[sokay]

Hi, so he sent an email that he wants to come over this evening and talk to me. I didn't respond.

But last time he did come over without an invite and I'm sure he heard my TV, and my blinds were open etc, so he was knocking and calling me on the phone. I turned the ringer down. But He knew I was home so after an hour of 'hiding' I finally answered and talked to him. He wanted to see me 'face to face' but I said no I don't want to see you. So he was here a total of about three hours.

Anyway. I'm thinking he's probably going to come over in an hour or two. I tried to go out this afternoon and do stuff, but I am hot and tired, so I came home. Should I just pull the blinds and pretend not to be home, if he shows up? Should I write back/call tell him I don't want him to come over?

I feel like he's hanging on with hope & it's a bit unfair to him.

He says he's seen a counselor, but from what he says he has not yet figured out the issues between us. Should I tell him not to call till/unless he does? Keep ignoring/avoiding? Yes, if he straightened out all his issues I would want to reconcile, but the thing is he will probably tell me he 'gets it' but he really doesn't, and go back to his old ways. I have a previous post that explains more if necessary.

What to do? Any opinions please?

[N0help4u]

Yeah guys can be great for saying they get it and do good for a few months until they think they have you wrapped around their finger then they go back to the same old same old.
If you answer the door, ask him what he gets in detail. Tell him to tell you the problems/issues and then tell you the solution. You telling him what the problem is he will just say he will change and do better and not have a plan or a clue.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm not trying to be punitive by not getting back to him, I just think if we're going to break up we should just do it, false hope isn't a good thing for either of us.

Your own words, couldn't say it better myself.

I wouldn't stand at the door and let him make a speech at you... ever. He might nail the speech on the head and then where are you?. wasting another month as he trips over himself trying to do what isn't natural for him.

Do you have a guy friend he doesn't know who can come over and be there when he comes over soon? Perhaps he could be "taking you out"... know what I mean?

[sokay]

Yeah guys can be great for saying they get it and do good for a few months til they think they have you wrapped around their finger then they go back to the same old same old.
If you answer the door, ask him what he gets in detail. Tell him to tell you the problems/issues and then tell you the solution. You telling him what the problem is he will just say he will change and do better and not have a plan or a clue.

Funny you say that because yes, that's exactly what he's done before. Like last Saturday for instance, when I was on the phone with him. He couldn't explain in his own words what had caused problems between us, nor how to solve them.

[sokay]

Your own words, couldn't say it better myself.

...and then where are you?...wasting another month as he trips over himself trying to do what isn't natural for him.

Do you have a guy friend he doesn't know who can come over and be there when he comes over soon? Perhaps he could be "taking you out"...know what I mean?

I know what you mean about not natural for him. I believe behaving in a way that would be acceptable to most women in a relationship, is simply not natural to him, (neither is moving out of his parents' house, but that's another issue... ). I feel like I don't need to be mad at him, because he is who he is. (There's a saying about that I can't remember. Would you be mad at a jackass for biting your apple? Or something like that). More, I just feel frustrated.

Frustrated because he wants us together, I wouldn't mind reconciling if he stopped doing the behaviors. However no matter how I explain he just doesn't get it.

[sokay]

Break NC to tell him it's not working and why. Tell him again the issues that he'd need to work on? Tell him so he can talk to his counselor at their next session?

Ignore/avoid?

Don't know what's the right thing to do. Neither seems to be working.

[sokay]

Do you have a guy friend he doesn't know who can come over and be there when he comes over soon? Perhaps he could be "taking you out"...know what I mean?

I get what you mean, but I don't really have anybody on hand that could do that, but if I did, I wouldn't really want to involve other people in it, I suppose it could possibly be dangerous for them. That's not 'how I roll'. (lol at that phrase).

[ordinaryguy]

Don't know what's the right thing to do. Neither seems to be working.

Sounds like you've got a real desperado on your hands there. My guess is that he'll keep escalating his attempts to get in your face. If you haven't already, you need to get very firm and direct with him, something like "This relationship is over. There is nothing you can do at this point to salvage it. My mind is made up and I am not going to change it, no matter what you do or say." If he keeps coming to your door, call the police. Don't threaten, just do it.

[sokay]

I know, the reason I didn't want to call the police last time he came around is because I figured that would probably escalate the situation, which I don't want to do. I've heard if you ignore them they get bored with trying and move on.

If you answer even to tell them to 'go away' that gives them hope.

Maybe I'm going to try to say similar to what you said either on the phone or on email. I'm not sure yet what to do.

[talaniman]

Busy and unavailable. You don't have time for those 3 hour visits and refuse him any contact.
Is it rude to say "Leave me the heck alone"!. If you have to... NO!

[confused1145]

Don't answer the door, any of his emails, or his phone calls and he may eventually get the message.

[f104]

He sounds a little nutty. I would definitely have the police on speed dial.

[sokay]

Thanks for the help everyone. Last night he didn't come over but he just left a whole bunch of voicemails. I didn't answer the phone.

This morning he called and said he's coming over in a couple of hours. He says if I don't want him to come over to call him. From your responses it sounds like the best thing to do is just to continue ignoring/avoiding him. It seems like the logical thing to do to call him back and tell him not to come out, but maybe not.

I was going to do a bunch of yard work today with my mother but now I have to rearrange my schedule for the weekend because I don't want him coming over and making a scene with my mother here. And it's overcast today so it would be a good day to go out there and not get sunburnt again.

But I think I'm going to get dressed and go elsewhere today. Maybe I should leave a note on my door telling him he doesn't understand the issues and to go away. Or maybe I should just ignore and he can come to my door and knock for three hours while I'm not home. This whole thing is making me tired, and I can't get the stuff done I need to because I'm avoiding him.

[talaniman]

He says if I don't want him to come over to call him.

Either way he get to contact you. He is a nut.

I really think you need to make sure someone else is involved in this, with the authority to enforce your wishes.

Maybe a call to tell him if he shows up you call the cops. Then keep your word.

Got any big brothers?

[Romefalls19]

I agree, a call to the cops might be what this clown needs in order to get the message. The relationship is over, time for him to leave your life alone