[pkh1955]

(mom( I admit I'm very protective of my daughter for many reasons, Im a widow, but at the same time she has lots of freedom, she thinks she doesn't, how many moms allow her daughter to have her BF sleep over yes they are adults.
(daughter) OK my mom and my BF had a big blowout, and a big one, yes he was rude to a guest and got slapped in the mouth, yes it was mine and my BF fault for something we did in my moms homes, 2 yrs later he still won't come to my home or talk to my mom, mom has said sorry, he has not talked to his mom in 5 yrs. Because of a argument. So in order for me to see him I go to his house all the time should I say his dads house as he too still lives at home which is not a short ride 26 mils 1 way to week and if I'm home I go 8 mls to week 1way. In the heat of a argument between me and mom I said I'm moving with him as he wants me too.
(mom) is that the truth?
(daughter) but I can loose a lot by doing this to include family, but won't admit it or make any changes to see it just keep staying away from my family and mom.
(mom) as the mom I see such a change in my daughter as she has obsorbed so many of his negative ways. He is such a non family moral person. Self centered and selffish, from what I have heard from others my daughter has to make him think we don't get along when she is home NOT TRUE, my daughter has low self esteem I have no clue why, she is great. Which has put a distance between her and I. she will go for days while with him and never call me but as soon as she is back to week ASAP she calls me and I'm not complaining I'm sooo happy to hear from her. I know my daughter very well and I know she has never sat him down to talk to him about there relationship and not him being a part of her family, because she has to worry about him breaking up with her, I have heard her in her room tell him bold face lies trying to get him to come pick her up before she had a car and drove.
(daughter) my mom treats me like a baby, HOW? She ask me to call her daily when I make it to week, I call my BF too when I make it to week. She ask me to call her throughout the weekend to just let her know I'm OK and to make sure all is OK at home, mom said in 3 days of no communication a death could take place so call at least 1x a day. For a gift my mom gave me a spa gift cert. my BF gave me a teddy bear.
(mom) I know my daughter knows right from wrong and I know she may have feeling for this guy but she needs to truly sort things like will he ever come around? What if they decided to get married and he still felt this way to my mom? I ask my daughter what family would be there, she said that's on you guys not us.. I know she drops a lot of money at his place when she is there and I know she does not have it, but its always been her way of keeping a friend/BF, also he drive the new car and she drives a old one and puts all the mls on it to see him and go to week from his place. Help my mom and I give us as much advice and opions as you can ask us anything you want. My daughter says she is board when she comes home, well no one tells you to stay in your room waiting for the phone to ring, that's another thing her cell phone was not working and she BEGGED him to allow her to call from the house phone, because he didn't want me to know his # PLEASE!! I'm very heart broken over this whole thing and I know my daughter would be heart broken but he needs to change towrds the family situation or my daughter needs to keep looking at the picture.

[Emland]

I don't understand the question. You want your adult child to call you everyday? Why? She can't be tied to mother's apron strings all her life. All you can do is guide her and offer your advice when she needs it. She will heed it or (most likely) ignore it and reap the consequences.

[pkh1955]

I said I was over protective for many reasons, and if she can call her BF daily to say I made it to week what is the diff in calling home? I just worry about her on the road

[pkh1955]

As well as the issue is not just asking her to call and let me kn ow she is OK, but there are many issues in the story, as when will he ever be a part of her family, when will he except what happened was his fault I said I'm sorry he won't except nor has said he was sorry, many issues here.

[Romefalls19]

Because like you said, she is an adult. She doesn't need to call you everyday to tell you she is at work. I still live at home with my parents and I don't call my mom during the work day, we will occasionaly talk during the day on AIM, but nothing more than how is work and then go. I am usually out when she gets off work and sometimes go a few days without seeing each other.

[Emland]

How old is your daughter?

[Fr_Chuck]

She has to live her own life, and adult children often don't call but a couple times a week. Sorry but you are trying to stay too close and controlling it is only going to push her further away if you push to hard

[pkh1955]

EMALAN! She is 25 with special needs but does very well for herself. But does anyone have anything to say about this BF and his ways, or is it just me.

[Emland]

It would be wonderful if you liked her choice in boyfriend, but you have to remember that this is HER life and HER choice. If he is a jerk and does her wrong that is something she will have to live with. You need to let go or you risk losing her completely.

[pkh1955]

I know and it hurts so much, I just want her home more then at his dads house, but maybe it will come to a head with them seeing each other 24/7 and she will see the light, a weekend relationship is so dissferent then 24/7 thanks

[chuff]

If I understand what was written in the initial post the BF got slapped in the middle of an argument. He may very well have been out of line for arguing with you in your house, that much I will side with you on, but you (the mother) can apologize for the rest of time but I would never come back over to your house and I'd never have anything to really good to say to you if that happened to me.

Furthermore there seems to be this competition for the daughter, "who can love her more." Sometimes love means being the bigger person and I'm not choosing sides on that one, that's up to either party to make that decision.

The women is 25 and she needs to live her own life... even if that means heartbreak at the end, she needs to learn that life can suck sometimes, nobody wants that for their child but sometimes real growth comes from real setbacks.

[pkh1955]

I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time it was not me who slapped him, but at the same time it got a bit crazy in MY home as I found drugs very bad drugs of his in my home, I do not do drugs and it just got worse from there, I have said I'm sorry many time her BF has yet to say he was sorry for having that in my home, so in the long run we were all in the wrong but I stepped up and faced my wrong.. he has not all he wants to do is act like he was a victum, and even after all I will except him in my home but no drugs and I just hate to loose my daughte to this. I guess I'm just a overly worried mom who loves with all her heart.

[chuff]

I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time it was not me who slapped him,

My apologies, because that is how I read the original post.

but at the same time it got a bit crazy in MY home as I found drugs very bad drugs of his in my home, I do not do drugs and it just got worse from there, I have said im sorry many time

Well now that more information is coming to light, I'm siding with you on this subject. If he brought illegal drugs into your home then you were right and he should not have even been given an apology.

her BF has yet to say he was sorry for having that in my home, so in the long run we were all in the wrong but I stepped up and faced my wrong.. he has not all he wants to do is act like he was a victum, and even after all I will except him in my home but no drugs and I just hate to loose my daughte to this. I guess im just a overly worried mom who loves with all her heart.

I agree that you are a overly worried mom... which is both good and bad. It's great that you are there for her unlike so many parents. But I wonder if you are so over protective that you are stunting her emotional growth which is causing much of this friction. At 25 years old she should know better then to get caught up with a guy on drugs.

I also feel after reading this, there is a lot of information that is not being told here. I don't think you can get honest feedback if you are both giving us bits and pieces. You have to give everything to get honest and reliable answers.

[kp2171]

The daughter has a right to make what I think is a lousy choice in being with a vengeful, angry man who seems more intent on keeping grudges than keeping the peace.

The mother needs to step back. Daily calls happen in some families, but not all. My wife talked to her father almost every 1-3 days as an adult, where I talk to my mother every couple of weeks. More often as needed.

The daughter is an adult and sometimes you have to make some really bad decisions on your own before you learn anything. Holding on and controlling too much now is like trying to teach someone how to drive without letting them take the wheel.

Lord knows my mother probably bit her tongue hard enough to bleed a few times when I first started dating in serious relationships... but the things I learned on my own are what enabled me to become who I am today.

[pkh1955]

I am very overly protective and trying to back off, I hope its not to late, I just don't want to see my daughter move in with this guy and his dad, I am the way I am as I lost my husband by death and she is all I have and like I said she has many disiblities but doing well for herself, yes she may be 25 but with her problems she is about 20, but I guess me trying to steer her in the right direction is wrong at that age, as for her BF he has no respect for anyone, not his mom who he has not talked to in 5 yrs and his dad who he talks to like he is a no body. My daughter and I use to be so close up until he came along, at first he was OK? But after all this happened he just tries to keep her away, and she is so insecure she lets him manipulate as well as she will manipulate him, I feel a total loss as a mom and nothing I can do for her but back off na dlet her learn, and if she falls I will pick her up. If you have any questions to ask me do so, I'm with you I need all the advice I can get but you have to know all.

[Fr_Chuck]

At 18 or 20 or 25 or even 40 you will not be able to control them, even trying will normally only force them to make the choice you don't want them to. If you want to stay part of her life, you have to not only often shut up about what you think and feel, but you you have to even pretend to get along with the person she has chosen.

Example, I have been to my moms house twice in 11 years, once for my dads funeral. She does not like or accept the person I married, so we just don't ever go there.

[pkh1955]

How do you force yourself to ike and be nice to someone if they don't come around?

[Fr_Chuck]

You have told her you don't like him, so you let her know that no matter what she decides you love her, and you stop nagging her about her bad choices.

Example, I called my mom the other day, found out something important had happened and asked why she did not call and let me know, she said, well I did not want to talk to your that women if she answered the phone. I hung up at that point, did not want to here her rant about what she thought about my wife. Called my cousin to find out about what happened.

You be civil and support your daughter no matter how stupid her choices are.

[pkh1955]

Yes I have said negative things about him, but at the same time I tell her all the time, he is welcome back in the home as long as whet happened NEVER happens again, I hate to say he is a very disrespectful guy, life is one big joke to him, family is nothing to him take them or leave them, I know my daughter will leave home one day but if its for a great guy it will be so much easier to let go. We all want the best for our children and she is soooo special to me a gift from God. I have sent him emails asking him to let this situation pass, we are adults lets be a family and friends again, what did he do went to week and made fun of my email. So what do you do and why will my INSECURE low sell esteem daughter not see this in him, I pray God gives her the sense to see it soon.

[chuff]

I am very overly protective and trying to back off, I hope its not to late, I just dont want to see my daughter move in with this guy and his dad, I am the way I am as I lost my husband by death and she is all I have and like I said she has many disiblities but doing well for herself,

What does that mean? What kind of disabilities?

yes she may be 25 but with her problems she is about 20,

I don't get that statement? She's about 20... that's still an adult. When you say she has disabilities (and I'm only presuming mental or emotional) I thought you meant she was acting like a kid (ie before the age of 12). I'm in my 30's and you'd probably think I act like a 20 year at times. I guess what I'm saying is, if she is only acting 5 years behind her age, it can't be that bad... I would think. You know better then me, but I just wonder if you are giving her enough credit.

but I guess me trying to steer her in the right direction is wrong at that age, as for her BF he has no respect for anyone, not his mom who he has not talked to in 5 yrs and his dad who he talks to like he is a no body. my daughter and I use to be so close up until he came along, at first he was ok?? but after all this happened he just tries to keep her away, and she is so insecure she lets him manipulate as well as she will manipulate him, I feel a total loss as a mom and nothing I can do for her but back off na dlet her learn, and if she falls I will pick her up. if you have any questions to ask me do so, im with you I need all the advice I can get but you have to know all.

Maybe if she falls you need to let her pick herself up. She can't depend on you forever, and this might be a great learning experience for her. I'm sure most parent don't like watching there kids fall off the bike when they are learning to ride but at the same time, you know that the child has to suffer some pain now for the future of gain of the skill.