[STARKID]

Met my soulmate some time back, fell deeply in love, he loves me too and we're planning to get married soon. Im totally committed and clean and so is he. He knows about my major relationships before him but doesn't know a thing about this very dirty stage in my life some 8-10 years ago whre I indulged in casual sex with some people and never kept in touch also. He is exteremely sensetive about such things and lying is a very hurtful thing for him. Im scared 2 death ill lose him and tel myself its over and I've changed since then. But I'm I cheatin on him by not telling him? Will I be punished in some way? He is not open minded about such things and aleady feels bitter about watever little he knows so how can I risk it? Im very confused! Should I tel him even if it means he leaves me? I love him 2 bits and can't imagine life without him! What a dilema!

[excon]

Hello S:

Nahhh. You don't need to confess everything - specially the DETAILS.

excon

[Nestorian]

Met my soulmate some time back, fell deeply in love, he loves me too and we're planning to get married soon. Im totally commited and clean and so is he. He knows about my major relationships before him but doesnt know a thing about this very dirty stage in my life some 8-10 years ago whre i indulged in casual sex with some ppl and never kept in touch also. He is exteremely sensetive about such things and lieing is a very hurtful thing for him. Im scared 2 death ill lose him and tel myself its over and ive changed since then. But im i cheatin on him by not tellin him? will i be punished in some way? he is not open minded about such things and aleady feels bitter about watever little he knows so how can i risk it? Im very confused! shud i jus tel him even if it means he leaves me?? I love him 2 bits and can't imagine life widout him! wat a dilema!

Hum..? Feelings I get from you, Fear, frustration, confusion (though I think confution and frustration are things you are because of your difficulty interprating your feelings.), anger, suffering, Joy, happiness, bad, etc. Ok so it don't take a brilliant person to figure out how you feel, but trying to work through it, to understand why you're thinking you're guilty, confused, frustrated, and in over your head.

First you Say you are totally committed, OK so what is commitment? To pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.): to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge. So two things there, "Express one's intention, feeling" and to obligate by assurance. Well, what does that tell you? Are you committed?

Second, your fear of what he will think about your "indulgance in casual sex.", and how he will react. Well, you can't make him behave the way you want him to, so you have to let him decide that for himself, weather it's now, or later, or maybe he'll never find out. Question is, how does those three choices sit with you? The last thing you want is to loose him, though you can't have what you don't accept. (thats the power of freedome of choice. And the only love we have is the love we give.) But you don't want to hurt him, either, but you can't hurt if you don't know. Can you live with not telling him? Does it go against your morals and valuse? Time for some deep soul searching.

Write out your, Pros and cons (for each major out come. As you see fit) to the situation then write out your goals, and values, feelings, and then try to prioratise them. What is more important to you? Compleate open and honesty, or open as far as need be. True you don't have to tell him, even if you prommise him or pledge you will. You don't have to do anything, but we tend to think we "need" things that we truly don't. Soul mate, sure he maybe that one, but do you "need" him and no one else? Well, logic says, no, belief depending on your belef, usually doesn't say if you don't find your soul mate you will die, or go to hell, or terribel things will happen. You can still meet other people, and still enjoy things with out a soul mate. It may "feel" other wise but our feelings are easily deceived, and deceptive.

How so? Well, I've bin doing a lot of research lately on Pschology. I've read this book called, "the brain that changes it's self." It says in chapter 4, Love and atraction, that we sometimes "feel" we need some one because when we are with them and in "love", we tend to not feel pain, or displeasure, and that there is a chemical that is released in our brains called dopamine, apparently it's very addictive. So when some one is about to or is leaving us, we want them back, at almost any cost. This is very bad for our mental stability, because some of us are willing to suffer for "that specail some one". Just because our feelings are all confuddled by this chemical, and we precieve it as absolute truth, when really it could be our minds playing tricks on our feelings, and us. So how do you tell if you are in this situation? Are you willing to sacrifice something you know should not? That includes anothers best interests or feelings.

As for his sensativity, cold it may sound but that it his behavior, you truly can't let yourself be taken buy that, you can be considerate of it, and ask yourself what would he do in my shoes, but also remember to think what would I want if I was in his shoes. Understanding is a big part of a relationship no matter how simple it may seem. Be Loving and kind, but don't torment yourself for that.

Are you cheating on him by not telling him?? That's your belief, you have to decide that for yourself. Remember what would he do in your shoes, and what would you want him to do if he was in yours.

Punished in some way? Debatalbe, are you punishing yourself now?? Sure seems like it, you feel sad, scarred and you are frustrated, confused, lost. I'd say that one of your needs aren't being met, Hum..? Love and belonging go hand in hand, since this seems like a love kind of matter, and a belonging matter, maybe your real question is do you belong with this man?

He is close minded..? Well that seems like a pretty big thing to be holding over your head, weather he will accept you for who you are or weather you should change for his benafit. Then again, if one day he decides to leave you, for what ever reason, how would you feel then, suppressing, depressing, and repressing yourself to apease his ideal love? What about your love? And since you can't really know the exact picture he has in his mind of the one he loves, then you can't play to the call of his pleasure any way. That is in his mind, abstract.

Again, that chemical change in your brain can obliterate your desire to try anything new, because you crave that feeling/ chemical fix. Careful with that.

well peace be with you, I hope this helps.

[N0help4u]

I think you want to tell him because you want to get it off your chest so YOU feel better when really it is YOUR past he knows you HAVE a past so leave it go at that and do not further any information. Live in the here and now with him and build on what you have now.

[JudyKayTee]

I think you want to tell him because you want to get it off your chest so YOU feel better when really it is YOUR past he knows you HAVE a past so leave it go at that and do not further any information. Live in the here and now with him and build on what you have now.

I agree - OP would not post with this much detail if there wasn't some desire on some level to tell the boyfriend. So I agree with excon - if you feel you MUST confess I don't know that the details are important or necessary.

Personally speaking - I could live with the fact that my partner had a past. I don't need the details of the past. I couldn't live with him looking me in the face and lying. Nobody wants somebody else to come up and say, "Know what - " about the partner and stand there looking stupid.

I am a little concerned that you are talking about being engaged, this secret life happened 8 or 10 years ago and yet you are "text speaking." I trust you are an adult who just speaks "text?"

[JudyKayTee]

Hum.....???? Feelings i get from you, Fear, frustration, confusion (though i think confution and frustration are things you are becuase of your dificulty interprating your feelings.), anger, suffering, Joy, happiness, bad, etc. Ok so it don't take a brilliant person to figure out how you feel, but trying to work through it, to understand why you're thinking you're guilty, confused, frustrated, and in over your head.

First you Say you are totally commited, ok so what is commitment?? To pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.): to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge. So two things there, "Express one's intention, feeling" and to obligate by assurance. Well, what does that tell you?? Are you commited?

Second, your fear of what he will think about your "indulgance in casual sex.", and how he will react. Well, you can't make him behave the way you want him to, so you have to let him decide that for him self, weather it's now, or later, or maybe he'll never find out. Question is, how does those three choices sit with you?? The last thing you want is to loose him, though you can't have what you don't accept. (thats the power of freedome of choice. And the only love we have is the love we give.) But you don't want to hurt him, either, but you can't hurt if you dont' know. Can you live with not telling him?? Does it go against your morals and valuse?? Time for some deep soul searching.

Write out your, Pros and cons (for each major out come. as you see fit) to the situation then write out your goals, and values, feelings, and then try to prioratise them. What is more important to you? Compleate open and honesty, or open as far as need be. True you don't have to tell him, even if you prommise him or pledge you will. You dont' have to do anything, but we tend to think we "need" things that we truly don't. Soul mate, sure he maybe that one, but do you "need" him and no one else?? Well, logic says, no, belief depending on your belef, usually doesn't say if you don't find your soul mate you will die, or go to hell, or terribel things will happen. You can still meet other people, and still enjoy things with out a soul mate. It may "feel" other wise but our feelings are easily decieved, and deceptive.

How so?? Well, I've bin doing a lot of reasearch lately on Pschology. I've read this book called, "the brain that changes it's self." It says in chapter 4, Love and atraction, that we sometimes "feel" we need some one because when we are with them and in "love", we tend to not feel pain, or displeasure, and that there is a chemical that is released in our brains called dopamine, apparently it's very addictive. So when some one is about to or is leaving us, we want them back, at almost any cost. This is very bad for our mental stability, becuase some of us are willing to suffer for "that specail some one". Just becuase our feelings are all confuddled by this chemical, and we precieve it as absolute truth, when really it could be our minds playing tricks on our feelings, and us. So how do you tell if you are in this situation?? Are you willing to sacrafice something you know should not?? That includes anothers best interests or feelings.

As for his sensativity, cold it may sound but that it his behavior, you truly can't let your self be taken buy that, you can be considerate of it, and ask yourself what would he do in my shoes, but also remember to think what would i want if i was in his shoes. Understanding is a big part of a relationship no matter how simple it may seem. Be Loving and kind, but don't torment yourself for that.

Are you cheating on him by not telling him??? Thats your belief, you have to decide that for your self. Remember what would he do in your shoes, and what would you want him to do if he was in yours.

Punished in some way?? Debatalbe, are you punishing yourself now??? Sure seems like it, you feel sad, scarred and you are frustrated, confused, lost. I'd say that one of your needs aren't being met, Hum..??? Love and belonging go hand in hand, since this seems like a love kind of matter, and a belonging matter, maybe your real question is do you belong with this man??

He is close minded...??? well that seems like a pretty big thing to be holding over your head, weather he will accept you for who you are or weather you should change for his benafit. Then again, if one day he decides to leave you, for what ever reason, how would you feel then, supressing, depressing, and repressing yourself to apease his ideal love? What about your love?? And since you can't really know the exact picture he has in his mind of the one he loves, then you can't play to the call of his pleasure any way. That is in his mind, abstract.

Again, that chemical change in your brain can obliterate your desire to try anything new, because you crave that feeling/ chemical fix. Careful with that.

well peace be with you, i hope this helps.

I think you've gone way off track here - OP is engaged to marry someone who is not very liberal about uncommitted sex; she has a past she has not told him about; she's debating whether to tell him now. He's not holding anything over her head - he has made his position very clear and now she must decide what to do. He's not demanding that she be perfect. He appears to expect her to be truthful.

As far as the book you quote - that's a self-help book about personal triumphs. A best seller but hardly hard scientific fact.

I don't know how you got from "should I tell him the truth" to "that chemical change in her brain can obliterate her desire to try anything new." In fact, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about as it concerns this post.

I see no indication that the fiancé is asking her to "supressing, depressing, and repressing [her]self to apease his ideal love? {your spellings}" Everyone has standards and expectations and the absolute right to ask those of a partner - and if the partner doesn't have those same standards and expectations, then it's time to move on.

As I said - I think you are making this enormously complicated and pseudo-psychological for no reason. Don't you expect certain things of your partner? No one wants to look stupid when they don't know the truth and someone comes up and says, "Hey, know what you don't know" about the partner. I could never live with someone who looked me in the face and lied - but I don't see that the OP did this. I think she just avoided the subject and now is debating whether to tell or not to tell.

I think she's in a bad spot here and trying to work her way through it. Lecturing is not going to help her - and I don't know that there IS a hard and fast answer, anyway.

Happy to be corrected if I am wrong.

[Nestorian]

I think you've gone way off track here - OP is engaged to marry someone who is not very liberal about uncommitted sex; she has a past she has not told him about; she's debating whether to tell him now. He's not holding anything over her head - he has made his position very clear and now she must decide what to do. He's not demanding that she be perfect. He appears to expect her to be truthful.

As far as the book you quote - that's a self-help book about personal triumphs. A best seller but hardly hard scientific fact.

I don't know how you got from "should I tell him the truth" to "that chemical change in her brain can obliterate her desire to try anything new." In fact, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about as it concerns this post.

I see no indication that the fiance is asking her to "supressing, depressing, and repressing [her]self to apease his ideal love? {your spellings}" Everyone has standards and expectations and the absolute right to ask those of a partner - and if the partner doesn't have those same standards and expectations, then it's time to move on.

As I said - I think you are making this enormously complicated and pseudo-psychological for no reason. Don't you expect certain things of your partner? No one wants to look stupid when they don't know the truth and someone comes up and says, "Hey, know what you don't know" about the partner. I could never live with someone who looked me in the face and lied - but I don't see that the OP did this. I think she just avoided the subject and now is debating whether to tell or not to tell.

I think she's in a bad spot here and trying to work her way through it. Lecturing is not going to help her - and I don't know that there IS a hard and fast answer, anyway.

Happy to be corrected if I am wrong.

Indeed, to be quit honest, I understand your position. Life doesn't have to be so complex as I seem to make it, However, the choices we make are effected by our brains. In what ways, well that is debatalbe. Could take centuries to figure out.

Moving on, First thing she says is she met her soul mate a while back and fell deeply in love. Well, our feelings are influenced by many things, so I was trying to explain that it's a possibility, not that she is absolutely influenced by the chemical changes in her brain or that there even are any, but if I sounded like that, I'm sorry for I do not believe that there is ever one explination, or reason, that any given is the absolute one. I simply meant for her to be aware that her mind may play tricks on her, and thus influence her feelings, and not to get too caught up in her feelings, because they can cloud the mind, causing Confusion. Which she clearly stated she is.

As for him holding anything over her head, I thought I said her holding the situation over her head. That is what I meant, since she is here, asking us to adivse her, and that she thinks she is too confused to figure it out. She seems to feel bad, and thinks she is guilty of being or becoming bad. I was trying to get the idea accrosst that it's her choice and any advice we give, is our own, and she can choose to take our advice, or simply to follow her own heart, after all it is her life and she must live it.

Um... not to be rude, but to state a fact, He hasn't said anything about his posission, we don't know anything about him, only what she tells us, which tells us only about her really. Like how she feels about him, or what she thinks of him. What he tells or does with her is inturn defined and interpreted by her. And if she loves him, we all do this, at least most people I know, and I myself do it, we tend to ignore or miss the flaws of the one we love. So we really can't assume she is telling us everything, weather involuntary, or voluntary.

True, a book that I can only really take it's writing for truth, though I intend to really delve into the subject, I think he provides quite a few well known names of scientists, and their expierements, what came from them, how they are related to our thinking, And self help, is that not really what she is asking, for help? I don't know but that's what I thought this site was all about, learning from one another, and getting help to understand things better with information from others?

How do I go from should I or shouldn't I behave in such a way, to chemicals and how they effect our brain and how that inturn effects our thinking/ decission making. They tend to be tied pretty close together, often reacting to one another. Or at least in most cases.


"I see no indication that the fiance is asking her to "suppressing, depressing, and repressing [her]self to apease his ideal love? {your spellings}" Everyone has standards and expectations and the absolute right to ask those of a partner - and if the partner doesn't have those same standards and expectations, then it's time to move on."

He may not be asking her to suppress, or deress, or repress any thing, but the question is, "Is she asking herself to??" See, I don't know, so why not ask, learn and then give input about it. Or imply a lot of different things, and let the individual decide for them self. Yes, we do tend to have standards, this is indeed true. But as for rights... Rights are an abstract idea of that which is due to a person or governmental body by law or tradition or nature. The key words, are abstract and idea, meaning that a right is a "belief" in this case, that is enforced by law, tradition or nature. Rights are only imagined. Created by people, to control people. Really we only have rights if society enforces them ideas. But rights are not absolute as some places in the world some people do not have rights, therefor a right is not absolute. It's too debatable what a right is, or weather we truly deserve them. The right to freedome of speech, so does that mean we can say what we want where ever we want when ever we want, and the law will back us and protect us?? I highly doubt that. Some things are taboo, and socially unacceptable. And yes it would be a good idea to move on if some one is too differnet in there beliefs, and values, but none the less an idea, only supported by our personal beliefs, and beliefs can be distorted.

Honestly, I don't think I have the right to know, but if I don't know I'd feel, hurt, angery, scarred, and I would probably react by asking my significant other if its' true, you know how rumours are, and that most people talk about them because they're board, or jelous, or even just have nothing better to do with their time.

"I think she just avoided the subject and now is debating whether to tell or not to tell." Some people would say with holding information is lying. Personally I understand that people are afraid and simply can't seem to tell their love some things. It would suck well acctaully it does suck, but that doesn't seem like a good reason to leave some one, because they are afraid you'll leave. That only confirms their fears, why not help them get over it, listen to them, and work though your own fears, and maybe learn to let up on your values. No I'm not saying yield to another, but don't just judge them as one thing or another and assume that they are no good, give it a chance. Unless they do something really bad, like hurt some one, or are very mean, or hurtful, or what ever the reason maybe, but at least try to let go of something that you were not apart of, like a persons past and who they slept with. I mean if they got an STD and you were at risk, that is a BIG RED flag, but if its' all said and done and nothing seems amiss, what's the problem right, it's a past like you said. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present." Kung fu panda.

Any way I hope you understand that all that I say is from my own mind, and as such for my own life. If you like something use it, if it don't make sense to you, well feel free to ask about it, if it doesn't appliy to you ignore it, what ever the case be, peace be with you.

[hjpan]

Relationship = comunication.

Better fess up before things go out of hand... =/

Regardless, he does not have the right to know BUT you should be open with him.
That is why marriages fail. Both sides cannot be open enough.

[N0help4u]

Relationship = comunication.

Better fess up before things go out of hand... =/

Regardless, he does not have the right to know BUT you should be open with him.
That is why marriages fail. Both sides cannot be open enough.

So should everybody go over ever thing and every guy they were with from their first kiss on? Do they need to tell that they cheated on their boyfriend one time when they were 16 and now they are 26?
Does that really add anything to the communication?
Does that build more in the relationship?
What is going to get out of hand if she doesn't tell her boyfriend that she met a guy at a bar and had a one night stand 5 1/2 yrs ago?

[hjpan]

So should everybody go over ever thing and every guy they were with from their first kiss on? Do they need to tell that they cheated on their bf one time when they were 16 and now they are 26?
Does that really add anything to the communication?
Does that build more in the relationship?
What is going to get out of hand if she doesn't tell her bf that she met a guy at a bar and had a one night stand 5 1/2 yrs ago?

I should clarify my point.

She should be open with her past up her casual sex situations. Let the guy decide if he can accept her past or not.

What will get out of hand is when he finds out that the past by himself.

Maybe you're not comfortable with opening your past.

the question is: WHY.

[N0help4u]

She did state that she did tell him much of her past with guys but she didn't cover every guy or all the details.

[JudyKayTee]

Moving on, First thing she says is she met her soul mate a while back and fell deeply in love. Well, our feelings are influenced by many things, so I was trying to explain that it's a possibility, not that she is absolutely influenced by the chemical changes in her brain or that there even are any, but if I sounded like that, i'm sorry for i do not believe that there is ever one explination, or reason, that any given is the absolute one. I simply ment for her to be aware that her mind may play tricks on her, and thus influence her feelings, and not to get too caught up in her feelings, because they can cloud the mind, causing Confusion. Which she clearly stated she is. .

Again, in a nutshell - she didn't ask for her relationship to be examined under a microscope - including why she loves this guy and why she feels they are soulmates.

She asked if she should tell him about her life 8 to 10 years ago -

I don't see that you've answered that. She asked what time it is and you explained how to make a watch.

[hjpan]

She did state that she did tell him much of her past with guys but she didn't cover every guy or all the details.

Not this one:
but doesnt know a thing about this very dirty stage in my life some 8-10 years ago whre i indulged in casual sex with some ppl and never kept in touch

She did not tell him this part...

My question to OP is:

If you had casual sex with different people and at that time, you were feeling confident, why are you not confident in opening up anymore?

It's hard to open up bad past-times, but the problem will stay with you unless you open up and admit you were whoring 8-10 years ago. If my future partner or partners asked me how many girls I've done, I'll be open.

I see nothing to be afraid of. The fear of the past is one of the worst fears a person has.

[N0help4u]

Because sometimes it is better not to say some things to some people because they can not handle it. She already said that what she told him was upsetting enough and he is trying to deal with that much. He knows she has a past and as long as she learned from her past and she would never do something like that again then it is basically a non issue.
Often when a girl tells a guy something he says he is okay with it and he lets it eat away at him for months or even years and then he holds it against her. I have even known of guys that insist that their girlfriend or wife must cheat because every girl they ever knew cheated.
As long as she did explain she has a past she is not proud of and told him some of the basics and she is not proud of her past to the point she changed her ways that should be good enough.

[hjpan]

Because sometimes it is better not to say some things to some people because they can not handle it. She already said that what she told him was upsetting enough and he is trying to deal with that much. He knows she has a past and as long as she learned from her past and she would never do something like that again then it is basically a non issue.
Often when a girl tells a guy something he says he is okay with it and he lets it eat away at him for months or even years and then he holds it against her. I have even known of guys that insist that their gf or wife must cheat because every girl they ever knew cheated.
As long as she did explain she has a past she is not proud of and told him some of the basics and she is not proud of her past to the point she changed her ways that should be good enough.

That's true too. Some people can handle the truth; some can't.

If she tells him everything now, he can cry his eyeballs now instead of later.

[N0help4u]

Maybe she should just ask if he wants to hear more and leave it up to him if his love for her is strong enough that he does not care to hear the rest because he loves her enough that her past doesn't matter.

[hjpan]

Maybe she should just ask if he wants to hear more and leave it up to him if his love for her is strong enough that he does not care to hear the rest because he loves her enough that her past doesn't matter.

That works too.

[pange101]

Met my soulmate some time back, fell deeply in love, he loves me too and we're planning to get married soon. Im totally commited and clean and so is he. He knows about my major relationships before him but doesnt know a thing about this very dirty stage in my life some 8-10 years ago whre i indulged in casual sex with some ppl and never kept in touch also. He is exteremely sensetive about such things and lieing is a very hurtful thing for him. Im scared 2 death ill lose him and tel myself its over and ive changed since then. But im i cheatin on him by not tellin him? will i be punished in some way? he is not open minded about such things and aleady feels bitter about watever little he knows so how can i risk it? Im very confused! shud i jus tel him even if it means he leaves me?? I love him 2 bits and can't imagine life widout him! wat a dilema!

I know it hard but you should tell him before he finds out himself and if you know he really loves you he'd under stand that you have made some bad choices in life but now you changed and god is always by your side and god loves you know matter what you have done in the past!!


Love pange101

[pange101]

Met my soulmate some time back, fell deeply in love, he loves me too and we're planning to get married soon. Im totally commited and clean and so is he. He knows about my major relationships before him but doesnt know a thing about this very dirty stage in my life some 8-10 years ago whre i indulged in casual sex with some ppl and never kept in touch also. He is exteremely sensetive about such things and lieing is a very hurtful thing for him. Im scared 2 death ill lose him and tel myself its over and ive changed since then. But im i cheatin on him by not tellin him? will i be punished in some way? he is not open minded about such things and aleady feels bitter about watever little he knows so how can i risk it? Im very confused! shud i jus tel him even if it means he leaves me?? I love him 2 bits and can't imagine life widout him! wat a dilema!

I know it hard but you should tell him before he finds out himself and if you know he really loves you he'd under stand that you have made some bad choices in life but now you changed and god is always by your side and god loves you know matter what you have done in the past!!


:) love pange101:)

:mad: :D :cool: :eek: :rolleyes: ;) :confused: :(