[len21]

So me and my ex are considering getting back together. He broke up with me over 5 months ago after me not being the best girlfriend in the world, I took him for granted but realise my mistakes and am prepared to change a few things for him. We kept in contact the whole time we were broken up and eventually we spoke last week and decided maybe we should try again but now he is being strange he keeps saying how he won't be able to see me much and how it will be different this time and that he is second guessing it, I hate it cause I feel like I am walking on eggshells like he might change his mind at any second and I have never been that girl to sit around and wait for someone so I just keep thinking I should tell him that no we should not try again because obvioulsy he thinks it is to hard. At the same time he has just started a new job and is very busy all of the time and always tired so I can see that side of it too... I know the best decision would probably be to walk away right now before we get in to deep but as stupid as it sounds I want to make this work but realise I can't try to push him into it I also know we can't just jump back in, if we do get back together I know it has to go slowly!

So me and my ex are conisdering getting back together, well we pretty much actually are together. It is a strange feeling and we are both a bit freaked out, he has just started a new job and is very busy all the time and since we have decided to start seeing each other again I have not seen him very often and he does not contact me much either maybe just a text in the evening which has been weird esp cause when we used to be together we hardly spent anytime apart. Anyway I know it sounds stupid but it is making me feel insecure but I do realize it is a good thing to take it all slowly but I just feel like he is not making an effort and wonder why he wanted to try again if he is not even making an effort, now I don't know if I should just back off and let him be the one to contact me and make an effort to see me cause I am feeling like a stupid needy girl which I have never been before.. I hate that I am constantly feeling like he might change his mind I really know I should just walk away from him, but at the same time I do think maybe this time around we could be great together.. I am so confused, I guess I have to think of this as a whole new relationship in way as well and with a new relationships things do move slowly at the beginning.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

It sounds like he doesn't want this, and you are doubting whether it will work. Just don't do it.

[Ash123]

Sometimes what we want is not what we need.

You all might consider keeping space and avoid the awkward feeling you both feel by forcing it. Don't panic just let it go a bit longer - and see if it fades or you want to try again... If he is not the one, the good news is you had 5 months already to examine...

[ChihuahuaMomma]

How many relationship experts do we have on this site?

[Jackie D Star]

2, me and you baby :)

Just kidding.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

2, me and you baby :)

Just kidding.

Not appropriate.

[Distantlove]

How many relationship experts do we have on this site??

There's 5 relationship experts I think..

[JBeaucaire]

The problem with getting back with exes even if you think you've gotten better is it NOT human nature to change habits in a familiar setting. Things are MORE likely to revert back to their old ways than not.

But people DO change. When you learn something about being a "better girlfriend" because of what you did wrong with him, you're just MORE likely to successfully make those changes in a DIFFERENT relationship.

Your words "I took him for granted but realise my mistakes and am prepared to change a few things for him" are the problem. You need to change for yourself, not him. Change takes time, is usually uncomfortable and you have to give those changes time to "set". If you go back to the guy who inspired those changes, you may blame him for "controlling" you or "making you someone you're not"... you get the idea.

If those changes NEED to happen, your next guy can't be blamed for the pain that goes with getting used to those changes, so you own them better.

So, my recommendation is take getting back together with him just as slow as he suggests. I'm not sure it's a good idea at all, but if you can BE better and own your changes, you two can definitely benefit from them. Just don't punish each other more than necessary if it really won't work. It usually doesn't.

[ylaira]

Just to share what I learned, I said this in one of my posts... 1) Because I was a neglected child, I thought the best way to show that you care is being available at all times, But wrong. Being too much available is boring and your taken for granted. 2) I suck a lot of energy and my expectations is too high to a point I got him tired. 3) I need to be busy myself so I won't kill myself thinking about my man's whereabouts.. . Best of luck

[jpm247]

Hi Len,

your situation is very similar to my own at the moment. Me and my ex girlfriend, have just started hanging out together again, in the last 2 weeks or so. After being split up for 6months.

I definitely feel like you do, in that we used to be in contact all the time when we together, and now at least its more sporadic. I have been the one in the last 10 days or so to send an email whilst at work or a text on the weekend, saying when I was available and if she was to let me know and we can hang out. But I wouldn't hear anything from her. Then she would say how much she is looking forward to seeing me, but wouldn't offer a date to get together etc etc

it was really pissing me off yesterday. But we did see each other last night, as she popped round as we live close by, and things were OK, we haven't talked about stuff yet as I am trying to not get too involved again only to be hurt.

I've had look on a few webites and I have decided that as I know she is busy, and so am I, I am going to do my best not to get worked up over little things like un returned texts and emails, even though it annoys me, and try and take a chill and not be so pent up about things.

I guess its because I don't like not knowing what is going on, and in my mind if someone is interested in you, they would contact you most of the time etc etc.

but I figure if we are too readilly available all of the time then we cease to be of value to that person , i.e our exes or current partners. So I would suggest that you do your very best to stay busy, I know it isn't easy as I struggle to not think of her even when I am busy, but try your best, don't be too available. Why are diamonds valuable? Because they are scarce.

one thing I have learnt is that your suffering in a relationship is directly proportional to your input. If you are putting much more in than they are, then you will suffer more as you are not getting back as much as you put in.

try and get to be a 50 : 50 split. I'm going to adopt this strategy from now on, and if my ex isn't putting as much in as I am, then it probably won't be worth the mental auguish it causes me!

not sure if that helped, hope it does.

JPM

[katringette22]

In a way I know how you feel. I really like this guy and we firlt almost all the time, we spend every moment we could ( like 12 hours a day with each other as we lived across the street from each other. One day I got this feeling like he accally wanted to go out and then the next day I'm forgotten about... your right it is weird
He moved across the city and now I'm lucky to take to him once a week although if I had my way id talk to him all the time... hes not making an effort to talk to me so I'm not either... we can only try so hard

[len21]

You are toatally right JPM and I guess we just need to go on with our lives as they were when we were single, it is strange though because I guess it felt like it might just go back to how it was when we were together 5 months ago but at the same time I don't want it to be the same as before because obviously it didn't work and that is why it ended in the first place. I always wanted him to go out and have his own life, friends etc and not depend on me for everything and now he is doing that it is freaking me out and making me into some weird clingy girl! He still says he wants us to try again even though he doesn't really make any effort to see me.

I guess I should just let him do his thing and not push for anything more at the moment, but at the same time I don't want to be that girl waiting around for something that might not even work out, esp when there are other guys out there who keep on asking me out and would actually make an effort with me...

I am good at keeping myself busy though so I just need to keep up with my crazy social life and not let thoughts of him take over my fun times!

[talaniman]

You expect so much, but have to be able to not only talk, but listen. And that takes a lot of PATIENCE, and some realistic honesty, on your part. For sure what came between you at first, if not dealt with properly, will be back again.