[Sammie66]

I hope it's normal to feel this way. I just have to accept that she's going to be in the background for a while at least and I might just have to distance myself from it.

I don't like how it's worked out. She basically told me that I was this horrible person but still wants to be friends and she isn't going to go away. I'm usually the kind of person that would be friends with anyone, but it's an impossible situation. Anyone got any ideas?

I can just envisage my brother and his wife going out for meals with my ex and her new man. It makes me sick. I just feel betrayed by everyone at the moment.

[Sammie66]

All this stuff is just mad.

No contact, arguments and all that. Feeling like I might cry all the time.

It feels so surreal. She's online just now on msn. Don't know whether I should talk to her or not. Probably not.

I wish I could just have a normal conversation with her. It's weird.

[talaniman]

When you have those thoughts and feelings, which is absolutely normal, that's when you get busy. Even the smallest task will change your focus. Keep away from the notion to contact her in any way. Those actions only stir up the old feelings and makes them worse, so physically get up, and get busy, trim your mustache.

[Sammie66]

I spoke to her on msn. Bad move. I avoided discussing us and just chatted briefly about her/my work and looking for jobs. It felt really strained. I just said "got to go, later" and signed off because it was awkward.

It makes me sick to think that she is "in love" so soon after. I went to the cinema with a friend and it was quite a sad love story film (Wall-E) and I almost cried.

I was truly in love with this girl and I totally ruined it by panicking and ending it when I got cold feet and it made her look elsewhere for love.

[Ithappenstoall]

I was reading through your story, first off let me say that I am really sorry for what is happening to you and I can def see where yo are coming from, I am kind of going through the same thing right now and yes it hurts and I have done some of the same things like calling her and talking to her online but trust me it is not worth it, it has been a month and half from my 3 year relatioship and it sort of happened suddenly , and you keep thining that you screwed up but you cannot do that, you cannot think of what happened in the past or what you did, it will only drive you crazy, again been there.
What I think you are going through is that you have no one else right now, believe me if you were talking to someone you would def be feeling better. You need time for yourself to think about what you want. It is about you now, stop thinking about her, what she is doing... it is for the best (I can tell you my story soemtime if you want to try and relate to it just let me know) This is where I am now. If you need help go see close friends and family, see what they think about this or better yet what they thought about her.
From my experience , everyone that I knew told me that they were happy she had ended it with, because she was making me act like someone else, and making me feel insecure.
Be strong buddy... it is not worth it.

[Sammie66]

Hey, I would like to hear your story. It's good to share problems.

I've always been quite low on confidence and my friends and family noticed how I grew when I was with her. I was on top of the world for a good while. Now I'm back to what I was like before.

I was reading this just now
What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
It's quite good.

I broke up with her at the early stages, but then realised I loved her. I think she broke up with me at the point where the "Honeymoon period" ended for her. She told me her previous relationships had fizzled out, so maybe she expects the relationship to be intense and as exciting all the way through. Don't get me wrong, it was still exciting for me, but I think I loved her on a deeper level. I could see us being together forever.

My brother thinks I was more in love with the idea of love rather than her, but he has no idea how much I adored her.

The thing I like to think of is that even after it ended when I smiled, she couldn't help herself smiling and nobody can take that away.

[Sammie66]

Another thought as I go on and on...

I wish she could tell me what she really wants from me. She never told me while we were together and she isn't telling me now. Maybe she doesn't know and that's the whole problem.

Does she genuinely want me as a friend? Or does she want a backup in case her new man isn't good enough? Has she moved on so quickly that I mean nothing to her and she can handle me as "just a friend". I know that she couldn't do that when I ended it once. I'm quite a logical person, so this emotional stuff is very alien to me!

I just constantly feel like I might cry at the smallest thing. Only thing that seems to cheer me up is getting drunk at the weekends with friends.

[talaniman]

I'm quite a logical person, so this emotional stuff is very alien to me!

That is exactly why you take the time for the emotional dust to settle, and do other things, so you gain a better perspective on your situation, and you can formulate coping strategies to deal with these situations.

Only thing that seems to cheer me up is getting drunk at the weekends with friends.

Yeah, that's how we did it in the old days and let me tell you, don't know what was worse, the hangover, the heartbreak, or the humility of drunken behavior that your buddies are only to willing to remind you of.

[Ithappenstoall]

OK well in a nutshelll I was going out with for 3 years, I was her first evetyting (sex, long relatioship), everything was going good, we had some ups and downs along the road but overall it was fine... now that I think of it she would drive me crazy sometimes with ridculous stuff but I would not see it then.. like she would get pissed at me for forgetting something that she told me 4 months ago. But that s besides the point. So we went on a trip together and came back and a few weeks later she called it off saying she needed time to think. I responded by saying that yes we need some space to figure things out. THat led to nothing really just that kept contact for 2 weeks here and there and one night I saw her out and she was being different. So I confroted her the next day saying that something was up and she said that she could not do this anymore and whatnot... and she had the guts to tell me that she had a thing for this guy that I had my suspicions about (even though she told me that that had no influence and her decision to break up)... now let me tell you I did evetything for this girl or at least a lot, would treat her like a queen, spending a lot for her caring for her. YOu see I felt that this was nice, I was comfortable and that this was going somewhere for a while a we had even spoken about this (her idea). But hey it didn't trun out that way and like I said eeryone is happy that it didn't because now that it was over they told me what they really thought about her (some did while I was with her but I would not listen), so that helped me get better. I am now working overseas and before I left we saw each other and it was an emotional meeting (whihc made me feel good to be honest, she even called the day of my flight), but later on I found out that that same night she had hooked up with that guy in a club... wish made me feel crazy. Now let me tell you , this guy is not the right person for her I know it because I know him... that does not mean that I am the right person... but I know he is less suited for her. At first I thought so many times of telling her that, but hey why should I, she messed up so it is her mistake to make if she gets serious with him? I could give her 20 times what that other guy could (financialy, culturaly... ) but hey she wants to go this let her, so many other girls that would be lucky to be with me.

Now that you know a little bit about this this is what you need to do, let her make her mistake and if it is meant to be she will see it. You cannot froce someone to be with you. If you love them you need to let them go, and if they love you back they will come back to you. The pain you feel is good because it shows what kind of person you are, you took the risk to fall in love and you had a connection with someone, you at least did that. Now like me things did not really work out, but think about this way if you weer 3 years down the road and this had happened it would have been worst, better have this happen now when you have nothing together (kids, house,. ) then a couple years down the road where it would have been worst.

Now I know this is still crazy but it will go away, I am sure that when you go out with your friend and those girls that you will have a good time and it will help you relax. It helped me when I did that. I am still not completely myself but I am much better and you will be to.

[Sammie66]

Hey thanks man, that does sound similar. It's the same here - I feel like this guy won't give her what she needs.

She was my first and I made a few mistakes, like she told me how she hated that I wasn't affectionate in public. Now I'm quite a shy person, so it wasn't my instinct. However, if she had told me while we were together or made the move herself then I would have been happy to kiss/hug in public. I think most of these little things are just her making excuses though.

Her new boyfriend maybe does all these things and makes her feel loved when I maybe didn't quite do that. He's had many girlfriends so has had the experience. I'm worried that somewhere down the line, the initial excitement wears off and she'll realise that they aren't suited or that she misses me (not that I'm being arrogant).

She just never gave me a hint that she was unhappy and most of the things she says she wanted, so did I.

Like I say, it feels like like she's looking for this perfect relationship to love, rather than loving the person.

[Ithappenstoall]

Perhaps, but now you need to stop thinking about what she is thinking... let her to whatever, you did all those things and that is good, if you were good t oher she will realize sooner or later... I tend to believe that everything will work out... you need to start looking at it like that because trust me is the truth, you were happy before you met her so why can t you be now. That s what I try and tell myself everyday, I have so much to give and hey if she says she can't be with me , then I will find someone in my own time. The key is to remember that you are doing this for you and not to try and to do all this to get her attention or get her back. She use to live with a friend who told me that she didn't deserve me and why am I still trying to fix things, she told me that I needed to look myself in the mirror and see what I am really worth, she also told that she was surprised that I was with her that long. Take a good look at yourself and see what do you want to do. Remember that we usually act irrationaly when we lose something, we start acting childish in the sense that we want to get back what we do not have, like a kid who just got his toy taken away from him, suddenly begins to cry because that toy is so important. If you are afraid of where you are now, hey I am afraid to but hey we have to work with. Try and get you confidence back in thinking that you are not the only one going through this and that when people tell everything will work out... they mean it honestly

[Sammie66]

I know that I should just walk away and move on. She's the one with issues, not me.

I just feel teary eyed all the time at the moment. I actually cried for a month.

[Sammie66]

I still don't understand how she was so in love with me one minute, then a week later so in love with someone else that she moved in with him. It doesn't make sense to me at all.

It's like I meant absolutely nothing to her, but I know it's not the case. I imagine she'll marry this guy. I wish I knew what was going through her head. I'm just such a wreck just now.

It's like she decided on a whim that I wasn't the one for her and she's moved on and decided that this guy is the one without any reason. I wasn't that bad a boyfriend and she never complained. She was still doing loving things for up until the week she dumped me.

It's as though this guy telling her he fancied her suddenly made her want to leave me. How could she be so fickle.

[Sammie66]

You guys must be sick of me now. I'm just so up and down right at the moment.

I think she decided I didn't love her and acted on that. It's horrible. I loved her more than anything and maybe I did neglect her a little, but I don't think I did enough to warrant what I got. All she needed to tell me was that she was upset, not finish it.

I held back from saying 3 things when we were together which would have probably saved my relationship. I didn't say them because I thought they were a bit foolish and rushed but I regret not saying them.

1. I was lying in bed watching my ex sleep and she opened her eyes and said "What?" to which I replied "nothing" when I was thinking "I love you so much"
2. My ex was telling me that she was wanting to move flats. I thought "Move in with me" but said "have you got any friends to move in with"
3. We were lying in bed and my ex was telling me that it was her period the next day and we were talking and she said "It's good because at least it means I'm not pregnant" which I immediately thought "I would love it if you were pregnant" but said "yeah I guess"

I held back from showing her how much I loved her. #1 should have been obvious to her that I adored her if I was just looking at her.

[Ithappenstoall]

Hey man... as long as you are talking to us and not to her it s good

[Sammie66]

I just had a dream about her and woke up really missing her.

This is the worst I've felt for a bit. It's maybe because I'm tired. It's horrible

[Ithappenstoall]

Now you learned from this... think of it this way, we learn through our mistakes and you will know now how to act in this particular situation the next time around. I believe in never playing games, always being honest with yourself and with who you are. I told my ex that I was falling for her 5 months in and that took our relatioship to the next level and forward almost up to 3 years. Do I still think of her yes, do I wonder what she is doing or if she is with that other guy sometimes, BUT I always , always tell myself that if she doenst want to be with me, why do I keep doing this to myself. You seem like a good guy so why dwell on someone who clearly does not feel the same or doesn't know what she wants. YOu have no idea but I was in such a similar situation not too long ago and now after almost 2 months apart you start to realize that you are not the one missing out that much but she is, she had the chance to be with you and she blew it. DO NOT THINK about what has happened or what you should have said or what you didn't say. YOu need to let the past be the past and now focus on what is ahead On another note you need to be NC (if you are not doing that already) and be strong about it. So women don't know what they want and bam when they realize it it s too late. This shows you the knid of person they really are and not the person you thoought they were or imagine.
Bottom line... do not think about the past, it will only hurt you.

[Sammie66]

Hey thanks man.

I was pretty low this morning. I had my text all written out and was about to send it when I realised that it won't change anything. So I didn't send it. Breakthrough? Maybe.

Then this afternoon I suddenly got really calm and thought "oh well, that ship has sailed". It wasn't a nice feeling, but a hell lot better than this "waiting for something to happen" feeling I've had.

I get to the stage where I feel really teary eyed and have a lump in my throat. Does this sound familiar?

I think she just got it into her head that I didn't love her and even though she wanted to be with me (I'm sure she did the day before she broke up with me. I could see it in her eyes) I just hurt her again on the Friday and it pushed her over the edge. Maybe she was waiting for me to slip up. I don't know. But to be with someone so soon and in love so soon and move in so soon. It HURTS.

[Sammie66]

She said her feelings began to change one night when she went home from mine because she had a sore back and was just going to bed. Her workmate (and new man) texted her and insisted that he went to hers even though she said "no" with chocolate to cheer her up and this made her "feel special".

This was maybe a couple of weeks before she dumped me. This guy was blatently trying to get into her pants and she fell for it.

Am I the only person that thinks this is ridiculous. I mean I offered to go to hers with her, but she said no because she was just going to sleep.

Was she just using me? Is it more likely that she asked him round rather than him texting her? I mean, how did he know where she lived!?

If she asked him over that night and was just using me as a safety net then she was just using me and it is sick. It makes more sense.

[Sammie66]

Or it was because I'd hurt her by dumping her and she was too scared of getting hurt again so didn't let herself commit.