Check out some similar questions!

Papavero · Jun 2, 2008, 06:08 PM

I have been living outside of the US for the past few years. I met my ex, who is a native of the country I was living in, 3 years ago. We lived together for 2.5 years but dated for 3. These past two years have been really hard on me because I couldn't find a job that I was happy in and neither us was making enough money to live normal lives. I brought my him to the States last summer to visit since he had never been. I wanted him to meet my family and see around, hoping that we could leave moving here an option for our future. After the trip, I grew increasing frustrated with my job and finances and coming back home was quickly enticing me. We talked and considered together for a couple of weeks. He could see the agony growing fiercely in me and we decided that within six months I would move back here, alone at first. The alone part was just to give us time to get money together and to not both be a burden for my parents. If I could get the type of job I wanted we would start preparing the path for him to come over. This would have to be preceded by us getting married in order for him to be able to stay. To me the marriage didn't add complications as we had been together for 3 years, I knew I loved him and I really felt we could make each other happy for a long time to come. Signing the marriage license was not going to change me in any way. He was more contemplative but in the end said that he would do it too if being in the US was the best for both of us.
It was so hard when we said good-bye since we didn't know how long it would be before seeing each other again. And we knew that it would inevitably be the test of a lifetime for our relationship.
Initially, he was so strong, stronger than me. He encouraged me to stay with him emotionally, that we would make it. He spent the little money that he had to buy a small computer so we could talk on Skype everyday. He did whatever he could to show me that he was there.
Then 3 weeks into our separation, and 24 hours after he told me how strong we were and how much he loved me, he called to say he couldn't go on. He said he didn't want the pain of a long distance relationship, that he wasn't ready to be married and that he didn't want to come to the States to live. I told him that it didn't have to be either we marry or we part, that we could find another solution down the road, but that it was important to not make conclusive decisions while we were both feeling so bad. He didn't budge. 4 weeks into it, I begged him to reconsider. He was cold and quickly grew angry with me this time. He told me that he didn't want to repeat himself again. He realizes now that he wasn't happy before, that he wasn't 100% himself and wasn't complete. He is doubting how much he loved me, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to pick up and come here too. He said that he has turned the page and is starting a new chapter now. When I asked him if he would still feel this way if I were to return to his country, he told me that it wouldn't change anything; he doesn't want me anymore. 5 weeks into it I have the job I wanted and I'm making money. 8 weeks into it, I am here writing you all because of the pain burning inside of me. I want this separation to end, I want him to want to work things out.
I've read almost this whole site and have gotten a lot of help just from the advice given to others. I am on day 23 of no contact. I can't swallow the pain though. Sometimes I can physically feel it coiling around my stomach and into my heart. How can someone just wake up one morning and turn his back on everything that he has worked for and loved? He was so dedicated to our relationship. He really loved me and I him. I have no doubts that this was true. I just can't explain his reaction and his numbness. I don't know if I should be a bigger person and just keep walking away too. It feels so wrong knowing who he is and who he was only 2 months ago with me in front of him.
Sorry, I'm going on so long. If anyone makes it to the end of my sad monologue I could really use some good insight.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2008, 06:53 PM

Sorry it didn't work, and the idea of leaving his own country, was stronger than what he felt for you. What a blow that to be, to find out after all the plans and work. I do feel for you. Better to know the truth now, than later though, and since you are home, and have that job now, you are free to be single, and beholding to know one, and can strive to build a better life for yourself, without him in it. Give it whatever time it takes to get past the pain. You deserve that for yourself, Click on the links in my signature, to read up on some really good insights, and get some very good suggestions as to what to do for yourself now.

Romefalls19 · Jun 2, 2008, 06:59 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, as it does seem like it came off as a complete shock to you as most break ups do to the dumpee. The only real advice I can give is to go No Contact and leave him in your past. Use this No Contact time to get your life back in order and heal from this ordeal. Please continue to keep us updated

Papavero · Jun 3, 2008, 03:35 AM

Thanks to you both for your words. It helps to hear back from people that don't know me and can be objective to the situation. I will keep up the no contact and wait it out. Although I have to return to his country... and his house in August because I still have a lot of my stuff there and have accounts still open that I need to close. So in about a month I will have to break the no contact and let him know the dates I will be there. I can stay with a friend and make the visit as short as possible although it will destroy me regardless seeing him and his family.

talaniman · Jun 3, 2008, 05:38 AM

I can stay with a friend and make the visit as short as possible although it will destroy me regardless seeing him and his family.

Sounds like a good plan, and as you heal, you will see he was not the one. Going back may be painful, but it will not destroy you, and you will succeed in what your trying to accomplish. Did the stickies help you?

Papavero · Jun 3, 2008, 03:31 PM

Yes, I think the stickies are really great. They have been some of the most insightful advice I've gotten.. . Update though - my ex just wrote me an email! The first contact since his aggressive phone call 24 days ago. He says "he just wants to know how everything is going and how I am doing; nothing more." Then he apologized if his email disturbs me.
I don't know if I should reply and seem like a civil person or if I might have better results, more positive for me or for us, if I don't. He might find it cruel if I give him the silent treatment, think I am being a baby, get angry and never look back again. In which case, I guess that would mean that he wasn't really interested anyway. But if I reply and really, ALL he wanted to know was if I'm okay, than I will probably be crushed anyway.
Since this whole situation is really new, couldn't it just be that he got cold feet and jumped ship to save himself... but that in the end he may reconsider? Does any of this sound reasonable? Or am I just convincing myself of false hopes once again?

talaniman · Jun 3, 2008, 05:11 PM

Does any of this sound reasonable? Or am I just convincing myself of false hopes once again?

Who can read minds? But at the moment, your grasping for straws and letting your mind think too much, and about the wrong thing. Being unavailable while you cope with your feelings without direct pressure from him is the goal, and you deserve the time to yourself, for you without him confusing you further. Stick with the program.