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sadwiife507 · Jul 20, 2008, 04:14 PM

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We have one child together. When we were first married and dating our sex life was unbelieveable. He was very in tune with my needs and took as much time as he needed for both of us to fully enjoy our imtimate times together.

I didn't know about how bad his porn use was until we got the internet at home 9 years ago. He said he would stop after we talked about it and for the past 9 years he has tried to hide it from me. The past year he has now begun to go to "friendship" sites like myspace and yearbook. He talks with women he doesn't know. It got so bad with one women he was telling her he loved her and we almost divorced over it.

Now his porn viewing has gone from looking at "blowjobs, handjobs" to BSMD and when he does want to have sex with me he is very rough and disrespectful. For the past three years he has been unable to maintain erections with me. The only way he can reach an orgasm is being rough with the sex.

If there is any forplay the deal is off all together. He tells me I need to be his "whore" ready to do what ever he wants when he wants or there will be no sex.

sadwiife507 · Jul 20, 2008, 04:26 PM

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We have one child together. When we were first married and dating our sex life was unbelieveable. He was very in tune with my needs and took as much time as he needed for both of us to fully enjoy our imtimate times together.

I didn't know about how bad his porn use was until we got the internet at home 9 years ago. He said he would stop after we talked about it and for the past 9 years he has tried to hide it from me. The past year he has now begun to go to "friendship" sites like myspace and yearbook. He talks with women he doesn't know. It got so bad with one women he was telling her he loved her and we almost divorced over it.

Now his porn viewing has gone from looking at "blowjobs, handjobs" to BSMD and when he does want to have sex with me he is very rough and disrespectful. For the past three years he has been unable to maintain erections with me. The only way he can reach an orgasm is being rough with the sex.

If there is any forplay the deal is off all together. He tells me I need to be his "whore" ready to do what ever he wants when he wants or there will be no sex. He has not actually made love to me in over two years. He will get me off with his fingers and then roll over and watch TV. After I am asleep he will go and masterbate at the computer.

He says I need to learn to like porn like he does. But I don't see how it has done either of us any good. All I see is how it has affected him and what it has done to our sexual relationship together. I've seen him change for the worse over the past 9 years. The past 4 has really changed him. Once he started looking at "hard core" stuff. (animals, bondage, volience, teen... ) I've seen some of what he looks at, and from what I've seen the women do not look like they are having fun or enjoying themselves. Most of them even look like they are drugged up on something.

I love my husband and want our lives to be good together. I've tried talking to him but he doesn't want to discuss the isssue and gets very defensive. Now I'm finding my teenage daughter posting pictures of herself in a bathing suite on her myspace page. I'm worried that one day her daddy will be "jerking" off to porn of her on the internet.

I know all of this are his issues personally to deal with and that it has nothing to do with me. It just makes me feel so undesirible and ugly. It depresses me and I don't know what to do. Having sex with him know repluses me because of the way it makes me feel and the way he treats and talks to me to excite himself.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I could say or do?

erin7799 · Jul 20, 2008, 07:16 PM

Take a stand. Throw the computer out. It's done nothing but bring hurt to you and your life with your husband. It's so easy to get addicted. I was with a porn addict for 5 years. We had a child together and not even that would stop him from watching porn in the middle of the day on the computer. I left when he would tell my son to "turn his head" when there were inappropriate things being looked at. You don't have to live this way. Some people see porn as being healthy and normal. It's pretty obvious that that's just wrong. More often than not I don't want my husband to look at another woman doing sexual things and then coming to me and using my body while he's thinking of her. And by him talking to other women, that's cheating. No matter what he or anyone else thinks. There's no good reason for a married man to be on the computer chatting with other women, exchanging pictures... nothing. No reason. I told my boyfriend when we got our computer, that if I find that he's downloading porn or chatting or any of that stuff the computer will be thrown out into the street. That's not a threat. That is a promise. Somehow you're going to have to make a decision if it doesn't end. He's got to be willing to stop or you have to be willing to leave him to wake him up to get him to stop. It's a harsh reality. But can you live the rest of your life that way?

talaniman · Jul 20, 2008, 07:24 PM

Take a stand and let him know where the line is.

sweet jane · Jul 20, 2008, 09:03 PM

Ok, I am trying my hardest to be nice.

That said, what is going on with your family>>??

Get rid of the computer. If this has been a problem for this long, why haven't you taken more drastic measures? What is he going to do? Leave you? It sounds as if he already has in most ways. Why is your daughter posting her pics online? Doesn't anyone monitor the computer usage? Calmly sit down with him and tell him that this ends---today... period.
Then, go to counseling... make that family counseling...
For some reason, your spouse and your daughter have equated love with sex/sexual acts. I don't know what led to this; I don't know why they are doing this... but who cares? It needs to stop... immediately. If he gets mad, oh well. There is really not much to save with the way things are going. Your first priority is to your daughter. If she sees/hears/knows that her father is a porn addict... and that you have let that continue for 9 years... then she will inevitably equate love with sex and she will think that the only way for men to respond to her is through provocative sexual acts/pictures/statements, etc. At the very least, you are standing up for yourself and your daughter by saying no more... at least she will know that she doesn't have to debase herself to attract a man. I wish you well, but 9 years is a long time habit which will be hard to break. Perhaps your 14 years and his love for your family and your daughter will be enough... regardless, you all need some counseling. Take care!

Synnen · Jul 21, 2008, 05:47 AM

Talking to other women the way he was is cheating.

Your husband needs counseling. If he will not get it, you should leave. No one deserves to be treated as you are being treated by this man.

smoothy · Jul 21, 2008, 06:41 AM

Get yourselves (as a couple) into therapy for the kids sake.

I'll bet there are issues in the relationshipo that have provoked this sort of behaviour from him. There usually is most of the time. Likely its been bottled up for so long it came out in this fashion. It however isn't healthy if it isn't mutual so regardless of who is at fault because you have kids get into therapy together and see what they find and how to address it.

ordinaryguy · Jul 21, 2008, 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Your husband needs counseling. If he will not get it, you should leave. No one deserves to be treated as you are being treated by this man.

There it is, plain and simple. This has gone way too far for way too long. Ultimatum time.

kp2171 · Jul 21, 2008, 08:42 AM

Its common for a couples sex life to get into a rut from time to time. Life gets in the way. We get in our own way. We become distracted. Frustrated.

But this isn't a rut. It's a sinkhole. Its swallowing up everything and he is really the only one that can fix this. Yes... even if he completely turned around and channelled his energies into your relationship, you'll have work to do as well, as rebuilding trust, opening up, and letting go of the hurt isn't going to happen overnight.

But the only thing that can turn this around is his willingness to refocus on the promises you made to each other when you married.

Counseling is the best choice. If he isn't willing to do the hard work that it takes sometimes to save a marriage you could also try "self counseling" together... tell him how serious this is (you are walking around divorce again), get a few good books on relationships like Gary Chapman's Desperate Marriages or The Five Love Languages... something you both can read through and talk about.

If he isn't willing to seek counseling or read through some books that could help, you then choose to stay and accept he isn't going to change or you leave knowing he isn't willing to work on your relationship... and I still think your (as an individual) going to counseling and your reading the books I mentioned, and others like that, can help you understand what you needed and what failed, not to mention the support you get from feeling like you aren't asking to unreasonable things in such a desperate situation.

I think both partners should be allowed some "wiggle room" in a relationship. I don't have to "approve" or like everything my mate does or likes, and she doesn't want me to be a butler who tends to her desires alone. Its fine to have places where you don't overlap. But this is so big and so disruptive, its far beyond asking you to just give a little, especially when you are getting to little in return.

Sorry you are in this place. You need structure to fix this relationship. A plan. Time to have an honest talk about where you really are and what he is willing to do. Its fine he feels shame and is upset when its brought up. The question is what does that shame compel him to do next?

Choux · Jul 21, 2008, 02:26 PM

Fourteen years is a long time in the life of a marriage... people change over time.

I think if you see your husband realistically for who he is now, you will see a guy caught in the grip of a porn addiction... what do you think?

I don't see anything good coming from having a sexual relationship with him going forward... he is too abusive. You need to have someone on your side because he is wearing you down, you need support.

Take care of yourself first. :)

smoothy · Jul 23, 2008, 05:19 AM

I don't know what it is with this "porn addiction" thing everyone is pointing fingers at these days.

99% of people that are accused of this don't have an addiction. However that has nothing to do with the real problem of him being on social networking sites, those are for people to find dates or cheap sex for the most part. That isn't porn.

Instead of people being made to own up for unacceptable behavior its been too common in the politically correct crowds to blame their behavior problems on this or that. Whatever happened to people being accountable for choices they make and for tolerance by those who seek to control every aspect of the lives of others?

erin7799 · Jul 23, 2008, 05:37 AM

You don't think you can become addicted to porn? It's like your body becomes dependent on the rush. The adrenaline rush from what you're seeing/getting caught. It's a high for some people. All the feel good receptors in your brain are put to work. There are times when it gets in the way of your whole life. It hurts other people. People lose their families over this stuff. When you "have" to have it somewhere. Do you think that someone who watches porn and makes the time to masturbate 5 times a day doesn't have a problem with it? When they are hiding it because it's so excessive they're ashamed. When there are hours and hours being spent just watching sex. That's a problem.

smoothy · Jul 23, 2008, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by erin7799

You don't think you can become addicted to porn? It's like your body becomes dependant on the rush. The adrenaline rush from what you're seeing/getting caught. It's a high for some people. All the feel good receptors in your brain are put to work. There are times when it gets in the way of your whole life. It hurts other people. People lose their families over this stuff. When you "have" to have it somewhere. Do you think that someone who watches porn and makes the time to masturbate 5 times a day doesn't have a problem with it? When they are hiding it because it's so excessive they're ashamed. When there are hours and hours being spent just watching sex. That's a problem.

You can be addicted to porn just like anything else. Fact is there are plenty of paranoid women that get their panties in a knot if their guy looks at anything or anyone.

That's a control issue.. that has nothing to do with love or anything else.

99% of people who watch porn have no addiction to it.

How about women who spend hours shopping for stuff they don't need and don't intend to buy? That's more of an addiction.

talaniman · Jul 23, 2008, 06:48 AM

Addiction is defined as behavior that is causing problems in a persons life. I think this guy qualifies big time, and they should both have counseling, either singly, or separately, to guide them through the process of helping one another, and themselves as individuals.
Most addictions are deep rooted, and have an underlying cause, that must be dealt with. Finding what it, is the key to changing it.

smoothy · Jul 23, 2008, 08:22 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Addiction is defined as behavior that is causing problems in a persons life. I think this guy qualifies big time, and they should both have counseling, either singly, or separately, to guide them thru the process of helping one another, and themselves as individuals.
Most addictions are deep rooted, and have an underlying cause, that must be dealt with. Finding what it, is the key to changing it.

I don't see any connection with porn, or excessive porn viewing.

I do see a guy that is abusive however. And that is likely acting out based on problems he percieves. Not porn related. Different issues there. As evidenced by his "friendship" sites... thats not porn and is not cool in a relationship. He is wrong doing that.

Not saying he is at all justified acting that way, because he isn't. If he has issues he should be talking about them with her. Couples counseling is in order for both parties here. Problems need to be uncovered and resolved as a couple. I'm willing to bet both parties share in some part of the blame. I doubt its completely one sided.

talaniman · Jul 23, 2008, 08:33 AM

I agree, but therein lies the problem, as he has shutdown relating, and its turned to acting out, and become abusive. The porn is but a symptom of a greater problem. I think you have to stop the abuse first, and then can search for the root cause of this behavior. Most of us need professional help for that to happen. If you have insurance, that covers that kind of help.

If not, there are pastors with this sort of training, and some addiction specialists, that have to be looked up.

Without those choices you can only refuse to put up with the behavior, even if it means leaving.

hjpan · Jul 23, 2008, 12:10 PM

He needs help. FAST.

kp2171 · Jul 23, 2008, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by sadwiife507

He tells me I need to be his "whore" ready to do what ever he wants when he wants or there will be no sex.

If I said this to my wife, ten years together, the last thing id see before I blacked out would be her shoe stepping down on my throat.

The first thing id see when I woke up would be all my crap and myself at the curb.

smoothy · Jul 24, 2008, 05:49 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

if i said this to my wife, ten years together, the last thing id see before i blacked out would be her shoe stepping down on my throat.

the first thing id see when i woke up would be all my crap and myself at the curb.

Yeah... I'd be having to sleep with one eye open and wearing chain mail underpants.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 24, 2008, 06:16 AM

sadwiife507,

My condolences to you and the sanity of your family.
As everyone implied, your husband has a problem. He is taking the pornographic fantasy world and trying to make it reality with you when in truth, porn sex and real sex between two people that love each other have NOTHING in common. Most men if not all that watch porn portray that as the way sex should be, period. It's not and it never will be. The actors in the porn films are being paid to do nasty and freaky stuff. You're husband is wrong to think that your sex life should be like the porn movies that he watches. Unless you like being called a 'whore' during or before sex then it's disrespectful and unhealthy.