[sparklemom]

Hello everyone I'm new here. I'm looking for some peace... Here's my situation..
My father has always been a very toxic person as long as I've known him. He has a laundry list of people he hates, most of which are family. He belittles, constantly full of sarcasm, does things (he calls it helping) w/ false pretenses, blames everyone else,jealous,critcizes, spins what you say, mocks, right all the time, condesending. He's not a loving father and not at all a loving grandfather to my children.
My father also has had "projects". Which consist of buying entire homes, fixing them and selling them. When a project is underway my husband is expected to help. But, there is never a phonecall placed so he can plan for it. All there is is disdain for my husband because he doesn't "help". My mother has actaully told me I will be punished for my husband not helping him. Needless to say I am treated badly as well. My husband works long weeks, we have 3 kids, our own things going on. He should not be expected to work weekends too. Let me add... if my dad actually did call and make plans with him.. he's be right there.
Several painful and hurtful events took place since then (too long to mention) that have led me to make the decision I have made. I no longer wish to have a relationship with him. My mom, sister and brother have told me to "let it roll off" and "I'm too sensitive" and "dont worry about it". But I'm physically sick and anxious when I'm around him.. I knew what was happening to me was wrong. I know I'm really rocking the boat here, because NO ONE has ever stood up to him. My mom, sister and brother hardly talk at ALL about it. It's as if nothing happened. It's been 6 months now and I did go over my mom and dads house to try and talk (my mom pushed me into doing it) My familiy was completely shot down. He said horrible things about my family. NONE of which are true.
I am in counseling and it is really helping. My husband and I have a great relationship and I have a really great supprt system in place for days I need help. I still feel like I have a broken spirit. And I don't fully trust my mom and sister. My brother undertstands, even though we don't talk about it. He's divorced and feels my dad was about 50% responsible for it. He relies on anti-anxiety medication to get through the day ( 3 kinds). Any words of encouragement or additional support would really help.

[N0help4u]

You need to do what is best in your life and don't worry about how they take it.
IF they want to talk reasonably then tell them you are more than willing to be there and even help but you should not be belittled when you go out of your way to do so.

Here are some sites that might be helpful
toxic people - Google Search

[bushg]

People like that are toxic, if you allow them to be.

I bet you have always went to great lengths for him to understand your reasoning, because you want him to understand and not be mad at you.

He does not want to understand or isn't capable of understanding, he wants to control everyone and every situation around him. He will go to whatever means to do it and if you don't see it his way then you are crap. You have probably spent all of your life trying to make him happy, Not possible so stop trying.

Learn to be content in your truth, after all that is truly all that matters. When we lay down by ourselves at night, when all is quiet and we reflect on our day, be at peace with the choices that you made. Don't let him tell you what your intentions were/are and don't argue what good will it do?

I decide in my life what is right or wrong, what I need to do or what I don't need to do, and what my intentions are. I know me , I know what is in my heart. That is all I need.

Live your life for yourself doing what makes you happy and what is right as a human being. Get over the guilt of not being able to please him.

Here's a poem that I would like for you to read. I hope it helps you. You deserve to be at peace.



Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
And remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
And listen to others,
Even the dull and the ignorant;
They too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
They are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vain and bitter;
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
Many persons strive for high ideals;
And everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
It is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
Be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
Whatever you conceive Him to be,
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
In the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

[sparklemom]

Thank you both, that is exactly it. I can and never have been able to do anything right. I have constantly searched for approval and never received it. He does have to control everything. Always has the last word. I don't know why my mom stays with him. He hates her entire family. Only in last few years he has decided he would not have a problem with my mother's parents so she now has an easier time seeing them. But he would tell me that he only does it so she can see how stupid they really are and to free himself of guilt if they passed away. I only in the last 6 yrs or so have renewed my relationship with my grandparents. I was estranged from them for most of my teen age yrs and young adult life.
My dad has disabled my brother so badly that he is uncapable of making any decsions on his own. The car he owns and the home he lives in now (post divorce) is possible because of my dad. Which wouldn't be a bad thing if it wasn't held over your head. But my dad lets him think he is his only source of help.
The cruel things he has said about my family just haunts me. I'm trying to let it go. It's a lot of verbal abuse. I confronted him about why he talked to me the way he does and he said I deserve it. I don't deserve any of it.

[George_1950]

There is no reason to let your father make you sick. I didn't notice whether you are in a small town, but if you are, move away. After a while, you may consider writing him a letter to open a dialogue about why you and your family have taken the steps you felt are necessary.

[N0help4u]

Sounds like you and your brother could both be helped by reading up on co-dependency to get some insight on breaking from your dad.

Codependency

co dependency - Google Search

[sparklemom]

I will definitely read up on co-dependency. Not sure my brother, sister or mom will though. I wish it didn't hurt as bad as it does. I don't live in a small town, it's pretty big. We can totally avoid him. Which is good. But I am considering moving.

[N0help4u]

Well even if your brother won't check into co-dependency if you understand it better then you can explain better ways to related and deal with your dad to him. It sounds like he needs it because if it is affecting his life that bad then he most likely has some serious co dependent issues.

[sparklemom]

None of them will even admit there is a problem. All I evr hear is "oh thats just his personality" or"you know your dad" My sister had the nerve to ask me the other day if I would at least keep my relationship with him. How can I after what he said to me and my husband is not welcome in their home??

[Choux]

This is really important. Does your husband have a full time job so he can take care of you and the children?

If so, you can just cut off contact with your father; he is a bully, a self-centered brute.

Remember, you and your husband can't go back to him and ask for any financial help of any kind.

Best wishes, life is hard enough without unpleasant people to deal with.

[sparklemom]

My husband has a great career/job. I stay at home with my kids. I have never asked my father for financial help, ever. I know better. He would hold that over my head forever.

[sparklemom]

Some days I'm fine, other days I feel depressed, sad, and cast out. With father's day just passing, I 'm having some of those bad couple days.

[Choux]

I see, of course, Father's Day, all the reminders of what you would have wanted in a great father, but missed.

For me, one of the most difficult sadness' I had to face in my life... that my father and mother would never be the parents I needed when I was a child. Great sadness. Can't say I ever got over it entirely, but I found a way not to be too emotionally tied up.

You have to expect sad days, but not sad weeks and months.

My very best wishes to you, :)

[almostgrownup]

You remind me a lot of myself n one of my own relationships. See, you fight and fight and fight to try and have a realationship with him, and you haven't said to yourself. You know what I am OK. You can't make him be the way you would like for him to be. You've tried, let go for a while. Pull yourself away from the problem. It sounds like you have a good man, and three kids! Yikes! If he can't see what this is doing to you, and doesn't change it then he DOESN'T CARE enough about you. He does it because you allow it.

[sparklemom]

I see what u are saying.I still have this horrible feeling inside, I want it to go away! Why do you fell so badly, even when so many people around support and love you?

[almostgrownup]

Wish I knew. Maybe it's the times you feel not so whole. I saw other Dads that were the way I wanted mine to be. For me, I wrote my DAD off years ago for beating my mom. And I just said forget it. My mom, though is manipulative, a controller of information for her benefit. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I sound tough in that email, and to a large degree I separated myself from them. Cause in order to be the kind of Dad I wanted growing up I knew there wasn't any point in taking lessons from either of my parents. I decided to just make my own way come hell or high water, and they either get with my program, or they miss out on seeing me and my family. But sometimes I still want to feel that. Its not easy, at times I waivered, it took me like two years of doing my own thing and suffering some hardships that have made me better although I didn't see it at the time. Sometimes, yea I still want to hear an "I love you" from my DAD. But its never going to come. So I tell my daughters I love them more than I should and establishing that connection with them, helps replace the one I never had growing up. But what I did was take away their power to use their knowledge that I wanted that feeling against me. And after about three years, we talk, and we have unspoken boundaries. They know to stay in them or I walk. Its still in a building process, but it has to start with you taking that power from them. Just let it go, when you feel you want it. Call someone else, I guarantee they will get the idea. And have to start dealing with YOU, and YOUR husband. Not deal with what they think you guys shouls be. I don't know, worked for me.
By the way... this website got me through yesterday and I am a little bit better today. So thanks!

[linnealand]

I totally know what you're talking about! My dad is a toxic narcissist and a master manipulator, but he's also a very important psychologist.

I suffered from severe anxiety for a couple of years as a result of what he did to me. Now I'm totally over that, but certain things still get to me in a seriously deep way no matter what I do to try to let it go.

Here's what I've found most helpful:

-total financial independence
-i only tell him positive things about my life. If I were to ask his advice or tell him about something that's wrong even if it's not my fault, he would totally jump on the chance to wreck me
-consider him in my mind as a small, retarded child (not meant to offend here)

There's obviously a lot wrong with their wiring. If you have to go, then go. I often wish I could turn away and never look back. At least I live in a different country from him. It's your life, and you've already done enough putting up with him. I know there have to be support groups for these things...
-

[sparklemom]

mine is too.. total manipulator, spin doctor, hates everyone. He has single handedly laid waste to almost my whole family. My mother is in so much denial. My sister still lives at home, so she doesn't see it, my brother is divorced and is beholden to him and my mom. My Dad hates my mothers parents and her brother and sister. My Dad's family doesn't live in this country either. But most of his sisters are not speaking to each other. The little family he does have here.. he thinks they are s. He hates my husband. He hates my brothers x-wife. He hates her family too. He doesn't like my in-laws. My parents have gone through many friendships throughout the yrs. The list is a mile long.
I can't take the pain of being around him at all. He says the most awful things to me and it just messes with my head. I can't take it anymore.. the headaches, stomach pain, chest pain, bathroom issues, cold sweats, heart racing, depression, fatigue. I have always had a really great relationship with my mom, sister and brother. Since I have made his "break" from him they have become distant. We all still talk, but not like before. I also now nervous around them and distrustful because I don't know their real feelings. I have told them how I feel and my reasoning. They can't even look me in the eye! I am seeing a doctor now, I have for a few months. I made the mistake of telling my mom and brother That I was in counseling. And it got back to him. I didn't want him to know because he would spin the situation. And of course that is exactly what happened. I was really disappointed in both of them. Still am. There was another time my mom manipulated a situation to get me to talk w/ him. I wasn't ready. But I did it for her. He attacked, beliitled, and humilated me and my family. I can't do it anymore.

[linnealand]

In my opinion, whoever knows that something is wrong and doesn't do anything to fix it is as guilty as the one creating the problem.

I know it would be a lot less painful if you were just like him, or if you didn't see what he does for what it is!

But the fact that you DO know the difference, and that you yourself are different from him, gives you and your children the chance to break the cycle.

I think that's what makes a hero.