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TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 11:32 AM

Well I am engaged to the most wonderful man we had a wedding date set all was a go Until yes the soon to be mother in law. We have always gotten along I have asked her advice on a lot of things for the wedding but I am very strick about no children at MY wedding. My fiancé and I have a son that will be two when we get married and again I want NO children at MY wedding. But here is my problem she told us that she will be glad to babysit him for the wedding ( we already have sitters for people who do bring their children ) my fiancé said he's not getting married without his mom there ( understandable ) well I can't get married without a groom and he won't come if his mothers not coming and she won't come if my son is not coming and he is NOT coming.
I just don't feel a wedding is a place for children there will be drinks and a swimming pool at my reception and Im not watching my son on my big day. And I don't trust people that have been drinking all night to watch him either.
I have tried to compromise with he can not be in the wedding but when its picture time he can be in the pictures. I don't what children in my wedding video talking laughing crying running etc.
How do I get people to understand this is MY wedding??

Fr_Chuck · Jun 21, 2008, 11:36 AM

Simple, just don't get married, it is obvoius your soon ex will be listening to his mothers wishes over yours, unless he would like your child to be part of his special day also.

But for the record, I never attend weddings where children are not allowed myself, unless I am the minister.

kimdeelee · Jun 21, 2008, 11:40 AM

Damn talk to your man again and just lay it all out on the table and hopefully he will see things your way or talk to his mother one of them have to know where your coming from and hopefully one or both of them will change their mind

RedneckMama · Jun 21, 2008, 11:40 AM

Hire an outside babysitter who has no desire to attend your wedding to babysit your son...

lyns30 · Jun 21, 2008, 11:44 AM

I agree that your child should not be looked after by people drinking all day. It is also your husband to be's wedding so I think you should talk this through with him as the wedding is for the both of you? I feel that if you already have a son then he should be at the wedding as he is also a big part of your life and he may feel upset when he grows up that he was not there although he may have been to young to fully understand this at the time. If you already have sitters organised could your son not be looked after by one of these.

TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Simple, just don't get married, it is obvoius your soon ex will be listening to his mothers wishes over yours, unless he would like your child to be part of his special day also.

But for the record, I never attend weddings where children are not allowed myself, unless I am the minister.

My fiancé WOULD like our son to be there but he is OK with our outside sitter watching him

TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by RedneckMama

Hire an outside babysitter who has no desire to attend your wedding to babysit your son...

We have one already certified in child care and everything

TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 12:00 PM

The problem is my mother in law will not come if my son is not there.
My fiancé will not come if his mother is not there
And I do not think a wedding is a place for children... how do we compromise??

Fr_Chuck · Jun 21, 2008, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by TheBugsLife

my fiance WOULD like our son to be there but he is ok with our outside sitter watching him

He may want his child at his wedding more than you know or more than he is saying, if he did not really care or was OK with a sitter he would not be supporting his moms point of view and merely tell mom, sorry if you don't come you will miss a nice wedding, To me, it sounds like he is supporting mom to try and get what he wants also.

lyns30 · Jun 21, 2008, 01:24 PM

I think the compromise would need to be that your son will need to attend the wedding for at least some time as this is the argument. You and your husband to be should agree on a reasonable amount of time that your son should attend the wedding.

confused1145 · Jun 21, 2008, 01:43 PM

This is only a suggestion. Allow your child to be at the wedding and when it is over have the babysitter pick him up. This way your mother in law will attend and your soon to be husband will be happy. Your child should be there. I understand that you don't want your child around drinking, but that doesn't mean he can't be at the wedding itself. Just get him out of there before the drinking begins.

TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 03:27 PM

I suggested that he be a part of the pictures but not be there during the ceremony

danielnoahsmommy · Jun 21, 2008, 03:35 PM

Have your son there for the ceremony and pictures then have a sitter take him home

TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 03:43 PM

I suggested that he be there for the photos but not be there for the ceremony

I went to three weddings in the past yr and every one of them had a child ruin the wedding one of them the ring bearer threw the pillow the second one the flower girl ran down the alter screaming and the third one there was a mother that chaced her son around the dance floor all night

I want to enjoy my wedding as well as allowing my guest to enjoy themselves

RedneckMama · Jun 21, 2008, 04:03 PM

Well, you can try leaving your son with the sitter like you already have planned... and then gently remind everyone--fiancee & mother in law--that this is a ceremony.. lasting only ONE day... and that you're entitled to have your fairy tale wedding without having to play mama at the same time... remind them that your son is too young to know he missed anything and would probably much rather be off somewhere he can run loose and play with toys without a bunch of overdressed adults shooshing him and holding him down...

TheBugsLife · Jun 21, 2008, 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by RedneckMama

Well, you can try leaving your son with the sitter like you already have planned...and then gently remind everyone--fiancee & mother in law--that this is a ceremony..lasting only ONE day...and that you're entitled to have your fairy tale wedding without having to play mama at the same time...remind them that your son is too young to know he missed anything and would probably much rather be off somewhere he can run loose and play with toys without a bunch of overdressed adults shooshing him and holding him down...

That is what I keep saying to them... its almost like his mom is doing this to stop the wedding because I took her son and grandson 800 miles away from her

I almost fell this is her way at getting back at me

danielnoahsmommy · Jun 21, 2008, 05:08 PM

I had a three year old ring bearer and flower girl and three newborns and three children 8 and under. Every one behaved. So I can't agree with your fears 100%. But I wish you the best

RedneckMama · Jun 21, 2008, 05:43 PM

So there's noted tension between you and your future MIL, huh? Try a very "attract more bees with honey than vinegar approach" with your MIL... "I'd really like for all us adults to be able to enjoy this celebration together, without the kids being made to do something they don't like...this chance only comes around once for us (hopefully)...and since we live so far away from each other, I hope you'll be a big part of our celebration..it would mean so much to (insert fiancee's name here)..."

Then let your fiancée know that you approached his mom about it, and you would appreciate his backing you up on this no kids at the wedding issue... ask him flat out if his mother intends to boycott the wedding, what does that mean for him?

If he's as headstrong about his opinions on having your son there as you are on yours about not having any kids there.. you may just have to compromise... that's what marriage is all about, and unfortunately for you, it's starting at the wedding itself...

Alty · Jun 21, 2008, 05:52 PM

You don't want your own son to attend the wedding of his parents. This is a union between the three of you, not just you and soon to be hubby. Quite frankly, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's only one day, the wedding isn't the important thing, it's the marriage that matters. How can you hope to have a happy marriage if you are already upsetting his mother and him.

Sounds to me like it's your way or the highway. Talk to your fiancé about this, come up with a compromise, we can't do it for you.

Good luck.

Synnen · Jun 21, 2008, 05:58 PM

Basically, you tell your fiancée that if he backs you 100%, then he tells his mom to shape her butt up about this.

If he, for some reason, agrees with his mother, then he needs to TALK to you about it, not play childish games the way his mother is.

Or let him know that if he wants to play childish games instead of communicating--here's a GREAT game for him. It's called "This goes my way, or you tell me how YOU really feel about it and we work on it, and your mom is given the ultimatum that she comes to the wedding WITHOUT her grandson there or she doesn't see him at all---or I call off the wedding and move home with MY mom, and you can fight me for custody of our son because I'm done."

If THEY can issue ultimatims and call it fair play, you can too.

Basically it comes down to this, though: Your husband should ALWAYS back you over his family, at least to them. You can then fight it out privately between the two of you, but in public and for extended family, YOU must come first. If you don't, you will ALWAYS come second. My husband and I had this fight the first day after we were married. He agreed with his parents about soemthing, and basically it felt like he was choosing them over me, and that they were all ganging up on me. We fought, I slept on the couch that night, and we've NEVER had that problem again.

So basically, you talk to your fiance--NOT his mom--and figure out how he REALLY feels about this. If he really does agree with you, then HE --not you -- needs to talk to his mom and make her understand that it is NOT her wedding, and that he'll be sad if she's not there, but that he agrees with you, and that if she's not coming to the wedding, she won't be babysitting, either.