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e46 · Jun 15, 2008, 10:46 PM

Hello everyone, I'm currently going through a rough stretch. My girlfriend of a year and a half told me two days ago that she still loves me but needs space. The past month was really good for us, no fighting, and just enjoying our time together. Five days before she asked for space she said she wanted an engagement ring, and that we should get engaged. We ended up getting into a fight because her friend who just came back from living in New York asked her to give her a ride to fill out an application for a job. I got angry because she said she would call me to let me know how things were going, well an hour later I didn't hear from her and called her. She didn't answer the phone then called me right back, I overreacted and told her I didn't want to talk to her. The reason I acted like this is because two of her past friends took advantage of her and I had to help her get rid of them. They were on drugs and were stealing stuff from her and my house. Because of these past issues I feel that I let insecurites from the past cloud my vison. She told me a couple of days ago that she needs to find herself and get herself together. She told me that she has lost all of her friendships and that she doesn't know how to make friends. I feel its unfair, because she never told me any of these things were bothering her. I know she loves me and I have not contacted her in two days. In the mean time all of her clothes are still at my house and so are her cats. And on her myspace page she still has me as her number one and has pictures of us all over her page. She also set her mood to gloomy. I don't know if any of these things mean anything but I'm really confused. I've been keeping myself busy and went out with my friends a couple times last week. I'm holding up pretty good but am still madly in love with her. I need some advice.

Chery · Jun 16, 2008, 12:14 AM

What was your reaction to her suggesting an engagement ring?
Are all of her 'friends' creating a negative reaction from you?

Anyone asking for space means it, so I would suggest you give it and hope for the best. This will also give you time to think of taking this relationship further or if it has lost it's spark and what you are willing to do to be comfotable with each other again.

simoneaugie · Jun 16, 2008, 02:35 AM

If you truly love her, and I think you do, fairness has nothing to do with it. When you love her as your friend, she needs space, you give it. You know how to keep yourself busy. If the relationship is meant to be she will come out of her "gloomy" phase and come back.

talaniman · Jun 16, 2008, 06:28 AM

Give her what she asked for, and keep yourself respect by not acting immature, needy, or making a pest of yourself. A good time to reflect, and regroup, and reorganize your life.

kulek · Jun 16, 2008, 06:36 AM

Give her space.

freeatlast1 · Jun 16, 2008, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by e46

We ended up getting into a fight because her friend who just came back from living in New York asked her to give her a ride to fill out an application for a job. I got angry because she said she would call me to let me know how things were going, well an hour later I didnt hear from her and called her. She didnt answer the phone then called me right back, I overreacted and told her I didnt want to talk to her. The reason I acted like this is because two of her past friends took advantage of her and I had to help her get rid of them. They were on drugs and were stealing stuff from her and my house. Because of these past issues I feel that I let insecurites from the past cloud my vison.

The older I get, the more I realize that no relationship hinges on one thing that anyone has done or said, unless it's really something bad like cheating or stealing or whatever. You can kick yourself to death, wondering what you did or said wrong, but when it comes down to it, if she broke up with you, it had a lot more to do than with one incident.

e46 · Jun 16, 2008, 11:31 AM

Thank you for the support. When she brought up the engagement I told her that we would have to wait and see how smoothly things went for awhile. I told her I was going to get her a ring but I wanted to wait for the right time. Ive always been supportive of what she has chosen to do. But when it comes to her friends I can admit that I'm really not that supportive. Its just strange that the realationship ended so abrublty and that she hasn't called yet. If she doesn't call in another week should I keep up n/c? Will she ever call me again, or is that something that is really unsure at this point?

mafiaangel180 · Jun 16, 2008, 11:41 AM

She doesn't have friends because you helped her rid herself of them. Which may be a good thing. But she probably is a little bitter because she doesn't have any. So when she finally hangs out with someone, you kind of wig out on her. Yeah, she's probably bitter that she can't have anyone else in her life. Just give her the space that she is asking for. Don't call or bug her. Let things sort themselves out. Let her contact you.

starlite1 · Jun 16, 2008, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by e46

Thank you for the support. When she brought up the engagement I told her that we would have to wait and see how smoothly things went for awhile. I told her I was going to get her a ring but I wanted to wait for the right time. Ive always been supportive of what she has chosen to do. But when it comes to her friends I can admit that im really not that supportive. Its just strange that the realationship ended so abrublty and that she hasnt called yet. If she doesnt call in another week should I keep up n/c? Will she ever call me again, or is that something that is really unsure at this point?

Hi E46,

I think the best thing for you to do, even though it is hard, is to wait until she calls you. If you don't hear from her, I still don't think you should call her. I think she needs to figure things out for herself, and it's best that you both have your space. You need to keep as busy as you can, try not to dwell on her, or what she is doing, thinking, etc. You must try and be strong, and time will tell, either way.

MissSarahAnee · Jun 16, 2008, 12:15 PM

Maybe instead of getting upset about the situation,just show her you understand... send her flower with a sweet card but don't give them to her personally if you don't have a professional deliver them, put them on her car or something sweet. Whatever you do make sure you let her know that you are okay with giving her space but she still is your number one.. you don't know there might be feeling going through her that she can't explain sometimes its really hard to give up all your friends and still be happy especially when u are not meeting new people.

e46 · Jun 16, 2008, 01:18 PM

I know that space is the best thing to do right now, but Im just really confused. I know she wanted to get engaged and that she still loves me very much. Im just not sure if she's taking space to get over me, or to help our relationship in the long run. Like I said all of her clothes and personal belongings are still here. And on her myspace page she still has pictures of us. She also has me as her number one, and that she is still in a relationship. Both of her cats are here. All of these things are making me confused, and wondering what her true intentions are.

Chery · Jun 16, 2008, 07:53 PM

She said she needed space. She didn't say bye, that's it, so long, etc. She did not officially break up with you.

She probably feels just as lonely and confused as you do right now and is wondering why you don't contact her. A relationship needs trust, mutual respect and assurance.. but if you put everything else in her life in question and make all the decisions, she might feel that you don't trust her to make decisions on her own, and that hurts any woman, no matter how much she loves you. Give her some air to breathe. If a man I loved tried to totally control my life, I would be sad and confused too - and would need time to think.

I would send greetings through myspace, let her know the cats are doing fine but missing her - try not to ask too many questions and don't be disrespectful.

Good luck.

talaniman · Jun 16, 2008, 07:54 PM

Dude she will be back, after she makes you miss her some, and she wouldn't have to do such things, if you were ready for an engagement, as she is. I think she is tired of you getting the milk free, and she wants you to buy the cow. You may as well, since you already control when she can see her friends, like a lousy husband.

Chery · Jun 16, 2008, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Dude she will be back, after she makes you miss her some, and she wouldn't have to do such things, if you were ready for an engagement, as she is. I think she is tired of you getting the milk free, and she wants you to buy the cow. You may as well, since you already control when she can see her friends, like a lousy husband.

Gotta spread it again Tal. Sad, but true. Some women like a certain amount of control, but a man also needs to know when to give a little to get more than just a partner that jumps when he snaps his fingers.. He needs to think 'us' and not just 'me'. And if he's not ready for that, then he should let her know so that she does not waste any more prescious time on hoping for a future 'together'. Togetherness is both having an opinion in a partnership.

e46 · Jun 16, 2008, 10:25 PM

I know she cares about me and that there are things that I need to change. That's what I have been working on And I totally agree with what everybody is saying, but I just don't want to be stringed along and then all of a sudden she tells me she doesn't want to be with me. Shoud I never talk to her or give it a certain amount of time? Ive been trying my hardest and I still haven't given in and called her, but today was really rough for me. I know that she doesn't owe me anything but its hard to keep my mind off her completely.

mafiaangel180 · Jun 17, 2008, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by e46

I know she cares about me and that there are things that I need to change. Thats what I have been working on And I totally agree with what everybody is saying, but I just dont want to be stringed along and then all of a sudden she tells me she doesnt want to be with me. Shoud I never talk to her or give it a certain amount of time? Ive been trying my hardest and I still havent given in and called her, but today was really rough for me. I know that she doesnt owe me anything but its hard to keep my mind off of her completely.

Yes, she does owe you something. Just like you owe her some space. Just go do your thing. Hit the gym, rearrange the apartment, do things for you. You are definitely right, you don't want strung along. Give it a couple weeks. Let her contact you. But I would say, after 2 or 3 weeks, make contact if she hasn't. I'm sure she will though. Also, don't pick up the phone. Call her back. Make her feel what waiting feels like.

Chery · Jun 17, 2008, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Make her feel what waiting feels like.

Sorry, mafiaangel, but I don't agree with this suggestion. As you can see, she has given up friends for him and suggested an engagement and he put her off. He has made all the decisions so far and she has done the 'waiting'. So, she is probably taking a break to find out what else she would be giving up for him - and what, of herself, she still has.

IMO, he is still inclined to want a 'time-table' because he's the planner and shaker. Now he misses her but 'what' exactly he misses is not clear. Does he miss her warmth, laughter, companionship... or just someone he has there to fill in a 'space' that he thinks should be filled according to his needs and schedule?

We all know this separation can go two ways, and it takes time... but he wants answers NOW - which means he's not in control of the situation and that, is what I think is bothering him the most.

I could be wrong, but I just thought it worth my time to express another view and sincerely hope it helps.

Chery · Jun 17, 2008, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by e46

I know she cares about me and that there are things that I need to change. Thats what I have been working on And I totally agree with what everybody is saying, but I just dont want to be stringed along and then all of a sudden she tells me she doesnt want to be with me. Shoud I never talk to her or give it a certain amount of time? Ive been trying my hardest and I still havent given in and called her, but today was really rough for me. I know that she doesnt owe me anything but its hard to keep my mind off of her completely.

Dear, how about writing down your feelings in a journal. Don't leave out the part on what you miss about her, and how she has shown you that she cares.. Sometimes it helps to remember how you two got together, the plans you had, good times shared, and yes, even the arguments.

Then, when you've got yourself pulled together again, invite her to a neutral place and have a nice conversation - and don't forget to 'listen' when she has something to say.

Good luck.

mafiaangel180 · Jun 17, 2008, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by Chery

Sorry, mafiaangel, but I don't agree with this suggestion. As you can see, she has given up friends for him and suggested an engagement and he put her off. He has made all the decisions so far and she has done the 'waiting'. So, she is probably taking a break to find out what else she would be giving up for him - and what, of herself, she still has.

IMO, he is still inclined to want a 'time-table' because he's the planner and shaker. Now he misses her but 'what' exactly he misses is not clear. Does he miss her warmth, laughter, companionship.... or just someone he has there to fill in a 'space' that he thinks should be filled according to his needs and schedule?

We all know this separation can go two ways, and it takes time... but he wants answers NOW - which means he's not in control of the situation and that, is what I think is bothering him the most.

I could be wrong, but I just thought it worth my time to express another view and sincerely hope it helps.

You're right! Sorry, I'm sure she does know what waiting feels like.

e46 · Jun 17, 2008, 12:57 PM

I agree I can't control this situation, and I have made her wait for me. How long should I wait before I contact her? Do I ever call her first? When she first said she needed space I was texting and calling her a lot without any response from her. She finally texted me all the things I told you guys. We have had problems before and we didn't talk for a day or two, but this time it feels different. This time I feel like she is really upset with me. She is very stubborn and I feel like she will never call me. It's been three days since Ive talked to her and its really hard. I keep wanting to call her, but I'm not giving in.