[gooner1]

Hello, I hope you can help me. I have just become a father for the first time and feel I am losing the plot. I am 39 years old and been married for 5 years. I never ever wanted children and my wife knew this. However I agreed to have a child because she was so desperate for a family.
I convinced myself everything would be OK and I felt that as soon as I saw my child I would love it so much I would kick myself for not giving in earlier.
The problem was the first time I saw her all I felt was resentment. I have tried to bond with her over the last 6 weeks but I feel nothing. In fact as soon as she cries its like someone flicks a switch inside me and I feel real anger towards her.
I know I would never hurt her and I do know I want to protect and provide but this hurts me to say this but I don't love her.
Its now becoming a problem with my wife. She adores the baby and I know she is torn between the two of us. We had such a wonderful life together before, now its all changed.
It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I can't be a good father but I don't see a way out.
I can't go through life pretending to be happy and I can't stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I won't run away from this but at the moment I don't see a way to be happy again.
All I want it to love my daughter the way others do and feel a bond but all I feel is total dissapointment in myself for not feeling anything.

[Credendovidis]

It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I can't be a good father but I don't see a way out.

Not for not being a good father, but much earlier for your childish and selfish behavior.
So you are no longer the only one who she loves with whole her heart. So what?
Are you so afraid for losing her love that you are now desperately causing her to lose that love?

:confused:

Well at least you did choose your "handle" properly !

:D

[Fr_Chuck]

Having a child is a large, very large change of life, the world now for the next while will circile around the baby, there is no more jumping and running, trips are planned and large bags are required. And as things grow, there is a lot less adult things and trips in a few years will be to city parks, to Disneyland and will be or will seem to be all about the baby.

I would recommend some serous counseling to help you learn to be less self centered. I will be blunt, your comments scare me about your real relationship with your wife before.

[rjm1170]

I am not going to ridicule you or call you names, but you DO need to talk to a professional. You say you would never hurt the child, however you are only human and if your anger or other emotions become too intense to handle, you never know what you could be capable of. As far as your wife, it is unfair to her and the child to "deal" with your behavior. If you ever try and make her choose, you will not prevail. Again, PLEASE talk to a professional, before something horrible happens. Good Luck!

[sistergrimm]

First thing I'd like to do is point out the fact that you're already one step in the right direction.

You're admitting the problem.

That you're aware of it and able to say it (or type it, as the case may be) is a good thing. It's the person who isn't aware of the problem, who doesn't address the anger, that has the potential to abuse a child.

I've been in the child development field for over twenty years (makes me sound old) and I've worked with many parents about many issues. Plus, I'm a mom.

My best advice- until you receive counselling to address the anger issue: don't let yourself be alone with the baby.

Babies are unpredictable. They cry. They do frustrating things. If you're already having a problem with your wife in the room, it's hard to say what outlet your anger might take if she weren't.

You say you won't hurt the baby, don't put yourself in a position to test that.

Get the counselling. Bonding issues are more common than people realise. Be glad your wife doesn't have them.

Most people would say to be open & honest with your wife. I'm going to tell you to buffer your honesty. It's okay to tell her you're having problems & you'd like to get counselling for your issues. You're going to have to tell her why you don't want to sit with the baby for an hour while she runs to the store for some mommy alone-time. She'll appreciate that you're aware of your feelings & willing to address them.

But I advise against coming right out and telling your wife you don't love the baby. I don't know any new mom who would be open & accepting of that.

That's a statement for your counsellor. Or here. And it's a necessary statement. You have to have somewhere to say it flat out like that. Saying it to her will just pit her against you, she's in a euphoric state & madly in love with this new little person & you coming right out & saying you don't love the baby like she does will do damage you might not be able to fix.

You typed, I can't go through life pretending to be happy and I can't stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I wont run away from this but at the moment i dont see a way to be happy again.

That's probably the best way to tell her.

But tack on "And I'd like us all to be," at the end. That would be a good place to start. Tell her you don't understand what your problem is & tell her you want to get help to understand it.

[gooner1]

Thank you all for your comments. Firstly as I said I do feel the urge to protect and provide. I have never been a violent person and I know how to control my anger. I would never ask my wife to choose because as you say rjm1170 I would not win. I certainly would not put her in that position.
The problem and questions I need answered is why do I feel nothing? Will the feelings come? Whwn will they come? Previous respondees have said I am selfish and self centred and actually in certain areas of my life I am. However I actually see these traits as a positive and use them in business. Beind selfish and self centerd has taken me from nothing to a multi millionaire. (please don't construe that comment as me being self centred, I don't know you, will never meet you and therefore have nothing to prove to you) It is just a fact.
I just hoped that putting my question on this site I would hear from people who have experienced similar feelings and perhaps with some positive feedback.
If this goes on much longer then I will take your advice and talk to a proffessional but in the meantime if anyone thinks they can offer me any help without needing to make snyed comments about Handle names then that would be very much welcome.

[sistergrimm]

I did give positive feedback.

The Why of things is what the counsellor is for.

How would anyone here know? It's in you. It's not uncommon & a counsellor can help.

It has to do with bonding. For some reason you are not bonding.

[Prince 711]

Hello, I hope you can help me. I have just become a father for the first time and feel I am loosing the plot. I am 39 years old and been married for 5 years. I never ever wanted children and my wife knew this. However I agreed to have a child because she was so desperate for a family.
I convinced myself everything would be OK and I felt that as soon as I saw my child i would love it so much I would kick myself for not giving in earlier.
The problem was the first time I saw her all I felt was resentment. I have tried to bond with her over the last 6 weeks but I feel nothing. In fact as soon as she cries its like someone flicks a switch inside me and I feel real anger towards her.
I know I would never hurt her and I do know I want to protect and provide but this hurts me to say this but I dont love her.
Its now becoming a problem with my wife. She adores the baby and i know she is torn between the two of us. We had such a wonderful life together before, now its all changed.
It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I can't be a good father but I dont see a way out.
I can't go through life pretending to be happy and I can't stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I wont run away from this but at the moment i dont see a way to be happy again.
All I want it to love my daughter the way others do and feel a bond but all I feel is total dissapointment in myself for not feeling anything.

I am also I father I am 19 and she is 20 we never thought it would happen this early I also didn't feel a connection. But now he 4 months about to be five months and I love him to death when he was young all they know is the mom... you will lose a lot of attention but when the baby gets older trust me you will do the same to her... the lost of attention wasn't a big deal to me because I took time to do things I couldn't like workout... always look for a positive

[smokedetector]

It is more common than you might think. You are not the only one. You are a business man. You can get things taken care of. Get professional help and get this taken care of. It more than likely can be fixed. As long as you are open to things, eventually it will come. I truly wish you the best of luck.

[mimi03]

I too am having a bonding issue but in a different situation (I'm not the parent of the child).
I don't think it's selfishness, not everyone is meant to be a parent and in your case you didn't want to be a parent but fathered a child to make your wife happy. So now you're just supposed to see this ''little bundle of joy'' and fall in love? Well that's not the case and it shouldn't have been the expectation.

Like most have said you should probably seek professional help this is something that you may be able to grow into... as for now you made the choice and the deal is sealed, the baby's here!
I think you were well intended with giving your wife what she wanted but maybe you didn't think your feelings through because you were so focused on her desire for a family you pushed your opposition to the side.

You have to find the positive in this situation especially when in the presence of your wife and child.
Start with the small things... baby's are such a responsibility and they cry a lot it can and will be stressful at times but look at her--- does she have her mother's smile perhaps your eyes... Can you imagine which of your personalty traits she will have when she's older?. try to think about the fun things, the things you have to look forward to with this little person---(Also counseling will give you an outlet to say how you feel without feeling judged or like you have to hold back in fear of hurting someone's feelings, I think it will help you especially because your heart's in the right place)... Best of Luck

[DoulaLC]

Thank you all for your comments. Firstly as I said I do feel the urge to protect and provide. I have never been a violent person and I know how to control my anger. I would never ask my wife to choose because as you say rjm1170 I would not win. I certainly would not put her in that position.
The problem and questions I need answered is why do I feel nothing? Will the feelings come? Whwn will they come? Previous respondees have said I am selfish and self centred and actually in certain areas of my life I am. However I actually see these traits as a positive and use them in business. Beind selfish and self centerd has taken me from nothing to a multi millionaire. (please dont construe that comment as me being self centred, I dont know you, will never meet you and therefore have nothing to proove to you) It is just a fact.
I just hoped that putting my question on this site I would hear from people who have experienced similar feelings and perhaps with some positive feedback.
If this goes on much longer then I will take your advice and talk to a proffessional but in the meantime if anyone thinks they can offer me any help without needing to make snyed comments about Handle names then that would be very much welcome.

You are not alone in how you feel... very much like postpartum depression, and many people don't realize that men can go through many of the same feelings associated with it.
Young babies are a lot of work. The first 6 weeks or so are mostly "maintenance"... you are putting things in them and cleaning things off them with very little feed back. Their cries are designed to be annoying so that we have to respond to them to meet their needs in a responible amount of time. Some people can handle 15 minutes of it, some can only handle 3 minutes.

Not everyone is a baby person... some people find this stage very frustrating only to develop those feelings of love they expect to have at the moment of birth when the child becomes a toddler, or older... when they can do more, when they can respond to you, when there is more interaction.

These feelings of frustration, lack of deep love, etc., do not make you a bad parent.....acting on them would.

There may also be the issue of how much time a new baby actually takes... and this includes time you once spent with your wife. It is a tremendous adjustment that many people underestimate, and it can be felt differently by different people. Some breeze through it, others really struggle and find they feel guilty for not feeling how they think they should or for resenting the baby at times... sometimes much of the time... and these feelings can feed on themselves. It may not be so much a matter of not loving the baby, but not liking the intrusion and the upset to your once orderly and predictable life.

It does get better, things will start to become normal and routine again, the baby will become "more fun" as she gets older, and certainly as others have said, seek outside help if you feel you are having a real difficult time of it.

[kp2171]

I wanted my child and love him dearly, but I went through a stretch of depression about 3-4 months after he was born. Stress. Other issues. Just took me broadside and I didn't see it coming.

I hated the idea of counseling, but I went. It helped. Seriously. Someone else to talk to really helped. I walked in the office hating the fact I was there. I walked out glad id gone.

I can't promise you anything. Can't promise you you'll grow to love your child or your life as a family. I can tell you the stresses get easier in time. It does get easier.

And I completely agree with doula... feeling resentment and anger and frustration is something you shouldn't be ashamed of. What you do with that energy is what is important. You have to believe you have control over yourself and your life, and that even when you are in circumstances you didn't desire, that you can be happy and content.

[teezee]

So what you don't love your baby. Who does love their baby at an age when all they do is cry and scream and make your sleepless nights a living hell? You can't force yourself to love something you really don't. So don't fight what you feel. Let things take its natural toll and as she gets older, you will most likely develop a natural love for the child, especially if you attempt to bond with that child where they're at an age where they can communicate with you. The ONLY thing you can do now is to take objective responsibility for the creation you agreed to create and be patient. Maybe you can even find some time for you and your wife to take a vacation together and let grandma take care of the child for a little bit or something. It will help you guys get back on your feet. But just explain to your wife that you're having trouble coping with your feelings about the situation but that you have taken it upon yourself to remain patient and give it a chance in the long run. If you put it that way, she should understand. This is all I have to tell you because you can't just make a baby magically disappear. You already made the choice and she is here whether you think it's a mistake or not.

[liz28]

You're not the first person to ever feel this way - it's quite common and doesn't make you an unloving parent. Newborns have no ability to express emotions beyond just "I'm hungry" and "I'm tired". This is pretty different from other meaningful relationships you've had in your life, where the ability to express love is reciprocal.

This is also a case where you didn't select the person you are going to love, and of course there's no trade-backs. So, this is going to be a one-way street for a little while, and you kind of have to roll with it

It can be difficult having someone new in your life, someone who takes and takes and takes and doesn't really give anything back. It can be hard adjusting to a new mode of interracting, and maybe since you didn't want a child like you stated, its might seems overwhelming.

Things change a lot at 4-6 months, when she will start to smile for real (i.e. not just gas), respond to seeing you, etc. At that point I believe you'll start feeling more like a dad and find the experience much more rewarding.

There's a number you can call and can help you a lot with referral, support groups, one-one counseling, because like mention above it can be ppd, 1800-944-4773.

Good Luck and hopefully you get help and start bonding with your daughter, because its so rewarding to be a father and it makes a difference in the future.

[parent25]

Hi Gooner, I can definitely relate to your feelings. I am now the mother of a 5mo old son. I was not ready either. I was not in love with his father and barely knew him. We had a conversation before the relationship became physical and I told him children were not for me right now. He agreed to be careful until I was able to get on birth control. I trusted him. He ended up removing the condoms w/o me knowing and poking holes. He wanted a child with me so badly. He was ready to be a father. He wanted a family so badly was all he could say. The night I caught him was too late. Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I was only 24! I am now a single mother and believe it or not this child that he wanted SO BADLY does not even know him. He does not care for the child at all. No child support nothing. So here I am alone, my boat was rocked.. and I am now a mother? Just last year I was living the high life.

So, I did not feel a connection to the child the entire time I was pregnant. When I gave birth it didn't change. Nothing. I was angry. This was all forced upon me. I was robbed of my chance to have a child when I was ready and when I was with the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I was deceived. I was so angry. Still to this day I have those same feelings. Every time I would hear him cry I was so angry and felt hate.. towards his absent father and towards him. I would put him in his room if I felt I could not handle it. I can remember one night I let him cry and cry because I was so angry. I did not care to console him. That hurt.

Things have gotten better though. I can honestly admit I did not start "liking the little guy" until this past month. I never hurt him physically of course and always made sure he was safe, fed, and taken care of... but I know how you mean about not being able to be there emotionally. While I did everything your supposed to do to take care of a child, I failed to give the love. You feel bad for not loving the child. Then I had my family mad and all over me for not loving the child or being overly loving. I never said anything bad about the baby to anyone.. I took care of him so how could they see I didn't love him? They saw that that bond was not there and that hurt me too that others were able to see it. Did my child see it too?

He is such a happy baby and gets tons of love from all my family and maybe I felt that was enough.. but he now gets it from me more and more. And the dad? Believe it or not.. he is still absent.

So what does this all mean? Why? I still ask myself everyday. I hated when people would tell me "oh a child is a blessing from god" or "this was meant to happen"... right? OK why would god give a child to someone who was not ready. A girl not in love. An unwed mother? How could it possibly be meant to happen? All this made me so angry and carried over into the feelings I had toward my son. (believe it or not it even took me awhile to say "my son" when talking about him.. I would always say "the baby" "that kid" but never "my child" "my son".. it still feels weird.

All I can do is provide love and support to my child despite the way it happened I guess. It still sucks though because I am a young girl strugging financially to provide for a child I knew I was not ready for.. and I am very hurt at the situation and how it happened.. I realized that is why I was really angry and so as I slowly get over that I am able to love him more and more.. I am trying my hardest to do this as a single parent with a fulltime job and hopefully a fulltime student if I can manage the finances alone... I hope things get better for you and your daughter. I never thought I was going to start to love my child. It took 5mo after he was born. It is what it is. You have to deal with what's in front of you even if it was forced upon you. (I still get hurt when I repeat that to myself :(.. )Best of luck!

Have you discussed your feelings with your wife?

[DoulaLC]

>>>>So what does this all mean? Why? I still ask myself everyday. I hated when people would tell me "oh a child is a blessing from god" or "this was meant to happen"... right? OK why would god give a child to someone who was not ready. A girl not in love. An unwed mother? How could it possibly be meant to happen?

Glad to hear you have started to enjoy your baby more... and that you have family around to help out. The anger and resentment at the situation is so understandable... and it makes it worse that there is nothing you can do to change what happened... only how you deal with things now. It sounds like you are well on your way to making good changes for both you and your baby.

As to how could things have been meant to happen?. perhaps it is what you are able to do now... with supporting others who are going through the same thing, dealing with the same sorts of feelings, letting them know it does get better... you never know whose life you may change in some small way by giving them hope and letting them know they are not alone in what they are experiencing.

[melonie_21]

All I can say is how can you all be supporting what this man is saying? I am sorry but for one thing you do not bring a child into this world just to make someone happy it doesn't matter who it is, before bringing a baby into this world you should be ready to and happy about it. Why would you want your child growing up knowing that you don't love them. On your part that is the most awful thing you could have ever done to that child and your wife! I hope soon she sees what kind of man she is married to. I am sorry to be so judgmental and mean but how can you bring a life into the world when you didn't even want to in the first place? I just don't get it, I mean yah there are peope that don't plan on it and it just comes along but you did this knowing that you didn't want a baby!! WTH? Another thing is I just don't understand how a dad can look into his babies eyes and not feel anything at all! Every dad I know and I know lots, has felt nothing but pure honest love as soon as they hold their child... how can you feel nothing? Makes me wonder what kind of person you really are. I pray to God that your wife sees this too and takes her baby and leaves. That baby doesn't need someone who feels nothing for he/she! You are a selfish a**hole!

[smokedetector]

melonie_21,

I'm sitting here wondering what kind of person you are.

It's not like he doesn't love his kid on purpose. He just hasn't connected yet. It's not a sin, and it's not something he can control, as I'm sure he would LOVE to love this baby. You are making the situation worse by suggesting that he is wrong and a horrible father for not feeling deep emotions for someone only a little while after they first met. Some people are more guarded emotionally and can't connect that quickly, even with new members of their own family. He loves his wife and decided to share this experience with her. I for one commend him on thinking about it before the pregnancy and deciding to change his life in this way for his wife (even though thinking things would be OK since his wife would be happy and he would love the baby when he saw her was not what actually happened, it is easy to think that something like that could take place), and also for being honest with himself after the birth, because he recognized a problem and sought help.

He might have made a mistake, but it was, arguably a logical one, and people have done WAY dumber things. He is allowed to be human. So instead of making him feel worse about a situation he already feels bad about, why not try and help him through his emotions and realize the best parts of this situation and build on them. Instead of tearing people down, try building them up for a change. We're all human and we all deserve help when we need it.

To the OP, any updates?

[simoneaugie]

I have two children that I chose to give birth to. I loved neither of (they were a pain and so annoying) them until they were talking. Now I know that as teens, there will be hate, on both sides. At least with my teen, that is the case. Grandmas and neighbors and other people I know helped reinforce that they were mine when they were infants, and now that one is a teen. I did not abuse them or ignore their needs, I simply felt no attachment or motherly love, at all.

I think the messages I internalized growing up helped this situation to evolve. My sister chose not to have kids. She dislikes children intensely. I realized that the messages I accepted were wrong when my oldest suggested a solution.

I told her that we needed to stop our game because Daddy would be home soon and dinner needed to be started. "Mommy," she tilted her little head to one side. "Daddy not here yet! Lets play!" Somehow her 3-year-old logic made perfect sense. She was human. She could reason, and she was my friend.

There are so many that say a parent could not, not love their children. Bull! Emotions mix togetner. Hate and annoyance are frequently fear masked as something else. The questions to ask yourself are about fear of inadequacy and the unknown future. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know for sure if you will ever feel bonded to your child, if you are somehow defective.

Just let it be and be the best friend, husband and parent that you can be at this moment. We only have the present moment to make choices in.

[ms williams]

You probably have just created a huge problem. You knew yourself well enough to know children are not for you. Your wife should have respected that or she should have never married you if having kids was what she needed. You may grow to love the child and you very well may not. In the long run living in a situation were you resent the child, the child feels the resentment and the possible tension with your wife over this does not sound like a good family environment for a child or you mental health.
I left similar situation when my daughter was 7 months old. I met another man months later that loved us both and that is who she considers her dad. We are no longer together but remain good friends and 19 yrs later that is still her dad and she is still his only little girl. They can be happy with out you. If you cannot find that loving fatherly feeling separating might be best for the child.