[Trueloveismydog]

Well, I have already asked a question similar to this one but I think I was asking the wrong question, so here is my different approach.

I dated someone for awhile, a little over 2 years, great in the beginning but this past January it went down hill quickly. He started lying, he stopped helping with the bills to the point I had to rent out the house we had lived in. We quit talking for a bit and it was very tough on me because I knew under different curcumstances we were amazing! I came to this site for advice back then and read all the stuff to keep your mind off a break up, and I have come a long way. I took up hobbies... started salsa dancing, got in touch with old friends, went back to school to finish my nursing degree and have spent much more time with my family. Now he is back wanting to see how things are, he has cleaned up his act, took care of all the things I had problems with in the past, etc. More than anything he contacted me to start helping out with all the bills we had created together, he has already sent me quite a bit! Then he asked where we were, if we still had a chance. So herein lies the problem, I was just getting ready to spread my wings and fly for lack of a better expression. I have this whole new life I have come to really like and look forward to, I am afraid if him and I try again that I will have to give it up, I know I will! See I am 23 he is 27, he has a three year old son. I am not ready to settle down I want to go out and live now, and if we get back together there it all goes! But don't get me wrong, I adore him and his son, so do I throw away any chance we ever had and continue on with my new life, try again with him and see where it goes or is there a happy compromise I am overlooking.

How do I tell him?

[JBeaucaire]

Option #1 - just tell him using the same words you used above to describe it to us. "I am not ready to settle down. I want to go out and be free right now."

That's the honest, recommended approach. However, it may cost you his willingness ot continue making good on his financial commitments to you. It's a risk.

Option #2 - tell him you're thinking about it. You're willing to go out with him again, but not exclusively. This is at least half-honest. You CAN see him occasionally, though usually when he calls to ask you out you should try to already be busy with other plans, but occasionally you could do something.

Truth is, guys only change when they are self-motivated. He lost you over his behaviors, and that's a very motivating loss. Usually, for the change to stick, the LOSS has to stick, too. I'm just saying. If you take him back there is a risk he will unlearn his improvements... in which case you both lose.

Option #3 - give him another shot. Risk it dating him exclusively. But make it clear you have high expectations of him. He is courting you all over again and he gets no leeway for previous time spent with you. It's a clean slate. But you are watching and will give it your all, but less than his best will be spotted quickly and this time you won't stick around a long time waiting for it to all fall apart... this time you'll end it cleanly and quickly when he starts his old ways again.

Good luck on #3, feels like a loser to me.

[talaniman]

Is there a real big hurry to jump back into the past? Hey, you worked hard to build what you have, and you should explore it, so be honest with yourself, as to what you want first.

He did blow his best chance, so why give up your future on maybe it will be better?