[astrogurl]

I apologise for this "novel" length explanation. There is A lot of history to this story so I will start at the beginning and I thank anyone who is willing to read it to the end and encourage any feedback. :D

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now and the issue of porn has come up definitely more than once :o

When we first started dating he had lots of naked pictures of women on his computer (over 5,500 pictures to be exact), and also porn movies. He had been single for 7 years before me so I was not surprised (he is 32 y/o and I am 25 y/o) :) He also had on his walls lots of pictures of animation characters (some naked) with huge breasts and animation statues showing underwear or breasts.

I didn't have a problem with any of this because in my previous long-term relationship my partner and I occasionally watched porn together and I knew he watched it without me, I also watched it without him, and it wasn't a problem cause I knew he just wanted me.

However, it all started becoming a problem with my current boyfriend because he would regularly make comments about other women's bodies, say how he would like to see certain celebrities naked - if there were no naked photos of them available, or even refer to his favourite female celebrity as his "#1 girl".

I finally had enough when he let me borrow his phone one day. I had lost mine. I had sent him naked pictures of myself to his phone one night while he was away for work, and just joking around I wanted to show one of my female friends. To my shock I found a message in his phone from a girl he used to know of her breasts. I checked the date and it was before we got together, but it still upset me that he kept it. I mean to me there is a difference between porn girls or celebrities that aren't tangible to him compared to a girl he knows in real life. I remembered back to a week prior when we were joking around while he was looking at his phone and he said to me "do you wanna see a photo of ******* tits?". I just laughed at him thinking he was full of bs and told him no and to shut up. Just so you know. He no longer has contact with this woman and they never got together. I am confident and trust him on that. Plus he wouldn't have the time anyway.

So I confronted him about it, he said he forgot it was on there which I said to him was bs, and he deleted it and apologised. The next day I was still sensitive over the issue and he was showing me some stuff on his computer when this picture of a women with big breasts appeared on the screen. By this stage I had just had enough of being made to feel like second best to all "his other girls".

We had an argument, and he said he had been behaving in a way that he was single and that he shouldn't talk or behave like that to his girlfriend and I should be his #1. So he deleted all the pictures and videos off the computer. I was happy with this I must admit cause it did feel like I was the #1 women in his life. After all that happened before I felt uncomfortable now with him looking at porn (including pictures).

He has hundreds of completely naked photos of me as well as videos (he asked if he could take them). We have sex at least every 2nd day (we both have high sex drives). He is into BDSM, and I have done this with him (and REALLY enjoyed it) and he has recorded and taken photos of me tied up and gagged while he has "done" things to me. :D We are very sexually experimentative and use many different positions as well as having anal sex, oral sex etc. He knows he can ask me for whatever he wants sexually and I will give it a go.. and he has many times... :p

Personally I like being videotaped and having pictures taken of me. Especially naked, and something I would like to do is put some naked photos on the internet. I get as much sensation from being watched as men do from watching women (most of my fantasies involve being watched having sex, masturbating etc). When I talked about this with him he said it isn't the same as him watching porn and he didn't want me to do it. I was previously offered a chance to do some modelling and he hated the idea of photos of me being public even if I was fully clothed! He says I'm a beautiful woman who most men would find hot and he isn't "comfortable" with the idea of other men looking at me (even fully clothed). Well now I'm not "comfortable" with him looking at other NAKED women so does that mean he should stop?

YET he goes behind my back, looks at porn and LIES about it time and time again. Even when I saw it on his computer and questioned him he still continued to lie - until eventually admitting he did. The part that hurts a lot is that he saw how all the events leading up to him saying he would stop hurt me, says he hates seeing me unhappy, but he just keeps on doing it behind my back. I said to him that I would like to watch it with him, but I think he finds this awkward - we did it once and he said it wasn't as bad as he thought, but it hasn't happened since. I have asked him to download certain videos I would like to watch with him, but this hasn't happened either. The other day I noticed that while I was at work he had been looking at videos of those web cams girls that sites sometimes upload. They were just videos not live.

Don't get me wrong. It has gotten better. He doesn't download the pictures anymore and doesn't look at it as much (sometimes when he couldn't sleep he would get up and play computer games and watch porn, but doesn't do that anymore). He has definitely made a strong effort. The fact he makes a promise he can't keep upsets me though, because I feel that I can't trust him in anything he says. I don't want to deny him this (porn) cause I have nothing against it and am definitely not a prude, but while I still feel sensitive about the whole issue which includes the lying I just wish he would back off with it. The double standard also annoys me the fact that it is okay for him to look at girls, but not okay for men to look at me. I understand it is a male possessive thing, and he says that my body is for him only, but what about his eyes? They are part of his body which should be all mine. Are they for me only? I know they are not cause it is natural for example to have a perve at people you see in public etc. Everyone does it.

I could have done what he has done and gone behind his back and uploaded photos of myself without him knowing, but I care about how he feels so I haven't. Yet photos he takes of me even fully clothed not doing anything sexual he won't even let me upload to myspace cause they are for "us" only he says. He gets to choose the ones I can show to other people. Also, whenever I commented about other men being attractive he would sometimes get upset and comment about how I will cheat on him one day. I admitted to him that I had cheated on an ex-boyfriend once towards the end of the relationship - so I can understand his paranoia, but the daily comment about me cheating have become annoying especially cause I haven't and nothing has suggested I have.

I know he loves me VERY much. I can see the love and adoration in his eyes. He wants us to get married and have a family (he is more excited than me about it). Everyday he tells me how hot, sexy and beautiful I am. He is VERY affectionate towards me and we have amazing sex (he has even said it) and we both initiate it equally. But lately... I just don't believe him... my mind keeps on going back to the lies and those girls dancing in front of the camera in their underwear.

Please don't respond saying "it is natural, all guys do it" and "it's got nothing to do with you or you not satisfying him". I know majority of men look at porn, hey I like it too, but when it is affecting your spouse emotionally should you stop? At least until the damage has been repaired? Am I being unreasonable? If he is allowed to then shouldn't I be allowed to have what I enjoy - as long as it doesn't involve someone else (cheating)? Right now I just feel disrespected and that everything he says to me is lip service... I know I will just have to accept he is going to do this now, but myself esteem has taken a bit of a beating from it all, and I don't know how to go about it...

Please help... :confused:

[Choux]

I don't think this guy cares about you at all... do whatever you want to do. After all, he does just what he wants to do.

You're 25, time to ask yourself, "What do I really want out of my life"? If it is porn, game playing, arguing, being lied to, obsessing...

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

I think this guy needs to get over the fact that life isn't just about t*ts and a**.

5,000 pictures is a lot ( I hope you didn't count). On top of that DVDs and boobs on his phone. Obssesive? I think so. In my opinion, he's a pig, a sleeze ball.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Haha Xrayman!

There is more to my username than you think...

I'd rather be known to have beautiful hair than t*ts and a**.

*wink, wink*

[RustyFairmount]

It is not a double standard.

His interest is essentially voyeurism. He likes looking at others with whom he has no ongoing relationship. The women in the pictures are just objects to him. He has no respect for them. So to him, looking at porn is no big deal.

Your interest is essentially exhibitionism. In his eyes, you would be whoring yourself out to millions of men. You are a real person who he knows well and cares for. He respects you and does not want to see you turn yourself into an object that other men will not respect.

[Synnen]

Sounds like a double standard to me.

You may need to go TOGETHER to a counselor about this one in order to find a way to communicate to each other in a way that you will both understand.

[astrogurl]

Thanks everyone for your feedback! It feels great even just to get it off my chest cause this has been going on for around 5 months now and out of respect for him I don't talk about it with friends because I know it would embarrass him, even though they know us and I know would give great advice.

You see I think that is it. I treat other people how I would like to be treated. This whole experience has shown me that I need to be more selfish. For example, before we started dating I used to go to night clubs EVERY weekend and drank a fair bit. I had fun and enjoyed doing that. However, because I knew he didn't like it and felt uncomfortable with the idea I stopped. It was VERY easy to do because I evaluated if he was worth the sacrifice, knew how I felt about him, put myself in his shoes, and just DID IT. He on the other hand knows this upsets me, claims to love and adore me, but still continues to do it because he doesn't agree. Since then I have gone to night clubs although not as much probably once every 3 months now because I am tired of adjusting my life for him and it not being reciprocated. It's not the problem that he doesn't agree. It's the fact he wants to know everything I'm doing when he's not there which includes activity on the computer I use (he has threatened to put spy software on it – don't know if he is joking or not). However, when I ask him about what he is doing on the computer “it isn't my business”. I know he isn't having an affair or anything like that, but it just gets me upset that my life has to be transparent or I get accused of messing around. I don't act secretive either so it's not like he even has reason to suspect. When he asks what I'm doing or have done I tell him.

[Synnen]

He has SERIOUS issues.

You are a person, not something he owns.

He's holding a double standard in EVERYTHING, and unless you put your foot down, he's going to continue to do so.

What you NOW have to evaluate is if it's worth staying in a relationship where the person who supposedly loves you is controlling you and doesn't trust you.

[Credendovidis]

Basically this is not about sex but about equality. What I see is double standards from his side.
The worst thing you can do is leave this smouldering, as it is slowly but surely destroying your relationship, and - untreated - will end in separation, although you two seem compatible in many fields and have something in common that is very special : a good sexlife.

The only way to solve this problem is by communication. If you two can't get it solved, get relation counseling involved. It's worth it!!
.

[Ash123]

I think this relationship has a little too much value on sex and not enough on love and respect.

I think you would benefit from moving on. He needs his porn. And so do you. But together, you all are not a great team. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you all make a great team (I have a mate evaluation guide in my signature).

Nothing is worse than a bad relationship. And this... is... one.

Hang in there.

A

[Bubbler]

I think you both need to have some sit down time together and talk honest and open... It looks like there are a lot of double standard taking place.

Be honest do you really want to be with this guy in regards to the way he is treating you ! It looks like he see's your more as an object then as a person.

I also agree with the above post, sex does play an active part in a lot of relationships, but reading your post it would apear to make up a very large part.

[astrogurl]

I think this relationship has a little too much value on sex and not enough on love and respect.

I think you would benefit from moving on. He needs his porn. And so do you. But together, you all are not a great team. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you all make a great team (i have a mate evaluation guide in my signature).

Nothing is worse than a bad relationship. And this...is....one.

Hang in there.

A

Yeah... I agree... to be honest... our relationship started with sex... He has even said to me that if the sex wasn't that great I wouldn't have given him the time of day (to have a relationship) and he's right. I wasn't interested in him at all until we slept together. I know this sounds bad and I'm not normally one to sleep around, but the circumstances were strange. Then I got to know him and fell in love.

[astrogurl]

I have spoken to him about this before. Trust me... I know it's not all about the porn. To me it represents respect for my thoughts and feelings. He doesn't just disrespect with regard to porn either, but if I say I think or feel something he says I'm wrong. Like I don't know my own mind and heart.

I almost broke up with him last night and we had a big talk and he said one of his problems is "coldness" that he can see I'm hurt and crying and wants me to be happy, but he isn't connecting with why I am hurt (lack of empathy). An interesting thing he said is that he feels ashamed by how he has treated me.

He said things like he doesn't feel like I'm his #1 because he is nothing like the guys I would "normally" go for. Yet I'm supposed to feel secure and okay and feel like his #1 even though he does this?

He wants me to work through the problems with him and help him, but does that mean I have to put up with treatment until he gets it together!

The thing that hurts too is that he has admitted to me that he has lied about his intentions to change in the past (because I was going to break up with him). I feel so deceived. So now based on all that has happened I now have no trust in him...

[Credendovidis]

.... I feel so deceived. So now based on all that has happened I now have no trust in him....

Well, in that case you know what you have to do...

.

[Synnen]

If he's serious about "getting it together" and making some changes, then he'll go to couples counseling with you.

If he's NOT serious, then he'll make up any excuse to NOT go to couples counseling with you.

[achampio21]

I kind of have the same kind of man. (the porn stuff) but with one MAJOR difference. When I moved in he got rid of nearly ALL of his porn stuff( and it filled on whole bedroom normal size closet! ) He kept the ones that he really liked. And with us having children locks them in a safe. ( No I do not have the combination). He watches porn regularly and I even subscribe him yearly to Hustler. But the point I want to make you is this...

I don't mind him watching his porn, masturbating etc. But I come first. And we had this discussion in the first few weeks of our relationship and you know what... I ALWAYS COME FIRST. He only does it when I am not home, asleep or unable or unwilling to accommodate him. We have AN AWESOME sex life and an AWESOME relationship. We fight and I am a VERY jealous person. But we always talk it out and compromise.

This man you are with, if he loves you he won't lie to you about it. My man admits it when he does it and tells me to get over it. I know that that sounds harsh but it's better than making me a false promise and lying about it. If your man loves you, he will tell you that he enjoys doing what he is doing and that he won't stop. But would ask you how he could make you feel more comfortable with him doing it. And by the way, trying to catch hem doing it will only make you feel horrible and make you look pathetic. Believe me I know :)

So sit him down with the TV and everything off, lights on and face him head on. Tell him how you feel, don't accuse because some men really hate that and become instantly defensive. Instead use words like I love it when you make me feel like your only girl but...
If he is still unwilling to compromise or continues to promise to stop and lies about it... I would leave. Because it will only get worse and the lies will only get bigger.

That's my opinion. You decide what would best fit your situation and Good luck!!

[RustyFairmount]

"The double standard also annoys me the fact that it is okay for him to look at girls, but not okay for men to look at me."

That is not a double standard by any reasonable definition. A double standard would be if he looks at other women but does not allow you to look at other men. Exposing yourself to the world and him looking at porn aren't even close to being in the same league. You have two entire separate issues to deal with. Both of which require a mature and thoughtful discussion.

[Ash123]

I am not sure this is simply about porn.

Is there is an underlying doubt you seem to have about this relationship...

And incidents like this bring that to the surface?

[astrogurl]

"The double standard also annoys me the fact that it is okay for him to look at girls, but not okay for men to look at me."

That is not a double standard by any reasonable definition. A double standard would be if he looks at other women but does not allow you to look at other men. Exposing yourself to the world and him looking at porn aren't even close to being in the same league. You have two entire separate issues to deal with. Both of which require a mature and thoughtful discussion.

The point is he DOESN'T like me looking at other men. I know I have said a lot of things in this forum so I don't know if you saw. He says he is okay with it - me looking at guys. When I do though he gets upset and suggests I will cheat on him one day. Then he goes through the speech that he is not what I want and that he is not attractive and doesn't have a nice body. Even though without prompting I comment on how gorgeous he is and how I love his body and find him very sexy - even mention specific things about him I love.

[astrogurl]

I am not sure this is simply about porn.

Is there is an underlying doubt you seem to have about this relationship.....

And incidents like this bring that to the surface?

Firstly Ash123, thank-you for the mate evaluation guide. It made me rethink what is most important in a relationship.

I completely agree with you that it isn't just about the porn. This is really just the icing on the cake. In general he disregards my thoughts and feelings. We talked about it the other night and he says he has a problem with "coldness" that he sees me crying and upset and he doesn't like to see me sad, but cannot connect to what I am upset about (lack of empathy), and also he acts on "feelings" or "instincts" rather than "thought" before doing things. He said he is going to work on it. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore... cause I'm just tired. I do want to give him a chance. I have definitely not been the perfect girlfriend by any means and at the beginning of our relationship used to have a problem with my anger, but have made big improvements in it. However, his problems have been there from the beginning but because my anger caused the most problems they got ignored and he dismissed them. So I feel like I owe it to him to stick around and support him through this. I guess the next decision I need to make is how long to stick around or when to decide enough is enough...