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    Dreams of lies's Avatar
    Dreams of lies Posts: 49, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
    		  
    #1

    Jul 18, 2008, 04:04 PM
    How could I make this sound more better?
    I wrote this for someone and it sounds off some how so please help, I could I make it sound more better then it is or inprove it more?


    Solder Can't Hesitate With Each Day that passes,
    Nothing even Death, will overcome them or Even take our Men's lives and sprits,
    And Nothing can stop them, from coming home to the ones they love
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
    Vision Expert
    		  
    #2

    Jul 18, 2008, 10:56 PM
    1. "more better" isn't proper grammar. It's just "better".

    Soldier couldn't hesitate with each passing day,
    Nothing, not even death, they will not overcome
    Not even take our men's lives and spirits,
    And nothing can stop them, from coming home to the ones they love.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
    Uber Member
    		  
    #3

    Jul 19, 2008, 12:23 AM
    And, here is another revision for you. I hope that you like it and that it is close to what you are trying to communicate. I was trying to figure out what you were trying to convey as far as the meaning. That's why I added the extra words. If adding them is not helpful to you in conveying what you are trying to communicate, then I do apologize.

    Solders can't hesitate with each day that passes,
    For the road is long and hard for them,
    Being always on guard and ever watchful of their backs...

    Nothing, not even death, will overcome them
    Or overtake their spirits and will to live.
    And, nothing can stop them from coming home to the ones they love!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
    Uber Member
    		  
    #4

    Jul 19, 2008, 04:21 AM
    simoneaugie agrees: Awesome, Clough.
    ChihuahuaMomma agrees: Much better than mine, I'm not a writer, I mostly corrected SOME grammar, and spelling.
    Hey, thanks! I gave it my best shot! That was mighty nice of you both with the positive comments! But, we will have to see what Dreams of lies thinks...
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