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westnlas · Jun 19, 2008, 09:41 PM

I had an episode today. I was at my wife's mother's house installing some new lawn sprinklers. I am retired and she is 86, we live very close. I do all the maintenance on her home that my disability allows. (I have lost the use of one arm by unsuccessful surgery and nerve damage following a full rotator cuff tear several years ago.) Anyway there is a lady in her late 50's who comes by and takes my mother-in-law's dog walking with her own dog. Today, I am trying to adjust a rotary sprinkler I had just installed. She's there with my wife and she says "It's watering in the street". Next she says "You don't want to water the street" OK, this darn thing adjusts by turning a screw with a screwdriver. I am sopping wet, trying to screw this thing in. Now she says "It's getting the sidewalk wet" My wife says "It's going onto the neighbor's lawn" I am still trying to get the throw adjusted when my wife says "That's a lot of water on the neighbor's side"
Here's where I completely lose it. I say quite loudly "Goddamn It Irene !! (Irene is my wife) I am trying to adjust the damn thing!!" She looks shocked at me. Turns to the lady and says "I must apologize for my husband's rude behavior". Now, I am completely mental. I manage to keep my mouth shut and keep working on the sprinkler. I finally turned and told the lady that I was sorry for being rude.
It's really stressful here because of this. My wife and I haven't said three words since this happened. My pain level is much worse. It gets worse with either weather or stress ? I am on a pain management program.
I don't act like this normally. Or at least not in a long time anyway. I felt like they were talking down to me a lot. I could actually see where the water was going and I am not a complete idiot. Until I open my mouth anyway.
Any thoughts?

JudyKayTee · Jun 19, 2008, 09:46 PM

Just speaking for myself, I would be heartbroken if my husband ever spoke to me like that in private or in public.

If this is the first time this has happened "in quite a while" I would think it's happened before and you really should talk to someone, try to get some help for your anger. It's not easy to be in pain and perhaps your medication is causing some of this reaction.

I'd check with the Doctor and then apologize to your wife - and if she loves you she'll accept the apology and the promise it will never happen again and life will go back to normal.

So the answer to the question - should my Doctor know this - is, in my opinion, most definitely yes.

IM4U · Jun 19, 2008, 10:02 PM

I think you and your wife need to talk through the episode that happened around the sprinkler. I think also that the two of you need to talk about your need for her support and involvement in your pain management program. If stress is an issue in your pain problems, then you need her to cooperate to a reasonable level in managing the stress around home.

It seems the water in the sprinkler system was not the only thing under pressure. From different directions and multiple "supervisors," you accumulated quite a load of it yourself. I do think you might inform folks around you that you need some "space" to work and that too many cooks spoil your broth. This needs to happen before you build up a "nuclear" level of explosive energy.

I don't know just what you need to tell your doctor. It may be that you need your doctor to do some telling--to the two of you about how emotional, mental, and relationship kinds of things fit into your pain and how the control of those fit into the management of it.

Maybe the explosive expletives need to be resolved with an apology. But for the future, (1) the folks around you whom you are trying to help need to give you the space to do it; (2) they also need to be informed about how you become stressed (they may know it now) when you have too many people trying to tell you what to do; and (3) you need to be able to give folks a gentle signal that it is time for them to back off so everyone will be okay with each other just a little later. (4) It is a thought of mine that if I have too many people telling me how to do what they want me to do in order to be of help to them, perhaps I just need to let them take care of it themselves. It might not take but one or two "walk-offs" before they learn to leave you alone and let you do "your thing" for them!

Now--to be fair to your wife, may I suggest she be given full opportunity to express herself about how you can contribute to the management of whatever "pain" she might have also!

westnlas · Jun 19, 2008, 10:33 PM

Actually, if I may add, the wife never was the cause of the outburst, it was more the other lady. I do understand the fact that my wife is under the pressure of not only being the person who does practically everything for her mom. She has been required to shoulder the burden of me too. I have not been able to drive or wholly take care of myself for a few years. The thing is, if I don't do the things that I can, they won't get done. Not keeping the property maintained has consequences in our city. But I really appreciate your response and support.

IM4U · Jun 19, 2008, 11:15 PM

Your comments are helpful. Thanks. Feel free to sift, sort, trash, save, use, or do whatever is helpful with the info.

I commend you for being so helpful. I hope everyone you help will be appreciative. That doesn't always happen, but it's great you can help others with things they cannot do for themselves.

Best wishes as you share your talent.

Choux · Jun 20, 2008, 06:14 AM

Your wife and the other woman were totally WRONG to **nag** you while you were working on the project. What a couple of b*tches!

Shame on your wife for not apologizing to you! Apparently, she cares more about what the neighbor is nagging about than she cares for your hard work.

Now, she is not talking to you... shows her immaturity.

Get her some flowers and take her out to dinner and give her time to apologize and thaw out. If she doesn't just forget about it.

smearcase · Jun 20, 2008, 07:34 AM

It is always wrong to lose your temper but with some of us it can happen automatically when circumstances cause a certain stress level. Combine it with pain and probably getting wet when you have no desire to be wet and you have an almost impossible situation.
You have apologized and were affected enough by the episode that you sought help here and are considering seeing a Doctor. You re probably on medications which can affect your emotions too.
I personally don't see a big problem. But if your wife is still hurt, both may need help.

westnlas · Jun 20, 2008, 12:33 PM

Thanks a lot guys. I stayed in the garage and outside yesterday afternoon washing our car, pruning the roses, etc. Out of sight out of mind. I gave it a lot of thought and realize, although I behaved badly, response wasn't uncalled for. I have said everything to my wife that I am going to say now. I started the house cleaning this morning and kept us busy again today. I am still a little hurt that my wife responded to the sprinklers in the way she did, but I will survive it. I will accept helpful criticism or comments quite readily on just about anything. When things get absolutely stupid, I tend to respond the same way.

Again I wish to thank all of you for letting me "vent". As I said, I no longer work or drive, so my social outlets are virtually non existent.

I need to have my pain meds and blood work done on a regular basis, I wasn't going to make a special appointment for this, but I guess I should tell her next appointment. Who knows, maybe I am losing it ?
Thanks again,

JudyKayTee · Jun 20, 2008, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by westnlas

Thanks a lot guys. I stayed in the garage and outside yesterday afternoon washing our car, pruning the roses, etc. Out of sight out of mind. I gave it a lot of thought and realize, although I behaved badly, response wasn't uncalled for. I have said everything to my wife that I am going to say now. I started the house cleaning this morning and kept us busy again today. I am still a little hurt that my wife responded to the sprinklers in the way she did, but I will survive it. I will accept helpful criticism or comments quite readily on just about anything. When things get absolutely stupid, I tend to respond the same way.

Again I wish to thank all of you for letting me "vent". As I said, I no longer work or drive, so my social outlets are virtually non existent.

I need to have my pain meds and blood work done on a regular basis, I wasn't going to make a special appointment for this, but I guess I should tell her next appointment. Who knows, maybe I am losing it ?
Thanks again,

Sorry, but the "you made me behave this way" explanation doesn't work with me. You're hurt? You screamed at her in public and now YOU have hurt feelings?

Must be a male/female thing.

So talk to your Doctor - maybe the secret is more social interaction. I don't know.

The other part of this is - and I don't know how long you've been married - it's not easy being the "sick person" but it's no walk in the park being the caretaker, basically watching your life change because your partner's life has changed. I'm sure your wife lies awake at night and wonders what will happen next - I know I did.

Trust me - I walked the walk, not talking out of the top of my head. I wouldn't change one second of it (I honestly wouldn't, wouldn't do it any other way) but I was lucky - my husband never took it out on me and I (hope) I never took it out on him.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 20, 2008, 03:54 PM

Your wife was totally out of place, you were trying to help your mother in law and your wife takes a neighbors side. But I would assume she complains about a lot of the things you do.

J_9 · Jun 20, 2008, 04:09 PM

Okay, I'm going to get a lot of disagrees here, but I can feel your frustration.

It was probably hot, you were soaking wet, and the sprinklers weren't doing what you had expected them to do. You were frustrated. You did not need the neighbor or your wife to point out the obvious to you. That just increased your frustration.

You have apologized, said your peace. Nothing more you can really do. I don't see a need to report this to your doctor unless it is an ongoing occurrence.

Okay, so you embarrassed her, but did they have continue to nag you about where the water was spraying. Like I said, you knew where it was going you didn't need them to point out the obvious.

Chadl0420 · Jun 20, 2008, 04:44 PM

Well I don't think you have a problem. People can only handle so much. I know from personal experience that its GOOD to yell once and awhile. I would have picked up the sprinkler and sprayed it right @ them ladies to avoid the "neighbors lawn" hahahahaha It's great to be nice, but don't be the nicest guy in the world or you'll end up the most walked over guy in the world.

westnlas · Jun 26, 2008, 03:43 PM

OK. My last update, to let you guys know what I did.

We were at my wife's best friends house in California for their 50th wedding anniversary celebration. We stayed with them for a few days. I waited until several of us were sitting outside enjoying the evening when I said "Hear the stupid thing I did ?" I told the story with funny embellishments and had everyone laughing pretty hard about the whole thing. Especially the part about the water going on the side walk after I got it adjusted from going in the street. My wife realizes that I said her name but was yelling at the neighbor lady. She even began to take my side in the matter. So, since my meds aren't making me too much different than I should be, I guess I'll not bother the doctor on my next visit.

I really appreciate everyone's input. I do take enough pain killers in a day to affect my thinking and actions. Generally, I keep my mouth shut until I can think things through, as I know the drugs are talking. I try to take less than prescribed and sometimes, that messes things up a bit, but the alternative is not an option at this time.

Thanks again,

starbuck8 · Jun 27, 2008, 12:40 AM

Originally Posted by westnlas

OK. My last update, to let you guys know what I did.

We were at my wife's best friends house in California for their 50th wedding anniversary celebration. We stayed with them for a few days. I waited until several of us were sitting outside enjoying the evening when I said "Hear the stupid thing I did ?" I told the story with funny embellishments and had everyone laughing pretty hard about the whole thing. Especially the part about the water going on the side walk after I got it adjusted from going in the street. My wife realizes that I said her name but was yelling at the neighbor lady. She even began to take my side in the matter. So, since my meds aren't making me too much different than I should be, I guess I'll not bother the doctor on my next visit.

I really appreciate everyone's input. I do take enough pain killers in a day to affect my thinking and actions. Generally, I keep my mouth shut until I can think things through, as I know the drugs are talking. I try to take less than prescribed and sometimes, that messes things up a bit, but the alternative is not an option at this time.

Thanks again,

I'm glad you got this all worked out. Everyone's tempers flare a little, now and then. Unless this happens often, and to me it doesn't sound like this is a common occurrence. You were trying to do a job, and you got frustrated by the comments from the neighbor lady. Your wife got the brunt of your frustration. Nothing more, nothing less. You appologized, and all is good now. If this was something that you did on a regular basis, I don't think you would have felt so badly about it, and asked your question here.

I'm glad your wife realized that you were just really not needing the input from the neighbor, at the time when you were trying to fix what was going on with the sprinkler. :)

N0help4u · Jun 27, 2008, 07:41 AM

I basically agree with choux and the others your wife should realize your health problems and you were working on the thing so she should have just left you be until you went to walk away. She evidently holds grudges and gives the silent treatment which further proves her wrong in handling things

westnlas · Jun 27, 2008, 06:02 PM

You are correct, but I cannot fault her. Heck, she has to do all the driving for her mother and us both. All the shopping (I try to help), write her mom's checks, vacuum both houses. (That I cannot do at all) and she still catches flack from her siblings. They seem worried the old woman will spend her money before she dies. Yes, my wife is hard to get along with right now, but I feel bad for making it worse for her. But we all get past things, or we don't. She has problems accepting reality.

IM4U · Jun 27, 2008, 06:08 PM

Sounds like a man who is open to personal growth and insight here. I commend you.

cmc1985 · Jul 1, 2008, 01:36 AM

I can see why your wife was shocked that you said that if you've never been one to yell like that before. But at the same time, she knew you were trying to fix the sprinklers. Maybe she was teasing you? I don't know.

kp2171 · Jul 3, 2008, 07:23 AM

Originally Posted by westnlas

I could actually see where the water was going and I am not a complete idiot...
Any thoughts?

When I've stated "im not a complete idiot" to my betrothed her response is an immediate "you arent?!"

They were nagging, even if it wasn't intended to irritate you, and you flew off the deep end, even if you didn't mean to. Both sides should be sorry. Glad it worked itself out at the party.

JudyKayTee · Jul 3, 2008, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

when ive stated "im not a complete idiot" to my betrothed her response is an immediate "you arent?!"

they were nagging, even if it wasnt intended to irritate you, and you flew off the deep end, even if you didnt mean to. both sides should be sorry. glad it worked itself out at the party.

That's why you should never say, "Do I look like an idiot to you?" The other person may say, "Yes."

Comes under the "never ask a question when you're not positive of the answer" category.

(Got to like your betrothed - !)