Check out some similar questions!

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 04:06 AM

I typed out a whole long message regarding this, about why I think I feel this way, and what I think it's a reflection of, but I think it was far too long to bother you all with...

The problem is that I'm sabotaging my relationship with my fiancé. I love him so much, and I know he loves me, so why can't I just get on with it? Why do I obsess over his ex-girlfriends, or take it personally when he goes out without me? Why do I make life so hard for him when I know he's done nothing wrong? Why do I snoop around his things in the hope it'll give me some insight into his life? It drives me mad but I can't stop doing it. It's like I'm addicted to working myself up over nothing, and hurting myself for no reason!

Can anybody beat some sense into me? :confused:

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 04:31 AM

How long have you been with this guy? And has he had more previous partners than you have?

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 04:35 AM

Originally Posted by Krs

How long have you been with this guy? and has he had more previous partners than you have?

We've been together for over 4 years now, but it goes way further back for me. I've had a thing for him since I was 12, and he was 18. He has had a lot more partners than me because for some reason I ended up in a three year relationship at 16, and then straight into this relationship with him... It's not like I want to sew wild oats, but I just wish I didn't feel like such a child sometimes.

It just makes me want to bash my head against things...

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 04:50 AM

I had a similar issue as you with my partner. We have been together for 7 yrs and now married for 2. I was in the same shoes as you where I really and truly only had 2 serious relationship whilst he definitley had more than me.

It took me a while to just accept that fact and get on with it, and the thing is you have to, otherwise you can push him away with your obessions. Learn to get on with it. Learn that you are better than all his ex's as he with YOU now. You said your fiancé, so this guy proposed to you, you are the one he wants to spend the rest of your life with. If you keep on obessing you'll drive yourself mad and then him, there is so much a person can take. Forget his past and forget his ex's and just think for you 2 as a couple and nothing else matters.

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 05:14 AM

You see, I agree completely with that, Krs. I know that that's what I should be doing, but I can't do it. I just can't get over it. He's always been really apathetic (to the extent of saying that he was only with his ex-girlfriend's so long because he 'couldn't be bothered' to break up with them) and when I get in these dark paranoid moods, I'm just thinking "Well, what if he feels like that at the moment?"

His last ex-girlfriend was the one who gets me the most because she split up with him when he was still in love with her. And she's older and prettier and smarter than me, and because she dumped him - who's to say he wouldn't still be with her if she hadn't?

I KNOW I need to get over it, and soon, I just don't know HOW. Do these things change when you're married?

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 05:41 AM

About the ex girlfriend that's not the question to be asking yourself at all because this ex did you a favour.
What happened - happened!
Everything happens for a reason, and that reason was you. Put it this way if she never broke up with him you would have never met him, so you can be kind of thankful to her in a way. So look at it in that prospective not in a negative one.
Before I met my husband he had a girlfriend whom is was very fond of and she left him and broke his heart. So he left and went travelling to get away from it all and then meet ME. So is that good or bad? She did me a favour and same goes for you.

Things changed before we got married, I just learnt to accept it.

Our relationship is based on trust and love. We keep each other happy and if either 1 of us is not happy we let the other know and work on it.

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 05:51 AM

Oh and don't say that about yourself, have more self confidence and you are prettier and smartier and younger than his ex ;)

fredg · Mar 29, 2006, 06:13 AM

Hi Kohoutek,
I am 64 yrs old, married now (for the 2nd. Time) for 29 years. First marriage ended in divorce after 7 years.
No, I would not suggest marrying this person or anyone else until you have tried all you can do do away with the past. And, No, the feelings you have will not change after you marry someone.
Have you considered talking with someone, face-to-face, about your not being able to get over the past?
Maybe a Priest, Minister, Pastor, Rabbi, or someone like maybe a counselor of some type?
If you can't do it by yourself, then you really need to talk with a counselor, or even a psychiatrist. Feelings like this will continue with you until you find a solution.
You have taken the first step in writing here about it. Now, why not take the next step, and talk with someone. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 06:18 AM

Fredg is right.
Esp that your engaged to this guy and been together over 4 years. Its not like you meet him a few months ago.
You have be strong alone and get over it otherwise you will have problems.

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 06:59 AM

Thanks so much for all your help guys... I've been having these problems since the beginning of the relationship - I think it stems from the fact that I've been crazy about him for about 12 years now so all of those girlfriends or one night stands that he's been with were all probably whilst I was struggling through my teenage years wondering why he didn't feel the same way about me. Also I know that if I'm getting stressed or down in other parts of my life it manifests itself as worries with my relationship - so even though I know I don't need to worry, I still do..

I had counselling a while ago for various reasons and I really felt the results and I was fine for over a year, but then recently I've started to go downhill again. I've arranged to see a new counsellor through occupational health but it's only every other week and it's not helping that much this time. I can't afford to see a private counsellor like the last one I saw.

But thank you all though. Sometimes just getting it off your chest helps, right?

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by Krs

oh and dont say that about yourself, have more self confidence and you are prettier and smartier and younger than his ex ;)

Lol! Thanks...
I found out she used to work where I'm now working! I asked what she was like. All the men remembered her and said she was gorgeous. All the women remembered her and said she was really mean and b*tchy! Says it all really...

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 07:09 AM

You are welcome any time :)

Does he know what you feel and about all of this?

He is yours now and no one else's. He loves you and no one else. 4 years is 4 years not 4 weeks or 4 months.

Be strong xx

DJ 'H' · Mar 29, 2006, 07:15 AM

I was this way with my ex, but it is down to the fact that my instincts were telling me that he was wrong for me and also telling me that something wasn't quite right. He used to treat me like rotten and make me believe that anything that went wrong between us was my fault. I found myself doing all the things you have described and ended up finding out that my ex was cheating on me and his treatment towards me was a result of his guilt.

I am not saying that this is the same situation, buit the other reason behind me doing all of those things was depression. I found out that I was clinically depressed which made everything much worse. I always used to look at everything that was bad in my life and expect the worst of everything even when it was good. The best thing I would recommend is you talk to someone, a friend, a relative, someone you can trust and talk to in confidence. You can even talk us here at AMHD. Never bottle your feelings up and always speak up to someone when you are feeling low, insecure or just need some comfort. It allows you to feel happier, stronger, gain perspective on everything and function much better from day to day. Very simple, but very effective.

Krs · Mar 29, 2006, 07:26 AM

Does your man know what you are going through?
And how you are feeling?

kp2171 · Mar 29, 2006, 08:21 AM

I'd like to suggest finding firm ground before getting married.

A ring, a certificate, and a promise won't magically make things better. There are trials in marriage you simply don't foresee, even when you've been together for some time.

Concerning the jealousy about the prior gf: my wife went through that on a minor scale. The girlfriend I had before her was 5 years younger than me. My wife is 5 years older than me. She's generally a very secure, strong minded person, but I knew she was self conscious about my having dated the girl 10 years younger.

Also, the prior girlfriend was a bit wild, and I was visibly nuts about her. My wife knew me when I was dating her. So when we started dating after, I think she also had the impression that I just wasn't as in love with her. Well, I wasn't. I was just starting dating again. I knew I liked her, but its not like you just transfer the same intensity from one to another immediately. Also, my relationship with my wife is simply different. I don't act the same, but I love her like mad.

Last, concerning the snooping and making it hard, etc: you speak as if you think you do not deserve him, and you cannot imagine why he'll stay with you. This is the reason to seriously think about whether you are ready to be married.

I don't think a mild amount of "wow...can you believe they chose me" is necessarily bad. But when it drives you to be sick to your stomach or to violate the trust of your sig other or it makes you start fights for no real reason... that's not healthy for either of you.

My first girlfriend had some insecurities that let to fights and problems when things should have been just fine. We loved each other passionately, but we were young and just figuring things out. We eventually decided it was too hard and split up. She's been married happily at least 8 years now, I've been married happily 6.

I am in no way saying you should give up and walk away. If this guy really loves you and has stuck by even through the rough spots, it deserves a chance. But you're going to need to get to a place where you are more comfortable. You're going to need to give him a little room, as you know his going out without you from time to time is not a bad thing or disrespectful.

You know you need to. Whether you get grounding through help, through the development of new friendships or relationships through work, church, social groups... generally the happiest people have a strong social network. It may not be easy for you, but if you can channel your energy a little bit into building a life around you that isn't all about your fiancé, then perhaps it will be easier to accept he has a place in your life that isn't threatening, and you deserve the love he has for you.

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 08:23 AM

Krs, he knows how I feel and we've had a big fight about it (the fight was my fault) but we made up. He just kind of gives me a very sad look and sighs when I go off on one now...

DJ 'H' - I know he's not cheating, so I know I don't snoop for that reason. It's almost like I *want* to find something... It's like that 'car crash' mentality where you don't want to look, but you know you can't help it. And then if I do find anything, I feel sick, and then I feel numb.

I really need to stop doing this to myself, don't I? Easier said than done, that's all...

DJ 'H' · Mar 29, 2006, 08:29 AM

Originally Posted by Kohoutek

Krs, he knows how I feel and we've had a big fight about it (the fight was my fault) but we made up. He just kind of gives me a very sad look and sighs when I go off on one now....

DJ 'H' - I know he's not cheating, so I know I don't snoop for that reason. It's almost like I *want* to find something... It's like that 'car crash' mentality where you don't want to look, but you know you can't help it. And then if I do find anything, I feel sick, and then I feel numb.

I really need to stop doing this to myself, don't I? Easier said than done, that's all...

I totally here where you are coming from and it is easier said than done. Depression is a very horrible thing and makes you do really horrible things and it always effects the people you love. Have you been to the doc? He would recognise this symptoms straight away. Everything you have described is linked to this - having been through it I know. Recognising you have a problem is the first step - now you need to get some help. Going to the doc was the best thing I ever did. Have you been under a lot of stress?

Kohoutek · Mar 29, 2006, 08:48 AM

I went to the doctor when we first started going out because I was even worse then and it was really making me crazy. He said I was depressed and gave me everything from beta blockers to prozac over the course of 2 years. In the end I figured it was just making me worse (tired and breathing problems) so I started counselling instead through the bupa scheme at my last job. Like I say, it really helped but it seemed to wear off after a year or so! :(

KP2171 - I understand everything you're saying and I agree with it. I know getting married will never change the way I feel and it's something I need to deal with on my own. I do have a social scene, and he often jokes that his friends enjoy spending time with me more than they do him (he works shifts so I see a lot more of our friends than he does) but I'd just rather spend time with him... I know it's sad, but it's true.

DJ 'H' · Mar 29, 2006, 09:06 AM

Ummm... there are so many different techniques you can try - relaxation is the key. Do you ever give yourself time to relax? Do you ever do anything for yourself - like buyng clothes, getting your nails done, having your hair done. Sounds like you self esteem has been beaten and you lack seriousconfidence. Has anything ever happened in your life whnere you were left feeling betrayed, emabarrassed, small or insignificant? This could have been when you were a child a teenager or an adult? Any info you can give me will help me to help you.

s_cianci · Mar 29, 2006, 07:20 PM

Do you feel as though you have a legitimate reason to distrust him. Form the tone of your post I'm guessing no. Have you been burned in the past by someone you cared about? Have you ever sabotaged a previous relationship in a similar manner? You evidently have some type of insecurity that you need to work through. Have you considered seeing a therapist? You may need to in order to overcome whatever emotional obstacle makes you sabotage your relationship with you fiancé like this. You've got a serious trust issue to overcome and it sounds like professional help will be needed.