[Icon767]

I've been reading these blogs and I have seen that many people and I know many people who are going through the same thing I am. Girlfriend starts college and wants a break to "firgure heself out, be alone a little while, yadda yadda yadda". I know I was suppose to let it go, but of course I didn't I fought for her back, I got desperate, needy, and pathetic. I'm totally aware of that. It's been about a month I've laid off some. But anyway, dig it, It's like every other story like this, she starts college, breaks up, usually the girl becomes a slut and later realizes they made a mistake and try to come back. I've seen it, been though it you know. And I know everyone is different and slightly unigue, so here is the interesting things of my situation that I would like some light shed on:

I realized what I did wrong in the relationship and told her I wanted to fix it, even though I know this would have happened inevitabley.

She says she still loves me. This is usual.

A week after it happened, I was totally lost and confused and slightly crazy. And I went out and had me a threesome. She was pissed. She cried. I told her I felt awful for it, but I tried to get her back, and I told her I feel bad, but I don't feel bad for her, and I wasn't going to apologize to her for it. But I was sensitive about it. And to make this matter worse the day before I said well when you're ready I want to try this again, and she said "yea, but don't become a slut, cause I know you can be hehe". And I said I wouldn't sleep with anyone, but I just thought to myself I want to do it before she does, because I am young and stupid.

So I slept with someone and was like oh, I totally messed this up, I completely regretted it immediately after. But we keep talking, mostly me doing the calling and texting, I know I'm not suppose to but I just fell for this girl hard. We ate mushrooms together twice and had this crazy connection, like our souls touched, not to get all hippie, but we were very close.

I broke down again crying, begging. Then was like I need to stop this. And started to get a grip on things. I laid off for little while, we've only been broken up for like a month and a half though.

So then one day I call her to see how she is. She tells me she lost her job and lost her car keys when she was drunk. I'm human and wanted to put her down to make myself feel better and cope with the rejection. So I say with a smartass tone, "awesome, way to go, moving on up, I'm gonna bounce off here, take it easy." As I'm saying this she sounds very sad, but I feel better and she did make me cry a lot.

But throughout this we're talking and saying we will always be there for each other anyway. ANd I'm telling her about how this is good, I need to work on myself, keeping her updated. But I'm always bringing it up, and I know that's stupid.

Here's where it gets more confusing...

One night I just get this wild hair up my a$$. And I call her, to honestly talk about God. Cause I'm lost right now in my life. She's at a party. She's drunk and starts getting honest with me. She say "how could you have slept with someone this soon." and I'm like "oh, well what ever ya know". Just call me back. She says she will.

She does, it's whatever. Then we text. And my wild hair gets even longer. ANd I had a few beers. And I'm like I want to see you face to face right now. And she's like no, I'm drunk I'm going home, whatever. We can tomorrow. And I'm like no, now. This goes back and forth like 4 times.

So I just drive to her house on a whim. Call her. "I'm outside, come out here."

And she does.

I'm high as balls on life and adrenaline right now. I whip it in to the closeest church parking lot. And she starts with this rant. Like don't judge me, your'e drinking every night and going out to. I just say OK.

Then I say, "kiss me."

She say "no"

I say "kiss me"

She says "no I can't do that"

I say "****ing kiss me!"

She says "I kiss you and we're not back together tomorrow, then what"

I say "I don't even know if I want you back right now." (that might be a lie, but I'm sure I had myself convinced of this at the time)

Those words are barely out of my mouth before our lips just collide. Total like passionate movie make out.

And well, we end up having sex. It's amazing, its great, because I truly love her. She cries "the good tears" afterwards and ask me to hold her. We talk a minute, I tell her about how I need to work on myself, I don't want a relationship. It's a lie, and I know it is now. But then we kiss goodbye, and I tell her no last words let's just wing it.

Finally, the ball is in my court a little I feel. We more or less decide to be friends with benefits. I feel great! Because I got her to sleep with me.

So that was Wednesday. The next day she text me first. I'm like OK awesome. I act non chalant about everything. She brought up the previous night, I tell her you know, we're figuring ourselves out, we're not with anyone else. We still love eachohter and it feels good, so why not and there wasn't anything wrong with it.

So now it's Friday, she leaves for the beach for a week on Sunday. So I ask her to do it again before she leaves. She say yea, but not an excited one. So I ask her later if she's sure she wants to. She says she wants to but isn't sure. I give her the same speech about how it's OK. And like well think about it and let me know later.

Later comes and she says no, she's tired and she don't want to sneak out again, she's with her friend whatever. I'm stupid and tell her she's a liar and that's not the real reason.

Then it finally comes where I just lose it. I call her crying, she consoles me. She said she would do it tomorrow but I didn't really believe her. So I beg and beg and just get pathetic. But she's not really getting pissed. I tell her about how I'm going though a hard time and just want to feel something good just for tonight. And I say stupid things like, just do it for me. It was one of the lowest moments of my life.

Then I snap out of it and realize what I'm doing. I tell her I'm sorry, she says it's OK. We talk and I bring up the relationship like an idiot. Tell her I still don't want to be in a relationship. But I tell her I want to be in one with her again one day and no one else. We tell each other we love each other and get off the phone.

I still feel awful, worse than the day we broke up, and I leave her a bunch of text apologizing to her.

So I'm again like oh, I totally messed this up for good! She goes to the beach and I haven't talked to her since. She comes back today.

Before she left I guess we were on good terms. I just told her to be careful, and watch we she does, and she said thanks. I promise I will. And I said You don't have to, I know you won't do anything stupid.

Since then I heard she slept with someone else. And I asked, couldn't help it. She said no, I promise I didn't. To please believe her. So I said I did.

So I will probably have to see her again soon cause she owes me money for a concert ticket we're going to together in July. I know I need to lay off, not talk about the relationship, and be cool.

But did I screw it up for good? Or can I redeem myself? Or does it not matter? I want to work on myself and I'm trying to pick up the pieces right now. I want it to work out again one day you know. And I know I need to stop pushing for it and fighting for it, because that will screw it up.

Should I go to this concert and just be fun and friendly?

Or should I say I can't do this, I need to separate myself from you, I love you too much to be your friend and I just need to be away from you for a little while and worry about me. Here, take one of your friends to it.

It's preety confusing.

[cant breathe]

Don't think either of you have the faintest idea what you want! Do yourself and her a favour and end it!

[sandra6]

You need to be truthful with yourself before you go into the relationship sometimes I think she is more confused on what you want then you are. Give yourself breathing space and see what happens. Don't mess her or your minds up. Decide what you are going to do. Give it abit longer than a month and be friendly.