Check out some similar questions!

Sailorman · Jun 29, 2008, 08:28 PM

Should I be concerned about this? My wife says she has a "friend" who is a male she use to work with. They have been keeping in contact and he has a boat that he wants to take us on. In her cell phone he is listed by first initial and last name which I find strange. Also, she has deleted her call history with him on calls I know were made.
I had to listen to her talking with him for at least 15 minutes yesterday on her cell. Our relationship isn't perfect but is fairly solid. I don't know if I should be concerned or not. He is married as well.
The biggest thing that concerns me is we had a conversation a month ago where she said a male and female couldn't have a genuine friendship without one or the other feeling attracted to the other! I disagreed with her and now I feel like bringing this up with her.

N0help4u · Jun 29, 2008, 08:32 PM

She did say he invited 'us' so go too.

When you feel comfortable with bringing up the conversation bring it back up.

Don't be accusing but watch and see if there are any red flags to worry about before pushing her about stuff.

sokay · Jun 29, 2008, 08:47 PM

Hmm.. Yes, ask her about that 'opposite sex friends' topic, in relation to her male friend, not accusing, just lightheartedly. See how she reacts. Maybe she'll say, "I was wrong! We can be just platonic friends with no attraction".

JBeaucaire · Jun 30, 2008, 03:21 AM

Befriend him. You can't control her. You can't control him. You can inhabit their relationship, though.

Jealousy won't help you here, but awareness will. Get in there and make sure there are no ongoing ways in which this is guy would make a better choice for your wife over you. Getting to know him might reveal the source of the attraction, if there really is one.

BTW, you WANT a wife whose libido is still alive and kicking. Being attracted to other men is no more a sin than you being attracted to a beautiful woman. Attraction is nothing. But letting actions ensue IS THE SIN and should be stopped. But the energy that comes naturally from attractions and beauty in the world, as long as that energy comes home to you, good life, I say!

talaniman · Jun 30, 2008, 08:23 AM

I had to listen to her talking with him for at least 15 minutes yesterday on her cell.

What do you mean? Did you hear anything untoward in this conversation?

Sailorman · Jun 30, 2008, 09:05 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

What do you mean? Did you hear anything untoward in this conversation??

No but the body language was a little suspect. Why would she delete the call history in the phone? I would feel much more comfortable if it was all out and open.

N0help4u · Jun 30, 2008, 09:10 AM

She could be hiding stuff but as long as you have N0 proof then accusations could end a good marriage that you wish you could get back. How would you feel if you accused and she left over the accusations and it was later proven she hadn't done anything wrong?

talaniman · Jun 30, 2008, 09:15 AM

Why do I get the feelings your being set up?? Do you have female friends that she objects too??

Sailorman · Jun 30, 2008, 09:20 AM

No there is no reason for setup and no female friends she objects to.

talaniman · Jun 30, 2008, 09:47 AM

I think JB had the best idea, befriend him, and have a great time on his boat. Time will tell if you should be worried or not, and another thing, its one thing to be alert, and notice things, but its entirely different when you see ghosts everywhere. The things you see may have meaning, or they may be meaningless. The points is don't worry without facts.

talaniman · Jun 30, 2008, 09:48 AM

How long have you been married?? How old are you??

BMI · Jun 30, 2008, 10:12 AM

Hey Sailorman,

Why can't our women only speak to us eh??

I have a friend who makes special stops just to visit me when she is in town, she has a man and love's him silly. He asks about me (although we've never met) and I him, its cool.

What I'm saying is that we never like to find out that our girls do speak with other men. I think the advice above is very helpful in this regard. You see a lot has to do with the girl in the middle. If I were attracted to the girl in my story than I would know quite quickly that she is off limits by the way she speaks of him. The mere fact he invited you both is a strong indication he is just her friend. As for deleting calls, perhaps she just does not want to stir up trouble and knows you may take it in the wrong light.

There are also counter arguments to suggest she is up to know good but the advice of getting to know him is your best bet either way. I'm sure this guy is not doing cartwheels knowing his g/f is coming to town just for me but he knows that the best action is to be polite to me and perhaps come along if invited.

Synnen · Jun 30, 2008, 10:50 AM

My best friend is a guy. My husband isn't always thrilled about that, but I DO talk on the phone with my guy friend in front of my husband, so that my husband KNOWS what we're talking about, and doesn't sit and imagine steamy conversations. My best friend and I write IMs and emails back and forth all the time. I don't go out of my way to keep that stuff--I delete it when I get the urge to purge ALL of my mail. But--the rule in my house is that if it's up on the screen, you can read it. If it's IN my mail, you can't. That's not because there's anything in there he can't see--right NOW, anyway. But it's still MY mail, and there's no reason for him to be looking. He can trust me or not, but I'm NOT letting him see my email. There are private conversations in there, with some of my female friends as well, that happened when I was mad at him. My friends know my tone in emails, and totally get what I'm saying--but my husband does NOT, for some reason, catch my tone in an email. He always sees things in the worst possible way, and not the way I mean them to be--and the way my friends take it.

So... I'm not hiding anything from him, except words he doesn't need to hear anyway--and who has NOT had a session with a friend when mad at a significant other? Usually those friends are the ones that help us see sense and realize how stupid we're being to someone who really is perfect for us.

So essentially what I'm saying is that by all means bring up that conversation about attraction. Let it lead into a conversation about boundaries.

And definitely accept the invitation for the both of you.

MsMewiththat · Jun 30, 2008, 01:39 PM

My feelings are really mixed on the above comments. For the most part I find them to be harmless and good advice. However, I don't think you should concern yourself about whether this person is a" better choice for your wife over you". I think you should befriend the individual and see what this relationship is about. They may simply be a couple that your wife would like to associate with. Question: Is his wife also going on the boat? What I do understand is how it would bother you that she would converse so much with this individual. It doesn't mean that they are cheating or even attracted but I can understand your feelings.The more I think about this the more it troubles me. We know what problems it would cause if you were still associating by phone with an old female co-worker. I wouldn't be okay with my husband having conversations with female co-workers on the phone. What do they have in common?