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Kruzifixxion · Jun 15, 2008, 07:35 PM

My girlfriend admitted she has a crush on a guy at work.I love her and I adore her with all my heart I gave her all of me.She also says she loves me and wants to be with me,but why does she have this feeling for someone else?Is it wrong to have a crush on someone else even though they love you more than anything?

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 15, 2008, 07:54 PM

Hey Kruz,

Its normal that during a relationship you will have little crushes on people. The big thing here is that your girlfriend actually admitted to you that she does. The fact that she is being honest with you about it is a good sign I would say. During my 4 year relationship (just ended but not over a crush) my ex had a crush on someone else, nothing came of it and it went away soon enough. I had one also, I never acted on it and never lead on that I had one to this person. She knows what she wants and that is you, and at this stage in the game I would believe her when she says this. Its hard I will admit, I knew that my ex had a crush also, and it made me pretty miserable and insecure. Then actually about 8 months later I developed one. I never told my ex about it because I knew I would never act on it, and that it was completely harmless. Its not wrong, it does happen and trust me it will happen to you too.

They are not crushes in the sense that you want to rip the person clothes off or be with them, you are intrigued by this person and are attracted to them.

So for now trust her, she told you the truth and I would believe her unless she has ever given you a reason to think other wise. Just be vigilante (not crazy) and don't be blind to other signs that she could be taking it further.

Kruzifixxion · Jun 15, 2008, 08:08 PM

Hey Northern
Thanks for that,it seems really helpful to me .this is my first real relashionship.
First I would have at least been specific about this,but last night she kept asking me about "is it wrong to have a crush on someone" so she asked me to the point that I felt like something is wrong that maybe she crushes on someone.

So this morning she admitted to me.So I asked her "What does this guy have that i don't?" and she din't want to admit but I guessed.I told her "Ohh i know what it is.its the fact that he's weird in a unique way that atracts you to him isn' it? and she said "yes" So of course I felt bad and I din't want to jump into conclusions.She also says she hates this crush and she feels guilty about it.She doesn't want to feel this way and hopefully it's temporary.She hasn't given me a reason to think in another way.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 15, 2008, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by Kruzifixxion

She also says she hates this crush and she feels guilty about it.She doesn't want to feel this way and hopefully it's temporary.She hasnt given me a reason to think in another way.

Well good, my ex said this to me as well and it did pass. I think you should just tell her you trust her and that you expect her to be totally honest if the time comes when she maybe does take it to the next step (not saying that will happen). I know its hard to hear that the one you love has some feelings for someone else. These feelings are pretty hollow though, and most of the time your partner wouldn't dare do anything to jeopardize what you have. Again, she was honest about it with you, so just hang in there and see what happens. Just make sure you don't become an insecure mess, getting needy and upset a lot could have some really negative effects on your relationship.

Kruzifixxion · Jun 15, 2008, 08:46 PM

Yeah,I do hope it will pass and doesn't get any worse.I do feel in a way that I mgiht loose her ,but I shouln't.She told "Just feel confident hun I wan't to be with you only!!" so that should say it all.I do trust her too and she trust's me.I will not be nagative about it either or upset by anything like that I'm going to keep my head up and be optimistic too.
Thanks again Norther. :D

JBeaucaire · Jun 15, 2008, 10:21 PM

Neither you nor your girl will ever stop having unexplainable attractions to other people. It is a natural and fundamental part of the human nature. You don't have any control over these feelings, when they occur, how strong they are, or who is involved.

This is the EXACT reason I tell people that "love" is a crappy reason to make life-changing promises. It's a GREAT reason to set yourself up to learn all you can about this person you're attracted to, but that's it. Anything else is decided by our brains, not our hearts.

I know, I'm living in a dreamworld. So sue me.

On the other hand, since we now know these feelings are normal and perfectly reasonable, look at what she did with it. She brought it up to you, her dedicated beau.

In my book, that's a very good sign. But only you can say for sure.

BOTTOM LINE: One of the skills you have to develop before getting married is to know how to deal with those random attractions in life. You will hopefully date many many women before you find one who seems compatible in all the necessary ways.

When you then take the plunge with that person, you still are susceptible to those random heart pangs for other people. But at that point, part of your VOWS is that you "cleave to the one person, forsaking all others."

This means you don't DO anything with other people, ever. Feel... fine. Act... not fine.

You forsake all other women, and your own feelings for them as well.

Cleave, baby, cleave.

Share this thought with your girl. You two should never, EVER punish one another for uncontrollable reactions to the opposite sex as long as that energy is ultimately brought home to each other. Make sense?

Kruzifixxion · Jun 17, 2008, 10:25 AM

Well I understand now,but guess what guys.she dumped me yesterday,because she felt confused now about this.Her feelings seemed to be growing for him so she decided to let me go.it's not fair to love me and like another person she said so she said that she chooses neither of us. :(

JBeaucaire · Jun 17, 2008, 10:50 AM

You see what I was saying? Until YOU develop the ability to chuckle away feelings for people other than your girl, you're a danger to them.

In this instance, HER inability to do it is the problem. This is actually good to experience. You're seeing what it's like to have someone NOT handle this properly. That means you are even closer yourself to never doing this to someone else.

I know it's rough, but it's not all bad. You're supposed to learn from relationships. Learn from this one, learn good things. So nothing's wasted.

Take care.

talaniman · Jun 17, 2008, 10:58 AM

We can all have feelings for others, that's human. What you do about them is your own choice.

Not knowing how to cope with ones feelings in a positve healthy way, usually ends in chaos, confusion, misery and pain.

Kruzifixxion · Jun 17, 2008, 11:35 AM

I know she seemed she coulnt chuckle them away and well no disrespect about her but,she is those types who gets crushes on guy's easy for anything.Supposldy she changed when she was with me,but it seemd she din't.I guess she will always be like that.
It does hurt and yeah I did learn from this it's just hard because she was my first.

JBeaucaire · Jun 17, 2008, 12:14 PM

Yeah, but viva la second! Viva la third!

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 17, 2008, 07:14 PM

Hey kruz, sorry this one ended up that way. There is plenty of support for you on this site. We can't predict them all I guess. Be strong buddy.

Kruzifixxion · Jun 18, 2008, 08:52 AM

Yeah,thanks, well I'm doing things wrong already I kind of begged her to get back with me and it's a no she just want's to be friends and somehow I can't see her as a friend.The feelings are still there I cried for her a lot and I did a lot for her I never did so much for anyone only her.Why can't she see that? I feel rejected and alone again .