[TheNigel]

I know there are several posts along these same lines, but I need to hear someone's thoughts on the feelings I am experiencing...

I'm a 23 yr old man, I have been seeing a girl (she's 21) I met about a month ago very often; it's like we've known each other for years. I feel like this is the girl I've been looking for, just a great connection you know? Due to this connection I care about her so deeply, and lo and behold last night after being intimate I somehow asked a question that led to her telling me that she was once raped. We did not continue into details about the rape, but she got very upset because she asked if I was going to leave her now that I knew this because that had happened to her before. That comment made me go silent because my last longterm girlfriend was a rape victim years prior and when I found that out, things were never the same exactly...

The feelings I have about this happening to her are obviously very selfish, but that is what I need help dealing with because I really don't want to let her go. Please bear with my selfish rambling because I need to work this out: I feel so disappointed and disgusted (a mix of rage and anger at who did this to my sweet girl, but also just the sad feeling that I view her differently all of a sudden - as damaged goods, perhaps). I have had the wonderful passion of a new relationship going through my head almost 24/7, but since last night I have this weird mixed emptiness inside. I comforted her 100% when she told me this that it was not her fault, which I know to be totally true, but I struggle with my masculine feelings that she is damaged and someone has permanently marked her as their own in a sick way...

She exhibits absolutely no hangups or disturbed symptoms as a result of her attack; I honestly never would have known if I had not discussed with her whether she can have real orgasms during intercourse, checking to see if I could do something better, and she led me to this horrible news.

I apologize for the length of my rant, but I really need some outside feedback here. I have never in my life had therapy or counseling for anything, I have always felt that what a stranger has to say cannot really help me and I deal with things well myself. I do not want to break up with her, but how can I recover the feelings I had before? She is scarred in a way that I cannot forget, regardless of the fact that I know she is not to blame. I wish she never told me this because I am afraid of the permanent damage between us. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated, God bless.

[anastasia2911]

You sound lovely. You have already fallen for this girl in a big way, and the only one that can alter the relationship is you. Men are problem solvers and your anger stems from the injustice of the rape. You cannot alter the past . Remember that your girl would not be the person she is today without that experience,all she wants and needs is your love, understanding and care. Then like her forget about it unless she raises the subject, she is not letting her past affect her future and you should follow that lead. "The past is history, the future's a mystery, now is the a gift that is why it is called the present"! Be happy

[N0help4u]

You have to remember she was a victim. Look at it the same as if she had been mugged and beaten. You need to be understanding and supportive. Get beyond your negative feelings and realize you need to accept her for her and leave what happened in the past. She has enough to deal with what happened to her without the added pressure of how you are taking it. Also see it as if you leave her over this you could be walking away from someone you are meant to be with. Giving up on her is about equal to more repercussions from the rape. Also if you leave her she may feel she better never tell another guy and then if they found out they could feel betrayed and lied to that she felt it necessary to keep it a secret.

[starbuck8]

Just remember, she is not damaged goods. She is a woman who through no fault of her own was taken advantage of, and forced to comply with this evil person. As 'NoHelp' said, you could really ruin any future relationships, whether they be friendships, or otherwise, by looking at her in a different light.

She was raped! She had no choice in the matter whatsoever! I know that rationally you know this, but you have to talk to someone about your irrational thoughts. Professionals that specialize in rape victims and their partners and families, really can be helpful to help you work through your feelings. I would suggest that you check that out. I know that some people think they have it all under control, and can deal with it. But unless you understand, you might not be able to wrap you mind around it, and that would be sad for both you and her. There is no shame in doing that, and if you love her, you will do that for her!

Instead of looking at her as a victim and damaged goods, look at her with empathy for what she had to endure. It really is time to set your own feelings aside for the time being, and look at her like the same woman as she was when you met her. You sound very caring and kind to me, so I know you're up for the challenge.

Best of luck!

[IM4U]

My thinking is that if the two of you are to have a permanent romantic relationship--marriage, then the two of you need skilled counseling support. I also believe she will need it regardless of the future for the two of you.

It may well be the case that no one feels more like this lady is "damaged goods" than she.

The knowledge of rape does not, in my opinion, alter the right for each other situation if you are right for each other otherwise.

Does "God bless" signify that you are a person of faith? Is she? May I suggest pastoral consultation with a pastor skilled in counseling or with a pastoral counselor. This opportunity may open the way to discover how God "makes all things new."

My comments are offered as personal views and opinions and are not provided within the context of a professional-client relationship. Readers who apply these opinions in life situations assume sole responsibility for doing so.

[TheNigel]

Awesome and much appreciated replies. I wrote that the day after I was told this news and to be honest after reading these and talking to her at length I feel differently. I was and am aware that my feelings were somewhat irrational or weak but I've been dealing with it well since. Thanks for listening to and helping a stranger out.

[starbuck8]

I'm glad we could have been of some help to you! I understand that the initial shock was a bit overwhelming, but I'm glad you were able to wrap your mind around it and be there for her!

Best of luck, and well wishes to both you and your girlfriend! :)

[will1988]

I just wanted to say thanks for the responses they have helped me in my eerily similar situation. I am not the op but reading what was said here really helped with my feelings. Thank you very much for your time. Op if you are still part of this site I would like to know how or if your situation is improving thanks again

[loejee]

I tonight have found out that my girlfriend of 8months had been raped last year and was pregnant from it and had an abortion. My first thought for the night was.. I need to find this person and stalk him and figure out his daily routines and then at the right time, crack him with a baseball bat and castrate him and feed his to some junkyard dogs. The comments I've seen here really helps me calm myself down from feeling so vengeful. Thank you all for opening up here. Hopefully I can work this out in my brain.

[confused090]

Add another to the list.. I just found out last night that my girlfriend was raped when she was 17 (she's 19 now), we've been dating for about 2 months and everything was amazing until I found this out, now it's messing with my head...

[8track]

One in 3 women have been raped. I think every man should be asking these same questions.

My advice. Anytime you want to get intimate, just ask her first. Can I do this? Can I touch you like this? It gives her the power to say yes or no, and it will give trust and healing to her and the relationship.

[Sasha23]

Hello. I just find out my girlfriend was raped before 8 years ( when she was 17, now she is 25). I meet her before 5 months. We connected very fast like we know each other for years. She didn't told me because ex boyfriend dump her because of it. But I figure out by myself.. She never experienced orgasm during sex with me for first 2 months. And I analyzed her while she watched movies that have connection with rape . Then I forced her to tell me. I prayed god I'm wrong but it was true.. When she was returning home ( she lived with grandmother and grandfather , mother died and she never found out about her father . I grow up without my parents too ), the guy who know her put her on shoulder and cross right to woods and raped her,lucky she didn't stayed pregnant.After that she was in depression didn't eat for 3 months anything, was really weak.After 1 years she left home and came to live alone in town,where she found job as waitress and that was place when we meet.She never told what happen to her family she was afraid. We live together now for 2 months. (I know her about half year will be soon)she is pregnant now and we will get married. First orgasm she lost with me 3 month our relationship she cried of joy after .We love each other very much. I found out everything ,even place where he raped her. When I drive her home to visit family I always must pass near that place and I feel horrible we don't talk when we passing. The anger,hate.. The guy who lives near her passing near house her family and doing some stuff with her uncle and they DON'T KNOW! She refused to tell them because her grandfather have heart problems and she love him.I let that all go before 3 months. But now my emotions returned . I imagining how I took gun from my friend and blast he's brain out, I wish to crack he's legs and pull him in car , drive him in basement and start cutting finger buy finger . I still didn't run on him ,but if I do I'm afraid I'm going to do something stupid I feel BIG fury in my sellf. I even start going in GYM 2 months lifting weighs. I know I need to be for her now about baby and our future. She is happy with me. But still I just wish he die! After I saw this comments it helped me. I had need to share this. Sorry for my English I'm from bosnia.Didnt find anything helpful on my language.

[trillfam]

All of you guys have helped me because I love my girl to to death and found out she was raped analy at 16... the thot is killing me she told me two days ago and I just keep picturing my girl young(her mom was sick of cancer at the time so she didn't want to tell anyone)helpless.we have been together 4 yrs she told me when we first started talking that she had been through somthin like that but her smile made me not care... I and my son have grown to love her but it hurts me that my my girlfriend went through that while her mom was sick may she rest in peace... thank all of you she is sleeping next to me now(beautiful as she lays)too all these men who have to take nstead of knowing how to handle females you are right with peaple who hurt kids and I hope karma takes care of you right before god duz(trust GOD WILL)after seeing sum responses I promised my girls mom ash she rest in peace that she doesn't have to worry about her daughter I'm going to try my best to help her because she says she's over it and is happy now days and me AND MY SON love her... thank you all

And to that nigga that hurt my baby when she was a baby and he was and college you will burn and hell!! She wasn't even legal... karmas a u lucky she was under the influence an wants to get overit and can't remember you I wuld have you dead by now fuk boy thank you guys again for giving me a place to get it off my chest

[Thx all]

2 nights ago I was warning my girlfriend about rape and how not to mislead men, then she turned around and told me that she was raped years ago, but she's over it now, but she said it with ease and with no compassion or feelings, almost like she was bragging about it, I was so upset about it, because all day she was texting me about how and what she is going to do to me that night, so I was really worked up about getting into bed with her, when we got back to her place I was very angry, not because of what happened to her (wasn't her fault) but in the way she told me, it wasn't the time nor the place to tell me something like that, and to top it all off, she still wanted to have sex after telling me that.
I feel as thou she is broken or damaged, we haven't spoken about it yet as we are still not speaking to each other, but she can't understand to why I'm so upset, she thinks she's over it, but for me I'm going through it all over again for her, I'm so confused right now, I don't want to loose her but at the same time I feel that some one has stolen and kept a piece of her. I feel as thou I can't look her in the eye anymore or make love to her.
If anyone who has gone through the same thing please give me some advice on how you got over it and made it work, no offence to anyone but unless you've experienced it then its easier said than done.

[Kare1112]

I really don't know what to do either. I found out my girlfriend was raped when she was young and I just want to kill this guy and him up till he goes to hell. But it's not my anger that is getting to me, because I know I can't let some ed rapist ruin my relationship with her. What I'm concerned with is, like the original post, I feel like there's a sickening tattoo on her. I love her so much yet I don't want to even see her at the moment because I'm so sick from imagining that guy raping her. I feel like she isn't mine anymore. It's such a hard feeling to get over because my emotions are conflicting.

I really need advice, and not to be rude, from someone who has experienced the same thing as me/us. How do I get over the fact there's a sick tattoo on her. She is the same person inside but I can't help but seeing her as a fault / 'she will never be mine ever again' mindset.

[pathfinder906]

I found this out from my wife before we married 9 years ago. The things you guys said about she has "a sick tattoo" or someone stole a piece of her and kept it, those hit home hard for me. For my wife she was forced into non-vaginal intercourse in a couple of ways. Ways that she will not do with me. So I have to live with knowing there's a guy out there who knows my wife in ways I never will. It's a disgusting thought that I'm thinking like this. Like I don't "own" her enough.

I can't just "get over it." It's not that simple. I don't blame her, but the nagging thought keeps getting to me. It was her boyfriend that did it when she was 15. It happened on more than one occasion, and I just can't press her for details about why she would go back to him after the first time.

I'm meeting with a counselor who says he has helped men in my situation before. I scheduled for next week. I don't know what else to do. I've been married for 9 years and don't want to end it over me not being able to get over the past, but when this comes up, it takes me a long time to bury it down inside me.

I, too, would welcome advice, but only from someone who has been through this. This is one of those issues you can't understand from the outside.