[granz0210]

Okay, My wife and I have been married for 7 years and we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. We are both 28 and obviously got married when we were 21. The first year was horrible because we moved across the country for my job and lived in a very rural area. She was abussive both verbally and physically but I understood she hated where we lived. Most days she would say she wished she didn't get married and should leave but she didn't and we moved to a town near the city and I drove an hour and a half each way to work and she went to counseling. Things got better and because of a job loss we moved back to where we were from and again she was upset cause she left a job she liked but we were pregnant with our daughter so we made it work.
Since we have moved back (4 years ago) things have progressively gotten worse. I went back to school for my nursing degree and she found a new career which she loves. I was in school and working full time midnights usually which didn't allow us to see each other a lot. I admit I found comfort talking with someone I went to school with and felt closer to her most time than my wife but that's where it stopped and after school we didn't talk anymore.
To the present... My wife and I both have good jobs and we see each other a lot more but for the past 2 or so years I feel we have drifted apart a lot. I was always one that would let her yell or tell me I was wrong and I would just say OK to keep the peace, which didn't work. When I tell her I think we fight a lot she is astonished and thinks things are OK. We are rarely intimate which has always been a problem and when I bring up things about it she tells me it is my job as the man to initiate things.
Last year we went to counseling and separated for a month and a half but I decided to go back mostly because she made me feel guilty about my daughter and me leaving her. I have tried to put on a happy face and be a good father and husband but I just don't love her like I should anymore. I care about her but I don't really want to be around her. This past weekend she took my daughter camping and I realized I am not stressed and I am happier when she is not around. Does that make me a bad person? I just want to be happy and I think I deserve it, don't I? So is divorce the answer? There are other issues I brought up with her but I will spare them for now. Please help!

[Vothep8]

If you are happier when she is not around and you don't want to continue in the marriage, then I think you should end it once and for all. Shared custody can work and the child will be fine as long as you don't fight or argue around her. Don't bring up things like child support in front of her and never ever put her in the middle of it. My mother and father always had me delivering letters and messages to one another because they didn't want to see each other and they would tell me all the bad things about the other person. That is how a split up marriage can damage a child, but if you do it right and don't force her to witness any of that, then she'll be okay. You shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your child when there are other ways to protect her and be happy at the same time.

[Chery]

1. You are not happy.
2. You love our child and believe me, she feels that her parents don't get along, no matter how much you try to hide from her - and she will not be happy later to know that she was the only reason you endured a life that you no longer wanted.
3. You and your wife have gone through therapy without success and in my opinion she is real good at emotional blackmail.
4. If she is not in a sensual mood on her own initiative and just endures intimacy when you initiate it, then I feel you are doing all the work in this relationship, i.e. working hard, putting on a happy face, compromizing and being miserable.
5. If she has no other way of communication except for raising her voice and issuing negative statements, I'm sure that you don't feel any warmth or security around her.

OK, now, if you read a post like this from someone else.. what would you advise?

Look at your options, envision possibilities for a better future with peace of mind and happiness and make some plans. You also know what her reaction to your choice might be better than we do, so only you know what you will be able to cope with to achieve peace of mind, self-respect and happiness again.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope you keep us posted as to your plans. We will be here to help you sort things out if you get stuck.

[JoeCanada76]

You already know the answer to this. As Chery pointed out if you read somebodys post that sounded like yours what your advice would be.

I personally feel that steps were taken to try to improve on the marriage, but at the same time your not stepping up and being a man. Do not be a wussy. Your letting her yell and scream at you and she continues to do that because you allow her too - That is your fault not hers. By just agreeing with her and trying to keep the peace, honestly in the long run your making it worse for yourself. Stand up, Speak up and start communicating. The whole problem that I can see from this, is that you do not communicate and you do not stand up to her and tell her how you feel. Maybe if you actually did, then she would back off, or maybe it would make it worse but then you will know whether it is really worth sticking around for or not.

So here is my advice. STand up to her, by speaking your mind and communicating to her exactly what you feel whether you think she is going to like it or not. Be a man. See if that changes the situation. If it does not, then it is time to make a decision on whether you can continue in that kind of marriage or not.

Lets just say if divorce does happen, that does not mean you can not still continue to be an awesome father.

[George_1950]

Granz writes: "...This past weekend she took my daughter camping and I realized I am not stressed and I am happier when she is not around. Does that make me a bad person? I just want to be happy and I think I deserve it, don't I? So is divorce the answer? There are other issues I brought up with her but I will spare them for now. Please help!"
Best thing I can suggest is family counseling with local mental health clinic, pastor (priest or rabbi), and a trial separation. Just move on out.

[JBeaucaire]

Your child is watching. Make sure you are teaching what you want to teach.

Do you want to teach her to follow her heart and feelings even if it means breaking solemn vows and tearing a family apart?

Do you want to teach her that at some point in life you stand by your promises and family come hell or high water even if you feel miserable during a great deal of it?

Tough call isn't it?

Since you asked, I'll summarize my point of view:

Dating is for pursuing selfish goals, pushing your own agenda and finding someone to take the final plunge with. It's the time when starting and ending relationships based on feelings is completely acceptable.

Marriage is about stopping all that. It's about providing a permament foundation of security to another adult human and pledging them your ALL. It's about giving until it hurts, and then giving the rest. Sometimes only one person is managing to do it, but that may be enough to get the whole family back on track and into a good place, even if it takes months or years to accomplish.

The whole family wins.

"Forsaking all others" was your solemn vow. That included yourself. Your own tendency/ability to find solace in another person other than your wife... YOU are one of the people you promised to forsake.

That's my take. Right now, you're at a fork in the road and it will determine the kind of person you are. Deciding to end the family unit will have serious effects on every person in your household for decades to come.

Only you can say if you're OK with that.

[granz0210]

Okay, My wife and I have been married for 7 years and we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. We are both 28 and obviously got married when we were 21. The first year was horrible because we moved across the country for my job and lived in a very rural area. She was abussive both verbally and physically but I understood she hated where we lived. Most days she would say she wished she didn't get married and should leave but she didn't and we moved to a town near the city and I drove an hour and a half each way to work and she went to counseling. Things got better and because of a job loss we moved back to where we were from and again she was upset cause she left a job she liked but we were pregnant with our daughter so we made it work.
Since we have moved back (4 years ago) things have progressively gotten worse. I went back to school for my nursing degree and she found a new career which she loves. I was in school and working full time midnights usually which didn't allow us to see each other alot. I admit I found comfort talking with someone I went to school with and felt closer to her most time than my wife but thats where it stopped and after school we didn't talk anymore.
To the present... My wife and I both have good jobs and we see each other alot more but for the past 2 or so years I feel we have drifted apart alot. I was always one that would let her yell or tell me I was wrong and I would just say ok to keep the peace, which didn't work. When I tell her I think we fight alot she is astonished and thinks things are ok. We are rarely intimate which has always been a problem and when I bring up things about it she tells me it is my job as the man to initiate things.
Last year we went to counseling and separated for a month and a half but I decided to go back mostly because she made me feel guilty about my daughter and me leaving her. I have tried to put on a happy face and be a good father and husband but I just don't love her like I should anymore. I care about her but I don't really want to be around her. This past weekend she took my daughter camping and I realized I am not stressed and I am happier when she is not around. Does that make me a bad person? I just want to be happy and I think I deserve it, don't I? So is divorce the answer? There are other issues I brought up with her but I will spare them for now. Please help!

Ok, I understand what your saying about looking at the question like someone else wrot it and that is a good point. But I almost feel like I left once and came back to try and make things better what will that look like if I leave again? I have stood up to her since the counseling and some of the other problems have been that I could not really go out with friends and do things I liked to do. Anytime I would mention it she would get mad and say that I am choosing to see them or do something else whenn I could be with my family, so I stopped asking and didn't see my friends for a long time. On the flip side I always encourage her to go out with her girlfriends but I guess that may be the whole thing with me not wanting her around. I told her that I need to do things on my own and now I do go play golf once in a while or hang out with my friends but not all the time. But even her changing that has not seemed to make me any happier with her. How do I tell her again after coming back and trying to be happy that I am just not? I am not a person that likes to hurt people but I also don't like to hurt and it seems that the only time I am not stressed or miserable is when I am at work, or home alone or with my daughter. How do I say I am not happy and I don't want to do it anymore?

[JoeCanada76]

Very simple. Communication.
When you two have some alone time. Tell her that you have been doing your best. That YOU do not feel happy right now, and your not sure how to fix it.

[talaniman]

So what your saying that nothing she can do can make you happy. Then you don't want to be with her, and need to tell her that. If counseling, separations, haven't made a difference then honestly expressing your feelings is the next step, and then leave.

[granz0210]

Hello, I posted something a week ago and got a lot of good feedback. Short version, My wife and I have been going through a rough few years and I left and came back for our daughter but I don't think I can stay with my wife anymore. Over the past few weeks she has repeatedly said she was better off without me and She is done with us. Then hours later she acts like nothing happened and we are OK then asks me why I am so upset. I am at the end of my rope and have already decided I can't stay with her even though it kills me to leave my daughter. I guess I am asking how to start this process? Do I talk to a lawyer first or leave then do that or what? Please help I need direction.

Previous Post::
Okay, My wife and I have been married for 7 years and we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. We are both 28 and obviously got married when we were 21. The first year was horrible because we moved across the country for my job and lived in a very rural area. She was abussive both verbally and physically but I understood she hated where we lived. Most days she would say she wished she didn't get married and should leave but she didn't and we moved to a town near the city and I drove an hour and a half each way to work and she went to counseling. Things got better and because of a job loss we moved back to where we were from and again she was upset cause she left a job she liked but we were pregnant with our daughter so we made it work.
Since we have moved back (4 years ago) things have progressively gotten worse. I went back to school for my nursing degree and she found a new career which she loves. I was in school and working full time midnights usually which didn't allow us to see each other a lot. I admit I found comfort talking with someone I went to school with and felt closer to her most time than my wife but that's where it stopped and after school we didn't talk anymore.
To the present... My wife and I both have good jobs and we see each other a lot more but for the past 2 or so years I feel we have drifted apart a lot. I was always one that would let her yell or tell me I was wrong and I would just say OK to keep the peace, which didn't work. When I tell her I think we fight a lot she is astonished and thinks things are OK. We are rarely intimate which has always been a problem and when I bring up things about it she tells me it is my job as the man to initiate things.
Last year we went to counseling and separated for a month and a half but I decided to go back mostly because she made me feel guilty about my daughter and me leaving her. I have tried to put on a happy face and be a good father and husband but I just don't love her like I should anymore. I care about her but I don't really want to be around her. This past weekend she took my daughter camping and I realized I am not stressed and I am happier when she is not around. Does that make me a bad person? I just want to be happy and I think I deserve it, don't I? So is divorce the answer? There are other issues I brought up with her but I will spare them for now. Please help!

[damaged]

If you're not happy, and you guys don't get along, then it would be better to call it quits... not only for you but for your daughter because if she sees you guys fighting and arguing all the time will affect her.. My parents separated when I was 16 yrs old, and I wish they would have done it earlier.. They obviously didn't get along.. so I think its better if you split up now before you damage your daughter..

[starlite1]

Hi Granz,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I really wish you peace. What I suggest is talk to a lawyer first, and get their suggestion on what the best course of action is and what steps to take and when. I have been through a divorce, and that is what I did.

I wish you good luck. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing.

[Bluerose]

I'm sorry to have to say this but yes divorce looks like the answer. It will only get harder the longer you wait.

[liz28]

Once the love is gone there is nothing else. It glad that you do care about your daughter to try to make it work but you need more from the marriage then that driving force alone. Unless your are willing to go to an marriage counseling, it will end in divorce and you need to weight your otions now. Remember you can still be there for your child if your are not married. Tried having a talk with your wife and tell her how you feel.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with everyone else, but I would say try marriage counseling first. If that doesn't work, it seems you have exhausted all of your options and divorce must have. It's like the saying "sometimes goodbye is the only way"

[granz0210]

Thank you everyone and We did try counseling last year and she changed some of the things I had problems with (mainly me not being able to go out with my friends once in a while or play golf a few times a year) but it does not seem to matter. I went back and tried to make myself feel something I don't feel and be happy but after a while that starts to wera on you. So what is the right thing to say this time? I already know she is going to be mad but I can I make it any more comforting or easy?

[starlite1]

Hi Granz,

Definatley speak to a lawyer first. That is what I did, and they laid everything out for me, and let me know my options. I think it is important for YOU to seek their advice. I know how hard this is and what are going through, but I really think you will be better off in the long run.

Good Luck, and keep up posted!

[damaged]

He can talk to a lawyer regarding finances or child support or things like that.. but that's not the point.. He doesn't want to be wit her any more... right?
'
Let her know how you feel.. You no longer love her and that you guys argue too much and don't get along so the best thing to do is split up.. It may suck but I think it's the best choice; you even tried couples therapy or counseling and it didn't work out..

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2847888,

You keep asking the same question over and over and getting the same answers. What is it your looking for?

[helenfrsld]

hi, granz,
going through the same at the moment you feel so tied when they is children involved, however it seems that your wife has a lot of issues and that when things dont go her way she can turn quite nasty. you loved her once and maybe still do a little by believe me it can go bit by bit and you are already going down that road, your daughter needs two happy parents and maybe its for the best it don't make you feel any better though you take care and good luck for your future.