[flower81]

A few of you know abit of my history. But for a quick re-cap - I'm married, been with my husbands for a long time now.

All is good, quite a healithy relationship. I am 29 and I have been getting brody for the last year or so. My lifestyle is quite hectic, I like to drink and party at wkends after a long week at work, but I'm so ready to quit all that once I have kid.

About 3 days ago I heard that an old school friend had a baby girl, then my husband told me his boss' wife is pregnant with her 2nd child, and Wed one of closet friends told me she is pregnant. Im so happy for all of them. That night I was home alone, as husband was working late. I was thinking and thinking about our life and what I want. I WANT kids. SOON.

Yesterday I decided to speak to my husband about it and from a conversation it ended up in an argument.
I expressed that I want kids soon. I'm not so young anymore. He said he wants kids but I need to be in employment for 2 yrs to get maternity leave. I was like what the f**K :eek: seriously!! LIke I'm thinking about work at the stage. He said I should have thought about it before I quit my term job 1 yr ago to start a better career. HOw cheecky! He said on his salary we will never afford a kid, pay mortgage, and bills etc.
He said we can't cope with it and manage in the country we live in!

He can be so stupid sometimes. Really not manly.
Im sad upset disappointed.
I can see my fairytale story - I never had a white big wedding, no honeymoon and now I'm not going to have children.

Am I over reacting?
Or he is being selfish?

[flower81]

Someone please :(

Also financailly I am the bread winner. He once suggested I go back to work after I'm pregnant and he stays at home with kids...
But I am the women I dreamt of this all my life, how can he seriously believe id want to do that!

[flower81]

Does no one have any input on this

[danielnoahsmommy]

I don't think he is unreasonable. I too got pregnant. 1 year before maternity leave was possible and had a baby, a new home and no job. Fast forward. Baby is going to kindergarten this September amd I now am the only holder of a masters degree who is unemployable due to my lack of experience, age, and school time schedule of my son. p.s. haven't had a job in 51/2 years. You are young waiting 1 more year is not a bad option

[flower81]

You think?
People told me its not wise to have your first child in your 30's and there can be complications.

[danielnoahsmommy]

Yes you are considered an older mom. I was 33. But many women are having babies over 40.

[flower81]

But I still wonder if when I'm 30 31 oe 32 he will still say we can't afford to kids!
Its heartbreaking.

[danielnoahsmommy]

Maybe you should rethink your relationship. You seem to be doing a lot of compromising and are not happy. Just keep in mind if you decide to leave it will be even longer to have a baby.. this is one of the areas that should have been discussed prior to your wedding day

[flower81]

Well we did discuss this prior to our wedding day!
He did tell me he wanted kids, but always expressed an interest that we are financially stable before we have kids, and have abit of our mortgage paid off.

I am doing a lot of compromising and I'm getting no where.

[danielnoahsmommy]

Time to see a marriage counselor

[flower81]

Is that what this comes down to? :(

[danielnoahsmommy]

That's up to you

[flower81]

I know!

Does anyone else have any input in this?

[JBeaucaire]

I know I talk harsh, but I assume you can take it or you wouldn't be out here asking for feedback. So, here it is.

• It is incredibly short-sighted to look at you're life and calling it "getting nowhere".
• It is incredibly selfish to base your 'happiness' over it strictly over whether you get to do it in the next year or not.
• Your man didn't say "no", but that's all you heard.
• Your man didn't say "never", but you're acting like he did.

This is YOUR MAN telling you that something as critically important as parenthood cannot (will not?) be messed up by lack of funds or preparation. He knows how much will fall to him and he says you two can't afford it.

Setting your feelings on the issue aside, is he right? Can you pay all of your bills current bills, all of the new expenses associated with a child, medical expenses, whatever... on his income alone? I'm not asking you to guess, I'm asking you if you have done the math?

And don't forget your emergency fund. Having the mortgage paid down is a great, understable goal, but what about emergencies? You need several months worth of expenses saved up "just in case" something happens to his job.

He's trying to be smart about this, you're just whining. You have 10-15 years before you need to start "worrying". Honor your man and what he is actually saying. Stop making it into more negative version if that's NOT what he said. OK?

[flower81]

I needed that thanks
But I'm not whinning! Im just upset because you are right - I did just hear NO.

I know he is right at the moment we arnt financially stable to have a baby!

But when we spoke of it - he sounds so negative and down! Im nit making it more negative - my being exact
And would hate to have a life without kids. I don't want to be older than 35 when I have my first child. I want to enjoy my kids. I lost my dad when I was 22 and my brother was 16 so maybe I'm being pesimistic but I'm thinking about the future.
As well I want to have energy

[sylvan_1998]

If two years at the job with eligibility for maternity leave is the criteria, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will meet that and then you are going to start trying. Tell him if at that time he still thinks you can not afford a child, he had better get a second job. For me the biggest expense was child care. With all that you give up to have a child, it was very affordable.

Start putting child care money aside each month just as good measure to assure you and your spouse you can do this with careful budgeting.

Good luck. I had both my children after 30 with flawless pregnancies and outcomes. Relax. Make this your goal and you will achieve it.

[flower81]

Thank you :)
Its good to hear it from a mother who had kids in her 30's :)
Gives me hope

[kp2171]

first... you need to be a LOT more patient on these boards. You've posted here before many times, but here you are continually asking "anyone?", "help", etc... it is a little childish and distracts from the thread. You question posted at 2AM my time, when some people are in deep sleep.

some threads need a few days to play out and get the exposure needed. Please be more patient.

you both need to find some middle ground. Being financially more stable before having kids isn't an irresponsible plan. Knowing your wife wants kids sooner than later and not setting up a plan together is irresponsible, or at least just asking for another fight.

you both need to come to some middle ground. As long as he says "we cant"... you won't. As long as you attack his manhood and place feelings before financial planning, its not going to fly.

don't know the issues behind the fairytale wedding or honeymoon you never had, but it smacks of long standing resentment that you cannot let go. You need to deal with this. You state you are "the woman" as if that means you should be caretaker of the child without any financial concerns. Look... I'm not trying to attack you at all... I think it's a great thing when a parent gets to stay with the child, at least for the first years until school... but it takes planning... yours and his... and somewhere along the way you two didn't make a plan, you just talked about ideas.

he needs to be willing to find a way to mesh his desire to be more financially set and still meet your needs. You say that you are the "breadwinner"... but it sounds like he works as you mention his stating his paycheck is too small.

OK... you both can talk all you want... don't use emotions to solve the "can we afford it" noise, use numbers. Set up a spreadsheet that shows all your fixed expenses and reasonable variable expenses, what discretionary money you have after all of these common expenses, what would be available without your paycheck.

that part of the argument isn't about manhood or selfishness. Its about dollars and cents. Numbers. So do the numbers and find out what the truth is. If you don't like the truth, what can you do to get where you want to be? If partying all the time is something you are willing to give up once the child is here, how much money are you tossing away now without preparing for the child?

people have kids all the time when they are not expecting or planning to. It can be done. It might mean a different life than you want or a different standard of living. After my son was born we certainly made some financial sacrifices.

so... he is afraid of issues with money. Fine. Deal with it with numbers on a page. Figure out the truth. Then you can decide what is next.

at this point he doesn't have a plan other than "we need more money" and you don't have a plan other than "he should make this happen"

[Morteza]

Hey I believe that, He is right! Your hubby is right! Whenever you can't afford a child, you shouldn't do it! Because your kids will need something which must be seplied and if you don't seply those, that would not be enjoyable! If you want really really a kid! You must afford that.
I'm a 17 year old boy, my father could n't afford one kid, but I don't know why he did that, I now have lots of problem about money, I should think of my education, money,
Because of this I'm sad of my dad, why he didn't planned for a child?
[email protected]

[Sonador101]

time to see a marriage counselor

tell him kids don't cost as much as he thinks, but either way I think you should see a marriage counsler.