[Lacrimosa]

Hello there.
I have a relationship for 2 years. At first, as happens with most people, we were very active sexually, 6-7 months later until now, we have sex once or two a week.
My problem concerns to the taste of insecure that I have about myself, because of the expectations he expresses that he has from a woman. To be more specific: I have discovered by chance, almost 10 or 15 times, that he had watched porn on PC the previous night (while I was asleep!). I discussed it with him and told him that he could wake me up, as he knows this is something I love (to wake me up for having sex), but he told me it's easier for him when he feels suddenly horny to masturbate with porn.
But I feel so annoyed by this fact, because his favourite part at a woman's body is bottom, and he keeps on telling me I have much gym and diet to make one of his taste. I feel so insecure and jealous -I must admit- I also have cried many times alone...
I have been trying to lose weight (I am 70 kilograms and 1,73 meter tall, he is also overweight person the same as me), but he continues watching porn, without letting me know, late at night. His excuse: it helps him fall asleep and its something ALL GUYS DO!
I realize that my bad view about my ego has a low sex drive ability as a result. When we have sex I enjoy it, but as I don't feel secure and confident, thinking I am not able to satisfy him by not having the nice bottom he wants, I can't come most times.
I have explained all these to him, but he denies to understand me, says I am over-reacting.
What do you think can I do? I love him, am in love with him and don't want to lose him.

[smoothy]

How old are both of you? The answer might be different if your are 20 something than if your are 50 something.

[Lacrimosa]

Yeap, sorry I forgot mentioning that. I am 22 and he is 30. And I am very liberal in sexual stuff, I don't have taboos about things that give taste to sexual life.
Also, I must say that my body shape is the same with the period we started our relationship.

[smoothy]

At that age I can't figure the sex dropping off to a few times a week. Once a day at that age is a reasonible pace to keep. And one I have kept for most of 17 years of marriage and I'm 47.

It will drop off from when you first move in together once the novelty of that wears off.

Now unless he is supplementing the porn watching with spanking his monkey when you sleep then I don't think personally it's a huge deal. But if he is doing just that then he has an issue to address. I personally feel no guy with a willing partner there and closeby should be wanking away.

The fact you have not recently packed on a lot of pounds shows its not you.

Rather than get upset about this at this stage try talking to him again. Be direct in that you want some more and he can wake you up if he needs it as well as you wan wake him up when you need it. That's worked well for me and my wife. I told her that when we got married and I hold to it to this day. And yes she does wake me up at times. I cheerfully attend to matters at that time.

Make sure he doesn't feel like he has to initiate it all the time unless he is the rare guy that's turned off by a woman that is assertive.

At only 2 years you still haven't settled into your routines yet.

[Lacrimosa]

I didn't say so many things: we moved in the sixth month of our relationship!
And I think that the point for him is to masturbate, but as he told me once, he needs the visual stimulant to achieve this!
He is negative about the whole thing. He says to me I don't have the right to forbid a natural thing as masturbation is!
It's the first time I join this site, are you a psychologist or something?

[southerngalps]

I believe there is some sort of problem with his sex drive towards you. Don't really know quite what it is... I think you should start living life... exercising... going out with friends. Let him see that you can do a lot without him. This might get him into the swing of things. I don't mean this in any way as an insult. I speak from some experience. Me and my boyfriend have been together for four years and moved in together 2 1/2 months into our relationship. I still want him bad everyday and he wants it too. Next time he is watching porn next to you while you are sleeping... get up and start to massage him or something sexy. He better be turned on by that!

[smoothy]

Has his job involved increase of stress recently, or had added responsibility. As far as him watching porn expect a lot of opinion for every aspect. Many feel passionately on either end of it.

Exercise is good... most people need more, myself included. Try to be more "I want it so give me some big boy"... very few guys get upset when a woman takes the initiative when she feels the need.

Now if he turns you away then there is an issue. Some guys are reluctant to wake up a sleeping woman. Not all women like being woken up to have sex. So its possible there is an innocent excuse at play.

[Lacrimosa]

Exercising is something I already do in my routine. But we are not separated for many hours in day, we spent most of our free time together and we actually enjoy that! It wouldn't be a solution for me and him to change this. The last option you give me cannot be doable, no way!! He masturbates in next room, not in front of a laptop in our bed, but it's no difference. I am standing there if he needs me, that's my problem! He prefers "personal pleasure"? Why? When I discover he is doing this, I get so mad... it's not easy to me to take it as a game between us...
Smoothy, YES many times (I think it's over 80%) he turns away when I express my need... And then I get concerned that something's going on...
I said to my first post that I belong to that women category that LOVE been woken up for sex! And I've told him so many times.
I have also tried to do to him the same, I downloaded porn stuff for women in a file that he had access. And he saw them, but didn't react like he was annoyed.
I feel really so abandoned sexually, when he shows me he wants sex I don't feel desirable, and I think that's the reason I can't come... I had never problems with orgasm. But after all this, I realize that something's going on with the view I have for myself, especially me sexual part.
Regarding his job, he has his own company, but he is not always stressed, generally he is an easy-going person. He chooses the hours he must work. I don't think this is the cause.

[smoothy]

Exercising is something I already do in my routine. But we are not separated for many hours in day, we spent most of our free time together and we actually enjoy that! It wouldn't be a solution for me and him to change this. The last option you give me cannot be doable, no way!!! He masturbates in next room, not in front of a laptop in our bed, but it's no difference. I am standing there if he needs me, that's my problem! He prefers "personal pleasure"? Why? When I discover he is doing this, I get so mad.... it's not easy to me to take it as a game between us...
Smoothy, YES many times (I think it's over 80%) he turns away when I express my need.... And then I get concerned that something's going on...
I said to my first post that I belong to that women category that LOVE been woken up for sex! And I've told him so many times.
I have also tried to do to him the same, I downloaded porn stuff for women in a file that he had access. And he saw them, but didn't react like he was annoyed.
I feel really so abandoned sexually, when he shows me he wants sex I don't feel desirable, and I think that's the reason I can't come... I had never problems with orgasm. But after all this, I realize that something's going on with the view I have for myself, especially me sexual part.
Regarding his job, he has his own company, but he is not always stressed, generally he is an easy-going person. He chooses the hours he must work. I don't think this is the cause.

If he is masturbating in the next room and ignoring you most of the week then we have a real problem.

What are his issues, fear of pregnancy? If he is turning you away actively there is something going on here. Its not the porn but it is something for certain.

As a guy if I ever did that to my wife I would rightfully expect her to be upset.

Self employed means he shoulders 100% of the responsibility... there can be significant stress in that depending on what he does and what the market for his services are in your area. The more the competition the higher the stress.

Perhaps if he won't talk to you about what the issues are then maybe its time for couples counciling. I don't see you doing anything wrong with what you have said from a guys perspective. He however is keeping something bottled up.

[Lacrimosa]

No, pregnancy is out of the question! I take contraceptive pill, you see!
Months ago, I had asked him if I do something wrong and found me no more attractive, and told me that my dressing indoors was not appropriate and didn't allowed him notice me. So I quit trousers and tried on some shorts, skirts, tops, I exposed more skin if you get me!
But the situation didn't changed...
Every time I discover he's been watching porn (I see marks of sperm on the floor of his room from previous night) I swear to myself that when he'll touch me next time... I would not response... but I do... even if I don't feel good in bed... even if I don't come 9 to 10 times... He doesn't even kiss me when he approaches me for sex neither during the whole thing. I am going to talk to him, but how can I have his real attention, and not make fun with me?

[smoothy]

No, pregnancy is out of the question! I take contraceptive pill, you see!
Months ago, I had asked him if I do something wrong and found me no more attractive, and told me that my dressing indoors was not appropriate and didn't allowed him notice me. So I quit trousers and tried on some shorts, skirts, tops, I exposed more skin if you get me!
But the situation didn't changed...
Every time I discover he's been watching porn (I see marks of sperm on the floor of his room from previous night) I swear to myself that when he'll touch me next time... i would not response... but I do... even if I don't feel good in bed... even if I don't come 9 to 10 times... He doesn't even kiss me when he approaches me for sex neither during the whole thing. I am going to talk to him, but how can I have his real attention, and not make fun with me?

TIme to get councilling as a couple. He's got a problem and isn't willing to discuss it. And I can assume the way things are just are not acceptable which is likely an understatement.

[Lacrimosa]

Thanks for your time and advices anyway... I let you know if we have any progress, I hope very soon!

[smoothy]

I hope you have progress as well. If you catch it early then you have a better chance before real resentments have time to fester.

[Lacrimosa]

I totally agree with you!
Cya

[talaniman]

I think the resentments are already in place, and on both sides of the coin. If I acted as he does, my wife would be raisng all kind of hell. Why aren't you? Sorry I have no sympathy for a guy who masterbates, while his female gets frustrated, that's as selfish, and uncaring, as it gets.

Make him sleep on the couch a few nights, and see if he at least will talk. I'm old school, and this modern acceptance of bad behavior, is not my idea of dealing with things the right way.

Let him knowyour pizzed off, and just ain't standing for the crap.

[talaniman]

He is negative about the whole thing. He says to me I don't have the right to forbid a natural thing as masturbation is!

That's crap! Your not forbidding it, you want your share too! Masterful way of shifting the blame and give him the right to continue the way he is. The bad part is you go along with it.

But we are not separated for many hours in day, we spent most of our free time together and we actually enjoy that! It wouldn't be a solution for me and him to change this. The last option you give me cannot be doable, no way!!

Further enforcing the status quo, and giving him your blessing that everything is okay! With all that time together resolution of your sexual inadequacies is ignored.

Sorry dear, your willingness to act as if everything is hunky dory only enables him, what you need is to take a stand for yourself.

[Choux]

Dear la,

You have only two years invested in a relationship with a guy who treats you badly... time to move on.

Have several or many different friends before you decide who you want to spend a long stretch of your life with!! ; a husband or a life partner. Your goal in life is to be as *happy* as possible and to *enjoy life* as much as possible. One of the most important decisions you have to make is who to spend the bulk of your time with... the LAST THING THAT YOU WANT is someone who bullsh*ts you while making power plays.

If you are already sad and questioning yourself, that is all the more reason to move on and get a little therapy to help you straighten your thoughts out and get firmly based in reality.

My very best to you for future happiness, :)

[Lacrimosa]

I am actually surprised! Men vs men? It's more usual for a man to take the side of another, who has right or not. Thank you guys...
However, I don't think I am wasting my time... I really love him and match with him. And I believe the "normal" is different from couple to couple. I don't mind if we have sex once a week, what I care for is the quality of our sexual life. He is not ashamed for masturbating while I am asleep, so many times I said to myself "ok, next time he wants sex, I'll send him to his porn girlfriends!". But if I tell him something like that out loud, I'll sound mean, won't I??
The matter for me is who has the problem. It could be me! Maybe I don't inspire him, doing something wrong. I am really curious when I loose the extra-weight, then he'll desire me?
Regarding the porn stuff, I know even I officially forbid it, he'll use it secretly. But do you think it is not acceptable for a man to see this as the only way through his girlfriend feels OK?
He couldn't accept forget porn, in order to make the woman he "loves" feel better? Is it such a huge sacrifice in the end??

[talaniman]

I think its selfish. I also think you should let him know how you feel, and let there be consequences. I also think you should address your own self esteem, and insecurities, and he is no help in that and is a contributor to those feelings.

Its not mean to express honest feelings. Not to be personal, but do you masturbate??

[smoothy]

A guy watching porn and loving and or having sex with his girlfriend/wife are not related or exclusive

I like porn... my wife is fine with it and she is always in the same room with me. We have our bigscreen in that room. There is no hiding. But I never neglect her needs and I never polish the flute instead of taking care of her needs. And we do this effectively every day. Like I mentioned, even after 17 years of marriage. I'm 47 wife is a few years younger.

I don't see you being the problem based on what you have discussed. I could if you were a bore that refused to do most things. But by your own admission that's not the case.

I do honestly think he has the issue, isn't willing to discuss it and thus why I think couples counseling might make him see what the issue really is and open up and talk about it. Let him see Rosey Palmer and her sisters is not a suitible substitute for the wife he is ignoring the needs of.