[batybird]

Ok here goes, My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years, we have 2 grown children and 2 girls 16 still at home. We have always been considered what other people would call the perfect couple. WE try and go out at least once a week just the two of us, still dancing and dinners and sometimes movies. Our sex life has always been extremely important and satisfing to both of us, generally 2 -3 times a week. However in the last 2 years it has dwindled to less than once in maybe 5 weeks. My husband is a diabetic and has been for almost 49 years since he was 2. Ok yes this could be the major issue here however, he has tried the little blue pill and doesn't like any of the side effects. We have now gotten to the point that we hardly have any conversation at all anymore. There is absolutely no cuddling unless I iniate it and holding hands has gone almost completely out the window. Yes I understand we are 48 and 51 years old but the closeness we have experienced and affection all of our lives has completely gone by the way side. I am really to the point that I am tired of iniating it and pretty much have given up. He knows I am disappointed but seems to think that our 4 children and my girlfriends are enough to sustain my personal relationships. Thank god I have my girlfriends and we actively go out a couple times a week and then our 16 year olds are also my greatest joy in the entire world. I am to the point though that I am totally frustrated and infuriated with him and ready to leave as soon as our twins graduate. My husband has been my life for over 29 years and I have many male friends but never in all this time have I ever felt the need or want to have an affair or leave him.. Please help I am losisng a battle

[smokedetector]

There are other pills similar to the little blue pill that may have different side effects. Has he tried any of those?

[Synnen]

A sudden change in libido could be many things. Is he under more stress than usual? Are there money issues?

The biggest question I have is has he spoken to his doctor about this? There are many issues that could cause a drop in libido that can (and SHOULD) be treated in other ways than the little blue pill. Has he had a prostate exam? His diabetes checked to see if anything has changed? There are too many things to list them all, but the FIRST thing I suggest is that he get a complete medical checkup, and make SURE that he tells his doctor about the drop in libido.

[Choux]

Male diabetics who have had juvenile diabetes since childhood know that their days of natural sexual performance are numbered, that's just the way it is. Didn't you two discuss this health matter before you married? Diabetes damages everything on the inside of a person's body... the less it is controlled, the sooner the damage occurs.

I think you need to go separately to a therapist and discuss your feelings about the lack of a sex life. Don't make a big deal about it; just approach it as a bump in the road that needs attention.

Get help as soon as possible. :)

[batybird]

I'll try and answer all three responses, First no he hasn't tried any of the other pills, his attitude is one didn't work so why should the others. I have tried to no avail to get him to try other forms of these medications. Second Yes he did talk to his doctor and has had numerous checkups that is who prescribed the original viagra for him , but once something doesn't work his patience goes no where. As far as the stress issue, no he switched jobs relatively 2 years ago and this job is so much better for pay and responsibility. He doesn't deal with hardly any stress, meaning with family, money or personal issues because he doesn't discuss any of it. That is one of the main problems.

[batybird]

RE: Choux's question. Yes we discussed this issued well over 29 years ago. However like I stated in over 2 years our problems have come to a complete fiasco. I am sorry but lack of sex is a big deal, telling me not to make a big deal over it is fine. However in 2 years I have been as patient as I can be. I can't continue in a situation where there is no communication, affection, or sexual stimulation, I can't go to a therapist by myself when my trying to solve this on my own will not work. What happened to meeting someone halfway, my husbands theory is that you have to give 100% by both parties all of the time for a marriage to work. That is what we did for 26 years, now I am asked to keep everything inside and not show any emotion or feelings. He has done this total turnaround , and our doctor insists mentally and physically he is fine. His blood sugars are very much within the normal range, and he never misses work or has illnesses that are no very minimal. I am not perfect but please try and understand I have kept this bottled up for over 2 years and I am trying to keep it together until my daughters graduate in 2 years. I cannot destroy the only life they have ever known over my feelings, but if it wasn't for them I would probably be insane, they have very many activities and I am involved in cheerleading, softball, swimming, and coach almost all of their actvities. I have a full time 60 hour a week job, and once they leave and go to college my life cannot be just about work and no home life. I feel terrible believe me that this is what our marriage has come down too

[progunr]

He sounds a little like me in some ways.

I try my best to keep what ever the problem is, totally to myself.

I feel I do it to protect the wife, or whoever, from having to worry about it along with me.

Isn't one person worrying enough? Why should more people worry too?

I am just beginning to realize how crippling that is for my spouse.

How unfair it is to her, and to us.

She can read me like a book, she KNOWS when something isn't right, and she will ask.

I will reply, no honey, everything is fine, but she know better.

Now, not only does she know that there' some type of problem, but she is left to guess or imagine" what the problem could be.

While I'm worried about making the next mortgage payment, she thinks I must be thinking about leaving her!!

How awful that must be, I'm beginning to realize that now, and am trying my best to stop being the keeper of all problems.

It really is about learning to communicate better, and sometimes that means letting our ego down a notch or two. Us men are not very good at that.

The loss of sexual ability is a huge thing for most men, he must really be having a hard time dealing with it. I know how uncomfortable it can be to not be able to preform as you used to or want to, it is devastating.

While the little pills are a help, they tend to make it like a scheduled activity instead of a spontaneous sharing of love and intimacy. If he feels he may have problems in that area, he will probably just avoid those situations rather than to deal with them.

I agree with Choux, (I hate it when that happens) LOL.

You both might benefit from some counseling, separate or together, maybe even a little of both.

Problem is, you both need to agree and accept that it might help. If he feels he's being pushed towards it, he will probably reject or rebel against it.

Yeah, it is an ego thing.

[Choux]

Dear bb,

You need someone to talk to about *your feelings* that are bottled up. A therapist is the best kind of person to talk to. You have to sort this all out for your own peace of mind. :)

You will only drive him further away if you make infuse your anger into your conversations.

I just don't want you to make the situation worse.

[kp2171]

I can't tell you what's right or wrong for you. Or for him.

Issues with ED can be tied to one big issue, or many issues whose sum take you to the same place.

Would you say that were he still intimate and connected to you sensually... that is even if life in the bedroom isn't all you dream it to be, you still have his focus, his attention, his desire, and his reaching out for you... that things would be better, even if not great?

He doesn't get a free ride here, but he has some real issues that can cause ED. I had a unique relationship with my grandfather, as my parents and I were born to young parents... meaning the generation gap between us was much more compressed. He was a young grandfather.

So as I matured, and as he was my father figure in reality, I learned much from him, including about sex. I also understand how devastating diabetes and other common issues tied to it, such as vascular problems, can turn a vibrant, charismatic man into much "less" than what he once was. The loss of his ability to perform sexually, I believe, contributed to his overall mental health and "early" death. It wasn't the cause, but I believe it (depression and frustration) expediated the event.

So... I have some empathy for what he might be experiencing. Hell, I can tell you the steel piercing hard ons that I had at 16 were WASTED. Sure I can still perform, but there are changes I've noticed. Some men do. Some lucky ones don't. One man a few months back wrote in here begging for a way to drop his sensitivity because it hadn't changed one iota in decades and was becoming as big a problem in his life as the lack of sex is in yours.

So... he deserves a break to some degree, in my opinion. We get no guarantees when we marry that our bodies will perform lock in step with our partner in the short or long term.

That said... he doesn't get a free ride. The performance anxiety and even depression that can accompany even moderate drops in performance can suddenly shove it into place that is much more pronounced and debilitating. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't be working on what he can fix.

Having been through a spot of depression myself, I know how it can kill libido... and I know I had the ability to seek help.

The things he should be doing... exercising regularly. A study of obese men with ED issues showed a significant % showed improvement with just regular exercise. It should be a part of his daily life, with doctors consent.

Also, its not always true that ED drugs will work for all, even those who are interested, just nonresponsive... but the next thing he should tackle is any mental hangups. ED drugs won't increase your libido and won't make you connect to your partner sensually. He might very well still desire you but feel like he is a constant failure so "better" to avoid the subject than to risk yet another time disappointing you.

That isn't noble. Is isn't satisfactory to either of you. It isn't reason for you to give him an infinite number of chances. It isn't reason for you to just accept it. He has work to do. Though conseling and/or through your communication to him... he has work to do. He needs to own this... and you've been reasonably frustrated by his lack of action here. I have empathy for you in this place. You've been doing the hard mental lifting and he's been shutting things out, as men often do. You deserve more, and he should demand more from himself.

I cannot define where the line is between accepting what might be an eventuality (the loss of performance). Is a man who experiences ED issues any different than a woman who experiences dryness and loss of libido through perimenopause and menopause? In both cases I think the person and the spouse, if they intend to honor their vows, owe it to each other to find middle ground.

So... would it be "enough" were he attentive, playful, and connected... even if sex was not what you hoped it would be... if he was willing to give oral to completion or extra stimulation performed on you while you self stimulated and he was more connected to you through casual and sensual touch... would that be enough for you?

If your answer is "no"... I don't see much future here without some monumental change in his performance or what you'd accept.

If your answer is "yes"... that might be enough to feel the love of the man you married carried through intention, even if not performance, then you both have work to do.

[smoothy]

At his age with those problems and married that many years options might be limited. That little blue pill can kill a guy even easier than make him sport a stiffy if he has the wrong medical conditions. He should see a physician again and see if there are issues or any treatments that might be applicable.

Then like has been mentioned there is the physcological end of things... stress and not just work stress. There is a lot of things that can be at play here. Its important to know that no life threatening conditions have cropped up.

[batybird]

In response to KP2171: Yes that would definitely be enough if there was other forms of communication, You have to remember that I've been married for well over 28 years, I know that nothing is perfect and that it takes two people working continually to keep a marriage in tact. I would simply be happy with 25% of the talking and closeness( not so much sex) as hand holding and embracing that we even had 2 years ago. Right now if I get a simple hello or our teenagers were talked to that would be a start. You have to understand that any conversation that is started or any communication is only iniated by me or our kids. They have lived with two parents who truly have been the ideal couple for about 25 years, and even our children are at a loss for what has happened to their father. I have suggested counseling, and more doctors appointments, only to be greeted with our marriage is perfect why would you want to change it. I'm not sure what rose colored glasses he has been wearing.

[batybird]

In response to Progunr: your response was wonderful seriously, However he doesn't have the stress of any of the bills or daily worries. He leaves all that completely up to me , I have unforunately done that the majority of our married life. He did take over the checkbook a few years back when I constantly complained that this should be a joint effort. I seriously got tired of hearing myself complain and started doing it again myself. He doesn't want any of that responsibility. If I lightly drop hints about whether he would prefer doing it this way or that, he just gives me the answer of " You've been doing it this far so good so why change a good thing" Unfortunately it is his good thing, since I have 90% of the responbility and all of the worry. Our twin daughters age 16 don't even try and ask him for permission to do anything, his response is check with your mom. If I am at work, like at 6am before they leave for school and he is still with them until 7am they still call me because he will not solve even the simpliest of problems.

You have my applause because you understand your mistakes and are trying to correct them, your wife is a very lucky individual. You can quote that to her if you would like. Good luck in trying to make it right. That is half the battle. If he would meet me 1/3 of the way I could live with that. Thanks guys ( and girls) for helping me and answering I look forward to hearing more

[kp2171]

Thanks for coming back and giving feedback. Some people post and disappear, and its nice to know our efforts to help are being heard and thought about, even if this is really all about you and your concerns.

Well I asked the questions I asked because I thought this might be the case... that you need an intimate connection with this man, and sex is one of many ways he could engage you and show it. You are missing sensuality, which can overlap, but not necessarily mean, sexuality.

So you are roommates now. I have an aunt who is very much in your same position. Her two boys are just now out of the house, and the years in which she thought shed be living life as a married couple after 20 years of kids in the home, she finds that he really has no interest in doing things "together"... they did things together before because the events we kid centered. Games, school, etc. now that its an empty nest, he's fine puttering in the garage alone. Fine if she wants to leave town and visit places as long as she doesn't demand his presence.

Not the same, but still... roommates at best.

If he refuses counseling (which he does) and you wish to wait things out, what do you think about a separation? I know with the hurt and frustration you might be ready to throw your hands in the air and waste no more time... just a question.

I wonder what's changed in the last two years? Any friends who have passed? Who have left their wives?

Sorry you are in this place. Wish hed open up more and at least talk about where his mind is.

[abbymimi]

Have you asked him if there is someone else? Be sure there is no affair going on. If he refuses counseling, go for yourself. It works miracles. Sorry you're so sad.

[batybird]

Abbymimi:I sort of wish there was someone else that I could blame besides him. However no there is definitely not someone else. He doesn't leave the house unless it's with me or the kids. He calls if he is going to be even 5 minutes late, and he only goes to an all guy environment at work. Believe me when I say no other women ( or man ) would put up with his lack of communication or affection. He really has no male or female friends unless they are my friend's husbands or work related guys and he only works with about 5 other men. If he would get involved with a few friends I would be greatly relieved and know he's starting to return to the normal loving guy I married

[batybird]

In response to kp2171: I know a separation is probably a good choice, however right now I also have to daughters that are juniors this year to consider. My life right now revolves around them and my friends. However I know they see the change and also their dad isn't relating to them either. I'm just not sure that a separation would be in their best interests right now, by uprooting them from our home, where we have lots of entertaining of friends right now over the summer months, and take away their privleges of separate rooms and all the extras that go with it. He would never move out and let the girls and our son live in the house. I know it makes me sound Like I am being selfish for their sake, but we live in a small community where housing in our school district is at a very minimal. Our one daughter is on the variety squad for cheer and she has worked hard to become captain, so then I don't know if I could forgive myself for making complete changes that would directly affect them. I have to find a happy medium for right now, at least until they go off to college in about 20 months. God that seems like a lifetime to live like I have be living, but I don't see any alternative . Don'[t get me wrong, I am very unhappy, but to disrupt my daughters lives is something I may not be able to live with myself over. I wish my moral values sometimes weren't so strong, because an affair is something I can't even consider. I've got to keep my head I guess to the grindstone and beating a dead horse. I certainly can't beat any sense into him right now. Keep talking, I enjoy the conversation.. thanks again really

[kp2171]

I know a separation is probably a good choice, however right now I also have to daughters that are juniors this year to consider...

you don't have to explain it too much to me. Both my wife and I made deliberate sacrifices to be present in my step daughters life when she was in HS. It is a time when they sometimes don't want anything to do with you, but when they need you or want you it is NOW that they need you. The things we sacrificed were well worth being present and available in her life.

it's a fine line to walk, what you are willing to do for your child's well being and what you need to do for yours... I usually say a responsible parent will make proper decisions that the child may not like, but will be good in the long run, even if its uncomfortable. But in this case its really not too tough of an argument... time is short with them as juniors, and senior year is gone in a breath. And you staying also gives him a chance to do the right thing... and that's all a person can expect. The opportunity to do what is right. If he doesn't take it, he cannot blame the distance on anyone but himself.

just don't put it (a separation or whatever the next big move is) off for them and then decide, as they transition into the next phase, which might mean college or not, that you should still stay to give them stability during that phase.

something you might be able to do in the meantime is begin to work through this by perhaps some reading. Check out gary chapman's The Five Love Languages. It talks about how couples can sometimes be expressing affection in ways that are completely missed...

for ex, there was a time when all my wife wanted when she got home from work was a little time of quiet, and then a little time with me, even if she didn't want a lot of small talk. More like decompression time. On my side, I saw this time, during which my little one wants mommy's attention, as prime time to get the house picked up, dinner made or cleaned up, lots of tasks. I tried to make her mind peaceful by taking care of chores, as clutter can make her unsettled.

she was craving what chapman would call simply Quality time (most of us know what that means) and I was showing her affection through Acts of Service.

then later, when I wanted intimate touch (and I'm talking much more about being next to each other, holding hands, connection physically but not through sex) she was so tired that wed completely miss each other. Each felt the other was not being attentive in some way, when our intentions were just fine... just different expressions, different "dialects" that got lost in translation.

maybe it'll help you see what's going on with him. Maybe if you read it and leave it out he would glance through it. Chapman also has a book I haven't read called The Five Love Languages of Teenagers. Another book I haven't read but was curious to peek at is his book called Desperate Marriages... not that I think I'm in one, but understanding the common problems of a relationship can keep you from getting there in the first place, or help you get out quicker. His stuff is simple to read, so ill probably read more of it. Hopefully its not just rehashing throughout the different books.

in the below link you can search under the books button for topics
Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages: Books About Marriage

[batybird]

KP: I completely agree with your answer, staying in a marriage should not depend primarily on our two 16 year olds, I totally feel that once they go off to college which they both plan on doing. One to Berkley in California and the other close by at a state college, ( they are both excellent students thank god) then not only will I not have any communication on my homefront from my husband, I will be feeling the loss of both of the girls. That should definitely put me into a situation that will be the time for me. I have waited and taken care of them completely up to that point and will continue to be their support station. But in the same point, it may well be my turn, all four of our children will have left for lives and their own needs, and finally it will be my chance to figure out what I really need.
I will definitely check out all three of those books, I plan on getting at least one to start today. Hey I'm willing to try anything and my roommate status here is still the same.
Last evening the girls celebrated their 16th birthday with a huge pool bash, dj and bonfire, we have well over 60 teenagers around. My 21 year old son and his girlfriend, my mother and I were the chaperones, needless to say my husband never took part in any of the festivities except finally to come out and sing Happy Birthday when the time came. He was too interested in the noise level and how many people were in the pool. These girls are only 16 once and this was an important evening for them. I just wish he would realize how MUCH he is missing out on. Even friends of our came over and he stayed down stairs watching TV and loading bullets. Such a waste.

Kp stay in touch and thanks again for everything

[Ash123]

Hold on here.

A separation??!!

you said you had a good marriage for 27 years right? plenty of intimacy and communication? healthy kids and a good sex life?

Whoa - This is likely a solvable problem. It's only been 2 of 27....

So, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. He is obviously depressed. The good news is you have a great foundation to work from. MANY MARRIAGES DO NOT! REALLY.
(THEY ARE LONG SLOGS WITH NO PASSION)

Your husband has lost his vitality and needs to feel like a man and loved unconditionally it appears. He may need an anti-depressant like selexa (sp?) for a while (though anti-dep's can inhibit libido too), and they require a therapist to recommend. And you all could use a little couple's therapy! It's sad when marriages take a turn, but every marriage has a challenging spell and this is yours.

Whether it's pills or therapy or dealing with diabetes... **Make sure you keep talking - even if you have to go away on a vacation that excites you both - to do it....

And realize you can get this thing back on track. I am sure you miss the man you love... I hope you can get him back - even if it's a little different than it used to be - one day soon.

[batybird]

Ash 123 First of all thank you for you answer. Let me say though that yes for primarily 27 years we have had a very good marriage, we had many bumps and mountains to climb raising 4 children, 1 of which is married with her own, 1 fresh out of college. We lost our home 12 years ago to fire, and nursed one child through a life threating illness, emplyment woes for him.Yes he have a lot of history together, but I have always stood by him, through thick and thin, when push came to shove I always gave everything my 100%< I supported him through many problems, emotionally he was not always there for me. His strong point never was communication, we talked but never for long periods. So I am used to minimal talking, but now it has decreased to nothing. I am not throwing in the towel just now, I have to wait and bide my time.

What I should say is that my husband doesn't see any problem, he would tell everyone and anyone what a great marriage he has. On his side yes he does, the kids are terrific and I take his hand whenever I can and hold it, I am a very touchy feely kind of person. I have always initiated the closeness and affection but after awhile I have gotten to the point where I am just plain tired of being the only one. Believe me when I tell you that when we got married, I didn't want the kind of marriages other people had, when they were together after 50 years I wanted to still be holding hands, and still be friends and lovers. My husband knew this one wish from the get go, a few years back he said you knew the type of person he was when I married him and that those were not his good points. Fine, but now what is his good points, not talk , no affection, no holding, and no time with any of our children or friends. I have company here almost every other day, because if I didn't I would have no ways of expressing myself, our kids and their husbands, girlfriends and friends are usually all here for dinner at least 2 times a week, I spend one evening out with my girlfriends a week, for companion and adult conversation.He doesn't need any of that, he will tell you he doesn't need people. I have tried to convince him to go to counseling , or talk to his doctor, his answer is why fix something that isn't broke.
I hope you don't think that I have quit needlessly, I have given my entire being to this man and my children. If you knew my kids you would see what wonderful human beings they are. They constantly tell people they love them and hug and kiss all the time with their friends and family, no drugs, no swearing and no problems. I have raised 4 children by loving them to the fullest extent possible, they will tell you their dad has always been there for them, just not emotionally sometimes. Now he won't even take the time to enjoy any of them. Life is very empty with him, and I can't play mediator and mender for the remainder of my life. Yes I love him, but at what price. That's my problem I know right now, and I appreciate any feedback , thanks again