[m welsh]

I have a 12 year old girl. Her attitude and personality since she started high school has changed so much. She has no respect for anyone else in the house, or family and friends. She will not do as she is asked, does not care if you take anything valuable away from her to try make her behave, will not talk to you always has so much attitude to us all. Tells me she hates me on a regular basis because I ask her to do something or won't let her do some thing, which is usually a result of her being verbal abusive. SHe wants to go to the primary school fayre this evening to see some old friends who did not follow her to high school, I am really reluctant to let her go as she has been so horrible with me. I try asking her and talking to her to see if there is a problem at school (which is usual as all her friends are so y and she is now tryign to compete with that) she does hot have trustworthy friends - but she will not take the time to listen, I usually get "what ? whay do you want?") After dropping her at the usual place this morning for school she shouted at me because she wanted dropping some where different today(literally 5o yds past the usual drop off point and she had not mentioned it) I would not go back and asked her politley to get out of the car, she would not get out until I asked for the 4/5th time then really slammed the door shouting she was going to her friends after school and not coming home. How can I control this ? She is getting impossible to manage. What I wanted to know was how do I handle the school fayre situation this evening ? Do I let her go or not, either way how do I handle it ? Thanks

[frangipanis]

Wow, what a locomotive. My daughter can be like that too sometimes and she turns 12 in November, so hasn't started high school yet. It drives me bereft at times. She can still also be very sweet and lovable.

I figure I have this year to make a real impact on changing her behaviour and have recently put my foot down... hard. After demanding I make a hairdressing appointment for her and after I asked her to earn that privilege by sharing in certain household chores for a week, she didn't like that idea and went ballistic. Between the barrage of verbal abuse I managed to say things like, "I don't want you to think that being obnoxious will get you what you want because you will end up using that tactic in all situations and eventually be left without any friends. It's my job as your mother who loves you unconditionally to help you learn how to get along with people. You don't have to like what's happening or everyone you meet, but you will learn to respect everyone... and that includes me.. So I will not let you try to control me with your anger and bullying." Boy, was it a dramatic evening and she finished up exhausting herself and falling into a deep sleep on my bed. I was so shaken and hurt by our argument that I had to hold her while she was sleeping and tell her how much I loved her. I must have held her for about an hour.

Since that major row she's been pretty good and I've been pleased with her attitude and behaviour. So far so good.

Some kids are actually wanting someone to take control for them, to show them where the boundaries are. If you want to make a point of letting her know her attitude is way of line, then maybe not taking her to the school fayre will help her see she really can't get away with being hateful towards you, and then expect you to ferry her around.

Hope that helps in some small way.

[m welsh]

Hi, gosh you made me cry, as I frequently go in and watch her sleeping thinking how beautiful she is and crying as I despair over how horrible she is to me. Kids eh? High school has changed her dramatically, I think I do need to be firmer and follow through my threats as it is so easy not to as you want them to have that nice hair do, or you want them to go have fun at the school fayre etc... and I love her so very much, she too can be such a wonderful person, although be it very few and far between at present. She is being so y at school too, an I honestly think its her way of handling the situations she is put under with pier pressure at school. Called her form teacher today to discuss her behavior and she has been involved in a few incidents in school, not in lesson time I might add, there are no issues with her behavior in lessons its free time and after school we need to nip in the bud. Her so called friends at school are so very y though, she has never been like that, I think she is doing it back to fit in with the crowd. Thank you for your advice, think I will try talking to her and setting a few guide lines at home. Think I will try the chores tact, so that she does not take everything for granted, see how I get on, I will let you know. Good luck with your daughter when she gets to high school!

[frangipanis]

Us mums, hey. We love our kids so much.

Best wishes to you and your daughter too, and yes, please let me know how you're both getting on. I'll be very interested as my turn is just around the corner :)

[lacharlesalex]

She just looking for a mother and a friend you should spend a lot more time with her and get to know her a little better take her for a ride and just start talking about the stuff she want to talk about see what's going threw her mind you got to get mind control over here don't let her know you doing it just keep talking and get inside her head make her feel loved bet there for her more than her friend will be there for her just to let you know her friend puttin her in that situation be here friend take her out shoppin trust me it will work