[aqua@home]

I don't know where to start...

I am wondering when behavior becomes abusive. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and I don't know if I am in an abusive relationship. I'm not even sure I want to know.

We met in highshcool and shortly after I became pregnant, 3 months to be exact. He dislikes most women including those in his family. Most of his friends are older because he can at least "learn something from them". I feel as though I should tell you that we both come from broken homes but they were VERY different. He is a very black-and-white person, things are very simple for him, he calls it like it is. Years ago, he would throw things, break things, punch holes in walls, etc. He has never really been physically abusive. He has driven like a total idiot and that is one of my biggest fears. The last time this happened even he doesn't know what set him off. He has one of these episodes about once a year versus, once a month before. I can't tell if things are improving because he is maturing, etc. or if I now know how to avoid those situations better. When we argue, I tell him what he wants so the arguing will stop. I don't want him to get to the point he used to. He sometimes says things like "you're not stupid, think!" or "shut your mouth". Keep in mind that this happens only a few times a year. I can almost predict when it's going to happen. We talk about other's relationships and he says "if you ever thought I was cheating, this relationship would be over", I do trust him. I had a hard time earlier in our relationship because my dad was a cheater. I have changed, shouldn't I think he has too? It does happen less. He didn't want to get married, I think because of his own family's experience. We did get married and now he says he will never get a divorce. Even if he wanted one. He says " you would be buried in the backyard". He has said this often and he is serious. So serious that it doesn't even bother him to tell others.

I am choosey as to our conversations, depending on his mood. Lately I have had to say "that's not what I meant" a lot. He misinterprets what I am saying all of the time. He says there shouldn't be room for interpretation and that I should just say what I mean. I thought I was. He is gone with work a lot but he has been known to scream at me over the phone and hang up on me. I am afraid to do the same. He might not call me for days and I don't want that. We have 5 children and we agree that I should be at home with them until the littlest is in school. I am afraid of when that time comes because right now, he calls, asks me to do things for him and I do it. Right now he has all of my attention. He comes even before the kids most of the time. If I forget something he has asked me to do he is not exactly happy. I am always scared he is going to get mad. It doesn't matter what it is, if I think he will not be happy, I don't do it. I will do anything to avoid making him angry. He has never been physically abusive. He shoved me once about 7 years ago. This doesn't mean it will lead to physical abuse does it. I could go on and on about our relationship but I will cut it short now.

He has somewhat pressured me into sex and said things like sex is part of marriage and if you don't have it that is grounds for divorce. Let's remember that he isn't getting divorced. Pressure to have sex might be normal, I DON'T KNOW. I am totally willing to have sex. I want him to be happy too.

I don't have a good model from my childhood. I was abused as a child and have experienced revictimization. I don't know if this helps or not but I thought I would add that. I hope this all makes sense. I just need to know if this is a normal relationship where it's not good all the time, or if there is a problem here. I do understand that he has a lot of responsibility that falls on him. I should say, he is a wonderful man the most of the time.

Thank you for your time.

If this does NOT go to my email then I would appreciate any answers anytime. If it does go to the email then I need any responses by Sunday. I don't want him to see them. Sorry I'm new here and I am sure if this goes to my email or not. Thanks.

:)

[sarah11282]

First of all if he pressured you to have sex with him, that is rape. It does not matter if you are married. It is still rape.

My friend was in a relationship like this once, they are broken up now and only stayed together for 2 years but it was the same kind of thing.

This man sounds like he is controlling you, and you sound like you are scared of him. To me this is a pretty serious problem. I mean you cannot act like yourself within this relationship. Its like you lose your identity when you are with him and you have to pretend that you agree with everything he says, and it sounds like you won't disagree with him because you are scared.

I don't want to give too much advice on this as it sounds pretty serious to me, and I really would not have the knowelge.

But regarding my friend who had a partner that sounds a bit like yours, one night he went crazy and he nearly hit her. And then he admitted to himself that he had a problem, and then agreed to go to counseling which did help him.

But I am not sure if he was to the extreme of your partner. Would your husband admit he has a problem. I think that he is seriously abusing you, even if it is not psychical.

Would he get some help for his problem?

[Wildcat21]

Yes, yes, yes. It is abuse.

No one should be presured into sex - ever.

I might advise marriage counseling for both of you. A good counseler would strighten out a lot of your questions.

[Fr_Chuck]

He has used violence, punching holes in walls and throwing things ( this is not normal regualar people don't do stuff like that) He has made you afraid and scared of what he might do.

He has you scared to say what you feel or act like you want to.

You are living life to make him happy and suit him, not an equal partnership. He may not divorce you, but you could most certainly divorce him if he likes it or not.

Next a husband can not force a wife to have sex, if he does it using force, that is assault and rape, if he merely does it though threat of force, it is rape.

You need to get him to go to counseling with you ( but I doubt he will)


And why are you scared to yell back, would you not be better off if he did not call every day. I think you would be a lot better off if he hardly ever called if he acts like that.

You need to tell him or write him a letter telling him exactly how you feel and what is wrong with his behavior, if he knocks a hole in the wall, call the police, a night in jail may make him decide talking it over is easier.

He believes you are too scared to ever do anything, so he believes he can get away with anything and it most likely will only get worst

[s_cianci]

It sounds like you are constantly walking on eggshells. That being the case, then yes I'd call his behavior abusive. It's unfortunate that you did not have a good role model to grow up with and no doubt that your life now is replaying a lot of scenes from your childhood. Although you may be uncomfortable with such behavior, it is familiar to you and no doubt explains why you've inadvertently set yourself up to reexperience it in your adulthood. Such behavior, whether in a relationship or in any other context, is not normal and shouldn't be tolerated. It sounds like both you and your husband could benefit from some type of therapy. You may each want to get referrals to a psychiatrist who'll recommend a regimen of counseling and therapy to deal with the emotional issues that you are presently coping with.

[talaniman]

You are in an abusive relationship and you should seek help for yourself! If your afraid of what your husband will say or do then get the help you need on your own whether he goes with you or not!:cool:

[fredg]

Hi, aqua,
Thirteen years is a very long time to be in this abusive type of relationship, and with 5 kids! The kids are the ones growing up in this environment, and have a good chance of having the same childhood as you described!
You already have some excellent answers.
I am 64 yrs old, married the second time now for 29 years. My first marriage lasted only 7 yrs, with two small boys, and at that time, our fighting could be seen in the boys, also. They began using the same words, same sentences, and were being afftected in a very negative way.
I, too, seriously doubt your husband will go for counseling. Abusive people are sometimes, very hard to admit they have a problem.
You need help, from a Counselor, maybe a Marriage Counselor. If that doesn't turn out helping, then I would talk with a Lawyer, see what your options are.
I do wish you the best, and I do agree with the comment about Abusive People, most of the time, only get worse!

[aqua@home]

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your advice and opinions. I have to say that the first few responses nearly made me sick. I was not really ready for the advice. Non-the-less I have learned that people like a little feed back so I thought I would give it. I have started counselling and things will just have to be for now. I have enjoyed being part of this and I have learned a lot from some of your posts. Thank you. You seem to have a great group of people using this forum. I figured out how to get it so this doesn't go to my email so I don't have to worry. It feels so good to not feel you are being judged one way or the other. Just have people's opinions which you can take or leave. Just thought I'd let you all know. Thanks.

[Wildcat21]

Hi Aqua, Glad you have gone to counseling.

No one should go through what you have gone thorough. A lot of times we make excuses for the people we are with. No one should tolerate or be in abusive relationship.

We're hear to listen, we don't know all the details - but we will listen. Please keep us updated. Thanks.

[sweetface]

Hi Aqua,

Your situation is quite tragic!! Please think of your children. They see and hear all that goes on with you and your husband. They are destined to repeat the cycle, just as you and your husband are repeating the cycle. To break this cycle of abuse, you must get help for yourself first. Once you have built up yourself esteem enough you will have the courage to stand up to your husband, and let him know how you truly feel. You can let him know that the behavior that he displays is unacceptable, and intolerable. He needs to think about his children. If you have boys, they watch their dad in everything that he does, and they will feel that this is acceptable behavior in a marriage, and go into life with that attitude. If you have girls, they will think that it is OK for a man to treat a woman this way since their dad treated their mom this way. You must break the cycle!!
Good luck to you!!

[milliec]

I'd like to add to the above:
I think the "forced sex" (= rape) situation is a mixed emotional and physical abuse.
you're under constant emotional abuse (the "walking on eggshells" situation) - emotional abuse doesn't leave physical scars, but scars the soul - this is the worst kind of terror.
you're used to be the victim and take the guilt on yourself: you grew up like that how will your children grow up?
counselling is the first thing, for your own sake, and for your kids ' as well.
good counselling will help you "grow up" in the sense that you'll gain inner strength to stan up to him. When you begin to stand up for yourself, you'll be able to star weighing possible ways out. It's like up until now you've been lying in the tranches, avoiding the bomb shells - how can you find your way when you're in such a situation.
gaining inner strength will enable to value yourself as an individual, and this will enable you to see what you can do. And you can.
when time will feel right,according to your strength, you MUST leave this relationship behind you. And save yourself and the kids.
take care and good luck
write whenever you need support,
millie