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lulu2912 · Jun 12, 2008, 02:51 PM

Hello -

This question is hard for me to ask because it really breaks my heart. My son just turned 6 and he has a 4 year old boy cousin and every time they see each other they touch each others privates. We can't even allow them to play alone for fear that they will do it again. Most recently was today, which was the worst so far. My nephew came over to play with my son and they were watching TV. I went in to check on them and to put this nicely they were licking each others privates. Of course I immediately stopped them and began to cry. I have never had to deal with an issue like this before. My son has never done this with another child, boy or girl and I don't think my nephew has either. My husband and I are not sexual at all in front of our son other then small kisses to show affection. My nephew's mother (my sister) has recently become a lesbian and I wonder if he may be seeing things he shouldn't and getting my son to go along with it. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I know that exploration at their age is normal, but I really don't think it's normal going as far as they have.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 12, 2008, 03:04 PM

When you stop him, is he told this is wrong, punished, given time out, sent to his room, what are you doing to stop him from this behavior

lulu2912 · Jun 12, 2008, 03:13 PM

It has happened 3 times, this one being the worst. The first time it happened we told them both that our privates are just that, PRIVATE and that we should not touch other peoples privates and should not allow other people to touch ours. The second time they were both punished. This time, I of course cried. I told my son that it broke my heart to see him doing such things. He was supposed to go to a t-ball game tonight and that was taken away. We have decided that the boys won't play together for a while and when they do, it will be completely supervised so that they won't even have a chance to talk about it.

blackblue · Jun 18, 2008, 04:56 PM

Well, to be honest, your kid is not the only one.It's natural for kids to be curious and of course if it feels good to them, they will be even more interested in it.

It doesn't mean your kid or your kid's cousin is perverted or destined to be a child molester.

Yes, it is very upsetting but just let him that you are not suppose to do those things(sounds like you have already done that)

I am pretty sure your sister becoming a lesbian isn't part of the reason why of course unless she is not being responsible and locking the door but she could have done the same with a man.

If it persists in the future, maybe you should take him to a child psychologist.

mimi03 · Jun 18, 2008, 06:40 PM

Im unaware of the details of the conversations that were had with the boys but this behavior is too often seen in children that have been molested... So you should if you haven't already talk to your child and have your sister talk to your nephew to investigate this concern... It may be curiosity but I know you'd rather be safe than sorry (by exploring this possibility).

If nothing of the sort comes out, you should keep the lines of communication open (with your son about sex acts, at a 6 year old level of course). Really try to put your emotions aside when doing this, you don't want your son to get the impression that he's making you sad or disappointing you because then he will never feel comfortable talking/opening up to you about this delicate issue. Also supervising their play dates will be very helpful.

*Best of Luck*

MH0104 · Jul 16, 2008, 05:04 PM

Just one thing, nobody 'decides' to 'become a lesbian', it's just a change of lifestyle to make oneself more comfortable with theit sexuality, and this has nothing to do with the two boy's behaviour, why would it?

carrieinmarlow · Jul 16, 2008, 07:07 PM

Did you ever consider that this child might be sexually abused? This behavior is a learned behavior... better get the child to a counselor, PRONTO!

blackblue · Jul 16, 2008, 08:41 PM

I was never sexually abused and I remember "exploring" with other kids.Most of the time it's natural curiosity.But whoever brought up that the kid might be abused should defiantly check into that.

hjpan · Jul 16, 2008, 11:19 PM

Relax. It is human nature.

Yes, your child and your nephew are exploring each others body parts, but how is it wrong? I don't know about you, but I took a human development class and ALL children will go through a stage of "sexual activeness" by playing "Doctor"...

carrieinmarlow · Jul 21, 2008, 05:54 AM

I'm sorry, but "licking eachother" is not "playing doctor"... this kid needs professional help if he does this every time he gets together with another child!! My son has a degree in criminal justice-child sexual abuse is his specialty- this is not normal behavior, and ignoring the problem won't make it go away... I still feel something is not quite right in the home situation. If it were my kid, I sure as hell would'nt sit around and wait for him to outgrow the problem!

ScottGem · Jul 21, 2008, 06:06 AM

I agree with Carrie here. Some exploration is natural, but this goes beyond that. This child need to see a counselor who can dtermine if he is being sexual abused or where he learned this behavior from.

hjpan · Jul 21, 2008, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I agree with Carrie here. Some exploration is natural, but this goes beyond that. this child need to see a counselor who can dtermine if he is being sexual abused or where he learned this behavior from.

Sorry, I was not thinking clearly... but actually doing the sexual acts... something is wrong there

Andrew916 · Jul 22, 2008, 02:54 PM

I can see touching as an act of curiosity and exploration. But the licking is a clue that there might be something beneath the surface. Definitely check something out. It seems to me that that is something they might be imitating. I don't know if they can use the TV effectively, but perhaps one of the children stumbled across cinemax one night and sight what took place on a pornographic film and is simply imitating the act. It's a total possibility. It's surprising how a lot of children are quite capable of using electronics at such early ages.

erin7799 · Jul 22, 2008, 03:02 PM

Exploring is natural. Licking. No. There is something definitely going on there. How would they even think of such a thing as licking each other there at 4 and 6 years old? Unless they saw it being done by someone else somewhere. I found out one day that my 8 yr olds friend had a "girlfriend" and they were doing very grown up things. And as it turns out she was molested and just acting it out on him. These 2 were only 7 years old! Definitely check it out.

lulu2912 · Aug 14, 2008, 02:15 PM

Okay... for starters I am extremely over protective of my son; he has never gone anywhere or spent the night with anyone other then his grandparents. Unless he is with them, I am always with him. There is no way that he was sexually abused by anyone! Also, we don't have movie channels or pornography in our house, so he didn't see anything that way. My husband and I are only intimate at night we he is fast asleep and we even shut the door. So that's not a possibility either. It has not happened since I posted this question. He understands that his privates are his and his only. We did have a very long talk about where he learned that behavior and if anyone has ever touched him in that way and he said no. He said he just thought about it. And like someone responded before, if a child touches himself and it feels good to them, they are going to keep doing it. SO, what makes you think he would not figure out that doing even more would feel even better? I am not saying it's okay or that he should have done it. But if you think about it, someone at some point in time thought up the idea of licking someone else's privates! Who's to say that he didn't figure it out as well. I do not feel that my son needs any counseling, except by me and my husband. I appreciate all of your comments and I respect your opinions.

Psychosocial · Aug 17, 2008, 03:27 AM

I'm not a professional about this and I don't have kids of my own, I'm still a kid myself, but I don't believe you're child needs help or anything like that, I actually remember doing stuff like that(no licking) with one of my friends when I was that age, I think it's just because a child is curious of EVERYTHING, my mother never knew about what me and my friend did, and she actually still doesn't know, and I turned out completely fine. But I do think you need to teach your son that no one should be touching his private and he shouldn't touch anyone else's, I have a nephew that is 3 now, and when he takes a bath, my sister(his mother) would make him wash his own privates just to teach him that they're his and only his, and that other peoples privates are theirs. But if you are finding him doing that kind of stuff, I'm hoping you are punishing him for it, not just saying "you can't do that" and then letting him watch more t.v. You should give him a time out or send him to his room, whatever punishment you do in you're household. But nothing is wrong with you're kid, and you should talk to your sister about teaching her child the same thing.

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 17, 2008, 03:44 AM

Playing doc is looking and perhaps touching. As far as mouth on privates, that is a learned behavior. Either it was done to them or they saw it done to them. I would suggest not pinning everything on the parents of the other child. Investigate your home since your child is older and probably instigate the situation with the cousin. Have you asked your son if anyone has touched him? (without your husband \ wife present). I would also monitor any other playdates your child may have. Also it would not hurt to make an appointment with a child psychologist.

erin7799 · Aug 17, 2008, 06:36 AM

If you didn't want to hear the advice of others then why did you ask for it? If you are SO sure that he figured it out on his own and couldn't have possibly been molested or saw it on TV then YOU have it all figured out. When it comes to your child no one is pointing a finger. I am sure that everyone who had a response on here has gone through the exploration when they were kids. Licking eachothers privates, though is extreme. When we suggest that it may have been something that has been done to him or seen somewhere, maybe it wasn't your son but from your nephew. There's no reason to get defensive. When it comes to your children it doesn't matter who you leave them w/. They may not always be safe. My mom left me w/ her sister and things happened. My aunt had and still has no idea. But it can happen right under your nose. That's why you just have to be super careful and be sure to keep talking to him. Have you said anything to your sister about it?

ScottGem · Aug 17, 2008, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by erin7799

That's why you just have to be super careful and be sure to keep talking to him.

I can't add a rating comment to your post because of a recent rating, but I wanted to compliment you on an excellent response. You nailed it perfectly.

lulu2912 · Aug 18, 2008, 10:18 AM

I did not say that I didn't want the advise of others. At the end of my last post I said that I respect and appreciate all of your comments. I have talked to him about it and to my sister about it. Like I said, it has not happened since. I still talk to him periodically and make sure he doesn't have any questions. I have also made him aware that he can talk to me or his daddy about anything. I have talked to my son alone to make sure that no one has ever done anything to him and every time he tells me no. There is no one at my house or anyone else's house that he goes to that would tell him about it, show it to him or do it to him. So I know that possibility is out. I feel strongly that he was just experimenting with his cousin, since he is around him so much. They are now strictly monitored when playing together. They are not even allowed to watch TV in another room together unless an adult is present.