[Skeeney1]

I became the "godmother" to this child simply by looking at her picture and commenting on how I would "take her home and keep her forever" (I was joking). The next day her mother called to find out when I wanted her to drop her off. I assumed it would be a one or two time thing... it wasn't. I have had that child at least 5 days per week, since she was 6 months old... she's 2 1/2 now. Her mother is 22 with 3 kids, father 22 with 4 kids and no job, and there is a family history of domestic violence in the home (towards each other), but she keeps allowing him to move back in. The last time it happened, he threw something at her but missed, and it hit one of the kids by mistake... the police were called, and supposedly Children's Services is getting involved as well. It is just a bad situation. In all honesty, her Mother would let me keep her in a second, she just doesn't want to lose her Government assistance... in the meantime, I am a single Mom trying to raise 3 (now) kids, and that little bit of help would sure come in handy. The mother states if they take the kids from her she would want her to go to me... but her family benefits financially from the Government, for "babysitting" the kids, while I have this little girl 80% of the time. She is the love of my life, and my family has accepted her as part of the family... she spends every holiday with us, and it would kill us all if something happened and we never got to see her again. Not to mention, that I am the only real mother figure she has ever known in her life... what do I do?:(

[N0help4u]

If she is with you 80% of the time how is her family benefiting by babysitting?
Sounds like they are fraudulently reporting babysitting when they aren't.

If Child Services is going to take the kids then it sounds like her family or you would get her.
The mother says she wants her to go to you that should carry some weight. Make it a point to let Child Services know you DO want her if she is taken off her

[MOWERMAN2468]

Children services needs to be contacted again. Call them up and ask for them to check up on the children again.

And just because the mother said she wants you to have the child doesn't mean you will get her.

And if it ever gets to the point of adopting the child, remember you have to have the sperm donors rights removed also. The reason I say "sperm donor" and not father is because if there are seven kids in the home, he should have thought about having to support them all before becoming the "sperm donor".

[startover22]

I agree with all of the above. You, since you have had her 80% of the time should be on the "list" of people to call when and if they do get taken away. These kids are in danger, you may need to make that call one more time the state to get them involved again. I notice with "helpers" like us, we are always concerned with "is the parent going to be ok" you know what, WHO CARES, in this case, she is going to be able to take care of herself, but it is obvious she can't take care of her children. Who cares if she gets money from the state anymore, you need it if you are taking good care of her and she needs it for clothes and food, etc...
She may be pushed into getting a job and working towards being self sufficient if her kids are taken... and remember that if her kids are taken, she may have a year to get them back. If you were to take this child on with all of the sates benefits to being a foster mother and family, would you be willing to let her go with in a years time, even if you didn't see that she was as fit as you? That is the hardest part, our standards are so much different from the states. You really need to ask yourself that one very hard question. I want you to just remember that in some cases it is best to be there for her if you can, even though you go above and beyond the call of duty, she is still the guardian and mother, until these kids are taken from her, you have no rights. I also want to point out one more time that if the kids do go in the system, sometimes the mom (or dad) has a whole year to get her crap together and herself in order to be a good safe parent. I wish you , your family and the little girls family all the luck and best wishes... ;)

[MOWERMAN2468]

Agrees: Precisely, who cares about the mother

Hmm, somehow I hit something during my rating and lost my place and couldn't finish the sentence. So here it is:
... she needs to get a job and let ME quit supporting all their children. I have three of my own to support.

[startover22]

Skeeny... would you mind letting us know how it all goes? I wish you all the best!

[liz28]

They said that men who don't care of the child that they help made are deadbeats, sperm donors, but what happens to a women who can carry a child for 9 months and don't give a damn. When I had my child it make me look at things different and I vow to always look at for her best interests and do my best to protect her with harm and I had my daughter at 17 while I was in my second year at college.

Maybe she has not grown up and have 3 kids and a guy with 4 and there's domestic issues. I think your great for already being a mom and taking on another with unconditional love. I bet you make a real impact of her life and I hopes she appreicate it when she gets older and its great your family accepts her as well.

I think you should find a way to make this stay 100% instead of 80%. The mother needs counseling and birth control to help her stop having kids she can take care of. Maybe you should contact court or social services to find out what you could do to make it permanent. The child deserves a stable house. Its just sad that this child is safe with you but what about the other kids at home. Contact social service because the outcome might not be good and do it at least for the kids because they deserve to be safe and be treated well. Both of these adult are deadbeats and its sad that the kids have to suffer.

[Skeeney1]

OK, well... you wanted to know what happened, so here goes, so far. The little girl's Mom told me that CSB had contacted her and were coming out for a home visit the next day. I waited a week and when I didn't hear from her what the outcome was, I took your advice and called them myself (as a nurse I am required by law to report suspected abuse/neglect anyways), and made a report. Funny thing is... this woman was almost rude to me, like I was trying to "steal" this little girl away from her Mom. She seemed to think that the routine drug use was no big deal, as when I told her the ashtray was full of "roaches", she informed me that they don't take children away from their REAL parents for that. She stated that she had informed the mother that she would need to see this little girl, and the Mom told her I was going to be bringing her home "this week"... I have had her fulltime since the end of May, and prior to that I have had her at least 5 days a week every week since she was 6 months old, and at NO TIME does her mother come see her or even call to see how she is. They are opening a case, and providing the mother with additional services (counseling for battered woman syndrome, etc.), as she is playing the victim... even though I can tell you that the mother and father both were physically aggressive towards each other. The mother is getting lots of advise from her family and friends, and it kills me that at no time is what is best for this baby at the top of their priority list... it is all about how NOT to lose her benefits, and trust me they are all profiting from them. She has never given me so much as a diaper, milk, cereal, NOTHING... they look at it as I am a rich, white nurse who can afford to take on this financial responsibility. I don't know of ANY single mother's who are well-off enough for this to not be a bit of a struggle... but this is a struggle that I would gladly go through again and again every time I walk through the door from work, and she runs to greet her "May May!" It just kills me though when I think about the very real possibility that CSB is going to tell her that in order to keep her benefits, she is going to have to start (after 2years with me) raising her own child, and what will become of her. Any ideas?

[N0help4u]

Unfortunately I have seen that a lot... where they go out of their way to provide services for drug addict parents to keep their kids. Then people who do not deserve to lose their kids they take them off them. It does seem like they do base some of it on which way they will get more money into the system and be able to say 'look we took this family from abusive drug family and made them functional again even though the parents are still drug addicts and dysfunctional. Hope you can prove everything and win

[liz28]

CSB will do everything to keep the family together unless the mother don't comply. Once the mother stop doing as ordered, then she would take what you say more serious. Even if she got no food in the house or clothes for her kids they would help her by giving her a special grant for both. The child can be removed only if the mother pose a threat to herself or kids, she places them in danger, abuse, purposely neglect her kids, or like I stated early she does not comply. There are only are reasons but these come to mind. My aunt is an supervisor for child protective service and she too hate this, but sometimes it works or don't. Also, watch what you say because the worker might repeat it to the parent and cause problems and most likely she documented what you said, but probably twisted your words and have you down as wanting to take the child, if she's thorough. If anything you can get a lawyer that specialize in these matters. My aunt hate the rules but she must follow them and if anything wait for a slip.
Also, in case needed, I hope you saved every receipt for everything you ever brought for her. This way you can prove your case on the roled you played in her life. I hope everything work out well for her daughter and other kids because their best interests and needs should come first. When would the courts or agency make tougher rules for parents that don't take care or make their children their first priority.

[N0help4u]

Those are the only reasons they are SUPPOSE to take kids BUT they DO play games and take and keep kids off parents or give them back to families that should not have them back.

[liz28]

I have been a foster parent and had a child where the mother wa an addict. The mother had supervised visits and was doing well at first, then she stop complying with what she was suppose to do. Last story short, after her third chance she straighten out and I'm glad to report that she is doing better then fine because we regularly keep in touch.

Most cases it depends on how extreme the condition was before the child is taken away permanently and it also depends on the judge at the hearing and the case worker. A lot of case workers don't care about the child and sadly to say some judges too. I know if judges was like Judge Judy it'll be different because she was a tough family judge and feared by most who walked in her courts.

There have been slips where the child was returned because the system has many flaws which work out in the favor of the mother. Sometimes when this happens and the child is replaced with the mother and something bad happens, they look for someone to blame because then everyone is pointing the finger at each other.

[N0help4u]

Her case so far doesn't sound like extreme case.
It sounds more like an out to get her case similar to what they did to me for years.

[Skeeney1]

I could tell you 100 reasons this child is unsafe living with her parents, but the bottom line is, any mother that would hand their 6 month old baby over to a virtual stranger, and allow them to raise her 5 days out of 7, every week of every month, for 2 1/2 years, that has spent every Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthday with this "stranger"... not to mention the periods where (1.) "she is gettin on my nerves" 2.) "her Daddy and I are fightin again" 3.) "my Grandpa died" 4.) "my doctor put me on bedrest for the next 12 weeks") so Mom just can't deal, so I have her for 6-12 weeks straight without even one phone call from her Mom to see how she is (in fact the one and only time I didn't take her because I was sick... her mother was mad and called everyday to see when I was going to be well enough to come and get her!), is showing less than an interest in raising her own child. All I want is what is best for this little girl that I have grown to love... if that's with me, great. But if her Mom straightened her life out and actually acted like she wanted to be a mother to this little girl, I would be fine with that too. An "out to get her case"? At my age the LAST thing in the world I was looking for was another mouth to feed on my own... and if I did, I could have had a baby of my own, but somehow this is the hand life dealt me, so I'm doing my best to do right by this little girl. Don't think that at some point it hasn't crossed my mind as to whether this was fair to her. Whether I should just say no to taking her with me anymore, because I didn't want to confuse her. But is it better for her to believe that NO ONE gives a , or that she knows that (even if someday I am not allowed to see her ) there was someone who thought she was "the best little girl in the whole world"?

[startover22]

Skeeny, I know you are frustrated. I am sorry for that little girl. I sure hope you can stay "with" her through this troublesome time. I know how hard it is to have to deal with all the "balonga" but, for the child, having you around is like having a tablespoon of sugar on her bland cereal. I appreciate what you have and know you will do for her if you can. As far as the case worker goes, the truth of the matter is, she has to do everything in her power to see that the child and mother ARE NOT going to be able to be with each other before she can take any other steps. She can't tell you that she would rather that child be with you... although she may be thinking it. No matter what it may look like, if the mother doesn't get her cra[p together, you will be called upon. Stay good with the family and the state so you have that opportunity;) Good luck Skeeny! And my thoguhts are with your family and the girls family!

[ldyastrid]

You having the child full time since May (not even counting the rest of the time that you had her the majority of the time)... mom is receiving benefits for her child that she doesn't care for... that's fraud. Is the child better off with you? Definitely. Social Services has their hands tied loose enough to only do so much. It's frustrating as all get out - not only for you, but for them as well. It takes a LONG time to have enough information/evidence to take a child from a bio parent... but since in the true sense of the word, you are her parent and she hasn't really bonded with mom, this may be a different case. Express your concerns with a social worker. The child has a bond with you and your family... removing her from YOU may be destructive to the child. Ask them what to do? Instead of insisting they do something - ask them what you can do for her since she only goes home when mom needs to show that she "has" her kids to keep her benefits... the bond is NOT there.

It's not a perfect system... my grandson was being neglected and abused for months - and had a case worker... all injuries were "accidents" - it just about killed me... we had him from Friday through Sunday every week from the time he was 2 months old - I was constantly talking to the social worker and calling crisis with situations... finally when he was 9 months old, she dropped him off at the day care center sick, since the emergency contacts she listed had disconnected phone numbers (she had taken me off the emergency contact list because she was mad at me around Christmas and never put me back on) and she wasn't due back till later in the afternoon, they gave him to me to take to the doctor (ear infection)... and when she did show up and they told her her son was detained, the first thing out of her mouth was "NOW what am I going to do for money?" She never did ask what was wrong with him or how he was. She's had supervised visitation since a month after they took him from her, my son is in prison - that's a whole nother story. We are going through the process of terminating her parental rights so we can adopt him - we got our foster care license during this process to make the adoption go through faster - our son voluntarily gave up his rights, she wants a jury trial. He turned 2 in July and is the happiest little guy in the world. Frustrating? You betcha... but his happiness is worth any frustration I have to go through... just like you.

Keep your chin up... document EVERYTHING... and make sure social services knows that you have been the primary care giver... have you been taking her to doctor appointments? Getting a statement from the doc office that you were the one taking her in for her check-ups/vaccinations, etc may be beneficial for you as well.

[Alty]

I don't know the law, but couldn't you charge the mother with abandonement? I would think that's something to check in to, especially if you can prove that the child is with you the majority of the time. From here on out keep a diary documenting everything.

On a personal note, I think that what you are doing is wonderful. This little girl has and know love because of you, she is so lucky to have you in her life. It would be a wonderful world if things worked out the way they should, it's not a wonderful world. It's sad that the higher ups think more about the parents of this child then they do the actual child.

Don't give up. Give that little girl a big hug from all of us, let her know that she is worth all the trouble you may have to go through. As for you, a big hug from me, you've made this world a better place because you care.

Keep us updated please, I know that we all want to know what happens. I'm crossing my fingers that this time good will win over bad.

[Skeeney1]

Well... here is the latest update. We are back to our previous schedule of me having her from Thursday after I get off work, to Tuesday morning I drop her off with her mother before I go to work. She DID however offer to "babysit" for me Monday through Friday while I worked, so I could have her all week too. My attempts to reason with the Mom, and try to get her too see what was in the best interest of the child were pointless... she totally missed the point. This is how she was raised, so she sees nothing wrong with it. In her mind, she "ain't no crack ho" so why would she want to sign her daughter over to me... keep in mind that she would be OK with me keeping her 24/7, she just doesn't want to do it legally. Things may be changing though, she has a new boyfriend, and he is not interested in playing Daddy to 3 kids that aren't his, and since she has a new b/f, the kid's Dad isn't too keen on "babysitting" anymore either. She also lost her job for absenteeism (even though she had dropped down to only every other weekend), and the father of her oldest is getting out of prison in a couple months and she has decided that he needs to "bond" with the oldest for 5 or 6 months. On top of all this... she is moving (yet again), and she just "can't deal with all this stress", so she asked if I would be able to take her for awhile (usually means 2-3 months) till all this drama has blown over. When I asked her caseworker what the possibility is that I could 1.) get a copy of her medical card, so I can authorize treatment if she is ever injured/ill at my house, and 2.) get some coupons for at least some milk and juice... I was informed that as an agency, they do everything they can to keep families together, and that they "don't appreciate white do-gooders" like myself interfering, and who did I think I was Angelina Jolie or something. NO ONE has ever had a problem with me being white this whole time, so at this point I am frustrated... so I say "interfering? Are you kidding me? I didn't ask for this... it was THRUST upon me, so I stepped to the plate. All I am trying to do is make sure this little girl gets what she deserves out of life, and since you won't let ME do it, then I am going to use every resource at my disposal to insure that you do your job, and force her mother to do it.
For all of you who have given me sound advice, and been supportive... I thank you. You will never know how much you have helped, and how much I appreciate it.

[startover22]

Sorry you have to endure it Skeeney! Keep up the good work, and help if you can. I know it's tough, I have a feeling you can do it! Be strong and teach good things. Thank goodness she has you...

As for the food and supplies you may need, is there a church organization or a food bank you may be able to state your case to? They may have other options to refer you too as well. How old are your children again? You could very well be able to get on WIC.

[Skeeney1]

Me get WIC?. no, my "natural born" children are 20, and 23.