[NordyGal]

Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now. When we first got together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Sex was a very important part of our relationship, and it was balanced with many other things: "us" time, playing computer games, going out with friends, cooking dinner together... the seemingly perfect balance of everything a relationship should involve. Then, it just died.

I've talked to him about it many times, and he says he needs more effort on my part. It's embarrassing to say, but I've been pretty much begging him to have sex with me. I've asked him what he considers "effort", and he says I need to figure it out on my own. He tells me he doesn't want to have sex because he's not happy with his self image, but I love every inch of him the way he is, and I tell him that.

I'm torn about what to do - our relationship is beautiful in every aspect of the word except for our sex life. We have had sex about once a month for the last five months, and it's making me crazy. I have a healthy sex drive, and would give anything to have him want me more often.

I've asked him to sit down with me several times - and we are doing it again tonight. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Advice?

[Synnen]

Tell him that you're not a flippin' mind reader, and that if he wants you to "put in more effort", he'd better tell you what the effort is.

If he's not willing to communicate, then it's a power thing, and you're better off without him, period. I know you love him--but seriously, relationships are about communication and trust, and he's basically throwing YOU into feeling bad for something HE won't do -- or talk about!

If he won't talk to you about it, and you let him pull the "if you can't figure it out, then nevermind" crap... well, you're just BOTH going to be miserable.

Seriously--communication is KEY. If you can't talk about sex together, you won't HAVE good sex together.

PS--maybe this is harsh, but I have no patience for people who play games like he seems to be: Tell him that unless HE makes more effort to communicate, all of YOUR effort is going to be going to packing. Betcha he's not so unwilling to talk if you're willing to leave.

[Choux]

Excellent answers, so far.

Hmmm, well, he wants you to "make an effort"... that means he feels like he is carrying the relationship; he wants you to be an equal partner. He *may* feel like you are somewhat a burden to him emotionally even though he loves you.

From my point of view, I think that every woman needs to have her own life and own separate interests which she can bring back to the marriage/relationship. New experiences to talk over, problems to solve together. Whatever, not stagnant. Vibrant and alive.

In the old days, men used to refer to their wives as "the old ball and chain"... that is death to good sex and being happy to see each other at the end of the day.

Best wishes, I hope you can straighten out the problems you face today.

[NordyGal]

While I appreciate the time you have taken to reply to my question, it seems that everyone's way around this is communicate or get out.

I'm not a quitter. I'm not someone to walk away from a person just because of something that's not just what I want.

Does anyone had advice as to how to get him to talk to me about this, rather than telling me to pack my bags and take a hike? It seems to be a touchy subject for him - I bring it up, and he's quick to tell me to make effort, tells me he hates his body image, and then we move on to other things.

What can I do to try to probe him into talking to me, so that he knows it's something I want to HELP him and I get through, and I'm not looking for just a way out?

[statictable]

You both need a healthy "life" outside of your relationship.

[Credendovidis]

Does anyone had advice as to how to get him to talk to me about this, rather than telling me to pack my bags and take a hike?

I understand why you think this way, but how can you expect anyone to provide you with advice how to talk to him, if he simply is not willing to communicate? "You have to figure that out" is no communication, but a clincher.

Can there be any possibility that he is embarrassed to tell you what it is? In an 8 months dating relation that seems rather strange, but is possible. How about personal hygiene? Body-smell and general cleanliness? Or about approach : Behavior and presentation? Can the cause be in such a direction ?

Discuss this once more with him and assure him that you need more input from his side.
An important part of your relation - sex, trust, and communication - is increasingly going downwards, and this relation is heading down the drain.
Although you do not want to accept that, I fear for you that those who posted "communicate or get out" gave you the right advice!

:rolleyes:

[Synnen]

Well... don't let him move on to other things.

I know you are trying to do this without upsetting him, and that you want to have a calm rational discussion about it. That may be possible---on your side. On his--he doesn't want to tell you. So--either let him know that you won't be MAKING any more effort unless he tells you what it is that he wants from you, or stop letting him change the subject when it gets into effort and body image.

I don't know him--I can't tell you what to say to him. Are you two members of a church? Oftentimes a church will have free couples counseling of some sort.

We're not saying you're a quitter--but we ARE saying that 8 months isn't that long a time to have invested, and you can not FORCE him to talk to you.

I'm not a nice person, much of the time. I would have lost patience with this guy already, and basically said, "well, whatever your body image problems, you're passing them on to me, because I'm starting to feel undesirable by the fact that you make me chase you, never do the chasing yourself, and I STILL don't get any nookie. I feel I'm making effort, so unless you want to tell me what MORE effort is, take off your pants, because I'm done trying, and you're just going to have to put more effort into putting out".

Because in the end, it should NEVER be one partner carrying all of the weight of any given aspect of a relationship. If he won't talk to you, won't compromise, won't SERIOUSLY work on it, won't go to counseling, and doesn't change at all--well, again, 8 months isn't all THAT long of a relationship, and it's better to walk away from 8 months of trying to make it work one-sided than 8 years of it.

[NordyGal]

I appreciate all of the new feedback you've all been able to provide to me. It's nice that along with the worries about the time investments, that there are suggestions on how to fix it, too. Thanks, again.

Randomly, last night, he came to me for some lovin'. We had a fabulous night filled with nookie and love making. Today, the same thing.

Now, I don't know what changed, or if it is the fact that I continually bring up the same issue, over and over.

Any suggestions on how to incorporate a more regular sex life into the mix of things?

[lacharlesalex]

OK next time when he want some sex make him beg my girlfriend do it all the time and them more he begs don't let him beg to long tease him just a little bit show him what he is missing sometime I be tired when I get home from work I just don't feel like doing nothing and the only way she will get me going she will walk around the house naked and rub oil all over her body when that light shine on her body I just can wait anymore I say forget it she givein it to me I don't have to beg anymore bring him to you don't go for him you go for him that means you lost the game what ever the game he"s playing

[NordyGal]

Maybe I was being too stubborn - expecting too much of him.

I sat him down, we talked about things, and I askd him to clarify a lot of things for me.

And -- bah dah bing! We've had a healthy sex life for about a week.

What could have caused us to get in the "rut" we were in, I'm not sure. But I do know this - communication is what it took for us to get out of it.

And I just needed a bit of guidance and perspective from others to get me in that direction.

Thanks to all!

[Kadehadaire]

Who is EL MUDDAHASSADA and why is he disagreeing with everything?
Personally, I was surprised when Nordaygirl you said that your boyfriend said he needed more effort from you. Surely the problem lies with him and he's the one who needs to put more effort in? Perhaps it's the time of day that you try to arouse him? Is he particularly tired?

Sometimes a break from sex can remind you how precious it is.

[smoothy]

How old is he? Has there been any major life changes for him recently as in at work, any new medications , death in the family etc. There are a number of things that can depress the male libido depending on his age.

[Sweetisleslie]

It’s nice that you and your guy have worked things out. I hope that you guys stay on this sexa-thon kick…
Now, lets talk woman to woman…The strongest sign of a cheating man is LACK OF SEX… Men are sexual beings… It’s been scientifically proven that men physically NEED to have sex… They need to release there seed…
Usually if a man isn’t “letting it out” in his girl, he’s letting it out in is in someone else… Unless a man has a need for Viagra, COMPLETELY not attracted to the willing party, or his girl isn’t doing her… part (hygiene, bad breath)… It takes a lot of self control for a man to turn down sex.
I have a lot of male friends, and the biggest complaint that I hear from them is that they don’t get enough sex from there girlfriends, or wives… It’s us as women are supposed to be the camels of sex, and it’s the men who usually beg.
Believe me, I’ve been in your shoes, and I had to learn the hard way… I would ask to the point of desperate begging when came to having sex with my man… and he would tell me no… I would ask him “why?” … and he would say, that I wasn’t creative enough, or he was too tired, or I should know what makes him tick… Just so you know… when it comes to sex, I’m a costume wearing, role playing, freak… I started to question everything about myself… Now I know he was telling me these things to throw me off his radar… When I would complain long enough he would give me sex for a couple of weeks, I would fall into a euphoric state, and would go back to his vow of celibacy… I eventually found out he was releasing his self into my neighbor… Embarrassment was felt when he turned me down for sex, but it was extremely humiliating finding out he was cheating on me, after I put so much into our relationship…
Sex isn’t the foundation of a meaningful relationship but it’s definitely one of the pillars the insures the unions stability …
I’m not suggesting you take this to Jerry Springer … But, I think you should keep your eyes open on his behavior in the bed room, and in other situations… If you see a change in his technique or he suggest something new… You may need to start sniffing around. Unless your man is a pornaholic, where did the idea for the new position come from? Pay attention to his orgasm patterns… If you guys have waited a while, and you finally have sex, and he’s quick… you’re safe… BUT, If its been a while, and he takes longer than 10-15 minutes… get to sniffing, because a man who has sex on regular usually won't orgasm very quickly… unless of course , he has a problem. Ask him if he’s cheated in previous relationships… If he tells you yes, then you might need to keep your eyes open, because most cheaters will cheat again.
Women to women, I just want to help you out… When I read your first entry, I had to check the name to make sure I didn’t write it myself…
Remember the only persons actions you can control are your own… Don’t let this man make a fool out off you… READ THE SIGNS

[Synnen]

Wow.

I don't know what age of men you're used to dealing with, Sweetisleslie, but I know MANY men who are too stressed, tired, or whatever to keep up their end of the sex thing sometimes.

New ideas for stuff in the bedroom can come from anywhere--I get them occasionally at the grocery store or Target--not necessarily from porn or cheating.

Release can come from your HAND as easily as it can come from the neighbor, you know. Even if it's been a while, I know that my husband can last quite some time in bed--which I consider to be a sign of his MENTAL control, not a sign of cheating.

Sometimes it really is just a sexual rut, driven by stress, tiredness, lack of feeling appreciated, whatever.