[startover22]

Sorry, I must have misunderstood.
Have you tried any of your local agencies, like the Churches?

[ldyastrid]

Perhaps asking the mother for a copy of the medical card (as well as a note saying that you are authorized to sign for treatment should anything happen to the child - I do that / have done that every time I've gone out of town and my kids were left with my sister)

You should know who her doctor is too - since, for all practical purposes, you are the primary care giver, you should have the information or at least access to it! What if - for instance - mom was unavailable and the child needed medical attention? Would she rather any treatment wait until you could get a hold of her? If she were not available and you had no way of contacting her in an emergency, that is abandonment (that's how we got custody of our Grandson)...

Just a thought.

Best of luck - my thoughts and prayers are with you!

[startover22]

Hi Skeeney, how are you doing, can you bring us up to date with what is happening?;) Hope all is well!

[charleneskii]

I became the "godmother" to this child simply by looking at her picture and commenting on how I would "take her home and keep her forever" (I was joking). The next day her mother called to find out when I wanted her to drop her off. I assumed it would be a one or two time thing...it wasn't. I have had that child at least 5 days per week, since she was 6 months old...she's 2 1/2 now. Her mother is 22 with 3 kids, father 22 with 4 kids and no job, and there is a family history of domestic violence in the home (towards each other), but she keeps allowing him to move back in. The last time it happened, he threw something at her but missed, and it hit one of the kids by mistake...the police were called, and supposedly Children's Services is getting involved as well. It is just a bad situation. In all honesty, her Mother would let me keep her in a second, she just doesn't want to lose her Government assistance...in the meantime, I am a single Mom trying to raise 3 (now) kids, and that little bit of help would sure come in handy. The mother states if they take the kids from her she would want her to go to me...but her family benefits financially from the Government, for "babysitting" the kids, while I have this little girl 80% of the time. She is the love of my life, and my family has accepted her as part of the family...she spends every holiday with us, and it would kill us all if something happened and we never got to see her again. Not to mention, that I am the only real mother figure she has ever known in her life....what do I do?:(

Call Family Services & she if you qualify for the child. You will have to register to become a foster mother but if you do you will get financial help from the state.

[Skeeney1]

Well... the last time I took her home to stay with her mother, "Mom" told me that she had "been thinkin about signing her over temporarily for 6 months, to see how it goes." It appears that everything is catching up to her... the state stopped paying her mother for babysitting, since the kids' Mom isn't working, so since she isn't getting paid, Grandma won't babysit at all. She is havinb trouble finding a new job, between her background check and attendance problems. One of her "advisors" told her to file for unemployment, so she asked me about it and I told her that if her workplace fought it (and I know they will), and she is found to have been terminated for good cause, she might have to pay all that back... she says that "that must be what they're talking about, because they told me that the last place I worked and got fired from fought my unemployment. I never went to the hearing, but they told me that if I filed for it again, my first 4 checks would go to pay them back." And now that she has this new boyfriend (who told her he doesn't really like being around her kids all the time... if he wantred to be around a bunch of kids all the time, he'd go see his own) around the house all the time, the kid's father won't babysit and help her out like he used to. As a matter of fact, I got a call from her this morning, telling me to start looking for full-time daycare, because she was sending the baby to live with me for awhile. Life is not going so well for her right now... so she is ready to ship all her kids off. When you abuse the system... it's bound to catch up to you, and it did in a BIG way. I do feel bad for her though, I don't think she is a bad person... it's just that we learn how to parent from our mother's and fathers, and when she was a little girl, her father was in prison, and her mother was out looking for a new man... so this girl never stood a chance. I hope what little bit I can do for this baby, stops this cycle, and she learns that there are honest ways to get by in life. She's a treasure... and she deserves more.

[startover22]

So Skeeney, does this mean she may sign over rights to you?

[Skeeney1]

That's what she implied... but I'm not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

[startover22]

Do you get to be with her right now, or are you waiting for her to "burn out"??

[Skeeney1]

I stopped keeping her 5 days a week, and dropped down to taking her only on weekends. Right after that, is when "Mom" lost her job, her car got repo'd, the kid's Dad moved out, etc. It only took a couple weeks, before she brought up the temporary custody thing... but as I said, I'm not holding my breath. She has so many people, who have a financially vested interest in her children, who advise her... I have learned not to count on anything.

[startover22]

You sound down, I am sorry to hear it. I hope she comes to her senses... I really do, for the kids sake and yours!

[Skeeney1]

Thanks for all your support... it means a lot.

[startover22]

Aww, gosh, I just think about you and want to know how things are going. I sure do wish she would come to her senses... even if it is just to let you have her..

[Skeeney1]

Well I thought I would update everyone... this is starting to feel like a bad Jerry Springer episode. Anyhow things have been running along OK, till this weekend. I should preface this, with the fact that the person who got this little girl's Mom hired where I work, is also a friend of Grandma's. She also benefits financially from the situation. "Mom" lets her use her WIC card, and claim the youngest child on her income taxes... a"benefit" that was never afforded to me. Additionally this person doesn't like white people... and resents me very much. To make a long story short, she sat next to me during my lunch break, and asked me if I had met "Mom's" new b/f. I guess I assumed she knew all about him, so I answered "yea...he came to the door this morning, when I dropped the baby off." She went back to "mom" and told her I was "telling everybody her personal business" in the breakroom. To make a long story short, as a punishment, "mom" has now decided that I can't see the baby anymore. My family and I are obviously devastated, but worse than that... I can only imagine what the baby thinks. I'm sure she thinks I have just forgotten about her, and the sad thing is... since I'm not a biological relative, there is NOTHING I can do! Of course "Mom" wanted me to box her things up and give them to her... I told her I would hold onto them till she was older, and then if she still remembered me, maybe she would want to come see me, and get them herself. In the back of mind, I always knew that this day might come, but I hoped that she loved her child enough not to put her through this... never overestimate the integrity and intelligence of another human being!

[startover22]

I am sorry to hear this. Maybe just maybe you can write mom a personal loving letter about all the good things you see in her and her kids. Be as positive as you can... give what you don't think you should until she sees the angel in you that you really are. Hugs and love... and lets hope she gets her head on straight. If she doesn't then Skeeny, you have to let go... and focus on your family;) I am sorry. I have been wondering how you are and how things are going. Thanks for coming back to let us in.

[Skeeney1]

I am beginning to think it is time to give up... it would be much easier on me, and maybe in the end, on the child as well. Maybe it's better for her not to know that there is a whole other world out there, where you can do and be whatever you want. Maybe it was wrong of me to fill her head fulls of hope for the future. I can tell you that I have learned a lot. 1.) one person can NOT make a difference in the world 2.) when push came to shove, I was just some dumb white woman who was stupid enough to "babysit" for free for 3 years, and 3.) as much as people say they want to bridge the gap between blacks and whites... deep down, that's not true. Because no matter how pure your intentions are, or your love for that child... people of color still question your every move. I've been called everything from "Angelina Jolie", to a "white do-gooder." Call me bitter... or call it a hard lesson in life.

[startover22]

1) One person can make a difference in this world one person at a time.
2) When push came to shove, you did in your heart what you knew was right. I certainly respect you for it. It takes a lot of patience and courage to do what you were doing.
3) Now you just sound whiny. You are dealing with ignorant people here, I see how you can get have this reaction. YOU are a person... and so are they, in the end it just doesn't matter if you are purple;)
Listen Skeeny, I know this is hard for you. AND you sound angry... just keep letting it all out and it will help a little. I am here for you, and I wish you the best. I respect what you are.

[Skeeney1]

I just don't understand... when NO ONE (not even her own family) else would help this girl, I bent over backwards to do whatever I could for her. Not one time did I ask for anything in return. Not one time have I benefitted from her government assistance. Like I said, this situation is NOT something I sought out... she pushed for this, and now out of the blue she would allow her child to be used as a pawn to hurt me by the very people who will only help her out if there is something "in it" for them. But in the end, it is the child who ends up getting punished... because she has no way of knowing that she didn't DO anything wrong to make me not want to see her, or make me not love her anymore. Whiny? You bet I was whiny... now I'm just mad. How do I do what's best for this child? It's hard for me to know anymore. More than one of the many people I work with who know the situation, have told me to get an attorney (including our house Doctor), but at the time I didn't want to create animosity between her mother and I... now I'm not sure if I care anymore.

[startover22]

You can't have it the whole way around... until she stops being so gosh darn ignorant.
Listen, are you worried about her or the child? If you are worried about the child, then do what you think is best. If this is about wanting to stay friends and still be able to get the child, I doubt that will happen in this case. Skeeny, I wasn't trying to put you down, and I know these are real feelings, real thoughts and real things that are happening to you.

There comes a time where we need to make a choice. A right or wrong choice. I suggest to you to get a notebook out, write the reasons you want to stay involved in this and what GOOD it could do if you did. Then I want you to do the opposite and write down why you shouldn't and what bad comes out of it. When you write it or even type it, you seem to get a clear view of what is really going on. I know you love this girl, I know you do. Yu also need to remember that you have your family to look out for and having a bunch of drama mixed into it is just not good for them. Hugs

[Skeeney1]

Let me make one thing clear... I was NEVER a friend of her mother's. Probably the first two weekend I had her, were as a favor to her mother, to give her a break. Sure I tried to make nice with her mother... it was just a whole lot easier at the time. After that, it was always all about the baby and what was in her best interest. I look at her and I marvel at what a beautiful little gift from God she is... she's adorable, has a wonderful sense of humor, and she's so smart. She has SO much potential... IF she is nurtured. It makes me almost nauseous to take her home... because I know that there, no one will read to her, no one will sing to her, no one will rock her to sleep. The is nothing nurturing about the environment she lives in with her mother. I want to show her that the world is open to possibilities for her future, but I have often pondered whether it is kinder to her, to just allow her to hope for nothing more than what she already has in life. The burden weighed upon me, till a posting from this very site (maybe even you) explained it to me in terms I could understand. They said "think of it this way...every moment she spends with you is like a sprinkle of sugar on the bland life she has been handed," and it all came crystal clear. As far as I am concerned, nothing but good things could come from me fighting for her... I want her to know that I would never give up on her. That there is at least one person in her corner... how can that ever be wrong?

[startover22]

YOu are wonderful. It isn't wrong. I am trying to look out for your heart is all. Her heart has a home, it just isn't a very good one.
When we fostered a few boys, they were 4,5, and 7. I knew I would never ever be able to be pleased with where they had to go back to as home. I knew that, but there is nothing like a mother and son or mother and daughter to go back to. So my little thing that keeps running through my mind for you is that , you will never be happy with where that little girl is. BECAUSE you know you could do it better. Your way, your better. So sweet Skeeny, like I said it is up to you and you know you have to listen to your heart and mind to configure everything right;) You going to make it through? I know this is so tough.