[ANB428]

I had a bonding issue with my daughter as well and I am her mother. I didn't fall in love with her until she was about 5 or 6 months. I was a very self-fish person as well and I never wanted kids. I lef there father one month after she was born because he tried to kill us. I didn't love her yet, but I knew that I had to protect her. I wasn't ready to be a mom, nor did I want to. My whole pregnancy I wished that when her father would bet me up that I would lose her. I know that it is wrong, but that is how I felt. I didn't want to bring a child into this horrible world much less bring her into a world where she would have no father. I knew that I wasn't going to stay with him obviousley if he was beating me up while I was carring his child. As I was going through the domestic violence shelter I was in I kept on thinking about giving her up for adoption, but I knew that I couldn't do that because I would have to sign my rights away and then she would go to her father, so I kept her. Even though I didn't want her I still wanted to protect her. I was a very selfish person and I didn't want to change that, I wasn't ready to give my life up for someone else. Then one day I woke up and realized that I had the greatest gift in the world and I thank God for her EVERYDAY and I regret the feelings that I had towards her because of my own selfishness. It hit me and I am so thanful that it did because I felt so horrible about the way I felt. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She loves me unconditionally and always will. She is dependent on me. She changed me into who I am now, I know that your selfishness contributed to making you wealthy, but one day you need to change. It isn't good to be selfish. Good luck with everything and these feelings are normal. If they don't change within 6 months you should go to the doctor. You could be suffering from post-partum. I did and men can too.

[MsMewiththat]

Wow, I didn't know that side of it. Parenting is such a gift and I didn't realize that people could feel that way. That's me being naïve. Good Luck in your journey. I only want to say that I'm not certain how "normal" the feelings are but maybe not completely uncommon. Best of Luck to you, Enjoy your seed. Look her in the eyes one day and realize that she is here to add to your live and love. She's here to teach you so much about yourself. Are you afraid of anything in regards to being a parent and being responsible to her? Or do you feel that you lost the bet so to speak, that you weren't ready and it was forced upon you?

[tapoutfan]

Hello, I hope you can help me. I have just become a father for the first time and feel I am loosing the plot. I am 39 years old and been married for 5 years. I never ever wanted children and my wife knew this. However I agreed to have a child because she was so desperate for a family.
I convinced myself everything would be OK and I felt that as soon as I saw my child i would love it so much I would kick myself for not giving in earlier.
The problem was the first time I saw her all I felt was resentment. I have tried to bond with her over the last 6 weeks but I feel nothing. In fact as soon as she cries its like someone flicks a switch inside me and I feel real anger towards her.
I know I would never hurt her and I do know I want to protect and provide but this hurts me to say this but I dont love her.
Its now becoming a problem with my wife. She adores the baby and i know she is torn between the two of us. We had such a wonderful life together before, now its all changed.
It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I can't be a good father but I dont see a way out.
I can't go through life pretending to be happy and I can't stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I wont run away from this but at the moment i dont see a way to be happy again.
All I want it to love my daughter the way others do and feel a bond but all I feel is total dissapointment in myself for not feeling anything.

I grew up with a father who did'nt care. And it has affected my life greatly. Seek help and be a man or do them both a favor and leave. They will thank you later!

[Eileen2005]

Hi,

I have a good news for you. You sound like a responsible person and as you have mentioned you have taken the responsibility of being a father and I am sure you can be a very good father. I believe babies need responsible parents even more than loving parents.

I do not worry about you hurting the baby, because I think by being angry you do not really mean violence you just get annoyed and just wish that you had the relaxing time you had before, which is normal, do not feel guilty about it. Human beings are selfish, it is a fact and I think all people are more or less like that so it is normal too. I think it is even OK to some times show that you are annoyed. We are not robots.

I think for some reasons you were not ready to be a father yet and maybe you should have waited a little bit more. It might be very personal but did you have any issues with your own father? Do you think he was not loving and responsible or did not bring you up properly? I mean, why you did not want to have a baby? Were you scared that you might not be a good dad as your father was not? If this is the reason you do not want to be a father then it is serious and you have to solve your issues with your father by counselling, but if you have no issues ( I mean real issues not just minor disagreements with parents which are normal) then you might just need some time to get used to the big change. You might as well make a balance, and create some relaxing time with your wife, perhaps leaving the baby with grand parents or baby sitter and going out with your wife. The baby should not completely take your life from you.

My suggestion is that you do not blame yourself so much and do not think too much about it. Give it some time and do not feel guilty. Babies cry a lot during the first months but later they get better and they know how to make you love them. Especially girls. As soon as she grabs your finger and smiles at you, you will feel the connection. Try to spend some time with her when she is not crying or watch her when she is asleep, they look like angels when asleep. Touch her hands and feet and listen to her heartbeat. I am sure you will feel love very soon.

I know it is very hard to keep your feelings to yourself but some times being too open can hurt your partner so much that you cannot heal it later. Be more patient for your own sake. Things will change and you will feel happy again. It is just another form of happiness. Do not be scared of it. Your situation is like someone who does not know how to swim and has jumped into an ocean. Try to learn how to swim, and enjoy the wonders of the ocean. You are a learned man, you can do it.

Best wishes...

[LearningAsIGo]

First, I applaude your honesty. This is a sensitive subject and hopefully you will continue to be forthcoming with a professional as you have been here.

That being said, I do believe what you're feeling is normal. What it may come down to is how intense your feelings are and if you are willing to work at resolving those feelings.

Many men and women "resent" their children (particularly new babies) as a way to mourn their loss. Their "loss" being the life they left behind. Relationships, lifestyles, budgets, all of these things change drastically with a family and it can be quite hard to feel in control like you might have before. Its not uncommon to need longer than 6 weeks to bond with your child.

The reasons I think you should pursue professional help are varied. First, it could be a make or break factor in your marriage. Second, obviously, for yourself and your child's relationship. Third, your wife could very well want to expand your family further - and the communication issue (knowing you didn't want children, yet you relented) will only intensify.

Good luck to you and your family. Please don't be hindered in anyway to find professional help as it would be much more devastating to continue on without it.

[Annabelle789123]

I won't judge you at all. I am a woman and didn't have feelings at first either. It was post-partum blues-I wonder if men can get something similar? Now my child is a teenager and I wouldn't trade her for every bit of gold in the world! The older you are too I think might have an affect on things. You are so used to doing what you want, when you want without having to consider other people/things. It is very hard to change, but you have to be willing to...

[Eileen2005]

Another thought... my dad used to say that he did not want to have anything to do with babies before they were 4 months old! He also used to say all the time that love is killed after the baby arrives and told my mom that she loved us more than she loved him. He was jealous of us! I think my mom was crazy about us and she sacrificed a lot, but my dad, although he was a responsible and providing father, he wanted to have the relationship he used to have with my mom and we were on his way. He never hurt us and never left us or asked my mom to choose. We love him although we found his words annoying some times. He loves us very deeply and we know that. Well, we think he is selfish some times. I think my mom should have paid more attention to him after she had us. The same thing happened to me, after my daughter was born, my husband was so crazy about her, I some times felt I have lost him! I was not happy anymore. I loved my baby though, but I felt that my husband did not love me anymore. He did anything for her. Changing her diaper, singing for her... I was happy that he loved the baby but felt I was ignored! I think it was just my feelings. I also believe that babies change everything and if we do not learn to still enjoy life with them, we will not feel happy. We have not gone to a movie for 3 years now. We have never left my daughter with a babysitter. He thinks it is not important and we can spend time together at home. I do not feel comfortable leaving the baby with a babysitter either. Now that my daughter is older we go out to picnics together and we enjoy to see her having fun with us.

[Vlntnpop]

In a similar situation as you... became a father at 40 mainly because the woman of my dreams yearned for nothing more than a big family. Go figure, I married someone with a different opinion than mine in such an incredibly deep issue. Anyway, for the first few months the baby wanted things I couldn't give... except to hold, or to provide technical support. My wife is great in this, not allowing me to have to change diapers unless there's no other way... but still, hard to connect.

But then... he started to get his little personality. He's 17 months old now and walks, runs, has his favorite music, food, and he's a really good little kid. I'm so in love with him now it's ridiculous! When they start to interact with you it's really impressive. Give it a little time, and make time to be with your kid and develop interaction. That's when they start to acknowledge you and seek you out and engage you, and if your heart doesn't melt, you should see a cardiologist.

[missteetee]

Hello, I hope you can help me. I have just become a father for the first time and feel I am loosing the plot. I am 39 years old and been married for 5 years. I never ever wanted children and my wife knew this. However I agreed to have a child because she was so desperate for a family.
I convinced myself everything would be OK and I felt that as soon as I saw my child i would love it so much I would kick myself for not giving in earlier.
The problem was the first time I saw her all I felt was resentment. I have tried to bond with her over the last 6 weeks but I feel nothing. In fact as soon as she cries its like someone flicks a switch inside me and I feel real anger towards her.
I know I would never hurt her and I do know I want to protect and provide but this hurts me to say this but I dont love her.
Its now becoming a problem with my wife. She adores the baby and i know she is torn between the two of us. We had such a wonderful life together before, now its all changed.
It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I can't be a good father but I dont see a way out.
I can't go through life pretending to be happy and I can't stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I wont run away from this but at the moment i dont see a way to be happy again.
All I want it to love my daughter the way others do and feel a bond but all I feel is total dissapointment in myself for not feeling anything.

Sounds like post pardom depression which affects millions of women each year. I hope you have grown to love your baby by now, good luck.

[LoppyLolly]

I'm not going to be one of the people that call you awful names yadda yadda yadda... BUT you do need to seek help IMMEDIATELY. I JUST PRAY THAT YOU DO NOT GET TOO ANGRY AND HURT YOUR BABY GIRL.
Some mothers do the same thing but it is due to hormonal imbalances after birth. No offense, but if I was in your wife's position, it would be no contest... I would always choose my child over ANYONE on this earth. Tread Light & God Bless

[SweetDee]

Wow, I wonder what ever happened w/ this man. He posted this thread originally in June. For all we know he's not come back to read his responses...

Well here's MY two cents worth:

I feel like I can understand his plight. He did say he had a great life w/ his wife prior to the baby, which he only agreed to have w/ his significant other to make her happy. Thing is, baby's aren't really all that interesting for a lot of men, actually. The good news is that they do become more interesting as they grow up... thankfully.

He'll bond eventually as he sees the baby become a person.

I hope he comes back and reads all of ya'alls responses. You're all so smart!

[Sheacat]

I am the mother of a five month old, and I adore her... but having a baby is not easy even if you do want it. All everyone is saying is that now you know the problem. Fix it. He is only an if he hurts the baby or refuses to get help.

[Milo Dolezal]

Your response to new child is not so unusual. You will get attached to her as she grows. Just hang in-there...

[jmjoseph]

I think you should go to counseling like Fr Chuck suggested, if it doesn't get better, you should step aside and let this child be raised with LOVE. Your wife too. You seem to be only concerned about yourself right now. At least you thought right about not having kids, but they're non-returnable. I have two young sons and would fight a grizzly bear with a spoon to protect them, it's un-natural for you to feel this way, but I work with a guy who's even worse than you . Are you a BAD person? I don't think so. Selfish?Absolutely.This child is your blood, if the natural paternal instincts don't kick in, let these ladies find someone who will protect and love them like GOD intended. Sorry for my honesty, but you asked. May GOD bless you and your family.

[sajjw]

My husband never thougt much of our son when he was a baby, he said "babies are boring". Once he started running around and calling him "Daddy" his feelings soon developed and they started to build a relationship. This little person is going to be in your life for decades to come. Try to imagine what your child will be like as an adult. The early years can be very hard for both parents but it gets better I promise. You haven't chosen to feel this way, it must be awful and the fact that your feelings concern you shows that you care. Hang in there and make sure you regularly try to fit in things that relax you.

[basketballlover]

I would suggest going to see a professional. Even if you don't feel anything now it may change in the next year or so. Keep in mind that it is a baby and babies can't take care of themselves so naturally they'll cry. It's very normal. Just give the child a chance.

[Milo Dolezal]

Hello, I hope you can help me. I have just become a father for the first time and feel I am loosing the plot. I am 39 years old and been married for 5 years. I never ever wanted children and my wife knew this. However I agreed to have a child because she was so desperate for a family.
I convinced myself everything would be OK and I felt that as soon as I saw my child i would love it so much I would kick myself for not giving in earlier.
The problem was the first time I saw her all I felt was resentment. I have tried to bond with her over the last 6 weeks but I feel nothing. In fact as soon as she cries its like someone flicks a switch inside me and I feel real anger towards her.
I know I would never hurt her and I do know I want to protect and provide but this hurts me to say this but I dont love her.
Its now becoming a problem with my wife. She adores the baby and i know she is torn between the two of us. We had such a wonderful life together before, now its all changed.
It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I can't be a good father but I dont see a way out.
I can't go through life pretending to be happy and I can't stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I wont run away from this but at the moment i dont see a way to be happy again.
All I want it to love my daughter the way others do and feel a bond but all I feel is total dissapointment in myself for not feeling anything.

I am sorry to point this out - but you should NEVER do anything because some other person is "desperate" for something. Never. Having a child should be decided MUTUALLY and both woman and man should be 100% sure they want to spend next 20+ years taking care of their kids. Other wise, you should walk away from this partner and find another partner who shares your life plans. I know, sounds too harsh - but unfortunately, it is true.
Many men are good providers, good protectors, and responsible people - but they still feel like you expressed in your last two paragraphs. They are forced to learn very fast to do what ever is expected from them by others ( and by the system ) - not what they feel they should be / could be doing. Just go to any suburban subdivision on Saturday evening. You'll be able to see them there. They are in front of their houses washing driveways and clipping roses...
In any case, Hope your child will never become part of your "problem". Good luck to you. Milo

[cchimblo]

Not for not being a good father, but much earlier for your childish and selfish behavior.
So you are no longer the only one who she loves with whole her heart. So what?
Are you so afraid for losing her love that you are now desperately causing her to lose that love?

:confused:

Well at least you did choose your "handle" properly !

:D

I think you are just caught up in the situation. You really do love your child. Once all settles down and the baby starts communicating with you, smiling, hugging, cooing, playing and laughing all the time instead of crying, then you will start to let your guard down, and you and your darling little angel will bond and your daughter will become daddy's little girl. Then mommy may become jealous of how your baby girl wants to spend all of her time with her daddy while mommy takes care of her. What I am trying to say is just relax, it will come in time.

[Vidividi]

I realise that you believe that you agreed to a kid, in order to keep your wife. What you still don't seem to know is that you've lost her already. You've lost her the moment she chose an imaginary fetus over you. You've lost her about a year ago.
There is nothing wrong with you. You just made a stupid choice. You did something that you didn't want to do, in order to please someone else. Now you wonder why you're not happy with the results.
Your main problem is, that your stupid decision wasn't just a little oopsie. It was a whole new person. Even if you get out now, you're still looking at two decades of kid-support and a whole new person (and her mother by proxy), who will have a claim on you for the rest of your life.
Let me reiterate; there's nothing wrong with you. This is a normal result, when people are pressured to reproduce even thought they don't want to.

[violetmom]

I'm a mom and I went through something similar. It shouldn't be expected that you can seamlessly switch lifestyles. It's crazy to think that anyone really could. I think a lot of people feel the way you do but everyone is so hell bent on trying to look great that they don't realize that some people are just more raw than others. Back when our parents' parents were kids, it wasn't even a big deal to have kids. It's just something you did. I blame society for having these ridiculous stories and fantasies of perfect families and overprotective mothers and parents being completely selfless and spoiling their kids and yadda yadda yadda. Bonding will come over time. Bonding happens in weeks, months and years and it will get progressively easier as they become a permanent fixture in your life. Don't fret. I talked to a therapist and sort of ironed out my problems and got better much faster. It's a good life investment if you wanted to get some help. She not only helped me about my baby, but we worked out a lot of other things too. No shame in that. Keep your head up!