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BreeLee · Jun 15, 2008, 01:51 AM

Okay. I think I may just be worrying for no reason, but my boy friend might be controlling..
He's great, I love him so much! It's just, he HAS to get his way, I can never win. He's really, really sweet, but.. My best friend in the whole world, doesn't like him, so he made me feel so bad, I've ignored her since December! I really miss her, and today I told him. I tried the best I could to explain it to him. She's mean to most people, but not to me. I was all she had, I loved her, and still do. He thinks it's absurd that I love her, and that I'm just too nice. I even cried, and he still said I couldn't be friends with her, he even said I can't do it behind his back either, cause he'll check with my parents. When I said: What! Are you serious? He said, OMG, you were planning that weren't you? Then he rolled over, and tried ignoring me, and saying I don't love him, and that he can't believe I'd do that to him. Granted, he may have legit reasons for not liking Dani (bff), but can't I make my own mistakes, if he is right? I'm just so torn. I want to be her friend so bad, but I don't want to lose my boy friend either.. Help? :confused:

JBeaucaire · Jun 15, 2008, 09:21 AM

Life is choice, missy. Buck it up. This is what it means to be in grownup relationships. Doing one thing often means NOT doing another. That's my basic morality response, but you've got another problem here. There is another "choice" issue here that's even more critical.

This guy is a boyfriend. He's not your ALL. He's just a guy who is supposed to be EARNING his spot in your life everyday. How did HE become the prize in this relationship? How did that happen? Honey, YOU are the prize. You'd do best to start remembering that so you can laugh off some of these manipulations he's aiming at you.

The FIRST time this guy told you who you could or couldn't be friends with, what you could or couldn't do with your own time... you should have time-outed him into the friend zone until he realized you won't be controlled by him.

Also, this is another "choice" moment, too. THIS MAN IS TELLING YOU WHAT TO EXPECT WITH HIM. Being with him seems to mean his way or the highway. There are TONS of girls in the world who love that, never having to stand up for anything, never having to make a decision, not having to worry about a life of their own, none of that. Those girls are sheep and well-suited to a manipulative control-freak like your boyfriend.

So, the question is... are you one of those girls?

You can only stay with this man if you're willing to bow to his wishes. And you may be willing to do that. If you're that type of girl, you may even benefit from him control since someone needs to be in control, it CAN be him, as long as that's OK with you.

You don't get to change him, you only get to accept him the way he is. Make a list of the things he doesn't you absolutely hate and ask the simple question: "If these things remain the same, or worse, can I live with that for all time?"

Can you? Notice we haven't asked anything about feelings? We know you like each other. This part is about acknowledging that being with someone makes your life better or worse. MOST relationships end, and they do because one or both parties admit that even though they love each other, they don't enhance each other, they are more hurtful and suppressing than inspiring.

Can you admit that if it's true? This guy won't go anywhere. He's found a girl who seems oblivious to the basic wrongness of how he leads his relationships. He thinks HE'S the catch and has made you forget it's actually YOU.

There is a slim, tiny, minuscule, iota of a chance he can be inspired out of this behavior. To do that, it has to COST HIM something when he does it. This means you need to warn him your bowing to his instructions in life is coming to an end, you mean it, and when he tries to punish you, you chuckle right in his face and move on anyway.

Next time he pulls that's, tell him, "I care about you, but I'm done catering to your jealousies. My friends and family...I welcome your feedback when i ask for it. As far as Dani is concerned, I'm not asking for it anymore. I forbid you to dictate anything to me in regard to her, until I ask YOU for additional input. Now, where would you like to go for dinner?"

Keep something in mind, if THIS BEHAVIOR is not something you can live with forever, then as of right now you are already losing him. Realize that. Unless he's inspired to snap out of it by you breaking up when he does it again (after being warned), then it really is over anyway, right?

He may never snap out of it. It is quite likely he will be this way on many things for all time. Period. Highly likely. That's why this isn't an "I love him" issue at all. You can love someone again just as soon as you're available to let it happen. This is an "I lead my own life and share it with a man, he doesn't/never will control me" issue. It's pretty basic, isn't it?

Make your choice, then live your choice. Give up your control of your life forever, or give up this man/other men like him.

Choose.

taytortot · Jun 15, 2008, 11:27 AM

I think your best friend is right you can't have a boyfriend that contorlls u!! Lol I mean your best friends is just trying to protect you I know its hard because of your boyfriend talk to them see if they could get along tell your boyfriend that heshouldnt always have to drag you around and I just don't think this is a good guy but I hope my advice help :)

sd1025 · Jun 16, 2008, 01:58 PM

The guy is a jerk if he tells you who you can and can't see, he may be sweet about other things now but he will probobly branch out with what your not allowed to do

N0help4u · Jun 16, 2008, 03:10 PM

Right now the only real conflict he has with you is over your best friend. So far he is in control and content. What next? Down the road you decide you want a job that you consider a dream job and he says NO so you give that idea up? The best friend is only a sample of what you are in for with him. You are sadly mistaken if you think he will ever let you do what you want in anything or even be willing to compromise. He will always manipulate and control you with his words.
So the big pic is not your choosing between your boyfriend and your best friends
It is about choosing between YOUR desires and YOUR life or being stuck under your bf's control with no decisions of your own.

Rockstar714 · Jun 16, 2008, 03:18 PM

Well said NOhelp!

If there is one thing I've learned as far as relationships go its this: NEVER GIVE UP YOUR FRIENDS FOR A BOYFRIEND!!

If your boyfriend is telling you who you can and can't be friends with, yes he is controlling. And in extreme cases guys like this will be the ones to tell you that you can't leave the house or you can't go anywhere without them and things like they. Guys like this often become abusive, if not physically they become abusive emotionally.

I wish that my best friend would've said "Hey! I don't like your boyfriend!" and it would've saved me a lot of misery in the end (he said I couldn't hang out with my friends, tried the whole "you don't love me" bit and come to find out he was going out to clubs meeting girls and cheating on me for almost the entire time we were together. I'd go back to your best friend, because this guy is no good.

N0help4u · Jun 16, 2008, 03:34 PM

Oh also they are the type that if they 'allow' you to go grocery shopping and normal everyday things when you get home they are accusingly demanding ''who did you see while you were out! You were with a guy weren't you?. " These are often the same guys that have double standards and are as Rockstar said the ones that are guilty of what they accuse you of.

Rockstar714 · Jun 16, 2008, 03:37 PM

Yup... and they make you feel HORRIBLE when you didn't do ANYTHING wrong.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 16, 2008, 03:52 PM

This is not love, not from him, A person that loves someone allows them some of their own life. You need to tell him you will be friends with who you want to be friends with, and he needs to get a life and understand he does not control youl.

The minute he said you can't, and that he would "check" with your parents, he should have been history.

maliceluvsyou · Jun 16, 2008, 04:20 PM

Ok by him telling you that you can't be friends with your very best friend is wrong! It's a sign that in the future he will act the same way with other things. Like if he don't like your boss you can't work there. Hes treating you like a child by saying I will check with your parents. To me he's acting childish. He shouldn't be using your love for him as a tool to get what he wants. He needs to compromise with you like either she can't be around when he's around or you can talk with her when he isn't home. I wouldn't do something I wouldn't want to do. Then what will happen, you shove your friend out of the picture and if the relationship doesn't work out then you try to mend your friendship but by then it would be to late and you will end up losing both. He has no right to tell you who you may or may not be friends with.