[MediaGuru28]

Let me set the scene: I am a 28year old, very attractive girl. I have a great job and, overall, a pretty fantastic life - I would even go so far as to say 'enviable' by most standards. I am engaged to be married. My fiancé is the most kind and special person one could ever hope to meet and after almost five years of being together we are closer than ever. We are very open and affectionate with each other, share the same views on life and people, aspire to the same things - namely to being good people and once we're married, to start a family and 'settle down'. We have a good social life and both have families that love us. Although, at the moment he is having a few issues with them as they are very demanding of his time and emotion and his father who conquered his particuliar industry and is top of his game in the UK market, is no doubt a tad intimidating as doing as well as him, is virtually impossible. His mother can be overbearing and his sister seems to want his demise - whether sibling rivalry or an evil personality - I'm not sure, but that must weigh on him as he recognises it. He is a someone who seems to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders despite the fact that our life is wonderful in so many ways and when I try to 'de-stress' him I feel as though I'm fighting a losing battle. He has put on a bit of weight over the last year and I know he is aware of it but he is still the most handsome man around and if ever I forget that the female appreciation of him when we are out is a quick reminder.
The problem: he doesn't want sex.
Our sex life rapidly declined after I moved in with him three and a half years ago. I can now say that foreplay is a concept unbeknown to me and something I can only dream of, and as for oral sex (him on me), I have never experienced it. Even his touch is impatient and lacking in anything even resembling being turned on so I know that he is not enjoying the experience which in turn makes me wonder... why... is it me... what's wrong with him?? We have sex approx once a month and I he has not made me climax for almost two years. I have asked him in every different way - I have casually raised it, more openly, asked, cajouled and finally, pleaded, begged, shouted, cried. So now as I write this at 7am on a Saturday morning (!) after having been shunned yet again, I feel totally lost. Am I destined to a life devoid of a sexual proximity that ultimately is the only point of difference between a couple and two very close friends?
I think another thing I should mention is all through his twenties (he is now in his early 30s) and now sporadically, he partied hard and took substantial amounts of cocaine and in fact he still drinks an average of 12pints of beer a week, for whatever that's worth.
I would hugely appreciate any help, because I am marrying this man and don't know what to do, who to turn to, or what approach is left to try. I have asked him to attend couselling with me but he refuses. I don't want to stray ever, he is my love and my soulmate, but I am a young woman and I don't know if I am going to be able to turn down advances made by other men if he continues to spurn me. But leaving him is not even an option as I never will. I have even wondered if he is gay because it cannot be me! But there is NO other sign at all and so I am praying he isn't. I have asked him a few times and he insists that I am being ridiculous and he is the most 'un-gay' person he knows.
I apologise profusely for the sheer length of this plea for help - any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you x

[simoneaugie]

If you do stay with him, you may need to accept that the current pattern will be the norm until death do you part. I once divorced mainly due to a lack of sex. People don't improve with marriage, they generally get "worse."

[Choux]

You have been together so long that you are like an old married couple now. One thing that happens after we know each other for a long time is that we are acclimated to that person, there is no mystery... just real life. :) You have to know that the man you marry is not going to change much from the guy he is today.

I would suggest that you work on your sexuality... go to classes in a large city on how to increase your orgasmic potential. In addition, it would be very helpful to take lessons on how to be married... that is, learn to be positive, never complaining or blaming, how to cooperate toward common goals, how to be your own person... that sort of thing.

[hjpan]

You probably don't understand the concept that maybe your fiance has some issues to take care of and cannot relax. Another is he's used to just having sex once a while.

[smoothy]

From personal experience barring a medical issue there should be no issue with over familiarity as far as his drive goes. Maybe I'm just exceptionally lucky me and my wife both have the right level of being adventureous that we keep things interesting and very regular even after 17 years of marriage. Or maybe we both just have a naturally high drive. Maybe its both.


Stress, and work can suppress it as well as a host of medical issues. Hope he gets checked regularly so he doesn't wake up dead one morning from something he didn't know was wrong. Lake of drive or inabillaty is symptomatic of a range of issues that can be serious if untreated.