yes, I am guilty of nagging sometimes but all the ladies out there know its because I care.

[JBeaucaire]

That whole story is sad, from the first paragraph where he left his kid to date you... and downhill from there.

There is nothing even resembling a positive influence in that entire story. Nothing. Just sad and more sad.

Now that you two are apart from one another, I suggest starting fresh and possibly having a much more exciting and positive experience all the way around. Don't you think that would be nice?

[Ash123]

We all make mistakes.

Time to move on.

[Ivory0921]

That whole idea sounds enticing and just about right, but it isn't all that easy. You see I love him - a lot. Like a lot a lot and I really don't want to let this go. :(

[talaniman]

He wants space give it to him, especially since it seems he is TAKING it any way.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think you have much choice. Sounds to me like he is probably gone.
This whole relationship started on a really bad note. He leaves his family for you after a week and he was your trainer work. Red flags all over the place. He leaves his family a week after meeting you, he bangs your car, you sleep around and was pregnant. None of this is a good mix.
Move on girl friend. Karma is a B***h and you may be getting a taste of it.

[Ash123]

Sometimes doing the tough things in life mean you'll get rewards later.

Please look at my Breakup survival guide below... as in love as you are requires major detox..

REMEMBER: LOVE DOES NOT MAKE A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT.

Being in love with someone does not mean it's fate or the universe's plan - it means your mind and body have laid claim to something that may not be right... fight for yourself or you'll lose yourself in this - and heaven forbid repeat it again... fight. Fight. Fight. We're rooting for you.

[hjpan]

You should leave him.... he left his ex & his child for you? That's a shallow person!

[Ivory0921]

So is everyone saying that I might as well lose all hope and consider this relationship over? Thanks for all the advice and the How to Survive a Break Up literature but he said we would talk again this weekend, so I am looking forward to what he has to say. I hope that things work out for the best though. What is up with men and their space? My ex played the "space" card on me several times - I was devastated but he came back after each soul searching-time apart-thing he had. Hopefully this is the same?? ;) I asked him (my ex) about that just yesterday since we are in good terms now, he said he just had to think things through and clear his mind. I don't get it - really.

[Ash123]

ok, time for some tough love:

This may be the most important note you've received in a while.

You do NOT have good relationship instincts. You need to find a good guy and protect yourself. My guess is you plan to hang in with this relationship for many more months - and in the end he will need space - or have second thoughts. Again, just a guess but you are likely attractive but have some issues from growing up that make you accept relationships in a way that does not demand respect. You must force yourself to create a life with a true partner with real hope or it's going to be pain... pain... pain... pain... its about meeting on the same level - intelectually and emotionally. It's work to avoid guys like you are dating now... as much as that sucks.

[hjpan]

So is everyone saying that I might as well lose all hope and consider this relationship over? Thanks for all the advice and the How to Survive a Break Up literature but he said we would talk again this weekend, so I am looking forward to what he has to say. I hope that things work out for the best though. What is up with men and their space? My ex played the "space" card on me several times - I was devastated but he came back after each soul searching-time apart-thing he had. Hopefully this is the same??? ;) I asked him (my ex) about that just yesterday since we are in good terms now, he said he just had to think things thru and clear his mind. I don't get it - really.

Don't put your hopes so high and expect that you 2 will be back together.

You need to find a man who is going to be responsible for himself..

[Ivory0921]

That's always easier said than done. It is so easy to say: " Move on." & "Forget him." BUT I LOVE THIS PERSON. We had/have a life together. We had plans. I can't just turn around and date the next guy I lay eyes on. Oh how I wish it was all that easy.

[Ash123]

ok, time for some tough love:

this may be the most important note you've received in a while.

you do NOT have good relationship instincts. you need to find a good guy and protect yourself. my guess is you plan to hang in with this relationship for many more months - and in the end he will need space - or have second thoughts. again, just a guess but you are likely attractive but have some issues from growing up that make you accept relationships in a way that does not demand respect. you must force yourself to create a life with a true partner with real hope or it's gonna be pain...pain...pain....pain....its about meeting on the same level - intelectually and emotionally. it's work to avoid guys like you are dating now...as much as that sucks.

Again, I must say. You are in the fight of your life. You are attracted to men that are not good for you.

How old are you?
What do you do for a living?
Are your parents married?
What do they say?
This is serious... there are many women out there like you who become obsessed with men who will hurt them and they simply CANNOT walk away because the drama is so addictive.
What can you do?

See a counselor, protect yourself - huddle up with friends and family, go back to school, learn a trade and know you are going to SUFFER if you try to walk away, but you will suffer more if you stay. Hard to believe - and I HAVE been in your shoes - but it's the only way to come out on top and live the life you want... learn how to love guys that make our lives better and saner. Use this site, and the voices on here to stay strong!

[JBeaucaire]

It's actually VERY easy to date other people, even if you decide to hang on to your feelings for exes or "soon-to-be-exes". Dating isn't commitment. It's a meal and a movie. It's talking to a grownup who ISN'T screwing with your life/heart/emotions.

You know, normal guys. I know that may be a hard concept since your men seem to mess with you so much, but it's not normal.

Love is NOT an excuse to be blind and dumb. (I'm not calling you dumb, I'm saying beware of dumb choices in the name of love.) Love is a motivating energy to get things started. That's all. It takes ACTUAL compatibility and growth to turn love feelings into a successful future.

Plus, love bond or not, there really is a WHOLE plethora of men out there that would make your life better, not worse. You seem hell-bent on sticking it out during the dating phase until the incompatible men actually push you away. That shouldn't be necessary.

I think ASH nailed it, you're dating instincts ("my ex needed space too...I don't get it") are underdeveloped. You need to practice a lot more with many more men. Dating is easy. Loving takes almost no effort at all.

Choosing wisely in the real world when facing real facts... that's hard.

[hjpan]

That's always easier said than done. It is so easy to say: " Move on." & "Forget him." BUT I LOVE THIS PERSON. We had/have a life together. We had plans. I can't just turn around and date the next guy I lay eyes on. Oh how I wish it was all that easy.

Look at me... I was in a relationship for a year and four months...

A week prior to my university finals, my girlfriend (now ex) dumps me out of the blue

[Homegirl 50]

ok, time for some tough love:

this may be the most important note you've received in a while.

you do NOT have good relationship instincts. you need to find a good guy and protect yourself. my guess is you plan to hang in with this relationship for many more months - and in the end he will need space - or have second thoughts. again, just a guess but you are likely attractive but have some issues from growing up that make you accept relationships in a way that does not demand respect. you must force yourself to create a life with a true partner with real hope or it's gonna be pain...pain...pain....pain....its about meeting on the same level - intelectually and emotionally. it's work to avoid guys like you are dating now...as much as that sucks.

Oh goodness, this is so dead on. I don't think you read it, or maybe you chose to ignore it.
You both have issues, and you both need to grow up (apart from each other) and take ownership of the problems you have. This relationship is toxic on many levels.

[Ash123]

Him in a "for show" relationship?
You a self-confessed brat?
Was living with his mom?
You two fighting?
Looking for him in bars?
Abandoned his kids to hang out with you?
He feeling soffocated?
He texting other girls?
Faking cell calls to avoid "tracking"?


This has no chance of happiness. Zero.

Like an alcoholic you want more at all costs and you are both going to get hurt.

I am sorry. I have been there and it sucks. I know the obsession you feel. Really.

To get what you want in life you need to work hard for a good life and a good job (and if you did not grow up in a strong loving successful atmosphere it's much harder to do! It takes a RARE person)... OR suffer for years to come.

Love is blind but Ask Me Help Desk Ain't.

You need to walk away as much as it hurts and as much as you are in love because this is a disaster with no signs I can see of a happy ending.

[Ivory0921]

I feel bad enough already. Geez. I was looking for advice - not for people whom I don't know to break me down. Maybe I don't have good relationship instincts, but I know what I want and I know where I'm happy. Maybe he won't want to work it out when we see each other again this weekend, maybe he will. If he does, I'm sure we will be able to work out a compromise that will make both of us happy. Things happen, people are who they are. He has a kid who he left to be with me? So what? It doesn't mean that he loves his kid any less. And YES, maybe this seems like the worse set up or relationship you so called "Relationship Experts" have ever heard of, but this is my life, these are my issues. Its easy to stand on your high horses and judge me and put me and my past relationships down.